Partners kids are jealous of our kids

[Mummy98736362]

So my partner had 2 kids with ex wife. She stopped them from seeing him for 6 years ( since I had our first child) he’s finally able to see them again but the ex wife keeps telling my partner not to bring our kids because his other 2 kids get jealous they are not spending time with their father. This is so annoying for me, I work full time it’s now impacting my work. I just don’t know how to feel about this? I feel it’s unfair and she’s not being very thoughtful about my kids who by the way want to go and see their other siblings. What’s your view on this? What do I do?

Your DH is at fault here.

If he had gone to court 6 years ago, he could have maintained contact and the likelihood is that would have been on a schedule that worked for him.

Now, he could go to court and try to get an agreement, but with his eldest being 16, they could just reject him anyway.

If he is in the situation now where the kids want to see him on a Saturday, for example, and to do this you are going to need childcare for your kids on a Saturday so you can work, your DH can arrange this.

He has a duty to HIS (eldest) DC, which he has very much failed at, to care for them and build a relationship with them, but also a duty to his (younger) DC to ensure they are cared for when you are working and he is otherwise occupied.

Let him arrange childcare and child visitation and step back. You are working, this is not your problem to resolve. It's an issue of your DH's own making, he should not have ignored his kids for SIX years; what kind of shitty father does that??

And why did you think "this seems an excellent man to procreate with, he sees his children as much as a father that's dead 🙄"

But surely at 12 and 16 they'll be in school during the week so he won't be able to see them? The 16yo is likely in their GCSE year and will have lots of homework and studying after school. The weekend is probably best for the children so that they have more time.

Poor kids. They must feel completely usurped.

She's right that he needs to see them without your DC. You're right that you have to work. This is for the two of them to sort - either they find a different day or he sorts some childcare and prioritises his older DC for once. You would be hugely unreasonable to object to him doing that.

Keep your job. You may well need the income.

Lol. Bitter is used to silence those.who post in opposition on threads like these. Fact is, whilst mum has behaved dreadfully in keeping the children from their father for 6 years, he hasn'covered himself in glory by just accepting it. He's hardly dad of the year. And whilst OP needs to be able to work, there are children who right now need some careful handling if their relationship with their dad is going to thrive.

What really needs to happen here is the man grows a backbone and seeks regular contact through the courts.

And OP, why exactly are you with a man who has, to all extents and purposes, abandoned some of his children? Worked well for you, I guess.

He has 4 children and if he can’t see his eldest kids on days you aren’t working then he takes the youngest ones with him. it’s that simple.

But that isn't the children's fault. I can see their point of view.

Wow he just didn't see his kids for 6 years?! That's disgraceful. Those poor kids.

I agree. They’ve been kept apart from their dad for years. How would you feel OP if that happened to your kids, then their dad turned up 6 years later with a couple of younger children calling him Daddy and obviously having a closer relationship? Of course they are jealous and need to be prioritised.

Yes, for now he absolutely should be seeing them alone. He let them down so badly by being totally spineless in not fighting to see them, he has a lot of making up to do.

Find an extra nursery day, or help from family of something for now.

You’re right, and the two of you need to find a childcare solution for that day
as long as the Ex refuses to be more accommodating. But if you can hang on a while, the older kids will soon be able to see their dad when they choose. The 16 year old is already old enough .

Don’t be rediculous, it was not the ex wife stopping him seeing his children, he was him being too lazy and not giving a shit to go 6 years without seeing his children. If he was a decent person and dad he would have taken her to court for access. Easy to blame the woman.if she’s making it difficult now with demands on how he sees the children then surprise surprise, he needs to pull his finger out and get court ordered access so there none of these games.

No point complaining as there’s only one person to blame and that is your DP.

What’s the ex wife’s take on this I wonder.

While there obviously are women who do use their children as pawns and refuse to let the father see them, there are also an awful lot who have their own reasons.

Also, do you actually know that she prevented him seeing them or is that just what he told you?

The fact he never bothered to go to court is a pretty clear indication that things definitely aren’t black and white from his pov.

Also, if he’s suddenly started seeing them, how does it happen that he’s seeing a 16 year old at the family home? That doesn’t add up tbh as the 16 year old is old enough to be able to come and see him independently if he wishes.

Are you sure it’s just the kids he’s visiting?

I had my dad walk out on us when we were 3. Was remarried within a year with 2 step kids and proceeded to have 2 more. We were always let down due to the logistical crap you’re moaning about, oh I’m so busy oh I have work etc.its has to work for our other children. Tell me something, mother to mother, would those excuses pass for your kids? Would they be acceptable? A 6 year hiatus too, if he cared that much he’d have seen his children no matter what. Not good enough is it? Abandonment isn’t it? Those children have a right to feel jealous and he should be wanting to spend alone time with them. You knew he had 2 other children when you proceeded to have kids with him. You also knew he was the kind of man that could go without contact for 6 years with his own children. Perhaps if he’d have put the effort in (and don’t even tell me he did because even dug addicts and criminals have legal visitation to their children in the UK) you would have been able to blend your families and these logistical issues with your work wouldn’t be a thing. Seeing as he abandoned his children for 6 years, now they deserve a little bit of what your children have had no? I guess you all need to spread yourselves thin, stop moaning, stop being self centred and selfish and make it up to those children. Children don’t ask to be born. Suck it up buttercup.

At 16 and 12 years old do his DC not have any say on where/when they see him? How is their DM still controlling when/where they see their DF at their age? I would she thought the 16yo in particular would not be dictated to.

Besides that, he can’t have been that fussed on seeing them if he let access slide for 6 years. I guess if you split you’ll be on your own with your shared DC.

It's entirely up to him. If it's his day to have the little ones and he wishes to see his older kids alone then he sorts childcare. It's completely simply and I'd stay right out of it.

We don’t know that she’s controlling that, it’s just that the communication comes from her because the kids probably barely remember him, nevertheless know him. It’s most likely the case that the kids has various things on after school and weekends work better for them and the mum is relaying that. The fact that the OP works weekends might not even factor in to her suggestion, she might not even know, and the dad understandably doesn’t want to rock the boat by saying he can’t see his kids on weekends.

How can you be attracted to a man who didn't fight for his children? For six years?

Can you imagine any situation in which you wouldn't at the bare minimum try going through court rather than lose contact with your kids?

What a shit dad.

Stop making it about you, its about 2 children who have not had their father for 6 years, irrespective of you is to blame.

You can understand his confusion though. He's abdicated responsibility for his first kids and didn't mind them whilst their mother worked so you can understand how it's confusing for him that now he needs to step up.

You can also understand her not giving a fig about your kids and who's minding them. Her priority is her kids. The problem is he now has 4 kids, 2 that he lives with and presumedly supports financially and 2 that he hasn't seen for 6 years.

OP what do you think your husbands honest answer could be if his children look him in the eye and say "why didn't you fight to see us for six years?"

He has no answer other than he didn't think the court process was worth it.

Having children with a man you know is capable of not seeing his children for six years, not even attempting to gain access through court (less than £300 cost) is a risky business.

Because a good dad simply doesn't do that. Can you really any circumstance in which you'd roll over and not even go to court if you were being stopped from seeing your children?

How can you believe he is a good dad?

I think you need to let go of the ex wife issue. It’s your dh who is the problem. He needs to communicate properly with his kids/ex to make this work. Presuming he can only see them after school/weekends? Yes he needs ideally to build the relationship with his kids first but if you’re at work he will have to take them with him or find alternative childcare.

He didn’t bother to fight to see them for six years and now when he does see them he has his “new children” in tow?
Absolutely not, he should be seeing them by himself in an effort to rebuild the relationship. Yes, that may well be an inconvenient for you op, but it will be massively beneficial to the children. Ex wife is irrelevant, the children are what matters here.

If they are 12 and 16 they will be at school on the weekdays that you have off. Thinking back to my own teenagerhood I don't think I would have had the energy to see my dad on a school day. They would get a max 4 hours if they totally didn't have any after school sports clubs, scouts, musical instruments, seeing friends etc that night, they wouldn't be able to do any homework that night or pack their cooking stuff/pe kit etc for the next day, and if there's any distance between you and their house then there's travel time too. A weekend day is the most normal set up because of this. It's going to take time for things to heal between the older kids and their dad, and it's going to be emotionally hard for everyone. Better to let them reestablish with their dad before the younger ones start regularly joining. Good luck, it sounds really hard x

Is there any reason the childrens mother chose that day? Does she work that day too so it's convenient? Is she doing it out of badness to try and split you two up because she knows you need childcare that day and it'll cause friction?

Has your husband says to her "I have the kids on a Saturday as (you) work. So I need to bring ours with me. Can I pick (his kids with her) up after school on a (insert week day) and it'll be just me and the for dinner so I can spend time with them themselves (insert nice affordable place to eat) (ie it'll only be her kids)?"

If he has and she said no that's a shame. If he's not asked then I'd suggest your husband isn't making that much effort tbh.

I just can't understand men at all.

Is there anything you can do to swap days?

Ie he still sees them on Saturday with your kids but also spoke on week evening