Full-time stepparenting... I feel resentful

[Stepparentz]

So I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years. When we met my stepdaughter had a 50/50 split, but when my partner and I moved in together she was with her mum all weekends (if I remember correctly...), but it's since then moved to 3 weekends, 2 weekends and now we have her full-time. I realise I should've realised this could've happened when I went into this relationship but I guess I was naive. She is a very sweet girl that I love dearly but she also comes with troubles in every-day life, sadly I am growing resentful internally she's taking up all the time I used to have with my partner and also our child. I know it's not her fault at all, I am just speaking my feelings. Has anyone been in similar situations? I really worry I will never get over this.

If you genuinely resent your step-daughter, it would probably be better for her if you end the relationship with her dad. There is nothing worse for a child than to feel she is resented and emotionally rejected in her own home. And make no mistake, she absolutely will know it even if you try to hide your feelings.

I think you are well within your rights to end the relationship with your partner if you don't feel that you can be fully welcome to this little girl. I know on MN it is often said that step-parents owe nothing to their step-children, that it's enough to be kind and polite, that it's natural to openly favour your biological children. But I disagree (and yes, I am a stepmother myself). Especially in a situation like this one, where the child's mother has essentially abandoned her. The very last thing she needs is to experience rejection from the other mother figure in her life.

God, this makes me so sad. My dad wasn't around much when I was growing up. My stepdad appeared on the scene when I was 9. He and my mum married and had another baby when I was 12. He always treated me like his own daughter. His whole family did. I never felt like he resented my presence when my sister was born, or like I was spoiling their little family unit. I was part of the family, simple. I have so much love and respect for him. I'm sorry, I don't want to be harsh, I know it's hard, but she's a little girl, you intruded into her family, not the other way round. You need to grow up and do better.

Why do you need one to one time with your child and partner? Your stepchild is a sibling to your child - and your partner's daughter. I get that she's not your blood but she's blood related to everyone in your house and one of your family.

I think that's what you need to think of her as in order for this to succeed. The poor little girl has effectively lost her mum.

If you can't embrace her as part of your family I think you probably need to leave your partner.

If the practicalities are the issue, you need to get your DP to parent her more.

This is why many, many women wouldn’t choose a partner who already had kids. Because they’d resent the time, money and headspace on kids that aren’t theirs.

What did she think would happen if the mother died, or the child asked to live with father?

And did your friend think a man who saw his kid once a fortnight and hadn’t previously bothered to ensure had activities to do, would be a good prospect to have two kids with?

This is worth a requote. Your step daughter is your "own" child's sister and your husbands "own" daughter.

You need to communicate with you husband on what isn't working and what is missing so you can come up with suggestions on how to remedy. This will not include being able to change the mother's behaviour as that is outside of your control

What can you both change within your extended family unit that might help (thinking of needs of your time together with your partner, your daughter and her sister)?

It's a change that you need to discuss in terms of going forward, please avoid the "draining" conversations about why the mum is not stepping up. Fact is she should be, but she isn't so how do you as a partnership find solutions for your family and yourselves?

And when @Stepparentz leaves, unless you plan to stay single forever or at least until your child is an adult, you will just creates another step parent/step child situation when you get into a relationship with another man.

So while I agree with you that it's best to avoid being a step parent in the first place, leaving at this age just continues the circle and mess.

Your child's relationship with his/her father and sister will also be impacted and unfortunately it's the children who suffer the malt in such messy situations.

Sorry OP, I think you are being unreasonable and actually a bit ungenerous of spirit, as you have asked.

It's a little girl, who you have known since a baby, who probably does love you and see you as a mother figure, and who sounds very vulnerable. I feel you do have a responsibility to her as her caregiver and family member, especially in the circumstances. In your situation, I think the best you can do, is step up. Not saying some days it won't be hard, but that's family life, isn't it? When we had our 2nd, I basically didn't see my partner for a year, because he worked six days a week to bring enough money in, and on the seventh day, he took the kids and I tried to get as much cleaning done as possible, because the house was a tip. We didn't have the darling, mummy daddy baby days out at the park that we did with our first. So it's often similar even without children being half siblings or blended families or whatever.

Of course anyone can leave any relationship, for any reason they like. But to do so if you still love your partner, if he's a good dad and you are generally happy, it is unlikely to benefit anyone - and actually could be damaging to both of the children in your care. Personally, I think it would be a bad idea.

Oh your poor friend having her life turned upside down. 🙄
Maybe she should've considered the possibility that her dsd may one day live full time with her own father, for numerous reasons.

Your friend sounds quite selfish actually.

This 💯

Interestingly, the OPs child is blood related to her father and stepsister.

The father has that same blood link to both children.
The stepchild has the blood of her father and the OPs child.

They’re a family, as they should be. I really think keeping this in mind might help shape your thoughts about the stepchild being there. All she’s doing is being with her family.

Step mothers are really dehumanised on this forum. They are expected to function only as support humans to their partners and step children and shamed for having any negative feelings about it.

The op is in a difficult situation that she didn't chose. Why are so many posters shaming her for her feelings?

You're just lovely 💐

Can I just confirm you’re unhappy because the time you spend with your partner and biological child is impacted on by your 9 year old dsd?
Despite knowing about her before you started your family with her dad you still took the chance that she would be an infrequent visitor to your new family. Have I got that correct?
In the spirit of kindness I am actually not going to say what kind of person you are coming across as. Perhaps you should have a think of how you would want a stepmother to treat your child in similar circumstances.
Im guessing it would not be how you are behaving

Is their an aunty or other relative that would be happy to take the kids one weekend say every 2 months. All of them. I hope your DH has cancelled CM payments.
It won't be long before she's a teenager and they are often awful so you'll know wht to do with yours!

I'm not saying in this scenario or my own that we aren't partially or potentially even fully to blame, but I also think there's nuance to be added in knowing and accepting something might happen and then actually experiencing this unplanned shift in responsibility, emotional adjustment, and strain on identity - which could essentially happen to all families, with or without stepparents. I don't think mockery helps in any cases though.

Your baby will love their big sister and want to do everything with her. Hopefully she will also love her little sister.

The child can't go anywhere so if you plan to stay you could try counselling.

Are you saying that step mums should never feel unhappy about things relating to step children because they know the SC existed beforehand?

Actually I think woman shouldn’t take on a step mother role unless they can perform
the role in the same way that they would expect for their own children.
If that means they remain single until their children are old enough to be independent of any future relationships then so be it.
Children should always come before a partner.

But how would any women know how they'd "perform" until they are in it? And are internal feelings of unhappiness part of this performance?

How many step children do you have?

Many women believe that they would be happy to do this but struggle with the reality of it. This doesn't mean that they are evil and hate their step children. It just means that they are human.

@PrawnAgain what I am saying is that step parent in this case knew about SD but by her own admission did not ever believe of the possibility that that child would live full time with this other parent, in this case her partner and father of her child. I mean what kind od person would fail to acknowledge that this could never happen and then complain when it does. This woman is complaining that a child is taking time away from her partner. A 9 year old child wanting/needing parental time, can you imagine her response if the boot was on the other foot?

You've helped raise this kid since it was a baby, it's a sister to your own child, why on earth would you want 'one-on-one' time with your child and your partner?

I'm so glad my parents never treated me so horribly.

@PrawnAgain I have 2, not that that matters to this conversation.

She's not complaining. She's on a support forum for step parents asking for help in a difficult situation. Rather than receiving advice to manage these feelings that could have helped her, and ultimately her step daughter, lots of posters like you seem to be here with sole intent of bullying the OP and shaming her for finding things tough.

Feeling unhappy doesn't make someone a bad person. Kicking someone when they are down and shaming them for struggling on the other hand...