Christmas budgets - how do you split?

[Chelsieelsie]

Argument this morning so would love some perspective.

DH has DSS from previous. We have 2 DS together.

When asked how much be was sending me towards Christmas presents he said £300 for DSS and £150 for our 2 each.

I think this is completely out of order - surely he should be spending the same on each of his 3 children and then the mums (ie me and DSS mum can then spend whatever we want extra).

He doesn’t see it that way and thinks I am wrong and should pay for half of the ‘£300’ from our household. This means that DSS gets double contribution from DH and then presents from Mum too…

Happy to be told I’m wrong and this is the normal way to do it? But it feels unjust to me.

“Sorry DSS I know you’ve only got half the amount of presents as the other children but OP isn’t your mum and therefore won’t contribute to yours”.

Lovely! For the sake of £150 which I’m inferring from the OP is not a lot to this household, why make a 14 year old boy feel shit at Christmas. But this is mumsnet so the principles of “fairness” must come above feelings/family relations and heaven forbid previous children could be perceived to have benefited in any way 🙄

But he is covering the other mother's contribution.

So the issue is you don’t want to pay towards your children’s Christmas presents but want all children to receive the same?

Or you want your children to receive extras?

Which is it?

I was under the impression that £300 was being sent to the mother to buy presents for DSS.
Ie dss will receive£300 of presents from his dad and mum.

Not £300 on presents from dad and his step mum??

Have you spoken to DH about his expectations of what you will be contributing?
I first read it and thought, oh that's good he's not expecting you to pay half for DSS and you'll just pay half for your DC. However have seen your update that you don't feel you should contribute to them either.

We have one daughter together, and then my step daughter. 50/50.

Her mum sorts her presents at her house, we sort presents at our house. We spend a set amount on the girls here, both the same, and we both contribute the same. I see both of them as ‘our’ kids so it would feel strange to do anything different.

I'm aware this means my step daughter gets more than ‘our’ daughter as she gets presents at her mums and from her mums family, but that’s one of very few perks of having a separated family! She has to move around, has two homes, parents not together. I think some extra gifts is a very small thing in the grand scheme of how much more difficult her life is to my other daughter.

I guess he thinks the plan would be for you to make up the other £150? It wouldn’t be fair for one child to get £300 and the others £150 so I get that part!

Your comment makes light of suffering. I didn't comment on the money other then equitable contribution.

It isn't a wobble you should be doing with your head it should be hanging it in shame

Making light of children suffering mental, emotional and yes fiscally due to family breakup up is appalling.

He’s not in a household with his first child’s mother so the presents are separate surely? There’s no contribution. It’s just a separate giving of gifts?!

No one with divorced grandparents would expect a joint gift from their grandparents, they’d get two presents so why is it different with parents?

For clarity - I don't think DSS should get less at all - just that DH should contribute the SAME for each of his children, regardless of who their mum is...

Me haivng to contribute £150 per our 2 to level it up with DSS is not easy - £300 is alot for what I earn, BTW.

@fanaticalfairy yes £300 from this house only - Mum then spends similar at her home (at least she has in previous years - not sure her budget this year as we don't discuss it)

He can't dictate what the other mother does as she is not part of their household. She needs to be removed from the equation.

He is making sure all children get the same value of gifts from their household. He is only expecting OP to pay her half share towards her kids and not DSS, hence why he is paying more for DSS.

The only problem here is that OP doesn't want to pay her half of the gifts for her children. This may or may not be reasonable based on what she and her DH have previously agreed. But the simple way yo make things fair 8s for her yo put £150 each towards her 2 children's presents.

I really get where your coming from but I think a happy medium is most fair and realistic.

Ultimately, a 14 year olds gifts will cost a bit more than a younger child so I don't think it should solely be based on the numerical value .

If you aren't contributing at all to Christmas then I would say it would be reasonable to spend day £300 teenager, £200 each per younger child, or £150 younger and £200-250 for the teenager.

Yes, step son will get extra presents from his mum but if you can afford it then what's the bother.

Only thing I would say is that as time goes on, when the younger children start hitting 12,13 and their gifts increase in cost, it's likely that they will be the ones receiving £300-400 worth each and by then step son will be an adult and getting a fair bit less.

As long as each child is getting a decent looking pile at Christmas that's all that matters.

https://www.grammar-monster.com/lessons/quotation_(speech)_marks_meaning_alleged_so-called.htm#:~:text=Quotation%20marks%20can%20be%20used,riverside%20manor%20is%20a%20dump.

Here you go

All of these presents sound far too expensive for a dad who is off work long-term sick. Is the money in effect yours OP, or does DH have savings he is using?

But you had the money for birthdays according to your posts? Again it seems you don’t want to pay because you think it’s your DHs turn. But rather than mention that you’re focussing on what your 14 year old SC will get in total from his two separate households.

Well I’m sure if you said to your DH “I can’t afford to contribute to Christmas presents this year” he’d adjust his contributions so all the children do get equal (rightly so). I think the issue here is he understandably doesn’t want his first son to get less so is increasing his contribution. Some of your posts say you want him to buy equal gifts for all the children (fair) and then you to buy extras on top for just yours (not fair).

Why don’t you sit down and have a conversation about how you as a household will ensure all the children get equal presents?

I’m a bit confused. You both agree that you should buy presents worth £900 in total (plus stocking fillers) for the 3 kids? But your husband thinks he should pay £600 of this and you think he should pay all £900 of it?) Because you paid for the birthdays?)

In which case it isn’t really a step child issue but a “who finances what” issue?

This.

So you want DH to put in £300 for all 3 kids and you put in nothing? If you can't afford if surely that's a seperate conversation and isn't specifically about DH paying completely for DSS gifts. It really doesn't need to be couched as fairness.

It’s normal for a teenager to have a bigger budget than a 6 year old.

@SoNiceToComeHomeTo DH isn't on sick - DSSs Mum is (only mentioned as I'm not sure if it meant he might get less from her this year - so definitely don't want him to get less here too - but someone asked my working situation & so I included all involved adults working situation).

@Roses26 yes - half saved half credit card which will be paid off on pay day 😊(not much & not something I make a habit of). DH doesn't pay even close to half of our joint DCs costs (outside of household bills) clubs, swimming, clothes etc. So I guess I just find the whole thing frustrating and this argument this morning was the cherry on top you could say.

Seems a mixed bag as to responses - thanks everyone.

We spend around £400 per child, and there’s two children living in our household, so we contribute £400 each.

if we were in your situation, £300 per child for three children in your household would mean contributing £450 each. So your husband is taking the bigger share of contributions.

DH doesn't pay even close to half of our joint DCs costs (outside of household bills) clubs, swimming, clothes etc. So I guess I just find the whole thing frustrating and this argument this morning was the cherry on top you could say.

So you have 2 children with a man who does not financially support them fully.
That's your problem - not how much gets spent on which child at Christmas.