Christmas budgets - how do you split?

[Chelsieelsie]

Argument this morning so would love some perspective.

DH has DSS from previous. We have 2 DS together.

When asked how much be was sending me towards Christmas presents he said £300 for DSS and £150 for our 2 each.

I think this is completely out of order - surely he should be spending the same on each of his 3 children and then the mums (ie me and DSS mum can then spend whatever we want extra).

He doesn’t see it that way and thinks I am wrong and should pay for half of the ‘£300’ from our household. This means that DSS gets double contribution from DH and then presents from Mum too…

Happy to be told I’m wrong and this is the normal way to do it? But it feels unjust to me.

@Completelyjo I just expect him to step up in the same way for all children regardless of who their mum is.

Gotcha, you cover birthdays he should cover Christmas.

That's grand your posts are clearly showing my points. Thank you saved me a click

You can't go around telling people their ideas are from outer space and you need help that is ableist and disrespectful to those with MH issues m

It’s pretty lazy of him to be giving money to his Ex, he should be buying the presents himself

Well I would hope then you wouldn't go around throwing accusations!

You made a comment you were called on the comment

You again made comment and were called again

I happily stand over calling you out on your comment on child suffering, ideas from outer space and needing help

I know it's been said but I think your opening post has not helped the feedback you have received. Your issue is actually that you cover the cost of your kids birthdays and you want your DH to cover Xmas, ensuring all of his three children are treated equally by him. YANBU with this. The fact one of the children is a SC is a red herring, as it's irrelevant to the principle.

But he is. You’re saying on another post “I should be able to buy my kids presents regardless of what DSS’s mum is going” but that’s not even the scenario. No one is stopping you from buying anything, least of all your DH!
On the face of it your DH has contributed £600 and he’s asking you to contribute £300.

Clearly the issue is how your finances are split in general.
You say you paid for the birthdays, why? Was the agreement that he was paying for Christmas entirely? Did you bring this up?
How did you split it last Christmas?

The issue is here is the financial arrangement and that you 'don't feel you can ask' - why ever not? We don't know how big the mortgage is so it is hard to know but I'd be aiming to change things to a joint account for joint expenses, as you already said - bills, holidays, food, mortgage and you both pay an equal percentage of your salaries in.
Regarding the actual issue, with no background info I think yabu because he's covering his dc fully and expects you to cover half your dc which seems completely fair, but the context is clearly v relevant.
Like others, we don't give a particular amount, it depends on the asks each year and different ages cost differently. I remember my dh asking did we spend enough when dc2 was 3, I told him we'd got him what he wanted and would be spending plenty in years to come (150 on football boots as one gift this year!)

But he covers the mortgage.. They need to sort their financial split out.

Nice language

The poster made a comment with quote marks about children in families as "suffering" it's there on the thread. They then went on to say "ideas from outer space.. ... Need help"

They are there in the posts and my responses. I didn't make them up.

I have an issue with people dismissing the issue that family break up has on children so I called both out.

Now that's clarified

And the OP said she covers other stuff that exceeds what he pays for the mortgage ?

Exactly, so they need to sort out how they split things. By the sounds of it, this way leaves too much opportunity for resentment over real or perceived unfairness etc. My DB and wife do it this way and it just sounds like a pain. He'll say he'll get the takeaway cos she got the food shop etc. Way too much thinking for me. Joint account for joint costs, and spend your own whatever way you like suits me just fine.

OP, your DH should be paying the same for all 3 children.
All three are his. They should get the same.
You covered birthdays and parties and he’s covering Xmas. It’s not a hard financial set up to understand and he’s going back on it.
It’s unacceptable.

Why does he think DSS deserves more? Does he always favour his eldest?

Does it really matter how much ££ yiu spend on each as long as they all get presents they like?
You really don't need to spend and £300 each on an 8 or 6 year old. It's more about quantity at that age.

I agree but that’s not going to happen overnight and the issue for OP is he isn’t willing to pay what he should for his 2 youngest children which is unfair.

Yes I completely agree with you that is very unreasonable. I had something similar happen with my ex partner.

Yanbu, we are a blended family, we spend the same on each child and what the other parent spends is up to them, but ours all get the same amount from us. Dp ex is a single parent on a low income so she contributes what she can and the gifts for their shared DC are from all of us, so they don't have more from us than their mum if that makes sense (used to be from santa but now they don't believe). My DC with ex get separate gifts from each of us, exes choice and he spends broadly similar to us

Was that actually an agreed arrangement OP, you did birthdays so he does Christmas? Or just your (understandable) expectation?

No she doesn't?

She wants dad to allocate £300 to all of his children, not just one of them.

@Fizzleawayy I don't think he always favours him, but here have definitely been a few occasions where 'disney dad' steps in - although it's less frequent as DSS gets older. The guilt was more when DSS was younger and we had our two (it was of course a big change for DSS that he handled very well overall).

DH described it as 'DSS is 100% his, & 100% his mums, whereas ours are 100% OURS where we are together' so in essence I think he thinks he needs to parent DSS 100% regardless of what mum is doing - if that makes any sense I'm not sure that explains his thinking at all to be honest 😂

Using the tutor as an example - he didn't sort for our DS8 because he knew I would/have, but he knows DSS mum wouldn't (she's not big on education really - whereas we are a bit stricter) & so feels it's his responsibility to get one (if he even wants/needs it) for GSCEs, hopefully that makes it a little clearer.

@LePetitMaman I don't know why people keep saying I want him to have less - I've never implied that at all lol