Full-time stepparenting... I feel resentful

[Stepparentz]

So I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years. When we met my stepdaughter had a 50/50 split, but when my partner and I moved in together she was with her mum all weekends (if I remember correctly...), but it's since then moved to 3 weekends, 2 weekends and now we have her full-time. I realise I should've realised this could've happened when I went into this relationship but I guess I was naive. She is a very sweet girl that I love dearly but she also comes with troubles in every-day life, sadly I am growing resentful internally she's taking up all the time I used to have with my partner and also our child. I know it's not her fault at all, I am just speaking my feelings. Has anyone been in similar situations? I really worry I will never get over this.

OP, I get that you are trying to care for this child as best you can but still find it difficult. As PP have said, you are all a family of four and need to work as a team. It’s not quite what you expected to have but it could be great!
I second those who suggest that perhaps DSD could spend some time with other relatives - grandparents? Aunts and uncles? And also, at 9, perhaps it won’t be long before she’s wanting to go on school trips/guide camps etc. which would give you a break.

Is there really any need to say, "Jesus fucking Christ" ? I hope you never say things like that in front of the children.

I don't see why the two children cannot be brought up together.. You seem to divide them into yours and 'the other one', despite saying you like your stepdaughter., They are siblings and lots of people have two or more children, at times one requiring more attention than the other(s), and manage OK.

Not once in your speech did you mention how the child feels. The ops SD wants her mother she is 9 years old and her mother doesn't want to see her of course she will kick off. Ops DH doesn't want to address the issue and op is left to pick up all the pieces. It doesn't matter what the op does it will take years of growing up and maturity for her SD to slightly move on. The damage her mother has caused her will live with her for the rest of her life. That's what the op is up against an up hill battle.

Didn't choose? What do you think having a partner who already has a child means? What would happen if the child's mother passed away? She thought the child would go into care? Didn't choose my arse. Adults can think long term and evaluate possibilites. The child is the one who didn't choose, and still can't choose. OP still has a choice.

Not the same thing. Ops SD will never see her as her mother. What does every 9 year old girl need in her life her mother. Her SD will resent her sibling because he has both of his biological parents who want to be with him. Her mother doesn't want her.

No, in that analogy she signed the contract aware of but choosing to ignore the terms dealing with the “unlikely but possible consequences of signing” (i.e. the child she spent EOW with at the beginning coming to live with her full-time) in the hope that they would never come to pass. Now they have, she doesn’t like them, but that doesn’t mean she wasn’t allowed to read the terms and conditions.

The OP had a choice at the beginning and still has choices (either take some of the good advice on this thread and try to make it work, or leave her partner). The 9 year old child had no choice about the OP coming into her life and has no choice now but to live with a woman who resents her and sees her as an inconvenience (and at 9, she will almost certainly be aware of that). As I said, I know who I feel sorry for in this situation.

A death is easier to explain than abandonment her SD will never get over it. Her SD will probably need to see someone this is serious.

That's another discussion. I'm addressing the PP's claim that the OP didn't choose. If you chose a partner with a child, of course you choose the possibility that the child may live full-time with the father at some point.

It's the other way around her SD will resent their family dynamics because they are a family unit. Her siblings will have both biological parents that will hit her hard and that's the challenge the op will have to face.

this is your child’s sister and a young child.
How can you not have developed love or care for her in all those years to the point that you see her as a chore getting in the way of your child? It’s sad that you’re attachment to her is not there in a meaningful way perhaps.

if something happened to you, is this how you would want your child treated? I think if you’re in it for the long haul I’d look at all the mental load stuff and daily tasks to check it’s not unbalanced, might help you. Is it resentment because your labour has increased loads? If it’s long haul maybe counselling to discuss your resentment. See if you can find the root and discuss your opinions around bloodlines (for want of a better phrase!).

I feel really sorry for this child. She must know how you feel. Please don’t discard when the going gets tough instead. Her mum has done it and clearly you righty judge that. Family is what you make it, doesn’t need to be bloodlines.

i think most families do outings and one on one time with the different siblings so perhaps you could set up some sort of rota of that? And split bed times to get more 1:1 time with DD? Or school runs if they are at different schools?

Her father needs to step up that's who she needs. The op can not pick up the pieces and she did not choose to join a dysfunctional family. When she met him and his daughter it was functional she had a mother.

What are you really suggesting with this scenario? Where do you think the SD should go? What's the alternative? If the mother wants no part of it, of course she will go to her father. I'm interested in knowing just where you are going with this line of argument, and if you have a solution.

Her SD will need therapy on her own and with her father and the op. This isn't something her SD will get over the op should not be left on her own to deal with it she is not her mother.

It is hard having to step up like that, it is different being a full time parent to your step kid when their mum isn't around to being a step mum to a child with an involved mum. I think though that leaving will hurt her as well as your child and I'd try a few things before considering that. What about getting some counselling to help you deal with the stress and the situation and see if you can create some boundaries and space to help you cope. Your DH can facilitate one on one time with your DD while spending one on one time with his DD. The time together with just your DH will probably have to wait, but you can both work towards that as a goal, helping her feel more secure, finding a babysitter she trusts and so on. Time without her but with DH and your DD together isn't something you can do, it would be harmful to DSD to be excluded like that. I expect there are things your DH could do to support you, if there's something you need ask him, tell him your struggling. He may not have much capacity right but you still talk about it, there may be things you can both do to make this situation easier. I hope he is taking the lead with DSD, after all he is the parent.

Life isn't fair.

You have two options:

1 - get over it and get on with it.
2 - leave, with your child and be a single Mum and your child gets zero time with both parents together and shares their time with their Dad with their half sibling.

Work out which option you prefer and then find a way to make it work. That really is all there is to it, there are no other options.

On the bright side, when the SD is 14/ 15 you will have free baby sitting if you play your cards right and treat her with love and compassion.

At the age of 9 she should also be supporting you in the home with chores. If anything she should be beginning to make life easier.

If she was your own child you would have no qualms asking her to help put laundry away, wash up and hoover etc.

I think that you need to reframe this and see her as a useful asset and ally to help with your own DC. She will love the responsibility and chance to be your ally.

op, I can understand how you feel but you have to be realistic here. You say that you want more one-to-one time with your partner and child, but it’s unlikely you can get this for a while. So let’s explore options:

1. you leave. This means no more one-to-one time with your partner and child and it will also make your own child unhappy.
2. You try to exclude step daughter from family activities - this will damage SD and probably upset DH.

So, as you can see, none of the above options are viable. You can’t get what you want, so you need to find a way to view things differently. SD won’t always be 9, in a few years time she’ll want to do things with her friends and you and DH will have plenty of time together. When you and your DH are gone, you own child will have someone else to be their family, someone they can talk to about their childhood etc. It is thanks to your SD that this will happen. If you are a loving mother to your SD for the next 10 years or so, you could be rewarded with 40 or so years of having a SD wanting to spend time with you, giving you grandkids, spending Xmas with you, etc. You may love the company when you’re very old, if your own child isn’t around.

You’re probably emotionally exhausted to feel the way you do. Try to reframe your thinking if you can, and hopefully your feelings will follow. Are there any small changes that can be done to make things easier, e.g DH spending more one to one time with his daughter so you can have more time with your child? Or whatever you can think of which would make it feel a bit easier

But this is not what the OP is asking or what the thread is about. The thread is about the OP resenting the SD being there full-time,

I agree some of the comments are disrespectful and unnecessary but I don’t think anyone is expected to be a support function only.
the truth is she did choose the situation by getting involved with a man who already had a kid, it just hasn’t turned out exactly how she wanted it fo.
it’s a sad state to see people taking on step kids but only on limited terms. Imagine the post was ‘my child’s bio dad isn’t around any more so my kid has moved in with us full time, I can tell my husband is resentful of my child and is talking about leaving us now. We have another child together also. I’m so desperately sad for my kids, my husband has known my first child since they were tiny and my child loves him and now the whole family is breaking apart, I can’t help but feel let down and angry towards my husband, he knew when we got together that my child came with me as a package and now it seemingly doesn’t suit him. I also worry that if my husband gets with someone else, what if they resent time with our child being in the picture’

these are adults creating relationships and kids together, they have a responsibility to see the bigger picture and not go round further messing kids lives up

I have no children of my own. While growing up my DSDs lived with us full time for about 8 years (their mother was in a different city 15 hours away and at some point a different country). When my younger DSD’s behavioral problems were getting out of hand, she would be sent to live with us. Yes it changed the dynamic of our relationship massively and at the time the younger DSD had problems with behavior, then later drug addiction and psychosis so it was not easy.

But you need to look at this differently. It’s not you and your DC vs DSD. You are a family unit and you need to make peace with that and understand that she deserves equal time. If you leave your DP another woman will be treating your DC the same way when they are with their dad. How would you feel about that?

My DSD2 is now in her 30’s and I love her so much. I can’t imagine my life without her.

But OP you haven’t come across as trying to figure this out. And while the reality doesn’t sit ok with you right now, this is innocent kids lives being impacted. I have sympathy that it must feel very difficult right now, I can only imagine. You’re essentially proposing that to avoid this situation you’re willing to see your own child part time and your partner never, it will also mean that your child will grow up and figure out at some point that you left their sister plus their sibling gets to be with dad dull time while they only see him part time and then they have to share one parents time between two kids (which lots of us manage as single parents).
I guess most of the responses are just begging you to try harder to make this work for everyone’s sake. Put boundaries in, make new plans to accommodate the change and please consider that it’s also not a wildly unlikely case that your ‘own’ child could find itself in the same situation in the future if you meet someone new and anything happens to your current husband and how you would feel for your child and also what you’d think of a partner that abandons ship at that point

If you enter a relationship with someone who already has children there is always going to be a possibility that the children end up living with you 100% of the time - people die, get ill, move away, are irresponsible etc. Children who have a parent who, for whatever reason, cannot fulfil their responsibilities deserve compassion and kindness. However, as a stepparent, you also have rights and you aren't a slave to the situation. Arrangements needs to worked out consciously and clearly and stepparents deserve proper time to themselves.

I do understand that, TheRareUmberJoker, have some experience of abandonment. However there are families who make it work, are inclusive, and the stepchild does not feel like an 'add on', though will obviously always have some issues regarding the absent parent. It does take commitment though and not everyone is prepared to do the work. I think it is worth a try and with good will, it might resolve satisfactorily; the little girl does still have her dad, he's not going anywhere hopefully.

However not everyone is able or willing to make such a commitment to a non-biological child and I can understand that too, it's just how people are made.

The op needs to talk seriously with her husband and see what they, united, can do to make things workable for the family.

Leaving the family home seems a bit drastic, hard for the op's child and guilt-inducing for the stepchild who is, after all, only nine and not responsible for any of this.

You had a child with a man who already had a child. You knowingly created a half sister for this child. You have a responsibility to this 9 year old. I feel terribly sorry for her, first her mum and now you

How can you possibly know any of this for sure?

OP, my personal experience (which may be totally different to yours to be fair) but may be of interest.

I met my step daughter at about the same age that yours is now and after about 5 years she moved in with us. It was hard, especially when we had our two, but even though there were times that I felt uncomfortable in my own home or a bit resentful when she started stealing my clothes and copying my every move 🤣 we have grown incredibly close. She calls me mum, the siblings are all unbelievably close to eachother, her kids call me Nanny and I love and treat them like genetic relatives.

It’s hard but in my experience is worth persevering with. You’ll get a lot of people saying leave, it’s never going to work, that’s not true necessarily and you can choose to make of it what you want.