Full-time stepparenting... I feel resentful

[Stepparentz]

So I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years. When we met my stepdaughter had a 50/50 split, but when my partner and I moved in together she was with her mum all weekends (if I remember correctly...), but it's since then moved to 3 weekends, 2 weekends and now we have her full-time. I realise I should've realised this could've happened when I went into this relationship but I guess I was naive. She is a very sweet girl that I love dearly but she also comes with troubles in every-day life, sadly I am growing resentful internally she's taking up all the time I used to have with my partner and also our child. I know it's not her fault at all, I am just speaking my feelings. Has anyone been in similar situations? I really worry I will never get over this.

Some of these responses are awful. Unless you've been in this situation- having a troubled step child with you FT and unexpectedly becoming their primary care giver- you should be mindful of passing harsh judgement so quickly.

How much of the day to day parenting does your partner take on? What aspects of step parenting are making you feel most resentful? You need to sit down with your partner and tell him what you find difficult and try and come to some compromise and solutions between the two of you. But you need to be realistic - wanting to spend time with just your partner and child without your stepdaughter is unlikely to happen. You are essentially a family with two children now and you need to find a way to get your head around that. Maybe your partner can have more one to one time with both children? Maybe you can pay a babysitter to mind your stepdaughter a couple of evenings a month so you can spend time as a couple? Have you considered some counselling to talk through your feelings? Just getting it off your chest in a non judgemental environment could be helpful.

I’m new to MN but I’m sorry are you okay? I do not know any adults to speak like this

Who said I’ve treated my stepchild horribly? “It” - she - is someone I love dearly and would hate to not see frequently and similarly don’t want to cause any damage to if my emotions are ones I cannot get rid of, hence why I’m asking for advice. If you want to give advice, fair enough my ears are open, but at least come correct.

Maybe time will be your healer here? I have full time step DC. It has been very challenging but my choice was the step DC and DP or nothing. It took a mindset change feom me and lots of work but we are ok. It works but the work had to come from me as the step DC are children with no real choice. And believe me they are complex, it wasn't easy but it has very definitely been worth it. I'm so proud of them.

I think you are getting a hard time here OP, probably from lots of people who have never been in your situation. Even people who have commented as step parents aren’t in your individual situation.

I understand that children come first but it’s human nature to be uncomfortable with any big changes - positive or negative. You had a settled routine and circumstances have changed. It’s one thing to be aware that a hypothetical situation might happen but there is nothing wrong with struggling with it when it does.

Both you and your daughter have had your lives turned upside down and now have to make sacrifices. It’s clear you care deeply about your step daughter but there is nothing wrong with being honest and saying you are struggling, I think most people would be in this situation but wouldn’t admit it from fear of judgement, based on there responses it’s clear to see why.

You have this extra responsibility now and I think it’s admirable you say you have chosen to take on a motherhood roll without expectation, you have essentially gone from having one child to two which is a big adjustment for anyone.

I might get flamed for this but as much as I think it’s possible (and essential) to treat a step child the same as your own, I don’t believe you can ever love them the same.
In most circumstances you weren’t there for the beginning of their lives, you didn’t see them grow up or contribute anything to their development, if you split up with your husband it’s possible you won’t be in their life anymore. This means you split your time with your own child for a child who you don’t have the same bond with.

Most people take the same attitude that you knew what you were getting into when you married someone with a child, the fact is you didn’t! No one can possibly know how this would play out unless they are in that situation. Maybe you should post on the step parenting board where you will be judged less harshly.

I think when it comes to step parenting it’s the only situation in life where you are told your feelings don’t matter and the children come first and you should just put up with anything or leave. I believe life isn’t as black and white and it’s it’s obvious there will be struggles but being honest about these feelings means you are more likely to fix things. I don’t think you should just leave, can you not talk to your husband and look at ways to improve things? Maybe if he just acknowledges it’s hard for you then you might feel a bit more validated and like you aren’t just a robot who has to accept anything without complaint.

You have had some good advice and sympathetic responses from people who haven’t just answered without thinking how they might feel in this situation. I think the “you knew what you are getting into comment” is so unhelpful and lacks so much empathy.

Does your stepdaughter have any other family she can spend time with? Can you plan date nights with your husband and get a baby sitter for both children? Can you spend time with your own children separately so they are both getting one to one time with their parents?
A pp suggested family counselling, that might be a good option.

As much as you feel like leaving I don’t think you want to deep down, you want the fact you are struggling acknowledging and to not just have to put up with everything with no consideration to your own feelings. The only way that can be achieved is by being honest and talking and maybe making changes to improve things.

You sound like a deeply empathetic person who wants to do the right thing but also wants their own feelings considered. Ignore anyone who has tried to make you feel like a wicked stepmother.

I really hope things improve for you, it might just be in time that you will get used to the situation more and find it easier to split your time. You might have to put more effort into making it work. Sadly you might find it doesn’t work at all and choose to leave. Whatever the scenario there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling the way you do. You say you are treating both kids equally and that’s all you can do, it’s impossible to change how you feel inside and it’s wrong to judge you on it.

if you genuinely wanted some suggestions for how to get through this, honestly the answer is to stop thinking of yourself as a step parent and her as your step child. If you can’t do that, you would probably be doing her a favour by leaving, but that seems like a less than ideal solution for you and your child - ironically not least as you’ll then be potentially placing your own child into a situation where someone else is step mum to them, and potentially resenting them and making them feel like they are less wanted than other future half siblings.

She’s just a kid. They all come with difficulties at times. If you take the leap to see her as fully part of your family, everything might shift. You are also quite likely to find some of the problem behaviours improve as well; kids are perceptive and she will be aware that she is not cared about on the same level as her half sibling, despite this now being the only home she has. People are capable of loving children who aren’t biologically theirs as their own, but you have to decide to do that. Why did you have your own child? What do you hope for from that relationship? Because you are just as likely to be able to get that from your step child. She’s a person whose life you could make immeasurably better or very much worse. She’s not going to disappear from your other half’s life, or if she does, he’s a shit of a dad and person, so your options are get out yourself, continue this half in half out approach that makes everyone’s life less happy, or shift your mindset and genuinely face whatever challenges there are as a family. I hope that doesn’t sound harsh, I appreciate none of this is easy, but I feel most sorry for the nine year old girl who so far doesn’t seem to have been truly wanted by either of the mother figures she has known.

People judge because you don't need to be in the situation of having a stepchild come to live with you full time before you decide being a stepparent is not for you, and feel resentful of your stepchild"s presence.

By this I mean, if you get into a relationship with a man (or woman) who already has a child/children, then, imo, you shouldn't jump into moving in with your partner too soon, and before you've really got to know his/her dc"s, and thought about what you're potentially letting yourself in for in the future if for some reason circumstances mean that you may end up living full time with your partner's children.

It's all very well people saying that you can't possibly know how you'll feel until you're experiencing it, but it's up to you to take into account that your new partner comes as a package from the start.

Sad. Does her Mum need some mental health help?
I would make sure that Mum sees daughter - just an afternoon per fortnight surely could be managed.

You also need to step up and be the mother while she is in your care. Arrange for your DH to have quality Dad time with both of his kids.
Your child is going to grow up with an older, full time sibling. They will love each other.
My answer comes from wanting only the best for the little girl.

It would be terrible for you to leave. She would then lose you, her sibling and force her mother to cope when she is clearly not capable.
It is only sustainable if your DH respects you as her parent.

Where's your empathy for the OP"s DSD?
What about her life being turned upside down? Your post only shows concern for the OP and her child, and you even ask if her dsd can basically be shipped out on occasions to other members of her family. Poor kid,

The child is the most important part of this equation.
You must either accept this, or walk away and let the parents care for her. Your boyfriend needs to do the patenting, but you need to accept a caring role too should your relationship continue. Good luck

The little girl is central. However because her mother is not coping, Op's well being is paramount to their being a positive outcome.
Op's husband has to make sure Op is being fully supported to care for the two children as she feels she best can .. and he needs to be attentive and involved as a father.

For DSD to spend a little time with her other family is wise. She needs to know her roots and see her mother.

The household will only be happy and functional if Op is valued. A happy functional home is what the kids need.

Not mentally though and I bet she can suss it from you at age 9. You need to get through this for your child's siblings sake. You say you are going to leave your husband because of this? I hope he doesn't meet someone who will reject YOUR child. This is not going to end well is it?

I could never be a step parent as I wouldnt want to raise or half raise another person's child, my two are ND and need my full time and attention

But

sadly I am growing resentful internally she's taking up all the time I used to have with my partner and also our child

The little girl was there first. You took up time with her dad first and she just had to go with the flow didnt she.

And I agree with what another poster said, shes your childs sister. If you've been helping raise her since a baby why do you still class her as an SD?

My dad has raised me and my siblings since we were 2, 3 and 4. He isnt our biological dad and I still saw my biological dad EOW but it was my (step ) dad who did most things for us/with us. I'd be incredibly hurt if he referred to any of us as his step children.

What about the mums family? Does she have parents, siblings who could come and spend time with the little girl?

Plus shes in school for 6 hours a day, that's a nice chunk of time for just you and baby

OP, I mean this kindly but you're choosing to not listen to any of the posters that are suggesting you leave this relationship.

Perhaps they aren't wording it in the calmest of ways but they are suggesting it for good reason. It's not fair on your step daughter for you to feel this way, children pick up on the smallest of energies, even if you're adamant she wouldn't... subconsciously this will be affecting her.

This is your problem and if you can't sort out how you feel regarding not wanting her around permanently, it's you that must go.

Please don't think, for a moment, that your DSD will not be affected by your resentment/feelings.
I'm not judging the way you feel, honestly, but you really need to aware that your DSD, who already had such upheaval, will pick up on your feelings and it's important that you ackowledge/understand the potential emotional damage

Right now you’re going through a grieving process. I would take some steps to go through that process before you take a decision, which you may not be able to take back. You need support for yourself, some therapy would be good.

I know this is a big shift OP, but what an opportunity you have to make a difference!

You have to accept that this is your new reality, as much as you are struggling with it. You are the adult in this situation and if you want to stay with your partner you'll have to step up and treat her as part of your family.

I can understand how difficult it is, so I'd personally get some counseling to work through your feelings and frustration.

If that doesn't work your only other option is to leave.

This

Of course you feel resentful. Caring for a child takes everything out of you. But to have a child that’s not yours also draining the life out of you will take its toll. I think you need to speak to someone about how you feel.

I think it comes down to your partner. If he understands how difficult it is, and will give you time together, time with just your child and time where your step daughter spends a weekend away every now and then so you get a bit of time without her so you can recharge.

If he just expects you to care for his children without maintaining a relationship with you, then you leave. Life is too short to be stuck in a situation you are miserable in.

How old is your bio child and what is the relationship like between him/her and your stepchild?

Does the bio mother have other children? What's her problem that she doesn't want to see her daughter? Your stepchild child must miss her siblings if she has them. 🙁

And always remember you are a person too. You don’t cease to exist once you have a family. Your partner having a child does not mean you are at the last on this list of priorities in your home.

She did choose it though! She chose to enter into a relationship with a man who had a baby. She may not have chosen to live with that child full time, but that’s always a risk when you get together with a man (or woman) who has kids. It’s the poor DSD who has no choice in this situation and who has to cope with a mother who doesn’t want her and a stepmother who resents her very presence. She is the one I feel sorry for.

@Stepparentz you are replying only to the snarky horrible posters (of which there are many in the cesspit that is Mumsnet) and ignoring the many kind and compassionate posters. I get it, I've been there, it's so hard to ignore them.

I don't have much to offer other than to say all feelings are valid and I respect you for reaching out for advice. An evil stepmom wouldn't bother so you're already proving yourself to be a good step parent imo, ignore the holier than thou and their toxicity.

@Lookwhoitisnae has offered some particularly helpful advice as have a couple of other posters. Pay attention to them and not the others! X

She had no idea what she was choosing. She essentially signed the contract without being allowed to read the terms and conditions.
The OP is a person, not a robot. It’s unfair for the child, but the op shouldn’t have her happiness sacrificed for the child.