Full-time stepparenting... I feel resentful

[Stepparentz]

So I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years. When we met my stepdaughter had a 50/50 split, but when my partner and I moved in together she was with her mum all weekends (if I remember correctly...), but it's since then moved to 3 weekends, 2 weekends and now we have her full-time. I realise I should've realised this could've happened when I went into this relationship but I guess I was naive. She is a very sweet girl that I love dearly but she also comes with troubles in every-day life, sadly I am growing resentful internally she's taking up all the time I used to have with my partner and also our child. I know it's not her fault at all, I am just speaking my feelings. Has anyone been in similar situations? I really worry I will never get over this.

OP it's really tough on you.

You've been landed this massive responsibility you never signed up for and it was entirely realistic to expect your dsd's mum to continue having her at least 1 weekend a month through childhood.

Let's face it, while there are plenty of absent fathers, absent mums are rare.

Now you're "stuck" as leaving would impact your dd but also be a second abandonment for dsd.

As hard as it is I would try to see it this way:

• life isn't fair on anyone. Some parents lose a child to illness, some have severely disabled dc, some can't have children at all, some don't get to see their children grow up as they die of illness, others end up with an extra child to raise.

You fall into this latter category.

• Try to view it as if it was a "different" trial from that list, be brave and see it as making the best every day of a tough situation.

It IS tough, it's not your fault but... it's your life so holding onto resentment will just make it worse for you.

• your dd is still healthy and OK. That is such a positive

• it's only 10 more years. Then it's likely you will get more "me" time. You will eventually get some relief.

She is, but her only other available option is to leave the relationship. She cannot expect her boyfriend to push his own daughter away.

This whole situation could have been avoided with a little bit of forethought though. I could never be a stepmum, and that’s why I didn’t date men with children.

Wow so you got together ( and subsequently had a child) with a man with a 1 year old ? Yes you should have realised this could happen.

I think some of the responses on here are a bit harsh because you've been honest and admitted you're struggling with the new dynamic and you can't help how you feel and I get that.
Having said that, this poor little girl has effectively lost her mum and lost her at an age where she knows exactly what's going on. I imagine she's in turmoil and feeling all sorts of emotions right now.
If you don't think you can give her or your partner what they need then maybe you should separate. But that won't bring you closer to your partner again. Quite the opposite.
I think you all, as a family unit, need support to navigate this change in circumstances but just remember, there's a vulnerable little girl stuck in the middle of all this, through no choice of her own.

It’s a tricky one for you. I am a step mum to two and mum to our shared one. We have the SC 50/50. The way I saw it going into the relationship was anything can change in a minute. As the children get older they will end up choosing to spend more time at a parents house. Im prepared for that being ours. Possibly move in as adult children as well. They were here before I was, I’ll always remember they were first. I would try to make peace with your new dynamic. It may be permanent and she has every right to live with her father. Best of luck with your future.

I think you should consider counselling for yourself to help you adjust to the change. Also you’re feeling the pressure now because of her age but in 2-3 years time she will be off out with her friends socialising so it’s not forever. In the meantime though I would really work on your relationship with her because messed up children can turn into nightmare teenagers. Give her the love and support she needs now and this will benefit you in the future.

Not sure you're going to like them...

But the child is 9 presumably goes to bed by 8:30 pm or thereabouts and goes to school, why is it so difficult to find couple time as others said,wait till the teen years...

OP, I think that resentment is a sentiment that can be overcome or at least reduced with the right help and support. It’s good that you recognise it before it gets out hand, and that you are seeking help early on. You know that this resentment is very damaging to your lovely little step child as well as your own child and your marriage.

A trouble-free marriage can never be guaranteed. You could be facing any number of difficult situations that you hadn’t envisaged at all in your marriage, - situations which reduce the quality time you have with your DH and throw all sorts of challenges at you.

If all four of you are healthy, that’s a blessing. If you have income enough to cover your expenses, that’s a blessing. If you and DH still want to be together, that’s a blessing.
You married your DH knowing you shared your time with him, with your little part-time step daughter. Surely breaking up your family to get rid of your resentment fixes nothing, makes everything much worse in fact and your resentment would only grow.

It won’t be easy but I hope you can find the motivation to seek the help and support you need to overcome this resentment which is the obstacle to your family life. Look also for practical solutions that give you extra time with your DH. Eg, Maybe your step daughter has maternal grandparents who would like to spend time with her occasionally?

I see the stepmum haters are out in force.

@Stepparentz I am a stepmum, both to my ex's dc who are still very much in my life and I see regularly even though both are now adults and at uni, and was with my dh although his ds died last year at just 16.

My dsc with my ex came to live with us for a time due to low level neglect from their dm so I totally understand how hard it can be. I bloody love the bones of those kids and see them regularly even though their dad and i split 7 or so years ago. It is really hard to go from trusted adult to parent figure.

My advice would be. Be kind to yourself. As much as this isn't the child's fault it isn't yours or your partners either.

That poor girl needs you and her dad to suck up the change in the short term. And be there for her. She has been rejected by her dm abd to have you walk out too when you clearly love bothbhwr and her dad would be hugely damaging when the situation can be managed better longer term.

Are grandparents still on the scene from her dm and your partner? Is there a wider extended family? If so perhaps they could assist, maybe not as regularly as you got time before but the odd overnight or day trip out wouldn't hurt.

As for 121 with your own child, as with all families that is hard. But has to be scheduled. So dp has 121 with his elder daughter and you do something with yours every so often and then perhaps another time you swap over and he does 121 with your shared child and you have 121 with your stepdaughter.

Your feelings of resentment towards the situation are totally natural. That did it wouldn't hurt to maybe speak to someone professional to help you manage it.

Good luck, you sound like a great stepmum!

Oh do give over.

It is absolutely not the fault of the op or her partner sos tip implying otherwise.

Your poor SD. I feel sorry for her with a step mother like you. She is your partners priority, not you.

I’m confused @Stepparentz

You state that your issue with the situation is that you don’t get to spend any time as a family, just you, DH and your child.

Have you considered that if you leave, you won’t have any opportunity for that kind of time. Plus, if DH goes for 50/50 you won’t even have your child all the time.

It’s the end of school holidays and everyone is frazzled. Are there any grandparents who could provide additional support?

I hope this isn’t real.

Has your SD got any biological maternal family that can step up, maybe grandparents could start having her one weekend a month.

Or can you and your child go away one weekend a month while you partner stays with your SD so you can have a breather.

Alternatively can you have some family counselling to help you adjust to this new normal of four of you at all times. It sounds hard but ultimately remaining as a family unit would be best for both children and we do make sacrifices for our kids happiness over our own.

can you seek out a few counselling sessions for yourself to talk out your feelings in a safe space? I am sorry you are finding things tough at the moment. I’m sure you don’t want to break your family up so please do seek the support you need. Having just started couples therapy myself I wholly recommend getting professional help - it makes the world of difference. Good luck.

You really need to see the impact this will have on that little girl and on your own child.
Personally i think you are looking for something you were never going to get. There will never be just you, your partner and your child because he has another child always did.
sorry if this sounds harsh but you need to stop and look at the bigger picture. Even if you leave you will not get what you want. There will always be 2 children in your partner life.
It must be hard at times and I’m sure you love his daughter. It sounds like maybe you are trying to come to terms with a new situation and you are struggling with it. Maybe take sometime away to think clearly about what it is you want.

This. And it is a great privilege to get to be her mother and ensure that they grow up with a happy and healthy relationship with each other.

I have been with my DH since my DSS was 14 months, now near 14. We went on to have a DS who is now 10. He had him full time so I did know that this my situation from day 1 but as a childless woman I don't think anything could have prepared me what being a full time step mum would be like. I love him with all my heart and he is my son. I don't refer to him as my SS, just my son. I am mummy. However it has not been an easy ride but that is due to him being autistic, growing up and taking his anger out on me. I would be bruised, black eyes ect. but noone else used to get the violent outbursts. Thankfully that all stopped around the age of 8 but I did start to consider at that age could I continue. What if the violence continued into his teens when he was bigger and stronger than me. I was resentful. I used to cry that this was my life but I also considered how would I feel if it was my biological child and I thought I would feel the same!

We used to have a break from both kids as my inlaws used to take them a few weekends a month but we are no contact with them now.

We do things with each child separately, luckily my family accept my SS as our own so they will have one while we do something with the other and that way we get to give each child dedicated time, although only every few months.

Now my teen is not coming out with us as often I actually feel incredibly guilty that he thinks I don't want him, although I know that's irrational as he is just a normal teen.

You can look into counselling for you if you are happy to stay in this relationship as you don't want her to pick up how you are feeling as she will feel abandoned. I grew up with an absent father and my mums boyfriends would come along, be lovely...split up and never to be seen again! It takes a toll. She may benefit from this too if she is going through abandonment issues. This may help the family as a whole.

I feel 6-9 was the biggest struggle for us. He is now 13 and we are very close. He is affectionate, funny, kind and caring. I love him with all my heart and I can go for weeks without not even thinking about him being a 'step' child. I love him just as much as my biological one and I say that hand on heart.

Sorry, I know there is no real advice there but it is either you accept it and accept her 100% or you leave now before she gets more attached and remember more as she is older.

Leave.
Your step daughter was here first.
Her and your partner are a package deal not seperate entities.
If you feel this way, you will be treating your step daughter differently even though you didnt realise.
Honestly I dont understand, do women not understand what they are signing up for when they go for men with kids already?
The child comes first. Always