Christmas budgets - how do you split?

[Chelsieelsie]

Argument this morning so would love some perspective.

DH has DSS from previous. We have 2 DS together.

When asked how much be was sending me towards Christmas presents he said £300 for DSS and £150 for our 2 each.

I think this is completely out of order - surely he should be spending the same on each of his 3 children and then the mums (ie me and DSS mum can then spend whatever we want extra).

He doesn’t see it that way and thinks I am wrong and should pay for half of the ‘£300’ from our household. This means that DSS gets double contribution from DH and then presents from Mum too…

Happy to be told I’m wrong and this is the normal way to do it? But it feels unjust to me.

A 14 year old is so much more expensive than younger children I think that is makes sense to split the money that way and then spend more on the little ones as they get older but he would need to make that explicitly clear eg here is £150 for each child as they are still young but obviously I will contribute much more when they are teenagers.
I'm helping my eldest child out financially a lot at the moment but that will have to stop if the youngest one goes to uni. Both children understand I need to prioritise them differently at different times. It will work out fairly in the end. I'm not going to be giving the elder one money every month because I'm paying the youngest one's rent at uni. The comparison is children cost more or less at different ages.

Then two of his children shouldn't be disadvantaged because an unrelated woman who parents the third is useless.

He can't treat his children differently. That's completely unfair. They've got completely different circumstances because they've got completely different mothers. Any differences because of the mothers doesn't need this over mitigation act to try and make all circumstances identical.

Yes, they'll get slightly different outcomes. They're supposed too. They've got entirely different parents, grandparents, lives....

The children should all have the same amount spent from your household.

I am still even with your clarification unsure how much you are contributing to the presents. However if you add £150 then all 3 have £300 in total thats fair.
If you mean you only add £50 for stocking fillers then your 2 only has £200 and that's not fair.

I do not think your dh should spend say £300 on all 3 if you then add another 150. Giving your sons £450 each. It's about each child in your household nothing to do with what stepson gets from his mum.

As an adult stepchild I promise you I noticed I got less than my 2 siblings that lived with our dad and his step daughter (who didnt even live with him). It's the one thing our mother was scrupulous fair about and I appreciated that.

YANBU. Your agreement is that your DH covers Christmas presents without any significant financial contributions from you (due to you covering birthdays).

300 for DSS => 300 for each of your DSs

150 for both of your DSs/in total => 75 for DSS.

you could argue that presents for older children are more expensive, which might explain a slight discrepancy. I would be fine with that. But £300 for one child and £75 for another? No!

@LePetitMaman exactly how I feel. They have different mums/families (there are pros and cons to each) and so they will have different lives and experiences etc.

And DSS mum & I really are different in every way. Work, hobbies, age, family (hers is huge I have none essentially as my parents are both dead unfortunately) so it's not that one is better - they are both just different and I think that should be ok, and trying to make all 3 children have the same experience of life is impossible. There's ups & downs in each 'lived life'.

@PumpkinsAndCoconuts agreed - and understand that teens cost more. DSS got more last year as he requested a game console, whereas ours wanted some lego and Harry Potter bits - we weren't going to make it up to the cost of the console for the sake of it.

So basically it's not begrudging DSS getting more from your DH, it's a money issue. For 2025 you need to list everything you're paying for that he's not and get him to pay half othetwise this issue will get bigger

I agree with you then OP. I think all children should get the same amount spent on them in your household - IF it's going to be based on money. If what they wants comes to less than that, then that's OK. But to purposely spend more on one child is not ok.

They should all get the same amount from the household so 300 each.

So you either put in 150 each for shared kids or he pays 300 each for all.

We share finances so doesn't apply here

After reading the whole post OP you're in the right. Due to you covering their birthdays and his responsibility is Christmas he should be spending £300 per child (if that's the budget he has set). I think your original post didn't make it clear that you don't contribute for the main presents at Christmas which is why people have flown off the handle. All kids should be treated the same regardless if they're full/half siblings. At your kids age they might not notice the difference in money as much but as they get older they will and that's simply not fair.

This.

He expects you to look after your children which clearly are not to be treated the same as his first.

What a loser.

Wow. This thread has really brought out the worst in people...

I think it's time to propose a new arrangement where you split the mortgage but also split the other costs that you're picking up. TBH it's still not fair to 50/50 that in my opinion but you'd be better off than you are now from the sound of it.

Do this and then add up how much each of you has left over. That will be an eye opener. Of course that will be where the spend on DSS comes from for him.

We both save the same amount each month into a saving account and this covers all our Christmas shopping. I have a grown up DSC (30’s) and we have 2 of our own kids that are teens and live with us. Our teens will get a little more spent on them due to their ages because DSC is married with a child so we buy for all of them. However when they were all younger they would each have a similar amount spent on them

You are right he should be spending about the same on all 3 op. I don't understand why he has sent you the money in the first place though? Surely it is for him to buy his eldest a Christmas present? I don't see why that would be your job?

@Donkeyfromshrek honestly I don’t know how it became my job either 😂

He just wouldn’t sort it I think and then I’d feel bad for DSS when he got obvious last minute waste of money presents

I think it’s fair given the age gap really. £150 doesn’t go anywhere near as far at 14 as it does at 6/8 so they’ll probably have the same amount of presents. £150 for a 14 year old could literally be an Xbox game, controller and an aftershave whereas £150 for a 6 year old could easily be a pile of presents. As they get older the gifts do get more expensive.

@Mrsttcno1 I agree to an extent but our DS6 has asked for a few Lego sets that will easy be £150 and only 3 things to open so it depends on what they’re into I guess

The main Lego set he wants is £230 🫣 which we won’t be getting regardless of budget as you know it’ll end up getting knocked and pieces lost

The 3 DC should all receive the same in your house. Whatever happens outside isn’t under your control. Yes that does mean DSS gets double (potentially) from parents but he also has to travel between two homes, get less time with his dad and siblings etc. I think it’s so important to show fairness in the moment within your home.

Ah, that old chestnut. It’s ok for DSS to potentially get double because he has separated parents ……. Hmmmmm.

OP, you are not being unreasonable

Personally I think £300 is too much to spend on a DC at Xmas. If he values each DC equally he should surely give each DC the same. If you pay all the cost of birthday and he'll only cover half the cost of Xmas then you tell him you'll go halfs on birthday and Xmas in future but this year as you paid for all of birthdays he should pay all of Xmas gifts and if he has £600 to spend I'd be expecting each DC to get £200 each.

Yeah I guess there is that issue. What my parents did and what I’ll be doing is focusing more on equal amounts of presents rather than equal amounts of money, especially if there are age gaps involved because I do think money typically goes a lot further when younger so if that was his logic I could understand that.

I agree with you completely and also don't think it's fair however on MN everyone hates stepmothers and so you won't get any unbiased opinions unfortunately.

lol there is literally another thread going on where someone is making her child a Xmas eve box and everyone is outraged that the step kids aren’t getting one who aren’t even there th at day . Of course they have to have one made especially and given to them days early just so that they don’t feel left out.

but here it’s totally fine to have one sibling get £300 which is a HUGE amount of presents and then get extra at his mums while the other kids get no extras Babur that’s apparently fine because the pooooor step kids are so disadvantaged that throwing presents at them is necessary to make up for their “broken family”. Just wild those double standards