Partners kids are jealous of our kids

[Mummy98736362]

So my partner had 2 kids with ex wife. She stopped them from seeing him for 6 years ( since I had our first child) he’s finally able to see them again but the ex wife keeps telling my partner not to bring our kids because his other 2 kids get jealous they are not spending time with their father. This is so annoying for me, I work full time it’s now impacting my work. I just don’t know how to feel about this? I feel it’s unfair and she’s not being very thoughtful about my kids who by the way want to go and see their other siblings. What’s your view on this? What do I do?

He needs to rebuild his relationship with his kids first.

im not remotely surprised the first kids are jealous of the second kids. They’ve not seen their dad for 6 years.

then slowly integrate them into the family.

then - down the road - once the kids are all feeling more secure - go to court and get a legal arrangement in place.

and you need to do a bit more give and a little less expect. The children came first.

I came on to say this. It always amazes me how easily people say 'Just find childcare' on these forums. As if that's a magic easy solution to problems. So either a third adult (family member or friend) has to be willing to take on a regular commitment. Or a stranger needs to be paid. For my children, that would involve tears and anxiety trying to get them used to a new person and new arrangements.

Surely the father needs to insist his ex agrees to a day that is suitable for ALL the children caught up in this. And if she doesn't, take her to court. Because this seems obstructive to me.

Can’t he text the 16 year old and make his own arrangements and the 16 year old could bring the 12 year old along? The mum doesn’t even need to be involved at all. These aren’t young kids.

Court order doesn’t mean much. If the mum wants to ignore it she can, the judge can tell her off, but he can’t really do much apart from jail her for contempt of court. And most judges won’t jail a mother (who probably has primary custody) for that offence.

@tellitonthemountains The OP didn't say that though. She said,

the ex wife keeps telling my partner not to bring our kids because his other 2 kids get jealous they are not spending time with their father

It's the ex-wife who says the other two kids get jealous.

Was that not a huge red flag for you?

Hi OP, you've had some really judgemental responses but of course you will get the backs up of any ex wives with crap ex partners. Yes, it's not great your DH didn't work harder to meet his kids but given how awkward/difficult his ex wife is he maybe didn't want a nasty, prolonged court battle. Some people don't deal well with conflict and compartmentalise (makes them weak but not bad people). And no one knows what he and his ex wife agreed at the time when she went no contact. A friend found out recently that the dad she thought had abandoned them had actually stayed away because her mum had threatened to accuse him of all sorts (meaning sexual abuse) if he went to court. She spent 25 years hating her dad, having a difficult relationship with her mum who was toxic and only reconnected in her 30s with her dad once her mum passed. That's an extreme case of course but not everyone can coparent in a healthy way and kids get caught up in the nastiness. how convenient that the mum had died before the father saw fit to tell her all this.

Honestly the “it’s the bitter ex wives” comments are tedious. Of course there are some bitter ex’s out there, but there is 0 reason why a man wouldn’t go to court to see his children, especially if he was being threatened with false allegations.

If a woman stopped him seeing his kids and he went to court multiple times and was unsuccessful you would acknowledge the difficult situation he was in.

But any man who doesn’t bother to go to court gives not two shits about their children.

You cannot just go pick up kids you havent seen in 6 years and force them to be together with your second family. You need to get the kids used to you, trusting you, trusting that you have their best interests in mind.
So OPs husband could state a day he can do while OP is around or sort out childcare. The choice is his.

The ex is being more than reasonable in this instance. It's all about the kids, not the adults. And frankly if he put some work in, this would not take very long. I bet if he tried, inside a year he could have both sets of kids together, much less time than the 6 years anyway.

Can you honestly say most people do go to court to see their kids?? There's an awful lot of kids who never see one parent, I bet there's more that don't than do. In fact most people don't go to court to fight for anything unless being prosecuted, in the UK.

Nah. I know a few men personally who went to court to get access to their children and they were all successful and have built strong relationships with them through consistency.

They certainly didn’t just roll over, admit defeat, accept no contact for 6 years and make some new babies instead.

What a shit dad. And what a shit person you are for accepting this behaviour from your DP.

Here here!

Geez, this isn't a movie. Real life doesn't work that simply that especially when it comes to court. Only someone still bitter about men would query the relationship of my friend and her mother and father, knowing nothing about any of them. My friend was low contact with her mother and in therapy long before she died because the same manipulation she did to her exH, she did to her child. Some women are so caught up in anger, unfairness, jealousy it takes over their personality and they will never be good parents.

Poor children. Think of it from their point of view. Their parents separate, their father doesn’t see them for 6 years (surely if he’d really wanted to, he could have got a court order?), then when they finally do get the chance to see him again he brings his "new" children too, who see him all the time and no doubt need attention from him during the visits, diluting the older children's time with him. They must feel he’s just "replaced" them. Of course they’re jealous. How could they not be?

If for any awful reason you and he split up, would you and your children be happy for him to bring a new family of children along to his meetings with them?

I'm sorry his visits cause problems for you, but that is his issue, not the fault of his first children.

I doubt there's much chance that the poster who wrote that would actually choose not to see her children for six years rather than throw everything she had at the fight for them.

Men seem all too willing to walk away. Yes I judge them for that.

Of course you do! I'd worry why you know so many men who need to go to court in the first place to get access to their children.

So OPs husband could state a day he can do while OP is around or sort out childcare. The choice is his.

I thought the issue was that the ex DOES NOT allow the father to see the dcs on his own in a day that works for him.
Which is what is creating the issue in the first place!!

So no I dint think the ex is reasonable @Bodeganights
She insists on days that make things difficult for the father.
She stopped the dcs from seeing their dad for 6 years.
None if that is ok

It doesn’t negate the fact the DP should have gone to court to see his children instead of rolling over p.
They're both unreasonable.

That’s quite the assumption. There’s a man who refused to fight for his children for 6 years, yet still the woman takes the blame. I despair.

Quite.

This.
How did she stop him seeing his kids? OP if you and him split up and he said “the kids are staying with me and you’re not seeing them”, would you just accept it? I think I know the answer. Basically he’s been a shit Dad and if wants to have any chance of a relationship with his kids he needs to step up now, and if that means leaving his new family elsewhere during contact time then so be it. He should have thought of this when he cast aside the first brood and went on to have a second.
The “stopped from seeing kids” line is bullshit. While there’s breath in my body I would fight to see my kids, and anyone who doesn’t is a crap parent in my opinion.

Only someone still bitter about men

I bang my head against the wall at the stupidity of comments like this. Very very very few exwifes are bitter 'about men'. They are mostly doing the happy dance regarding the man. What they do get upset about ON THEIR KIDS BEHALF is when their ex is a truly crap dad, like every single one is if they don't see their kids for 6 years, because they have to pick up the pieces for their upset dc.

Well I mean she did stop him seeing them in the first place? A good mum doesn’t do that and doesn’t deprive her kids of a relationship with their dad for six years. Of course it’s fundamentally her fault.
He should have gone to court but it’s a scary thing for many people and some think they are doing what is best for the kids by not creating more conflict. The process can really break someone as well - I have seen some awful things when working in this area. I personally would go to court but I have a full understanding of the process and how it operates.
Also if you have someone who won’t comply with court orders, while you can keep going back and forth, fundamentally you are fucked as there is little that will happen other than in very unusual cases.

Why don't you feed back via your DH that you are going to make arrangements to change your working day from eg Wednesday to Thursday from February......then watch February change to Thursday = your childcare issue solved?

(Don't actually tell your DH you're not making any changes, if the ex changes to match your supposed new day it solves your issue and proves the point she's deliberately being awkward. Meanwhile sort some childcare - can you get a nanny in, or a teenage babysitter after school while you work on your working day?)

The woman is the one who prevented contact as soon as he moved on and she saw he was happy. So yes she is mainly to blame. Of course the dad should have done something about it though.

Women tend to leave and take the kids and deny their father access for a reason. Do you know what that is?

He decided not to try to get access for a reason. Do you know what that is?

Surely at their age they're at school so can only really meet at weekends rather than be kept off school to see him.

Do you work every weekend? Can you alter this?