Christmas budgets - how do you split?

[Chelsieelsie]

Argument this morning so would love some perspective.

DH has DSS from previous. We have 2 DS together.

When asked how much be was sending me towards Christmas presents he said £300 for DSS and £150 for our 2 each.

I think this is completely out of order - surely he should be spending the same on each of his 3 children and then the mums (ie me and DSS mum can then spend whatever we want extra).

He doesn’t see it that way and thinks I am wrong and should pay for half of the ‘£300’ from our household. This means that DSS gets double contribution from DH and then presents from Mum too…

Happy to be told I’m wrong and this is the normal way to do it? But it feels unjust to me.

@Notmydaughteryoubitch no I think all 3 should get £300 from dad. And then any little extras from me as I choose.

Nobody has made her out to be a bad person. People have pointed out the equity of the three children getting 300 each from th household 🤷‍♀️

By the time they hit their teens budgets are a bit flexible ideally, less one year more another because often gifts desired are big ticket items but not every year. I still collaborate with my ex when it comes to significant items they need eg most recently a wedding dress!

@Lemonmelon1 uses to be close to 50/50 but now maybe every other weekend? He has football matches, gaming nights with friends etc so always prefers to do that stuff (which is fine we like him to come over cos he wants to not cos he feels he has to)

https://www.ispcc.ie/managing-the-impact-of-divorce-and-separation-on-children/#:~:text=Divorce%20and%20separation%20is%20stressful,increased%20risk%20of%20physical%20illness.

Here is one report there's literally thousands.

We treat all our children the same, they’re adults now but when they were little it was the same.

my DD had the same as his DD and our joint children had the same as the 2 DD if that make sense. In other words a £300 budget would be for all 5 children (not that we spend that much). That would include the main present and stocking.

we do the same now I buy each child what they want (about £100) and make up the difference with tree presents.

DIL” get the same as our children money wise (£100 or there about)

GC & DSG all get the same - £75’ish each

Your comment dismissed suffering in a disparaging way. Research clearly shows the impact.

Presumably they wouldn’t be “little” extras though as you’re putting in £150 per child. Are the children all opening presents together? I’m really struggling to understand why you begrudge DSS getting an equal amount of presents from your household when you’re not even the one paying for them.

Let's pretend OP had split with DH.

He has child 1 with woman 1

Child 2 and 3 with woman 2.

If he gave child 1 £300 for Christmas and child 2 and 3 £150 each. We'd all be saying that wasn't fair and he should contribute the same amount for each child.

So, he should contribute the same amount really as finances appear to be separate rather than a pot.

No, but ensuring they get less is just another thing to add to the list of things that potentially make them feel inferior to the family.

As a rule I think he's wrong, spend the same on all kids, particularly if they are similar ages.
The only exception is the younger 2 are very young and can get the gifts they love and want for £150 and are also too young to have have a concept of the cost but the older one is desperate for a Nintendo swith or similar

They wouldn't get less.

If every child had £150 spent on them by dad and X amount by other adults in their lives there's always going to be disparity.

But the parent of all 3 children can confidently say they have all been treated the same by him if they all got an equal amount of his money.

And I didn't say it did. You made a disparaging remark minimising the impact of family breakup on children.

This 100% cannot see the issue

OP your initial question (should DSS have the same as our joint DCs) seemed fair. However your updates seem more that you specifically want DSS to have less than your joint DCs. You want your joint DCs to have £300 spent on them in total and DSS to have £150 (plus a few extras). This is just nasty, why would you want a 14 year old to be sat there seeing their siblings get twice as much as them?

Yes, of course he will get more at his mums, although your post suggests that mum does not have the same level of resources as you and your DH, however you can’t control it, and your DC won’t be there to see this.

I agree. This seems fair for your household. What your DSS gets from his mum is not relevant to you or your shared children.

So your issue is that you don't want to contribute your half share to your children's budget?

£300 per child is fine. But you need to pay your half share for your two. Your DH doesn't expect you to contribute towards your DSS, and so he is covering the whole amount for him.

"It’s complete nonsense that stepchildren “suffer” and*

Really ?? Your comment as you appear to have a memory issue!

I expect an apology for your accusation of making things up!

I think your issue here has nothing to do with the budget for his son and your muddying the issue involving SC and how the budget is split between your children you have together.

from your posts it seems the problem is that you paid for birthday gifts and parties and he is asking you to now pay towards Christmas gifts which you asked him to cover.

it seems irrelevant that he’s covering his sons gift and it’s telling you think it is relevant.

I think the problem is that he wants you to pay towards Christmas gifts and you think you don’t need to because you sorted birthdays. You aren’t happy to contribute because you already did earlier in the year. He either doesn’t agree or can’t recall.

You should be clear in 2025 how you’ll budget birthdays and Christmas between you (regardless of what child it is) and I’d decide if you want to make it a hill to die on or if it’s worth giving him £300 in total to get the gift budgets to where you both want them.

it looks like a communication problem not a problem of preferential treatment for SC or anything like that. It’s not nice to make the argument you’re having about SC as opposed to the actual crux of what’s gone on which will no doubt get your DHs back up

@YaWeeFurryBastard you are completely misunderstanding. I would not put £150 per child. DH would cover the cost of presents for the children equally.