Christmas budgets - how do you split?

[Chelsieelsie]

Argument this morning so would love some perspective.

DH has DSS from previous. We have 2 DS together.

When asked how much be was sending me towards Christmas presents he said £300 for DSS and £150 for our 2 each.

I think this is completely out of order - surely he should be spending the same on each of his 3 children and then the mums (ie me and DSS mum can then spend whatever we want extra).

He doesn’t see it that way and thinks I am wrong and should pay for half of the ‘£300’ from our household. This means that DSS gets double contribution from DH and then presents from Mum too…

Happy to be told I’m wrong and this is the normal way to do it? But it feels unjust to me.

Who are you talking to 🤣 chill the fuck out mate it's Friday

A fool that clearly can’t read 🤷🏼‍♀️ so you obviously.

I do household. So I don't think about the other household. My focus is just on our household and in ours I expect equality. (Within reason, I'm not going to calculate every gift and ensure exact amount to the penny 😂)

So the budget gets split evenly doesn't matter if they're bio or step they're all in the household.
We combine income so it's easier tbh don't have to calculate each parties input.

I find it less complicated to focus on just one household as that's the only one I have a say in anyway so no point stressing or guessing and it means the focus is just on the kids in the here and now.

I would find your DH attitude in poor taste to not want to provide equally for all. That to me is a deal breaker to not have the desire for the kids to feel the same I find filters down into other areas.
Imo family breakdowns and stress from their past you can't pay off and think they'll forgive and forget if you buy them off enough. I think its about moving forward ensuring they have stability in expectations and love that doesn't fluctuate, that remains constant. Even if he thinks lavishing them in gifts and not his younger children, that still is division, even those getting the better end of the stick it still gives insecurity. As from a child's perspective if their dad can give more "love" to some but not others whose to tell if it won't change and turn on them? It's not an emotionally secure environment for anyone.

We don't spend the same on all kids because it tends to be age dependant - ie we have a 3 year old right up to late teens. Their needs and wants are different. But generally I buy for mine, he buys for his and we share any costs for our shared DC. We tend not to focus on how much is spent on who. I actually don't know or care how much he spends on his own DC, that's his business.

I can’t see much mix. Am I missing it? Most people think both your and your husband are wrong but no one really seems to think that whatever the SC gets in total from both his parents is relevant.

your husbands approach to your household finances seems unfair towards you. The solution to this inequity is not to penalise a SC. Give him £300. Or don’t. But if you don’t it’s nothing to do with a SC

if your post hadn’t mentioned SC and had been “I’ve paid for birthdays on my own, now I’m expected to pay 50/50 for Christmas - is this fair”, you’d have got a lot more agreement and advise. Instead it seems like you’re annoyed at how a child is treated because your husband controls your household budgets in a way which doesn’t work for you

Wow I hope your day gets better you miserable old witch.. imagine being this angry about someone else's Christmas thread. You should get out more x

@Roses26 youre still misunderstanding. I don’t think DSS should be penalised. I also don’t think ours should be penalised and should be treated equally by dad. He is a dad of 3 - in my head who the mum is is irrelevant and he should spend the same (or thereabouts) at Christmas. Not half on the younger two cos he thinks I’ll make up the difference. He’d never expect DSS mum to make up the difference.

Considering she replied to you direct and then you still asked …

So the issue is you don’t want to pay towards your children’s Christmas presents but want all children to receive the same?

asking the exact same question when you already have the answer. 🙄 your reading comprehension needs improvement.

@Chelsieelsie
It's not just Christmas. You have said he does not pay for your shared children's costs - clothes, clubs etc.. You have a bigger problem than £300 for your dss.

And you should improve your reading comprehension so you don’t look like an idiot on the internet 😘

OP you have my sympathy.

I agree on the Christmas front and seeing your updates you have a major issue without how the finances in your family are organised. I just don't understand this split money idea when you are married and have children.

I feel like you need to have it out with your dh and recalculate each contribution.

All expenses in a spreadsheet sheet including allowances for everything (birthdays/clubs/food/CMSetc.) and split according to earnings.

@FunnyAzureSheep thank you

You have to stop thinking about what goes on in a household you aren’t part of.

i assure you, im not misunderstanding and likewise i dont think you misunderstand me. Though the reason we’re not getting it is clearly we don’t agree. Which is fine we don’t have to :-)

what DSS mum does at Christmas is none of your business. If she spent £5000 what would you do! Likewise next year if you won the lottery you’d maybe buy all 3 £5000 and that’s fine too regardless of what she does

the only reason why you’re not prepared to go 50/50 on your children’s gifts seems to be, from your earlier posts, that you paid for parties and birthdays. I completely understand your frustration. But all we’re trying to say is, why is this a hill to die on, when your communication issue on budgeting has happened. You can’t go back to before the parties and undo this. He wants to treat all children equally and it seems you do too. But you don’t think he’s treated you equally and that’s valid.

I don’t think this is an example of treating first born or second born children differently. It’s a husband who isn’t balancing the books well with his wife and is treating her unfairly. And the children (SC or not) are getting caught up in it.

I think if your post hadn’t mentioned DSS and was written more from the perspective of your husbands expectation about budgeting there’d be a lot less distraction on how your feelings are valid and your husband is unfair.

We’ll surely this is the issue - if I understand correctly, you and your husband both think all three kids should get the same amount spent on them, not you think your husband should pay for all of it (because of some deal over who pays for Xmas v bday presents) and your husband thinks you should pay half of your two DS’s presents. Is that right? If so it’s a completely different issue than most people are answering…

Currently, do you share all costs (house and child costs) as a percentage based on your salaries? Is this done after taking out the maintenance your husband provides to his ex wife first?
or do you pay half each regardless of earnings?
or do you pay half of household costs and you pay 100% of child costs?
How is childcare and housework shared?

of course he should be paying the same to each child but he doesn't think he should because I suspect he is used to you bearing the cost of your joint kids outside of Xmas.

But in your scenario, that means your children will have more money spent on them than your DSS.

The way we do it is that all children have the same amount spent on them. It's not a case of "I pay half, he pays half", the money comes from our collective household pot and all children are treated equally. What the non resident parent spends on them in their household doesn't come into it.

What the non resident parent spends on them in their household doesn't come into it.

That's also true here @BodenCardiganNot That's nothing to do with us.

But don’t you think there’s a huge difference in him parenting his son without any input from his ex wife and how you parent your younger children together because you are a couple?
It’s really weird that you would expect him to treat you with the same expectations as his ex.

So now you are making light of MH,? Wow you are a gift that keeps giving. I am all good thanks, but sadly plenty are not. And unlike you I don't make ableist comments.

You made clear of your opinion with your quote remarks. It isn't me who's ideas are off.

I commented on that. It can be clearly seen by posts previous to yours I am not in any way materialistic.

Take a good look in the mirror because your comments on child suffering are appalling. 🤦‍♀️

@MostlyHappyMummy

It started as a proportionate ish split, but then skewed in his favour. The main reason for this is because I do the life admin/arranging etc. and so feel like I can't say 'hey this club cost me £150 this term please send £75' (numbers made up for an example) but cos it's bits and pieces here and there it's only when you look at the bigger picture you see the real cost. For example, I've got to pay £300 for next term swimming lessons this week for both of ours - then say the £300 for Christmas presents - that's £600 on those two things alone - no wraparound care included, they both need some new uniform (ruined already 🙄), plus all of the regular bills I cover. I also pay for my eldest to have a tutor once a week as he is quite behind on a few things at school. It's the adhoc stuff that is crippling me.

DH mentioned getting DSS a tutor for GCSEs, which he would cover, but he never once has offered to send money for DS8s tutor - if you see what I mean.

He just takes for granted that I do the thinking and buying for our 2.

@BodyKeepingScore it doesn't. They'll have the same, from dad.

I wouldn't buy much else other than some stocking fillers (which I do every year for all 3). I do think if I wanted to buy my children something I should be able to though, much like DSS mum often does with him 😊we don't share finances, my money is mine and DHs is his.

Ideas from outer space, need help ???