Full-time stepparenting... I feel resentful

[Stepparentz]

So I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years. When we met my stepdaughter had a 50/50 split, but when my partner and I moved in together she was with her mum all weekends (if I remember correctly...), but it's since then moved to 3 weekends, 2 weekends and now we have her full-time. I realise I should've realised this could've happened when I went into this relationship but I guess I was naive. She is a very sweet girl that I love dearly but she also comes with troubles in every-day life, sadly I am growing resentful internally she's taking up all the time I used to have with my partner and also our child. I know it's not her fault at all, I am just speaking my feelings. Has anyone been in similar situations? I really worry I will never get over this.

My DSC take up a LOT more time emotionally than our DC do. They always did.

OP it is interesting and important that you were a stepchild yourself and that things were challenging for you - and I am so sorry that this was the case. Having to grow up through something like this is difficult, we're only too happy too 'move on', but sometime life catches up with us and has a way of forcing us to confront again some things we'd rather leave behind us. Right now your own past is to some extend being mirrored in your stepchild's situation and this could be bringing up some very unwelcome feelings for you. If this is the case, it looks like you are trying to deal with them intelligently and honestly, but this does not come without some pain and discomfort, unfortunately. However, your self-awareness is a great asset in being a 'conscious parent' to your own DC and a positive figure in your stepchild's life. Would you consider being supported by an experienced psychotherapist in finding your way forward? You don't have to go through this alone this time.

And your point is?

Do you think you'll be happier if you leave, and if you do will you want to see your child's sister?. And if you do leave you'll see less of your own child as presumably she'll be with your partner for part of the week.

Do you have anything constructive to add or advice on how to overcome it apart from get on with it. That's how relationships ends when people are expected to get on with it without proper support. Sometimes the best thing for the children is to just separate so everyone can be a lot happier. Sticking around only for the children is selfish and not healthy for anyone.

That's a bit rich coming from someone whose posts are full of assumptions and of no substance. Go away.

What relevance or experience do you bring apart from immaturity. All you do is shut people down. It's a discussion with the op to help her navigate it's not about you and your personal agenda.

Seriously you're becoming tedious. You appear to have an incessant hatred towards the SD's mum, judging by the way you nastily criticise her. You assume she doesn't pay CM amongst other things. How would you know she doesn't? You've no idea of the situation the mum has been in. The mum may have had a breakdown and that could be why she's given her dd up. Or she may simply be a crap mum.

But you don't know. So wind your neck in and stop the hateful remarks. I'm actually wondering if you are projecting your own issues onto the mum.
Anyway, don't bother responding to me, I'm sick of your nonsensical comments.

Have I hit a nerve does the SD mum resemble you in anyway? If it does why not share your experience and help people to underatand through your experience.
The op and her SD dad don't know why she has disappeared from her daughter's life. The ops husband doesn't want to talk about it because he can't force her to be a mother.

Yes must be very hard on your stepson only seeing his parent every other weekend.

It's a pity his father doesn't try to see him more often.

I think you just have to make the most of the situation and carve out time for you and OH and for the baby. Surely you get plenty 1:1 time either the baby when your DSD is in school? Is there anyone who could babysit for you once or twice a month so you and you OH could go out? My DSD6 is in bed by 8 so DH and I always have the beings to ourself as well.

We have my DSD 50% and one of the many reasons we chose not to have a baby together was because we enjoy our couple time too much. However there have been times throughout our relationship where we have considered going for full custody due to concerns with the ex. Something I was fully I support of. Things have thankfully improved but I would love to have my DSD more often. My DSS who's now 17 lives with us full time. I would however ensure we got babysitters now and again so DH and I could still have couple time.

I understand your feelings on it but it is what it is and I think you just have to work a bit harder to carve out the time you need.

Also OP…you are allowed to grieve. You had a vision of at least a part-time simpler family setup of just three, and you had this part time, but now you won’t. Anytime life hands you something unexpected that comes with a loss or change, it helps to acknowledge that something you wanted won’t happen or won’t happen again. This is NOT saying that having your SD come live with you full time is “bad”. We all have to grieve changes to move forward, even positive ones like a child growing up, graduating and moving away, or changing schools/jobs. Obviously this is a grief that should be shared selectively with people you trust to understand you are grieving a change in life circumstances, not the addition of your lovely SD.

I think you’re getting a hard time because you’ve parented your step DD since she was tiny. It seems odd in that context to resent a situation where she’s around more. Love should be unconditional. Either you love her or you don’t and it sounds like you don’t. It’s fine to feel tired and exhausted by having two children, but to single out resentment of your step DD being the cause is hard to accept. Be resentful of your partner or his ex, but please don’t channel your resentment into your step DD.

Lots of empathy to you @Stepparentz . Similar situation here, although we don't have shared kids, just my 2 DSDs. They've been here 100% for 12 months, and although they could live with their mum part time they don't want to.

I had to grieve (as previous poster said) for the loss of the child free part of my life, which I loved, and also wrestle with the difficulty of doing totally the right thing for the kids which was absolutely opposite to what I wanted for my life if I was honest with myself. Please don't feel bad for finding this tough, speaking as someone living it, it's tough and you need your be kind to yourself.

We have an arrangement where they now spend alternate weekends (2 nights) with their mum, and grandparents will also look after them to allow us child free short breaks in term time a couple of times a year. Try and find time for you and your partner, and as previous poster said for the three of you went your DSD is at school. It might not be perfect, but it's better than nothing and will hopefully help you find your way through this and adapt to your new normal

Do people not realise how difficult it can be to have someone else’s child in your home? When you first get to know the kids every one is on their best behaviour. They move in and all hell breaks loose. You are just expected to put up with it. I literally locked my step kids out, left them on the doorstep to wait for someone to pick them up while I rushed my son to the hospital. Everyone reaches breaking point.

The DSD is abandoned by her mother -that’s bound to be having a detrimental effect on the DSD -easily could cause long term problems for her.
I feel that DF needs to step up more and is there no other family -aunties, DgM who can help support or take an interest in DSD -surely it shouldn’t all be on the DSM -I don’t see it as her place , it’s the father’s.

'Someone elses child'
You mean their partner's/spouse's child? The children are part and parcel of a parent's life, and if you decide to move in with someone with children, then any decent person would understand that the children should become part of their lives too.

I don't mean a Step parent should have to love their dsds, but the children should be treated with kindness and respect, and their best interests should come above the adults in the relationship.
Your comments are unbelievable and I pity any dsds you have.

I'm not sure how old they are, but it's disgusting of you to leave them on the doorstep, you could've took them to the hospital with you surely, or at least left them in the house instead of on the doorstep!