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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Full-time stepparenting... I feel resentful

267 replies

Stepparentz · 04/01/2025 21:56

So I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years. When we met my stepdaughter had a 50/50 split, but when my partner and I moved in together she was with her mum all weekends (if I remember correctly...), but it's since then moved to 3 weekends, 2 weekends and now we have her full-time. I realise I should've realised this could've happened when I went into this relationship but I guess I was naive. She is a very sweet girl that I love dearly but she also comes with troubles in every-day life, sadly I am growing resentful internally she's taking up all the time I used to have with my partner and also our child. I know it's not her fault at all, I am just speaking my feelings. Has anyone been in similar situations? I really worry I will never get over this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stepparentz · 04/01/2025 22:45

Desperate for replies!

OP posts:
Crazycatlady79 · 04/01/2025 22:49

How old is your step-daughter?

Original poster
Stepparentz · 04/01/2025 22:51

Crazycatlady79 · 04/01/2025 22:49

How old is your step-daughter?

She is 7 years old

OP posts:
JulianFawcettMP · 04/01/2025 22:53

Poor child. You need to fix bd a way to deal with it or get out. It's not all about you in this case

Crazycatlady79 · 04/01/2025 22:57

Stepparentz · 04/01/2025 22:51

She is 7 years old

Show quote history

But, you've been with your boyfriend for 8 years? I'm confused.

wishuponamoon21 · 04/01/2025 23:01

I do get it. I'd never be a step parent. Ever. However, she is so young... and none of this is her fault. If you feel that resentful of a small child I would suggest leaving her father.

Original poster
Stepparentz · 04/01/2025 23:05

Crazycatlady79 · 04/01/2025 22:57

But, you've been with your boyfriend for 8 years? I'm confused.

Show quote history

Oops sorry, completely understand the confusion. That was a typo, she is 9 years old and in year 4

OP posts:
Original poster
Stepparentz · 04/01/2025 23:07

wishuponamoon21 · 04/01/2025 23:01

I do get it. I'd never be a step parent. Ever. However, she is so young... and none of this is her fault. If you feel that resentful of a small child I would suggest leaving her father.

Thank you for the response, it's not fair on her hence I'm considering leaving although that also makes my heart ache for our child.

OP posts:
Kibble29 · 04/01/2025 23:08

What troubles does she come with?

Fantina · 04/01/2025 23:10

Is there a way of reintroducing more contact with her mother? That would alleviate some of the pressure on you all. Does your DP do the domestic labour for his daughter or does he expect you to?

wishuponamoon21 · 04/01/2025 23:12

Stepparentz · 04/01/2025 23:07

Thank you for the response, it's not fair on her hence I'm considering leaving although that also makes my heart ache for our child.

Show quote history

Have you spoken to your partner about it?

I see both sides so I'm not having a go. I know I would feel the same especially if I also had my own child in the mix hence chose someone without a child. But I suppose she has no choice in this situation whereas you do. Why does she see so little of her own mother? Poor girl

Thursdaygirl · 04/01/2025 23:14

We had DSS EOW, and that was hard enough, so I’m not surprised you are struggling OP

JimHalpertsWife · 04/01/2025 23:15

So a 9year old girl now doesn't go to her mums at all? Poor thing how come?

Sazzerss · 04/01/2025 23:22

OP it is ok to realise that it is too much.
Is he leaving it all to you as so many do?
If he is then this is on him.

There is a reason so many women refuse to date men with children.

Too often they are lazy selfish avoidant fathers.

You obligation is to your child primarily.

Original poster
Stepparentz · 04/01/2025 23:23

Fantina · 04/01/2025 23:10

Is there a way of reintroducing more contact with her mother? That would alleviate some of the pressure on you all. Does your DP do the domestic labour for his daughter or does he expect you to?

That would require her mum to in any way shape or form express interest in actually being a mum but that is sadly not happening. Very heartbreaking for my stepdaughter and also a very draining topic for my partner and I. It has also created extra pressure on me now kind of unspokenly having to step in as her new mother which is a massive thing I was not prepared to fulfill (no pressure at all from my partner)

OP posts:
itsparklesitshines · 04/01/2025 23:25

This sounds like a desperately sad situation for this little girl. Her mother has seemingly mostly removed herself from this girl's life and now you are rejecting her too. Her two main female role models. It'll have a life long impact for her.
I know you didn't sign yourself up for this at the start, but is it possible to try and make it work ? What things could be done to make it better for all involved?

happysoul23 · 04/01/2025 23:27

I think that if you marry and have a family with someone who already has children you have to accept that possibility.
That poor child has a mother who is not interested, she deserves a home where she is loved, cherished and accepted wholeheartedly.
I think you need to dig deep and accept this child as your and your husbands complete responsibility.
I wish you luck x

JimHalpertsWife · 04/01/2025 23:29

You need to refeame this. This is your child's sister.

Anxioustealady · 04/01/2025 23:30

Thursdaygirl · 04/01/2025 23:14

We had DSS EOW, and that was hard enough, so I’m not surprised you are struggling OP

Poor, poor child

Pandasnacks · 04/01/2025 23:32

Stepparentz · 04/01/2025 23:23

That would require her mum to in any way shape or form express interest in actually being a mum but that is sadly not happening. Very heartbreaking for my stepdaughter and also a very draining topic for my partner and I. It has also created extra pressure on me now kind of unspokenly having to step in as her new mother which is a massive thing I was not prepared to fulfill (no pressure at all from my partner)

Show quote history

Considering you’ve been a step parent since she was a baby I’m surprised this is quite so difficult. If he isn’t pressuring you to be her mum and you don’t want to then why are you doing it?

Flipslop · 04/01/2025 23:34

Oh man, please try and work this out, this is a you issue (have you tried therapy) this poor girl is being rejected all over again 😔

PrawnAgain · 04/01/2025 23:35

It's a very sad for the little girl but step mums don't exist to magically fill gaps that bad parents leave. It's ok for the op not to just "step up." She is allowed to have boundaries and limits to what she's prepared to do.

PrawnAgain · 04/01/2025 23:36

Pandasnacks · 04/01/2025 23:32

Considering you’ve been a step parent since she was a baby I’m surprised this is quite so difficult. If he isn’t pressuring you to be her mum and you don’t want to then why are you doing it?

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Are you a step mum @Pandasnacks@Pandasnacks?

JimHalpertsWife · 04/01/2025 23:37

PrawnAgain · 04/01/2025 23:35

It's a very sad for the little girl but step mums don't exist to magically fill gaps that bad parents leave. It's ok for the op not to just "step up." She is allowed to have boundaries and limits to what she's prepared to do.

It doesn't appear she is being asked to "step up" - she said she resents that her time with her dp is being reduced.

Reugny · 04/01/2025 23:39

JimHalpertsWife · 04/01/2025 23:37

It doesn't appear she is being asked to "step up" - she said she resents that her time with her dp is being reduced.

Show quote history

If the OP leaves her time with her own child will be reduced.