Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Full-time stepparenting... I feel resentful

267 replies

Stepparentz · 04/01/2025 21:56

So I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years. When we met my stepdaughter had a 50/50 split, but when my partner and I moved in together she was with her mum all weekends (if I remember correctly...), but it's since then moved to 3 weekends, 2 weekends and now we have her full-time. I realise I should've realised this could've happened when I went into this relationship but I guess I was naive. She is a very sweet girl that I love dearly but she also comes with troubles in every-day life, sadly I am growing resentful internally she's taking up all the time I used to have with my partner and also our child. I know it's not her fault at all, I am just speaking my feelings. Has anyone been in similar situations? I really worry I will never get over this.

OP posts:
Pandasnacks · 04/01/2025 23:39

PrawnAgain · 04/01/2025 23:36

Are you a step mum @Pandasnacks@Pandasnacks?

Show quote history

It’s not relevant either way, not all step mums feel the way OP does. Considering leaving over it is a lot, especially when she has her own DC with this man.

Original poster
Stepparentz · 04/01/2025 23:39

Pandasnacks · 04/01/2025 23:32

Considering you’ve been a step parent since she was a baby I’m surprised this is quite so difficult. If he isn’t pressuring you to be her mum and you don’t want to then why are you doing it?

Show quote history

I understand what you're saying, it's true I've been a stepparent since she was a baby, but the dynamic will inevitably shift drastically when a stepchild is suddenly with you full-time and the biological mum is rarely present. It has created new emotional and practical pressures on me that are very different from before. Sidenote, I don't want it to come across like I'm not considering her feelings here, I'm very good to her and take care of her like I do my own.

OP posts:
SD1978 · 04/01/2025 23:40

You probably should leave. There is a 9 yr old girl there full time you do not want to be around full time or parent, and only want to focus on your own child. The best thing would be you leaving because she can't.

Pandasnacks · 04/01/2025 23:41

Stepparentz · 04/01/2025 23:39

I understand what you're saying, it's true I've been a stepparent since she was a baby, but the dynamic will inevitably shift drastically when a stepchild is suddenly with you full-time and the biological mum is rarely present. It has created new emotional and practical pressures on me that are very different from before. Sidenote, I don't want it to come across like I'm not considering her feelings here, I'm very good to her and take care of her like I do my own.

Show quote history

I don’t doubt that OP, it’s clear you are struggling. How long has it been since she was with you full time? Wondering if it’s still quite raw and obviously at 9 hormones can start hitting girls which won’t help.

Pandasnacks · 04/01/2025 23:41

SD1978 · 04/01/2025 23:40

You probably should leave. There is a 9 yr old girl there full time you do not want to be around full time or parent, and only want to focus on your own child. The best thing would be you leaving because she can't.

I disagree, OP isn’t a monster so I don’t think she should make any quick decisions. There is no rush to leave

PrawnAgain · 04/01/2025 23:42

JimHalpertsWife · 04/01/2025 23:37

It doesn't appear she is being asked to "step up" - she said she resents that her time with her dp is being reduced.

Show quote history

Posters in this thread are suggesting the op should step up as her mother hasn't. Did you not read the previous posts?

And would you not be sad if you suddenly had to spend less time with your partner?

Nextyearhopes · 04/01/2025 23:43

I just dread how this poor little girl will be when she is a teenager. So much turmoil, there is no way she will come through unscathed.
It’s not OP’s fault though - it’s her parents who are failing her.

PrawnAgain · 04/01/2025 23:44

Pandasnacks · 04/01/2025 23:39

It’s not relevant either way, not all step mums feel the way OP does. Considering leaving over it is a lot, especially when she has her own DC with this man.

Show quote history

I'm just wondering as it seems odd that you wouldn't be able to understand the change the op might find it hard because she's known the child for a long time. It seems like a comment that someone who has no experience of step family dynamics would make

Kibble29 · 04/01/2025 23:45

Can’t help but feel sorry for this young girl who has effectively lost her own Mum and is being rejected again.

I appreciate that the current situation isn’t what you signed up for, but when human beings are involved, things often change. It’s not this kid’s fault that you didn’t have the foresight to consider this sort of scenario.

You’re annoyed about losing some time with your partner and child (which IMO comes across like you want your own little family setup that doesn’t include his other child), but consider this - you’re an adult feeling this way. How do you think a 9 year old is feeling now that she’s lost all time with her own Mum and clearly isn’t wanted at her dad’s house? That’s your child’s sister.

It isn’t about you, is it? You’ve spat the dummy here (your “I really worry I will never get over this” comment is really dramatic) and maybe you should consider your future. When the teenage years hit, you’ll feel much worse.

Original poster
Stepparentz · 04/01/2025 23:47

SD1978 · 04/01/2025 23:40

You probably should leave. There is a 9 yr old girl there full time you do not want to be around full time or parent, and only want to focus on your own child. The best thing would be you leaving because she can't.

I think it is a bit dramatic saying I only want to focus on my own child when I have taken on my stepchild as my own and admitted I miss having one-on-one time with my child and my partner, which is what I'm growing resentful about. I agree it is not at all fair on my stepchild, hence I'm asking for people's input (really appreciate everyone's responses btw), but I just want to clarify if anyone's sat thinking I do not want my stepchild around at all. I don't know when I alluded to that.

OP posts:
Franjipanl8r · 04/01/2025 23:48

Have you considered family counselling? This poor child has been abandoned by her own mother and her step mother doesn’t want to know her. If she has behavioural challenges it doesn’t take a lot to understand why.

matildaworm · 04/01/2025 23:49

So you're resentful of a child who seemingly nobody wants, because it's taking time away from you and your child? Do you realise how that sounds?

I feel so sorry for that little girl. Her bio mother is uninterested from what you've said. Her stepmother is resentful of her. I sincerely hope that her dad at least is looking out for her best interests.

I get that this wasn't the situation you signed up for when you initially got into a relationship with your dp but even then you must have realised that having a small child around 50% of the time was going to impact on your life a bit. The child has no say in their upbringing but you had a choice to get involved with and have a baby with a man who already had another child. You don't have to parent her but to be resentful of her father parenting her when she has nobody else is pretty grim.

Delphiniumandlupins · 04/01/2025 23:49

If you leave you will have no time with your DP and less time with your DC. So I guess you have to work out what you give up to get closer to what you want. It's not really anyone's fault (except possibly the absent mother).

NiftyKoala · 04/01/2025 23:51

Better to leave before this poor kid realizes how you feel.

Crazybaby123 · 04/01/2025 23:51

If she is now with you full time, it would seem that at this point you are going to have to see her as one of your own. If you are with your oartner for life, so will she be so she is as much a part of the family unit as any of you. It might need a lot of effort and work but eseentially you are also her parent now.

Sasskitty · 04/01/2025 23:52

What does your partner say? If my partner of so long didn’t treat my child like our child, I’d be devastated. I’d end the relationship - there’s no way I’d want my child being brought up feeling second best by anyone (never mind she’s just been rejected by her biological mother, and all that entails).

It might be for the best for you to separate and amicably comparent your shared child.

Rachmorr57 · 04/01/2025 23:53

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Stepparentz · 04/01/2025 23:53

Franjipanl8r · 04/01/2025 23:48

Have you considered family counselling? This poor child has been abandoned by her own mother and her step mother doesn’t want to know her. If she has behavioural challenges it doesn’t take a lot to understand why.

"doesn’t want to know her." Jesus fucking Christ, I'm all for a comment that is uncomfortable and helps me grow and see things from a different light, but that's entirely untrue

OP posts:
Fargo79 · 04/01/2025 23:53

I think it's really, really sad that you've been in her life since she was a baby, she's been abandoned by her mum and you still can't see her as one of your own.

Your partner is her dad. Your child is her sibling. You need to stop viewing her as an outsider who is encroaching on your family. This is the only family she's got and you aren't in competition with her.

Deebee90 · 04/01/2025 23:54

I never understand these threads. You took on a man with a child already. Things change and now she’s moved in. If her mum had passed away would you still be saying the same things. It’s pretty selfish to get with a man that already has one child and want him to be with just you and your joint child and leave her out . If you aren’t happy leave and he can find someone who actually wants the dynamic he has with his daughter who came before you and most likely will come after you.

Applesn · 04/01/2025 23:56

Oh op this is awful for you.

My friend is in a very similar situation.
They had her dsd 10 every other weekend and my friend managed well, they had 2 kids 7 and baby and everything was good.

House / Jobs / Money - few worries.
Then the ex (DSD's mum) was arrested and also had a recent sg notification and was removed into dads care. So my friends world turned upside down.
Her 7 year old has lost their own room and has to full time share parents with the new baby as well as dsd. Plus afterschool activities have lessened due to making it fair so dsd can do an activity too.
She's had to go back to work earlier than planned after maternity and instead of 3 days has to do 5.
She feels like she's been dumped with dsd when she's had no choice and no voice.
School holidays she'd be off with her 2 anyway so has to have dsd also.

Of course the dh is all for his dd being with them all the time it's all he wanted.
But my friend is on the verge of leaving him as she just can't seem to settle and wants her old life back.

It's bloody hard.

No one says it's the step child's fault but adults have feelings too and these situations also turn adults lives upside down.

Lookwhoitisnae · 04/01/2025 23:56

@Stepparentz be aware you may be ripped to pieces here as MN doesnt generally like stepmums.
I was in your situation, SD now lives with us full time. Love her to bits and treat her and our DS fairly. But oh my god it was hard going, especially when mum not interested. Its a hell of a lot to take on a child thats not yours. But us evil stepmums choose to get with a man with kids! 😂
Honestly, speak to your DH about how you're feeling (not easy as my DH instantly defended his DD). I coped by introducing daddy daughter time so we could have some time apart. DH also made time for us as our life seemed to revolve around DSD. I felt so resentful and used! We had some huuuuge arguments!
Eventually got DSD into counselling to help her sort her feelings out, poor kid was so messed up.
Read some advice books 'Stepmonster' is helpful.
TLDR:speak to DH, seek help/advice for yourself and counselling for SD!
Good luck, I wouldnt wish it on anyone but now I have a great relationship with DSD and we are a close blended family. Step parenting in my case and likely yours means stepping in to help that lonely wee girl.
PM me if you'd like to chat

RobinStrike · 04/01/2025 23:56

Does she see her maternal grandparents? Is there any possibility they would welcome having her to stay one weekend per month? Depending how her relationships were on her maternal side she may be missing other family members as well as her mum.

Wildehorses · 04/01/2025 23:57

She is biologically the half sibling of your child and they share a father so are bound together for life, they will be there for each other when you are long gone … how you act now will have lifelong consequences for both these children

Kibble29 · 04/01/2025 23:58

Never forget, OP, that is the choice is between you and his child, he’ll choose her every time.

In a nutshell, I think you need to either leave the relationship or find a way to learn to love your new family dynamic. Any inbetween is just unfair on your stepchild, who has clearly been through a torrent of adult-induced shit recently.