Full-time stepparenting... I feel resentful

[Stepparentz]

So I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years. When we met my stepdaughter had a 50/50 split, but when my partner and I moved in together she was with her mum all weekends (if I remember correctly...), but it's since then moved to 3 weekends, 2 weekends and now we have her full-time. I realise I should've realised this could've happened when I went into this relationship but I guess I was naive. She is a very sweet girl that I love dearly but she also comes with troubles in every-day life, sadly I am growing resentful internally she's taking up all the time I used to have with my partner and also our child. I know it's not her fault at all, I am just speaking my feelings. Has anyone been in similar situations? I really worry I will never get over this.

I think you mean you wish it could only be commented on by actual step parents who have the same opinions and views as you?
I fail to see how it is ‘so clear’ who is a step parent and who is not. Shock horror, we all have different values and standards we operate by

Yeah we wouldn't want anyone to respond with empathy for the child in this scenario, it's all about the adults who have complete control to remove themselves from this situation at any time, and put themselves there in the first place.

Thank you for your comment although it is assumptive. I parented my stepdaughter almost full-time when we had our own child so it’s not that I resent it’s not just the 3 of us anymore as there simply never was a “3 of us”. What I’m saying is I miss the 1/2 weekends we had for various reasons. When I mention considering leaving I meant to not cause her damage as unhappy parents = unhappy home. And that’s not fair on her

But I feel lots of practical advice given on here addresses the above with reframing and contextualization of the situation

May I add I am a stepchild myself and it caused severe fractions in my relationships with my parents but my personal experience being a stepmother myself is not akin to my own experiences as I did not want to repeat those patterns

The OP doesn't talk about a boundaried relationship with the SD, she clearly says she is RESENTFUL of the SD being there full-time and reducing time she has with her partner. What do you suggest? OP can't leave because she has a child with the man (who she chose despite knowing he had another child) or do you think the SD should go? It really does come down to that. I really can't believe that people equate the feelings of a child helplessly caught in a situation of not their making at all, and an adult who is in the situation based on their own choices, even if they failed to consider the eventualities.

Not at all.

In an ideal world, what should happen is that the girl's own mother should be a bloody parent and step up.

But given the circumstances, what I think should happen is that the father should recognise that he is now a full time parent to his other child, whereas previously he was only part time, and adjust his life accordingly. That means shouldering more of the load and not putting it all on OP while he carries on as normal. That means taking on some of the emotional labour of making sure everyone in the family's needs are met proportionately, not throwing OP under a bus in order to overcompensate for his poor choice of mother for his first child.

OP is allowed to feel resentful that her DSD's mother gets to ditch all her parental responsibilities, free of consequences. And that her DP enables it because he can pass the buck to her.

I can fully understand why that would cause resentment. I cannot see the logic leap to that meaning either OP or DSD has to leave the family. That's just over the top nonsense.

It is possible to have empathy for thy step child without shaming the op for finding a difficult situation difficult.

Anxioustealady
Yeah we wouldn't want anyone to respond with empathy for the child in this scenario, it's all about the adults who have complete control to remove themselves from this situation at any time, and put themselves there in the first place.

It is possible to have empathy for thy step child without shaming the op for finding a difficult situation difficult.

Why can't a woman post a thread about struggling with her own difficult feelings without it being deflected to be all about someone else's feelings?

Are OP's feelings not valid?

What's happened with the biological mother has happened. Keeping on about it doesn't change the situation for the OP right now. The OP resents the SD staying there full-time now which cuts into the time she has with the partner.

The father is NOT putting it all on OP. In fact the OP has made it clear many times that the father does NOT put any expectations on her at all. "Regarding her father, he’s super involved with both kids and expects nothing of me practically with stepchild." You don't seem to have read OP's posts well.

OP is allowed to resent whoever she wishes, but when there is a vulnerable child of 9 involved, it is how this is acted out that counts. An adult's needs and wants cannot and should not trump a nine year old's.

As for OP or SD leaving here's what the OP said on the matter "Thank you for the response, it's not fair on her hence I'm considering leaving..." So you are basically saying the OP herself is talking over the top nonsense?

You really should read all the posts before pouncing.

Will he though? He's already walked out on his family when the stepchild was a tiny baby, straight into another relationship (if there wasn't an overlap, the "typo" of 7 instead of 9 may or may not be true). I wouldn't be so sure of him picking his child over a woman sadly.

What about reversing the situation - hypothetically you split up with your partner and go onto have a relationship with another man who has no kids and you go onto have another child with that new man, you all live together - you, your child from a previous relationship, your new child and your new partner. Would you accept your new partner saying he just wants your eldest kid to go back and live with its father because he just wants time with you and your child you have together only?

This is the situation I'm in, my partner is bio dad to my youngest and he is step dad to my eldest. I would be heartbroken if he felt the same way you do about the child that's not biologically his.

She is his child, your child's sister and she deserves a place in your life. I feel very sad for her that you feel this way.

Unless there's massive back story that you haven't mentioned regarding behavioral issues or any external factors that make this more than just a normal child living with her biological parent and his new partner and child this is very sad and I think you need to work on your own feelings regarding it rather than leave your partner. Sadly if you do, you may well find yourself on the receiving end of karma if you ever do find a new partner who would rather your child didn't live with you full time.

Also find it really weird there are a few responses on this post that find this acceptable, when women move onto a new relationship the vast majority of the time they are the resident parent and the new step father has to accept the children as that's just the way it is, no question of them not being the resident parent. and if they didn't, there would be outcry from mumsnet telling her to leave him!!

OP is allowed to resent whoever she wishes, but when there is a vulnerable child of 9 involved, it is how this is acted out that counts.

So you agree OP's feelings are valid? Because it did sound like you were saying she shouldn't have her feelings at all.

Where is okay for OP to explore her feelings of resentment then?

She has come to a specific step-parenting board to look for support with managing them rather than enact them on her step child.

What else would you have her do?

You are entitled to your feelings, and to have a moan about it but at the end of the day- if you get into a relationship with someone who has existing children then this is always a possibility.

Whether that be through death, ill health, or just the inability to be a parent from the other parent.

I actually know someone this happened to, she was actually the OW. Naturally she was okay with the child of her partner coming EOW, which is pretty standard when relationships end.

Very tragically, the child's mother was diagnosed with a terminal illness and died at a very young age. The child was only in reception, and had to come and live with Dad and his new partner full time. It was a huge shock to her, something she never considered and she was hugely resentful for years. She wanted to have her new family with her DP and never considered his existing child may at any point become a permanent fixture.

The DP has a high paying job, so it was agreed after a while for her to give up her job, get married to the DP (for her own financial protection) and raise her step child and their own children full time. I think this helped with her resentment as she quite liked being at home. (IMO the Dad should have stepped up and been the default parent but they seemed happy with this arrangement in the end).

These things do happen, and I think it is quite silly to get into a relationship expecting that it would never be a possibility that your DP existing child/or children may have to live with you full time at any point.

There's been a few posts on her recently when teen step children have had to go and live with the fathers for various reasons, and step mothers complaining that the house isn't big enough and of their own DC having to share or give up bedrooms etc.

IMO both mothers and fathers shouldn't be creating new families or more children when they haven't got the means (including enough space/bedrooms) for the existing ones. That's in an ideal world though!

In this case your only option is to either leave if you are unhappy, or get your DH to fully take on any responsibility for your step child (this may cause issues for her though if she feels/unwanted or not fully part of the family).

OP has not asked for her feelings to be validated. She is worried that she'll never get over it and the impact it will have on the child. There is no reason for any of us to tell OP if her feelings are valid or not, she is an adult and feels what she feels and that's it. She's worried about what to do about it.

I see yo've just ignored all the errors in your argument and lack of reading I pointed out in my last reply. Here you are again with another erroneous assumption.

Would you think it was valid if the step daughter in this scenario wanted OP to go away? Or go stay with an aunt or camping every other weekend so she could have more one on one time with her Dad?

Would you think it was valid if the step daughter in this scenario wanted OP to go away? Or go stay with an aunt or camping every other weekend so she could have more one on one time with her Dad?

Yes?

That is often talked about in this topic - the need for the step child to spend one-to-one time with its parent, away from the step family dynamic.

It's also important for partners to be afforded the same opportunity.

Well she probably does resent OP and wishes she wasn't there all the time, but I don't think anyone would leave their home every other weekend to make that happen

But she should of looked at all the possibilities that came with an SD. There was always the possibility the child might move in with them. What if the mum had died ect, decided she didnt want to be a parent anymore, ended up in hospital ect, all possibilities

100% agree that men need to stop expecting so much from new partners, but it's a tale as old as time that they dont

But she should have looked at all the possibilities that came with an SD.

Before he had his first child, did OP's partner consider the possibility that the child's mother might one day abandon her?

Did he imagine the relationship might not last?

Before she got pregnant, did the child's mother consider the possibility that she might one day decide she doesn't want her child any more?

How far reaching is this crystal ball supposed to be?

In any event, it's one thing to imagine a situation in the abstract. You can't possibly know how you will feel until you're actually in it. We know this to be unquestionably true for all sorts of other events. I don't know why it's never allowed to be true in this context.

Well she probably does resent OP and wishes she wasn't there all the time, but I don't think anyone would leave their home every other weekend to make that happen

I personally don't think that would be an unreasonable way to balance everyone's emotional needs. It's not an outlandish suggestion that every other weekend would be ring fenced for dad/daughter time. And similarly. OP and her DP could ring fence time together.

"And similarly. OP and her DP could ring fence time together."

And where should SD go during this ring fenced time exactly? And let's not talk about the mother again. That door has closed. And what about OP's and partner's child together? Would they be included in the OP and DP's ring fenced time together, and only the SD excluded?

Well if your SC supposedly 'takes up most of your time, stops you from socialising and being able to return to work', but your baby doesn't, then I'm intrigued as to what you do with your baby.

Do you either a) palm your baby off to others to look after for hours every day?
b) leave your baby to fend for themselves by sticking them in front of the TV with a bottle of milk and a bag of crisps, and not change them or interact with them all day?
Obviously I'm only joking on point b, but if you're a hands on mum then I can't believe that your step child would really take up more of your time than a little one does.

And where should SD go during this ring fenced time exactly? And let's not talk about the mother again. That door has closed. And what about OP's and partner's child together? Would they be included in the OP and DP's ring fenced time together, and only the SD excluded?

Baby sitter? Like millions of other parents do.

You're looking at this through the lens of one member of the family being excluded.

I'm looking at ways to make sure all members of the family get their needs met.

I'm afraid the truth of how that looks in a step family is different to how it looks in a regular family. If people were more accepting of this truth rather than trying to force-fit step family dynamics into a regular family framework, there would be a lot less resentment.

But the father isnt saying he resents a child being in his home because it takes time away from him and his partner.... and we dont know about the mother, maybe she did. I know on bad days I've imagined running away and not coming back 🤣

You can't possibly know how you will feel until you're actually in it Absolutely. And OP has helped raised this child since she was a baby, so shes known for years what it's like. Shes entitled to feel however she likes about the situation, but she clearly didnt think through all the what ifs

New to mumsnet op.

You will find that the step parenting board is visited by lots of people who aren't part of a blended family and resent the fact blended families exist and their own particular axe to grind at any unsuspecting op. Aibu is probably worse though.

So I grew up in a blended family and boy when I became a sm it gave a whole new lens to things. It ultimately made me look at my childhood and go it's usually the adults in a blended family that cause the issues not the kids. I digress.

So it sounds like your suffering burn out (all parents get this) and had you said your sd was your actual daughter and posted about it , chances are people would have actually read and sympathised with you rather than make up their own "context". Also 7/8 is a really tricky age for all kids.

Sounds like you need some ring fenced time, that your sd and dad need some ring fenced time etc and your sd probably needs some counselling because of mum being a deadbeat and swanning off (I know me writing this will invoke the pitch forks) - but any parent male or female that swans off and doesn't see their kid is a deadbeat in my book. And it would cause trauma and right now she's probably showing trauma based responses at home where she feels safe.

Read a book called stepmonster- really enlightening and balanced read. Has some things that should help.

Also remember the damage that mums created by her fucking off can only be truly repaired by the person who created the damage. Nothing you can do will fix that but you can get sd the support to help her navigate and unpick that.

Just because you're a step mum doesn't mean you aren't human, entitled to feel how you feel, and if required take a step back.

Also to all those people who have suggested op should have been able to predict the future and how everyone would feel and react, what are the lottery numbers for tonight ? 🤭

Don't be disingenous. You were replying to post where someone suggested what happens if the SD wanted OP to go away for the weekend. You replied that would be find saying that similarly OP and partner can also do the same. You suggest SD goes away for a whole weekend with a babysitter? And what of the joint child? They stay presumably and thus making sure the SD knows they are not as welcome as the other child.

Why are you on about repairing damage done by the mother? Who is talking about damage repair? Not the OP. It's you who keeps bringing up things the OP never spoke of. You may think you are fighting OP's corner, but you are not doing any favours by going on about stuff the OP is not discussing.