Christmas budgets - how do you split?

[Chelsieelsie]

Argument this morning so would love some perspective.

DH has DSS from previous. We have 2 DS together.

When asked how much be was sending me towards Christmas presents he said £300 for DSS and £150 for our 2 each.

I think this is completely out of order - surely he should be spending the same on each of his 3 children and then the mums (ie me and DSS mum can then spend whatever we want extra).

He doesn’t see it that way and thinks I am wrong and should pay for half of the ‘£300’ from our household. This means that DSS gets double contribution from DH and then presents from Mum too…

Happy to be told I’m wrong and this is the normal way to do it? But it feels unjust to me.

He's taking the piss, OP. Don't let him get away with it. Selfish prick.

We treat our money separately (at DHs wishes to be honest - I'd happily get a joint account and put all 'bill' money in there, holidays & presents etc included).

I guess I just think that as their dad, he should put the same amount in for all of them, then if/when the mums decide to put more in that's a separate thing. I do also buy DSS stocking fillers etc btw, maybe up to £50, meaning that even £150 per child for our 2 from me would still mean they get less.

It’s irrelevant what SC gets from his mum. She could spend £5000 if she wants. You’re focussing on what a teenager gets rather than your husbands expectation about how you spend your money which doesn’t align with your expectation as you paid for birthdays apparently

it’s very distasteful to begrudge what a child gets for Christmas.

a few like me have mentioned your husbands expectations about budgets and you’ve not really replied to that. Maybe you’ll resolve the argument you had that way and enjoy your weekend with your DH :-)

@CwmYoy his argument is because he pays the mortgage that's his share (if you broke down how much we actually spend - which I've tried but he doesn't really listen - I probably spend more than he does in a month across all costs - and earn a lot less than him).

Does your DH KNOW that you won’t be putting £150/child towards your DCs presents?

And we’ve never looked at exactly equal £/child, because their wants vary so much with age. Some years child C will get the most spent, some years child A will get the most etc etc. there’s a lot of christmases to be worrying too hard about balancing the books.

@Roses26 I don't begrudge anything you're misunderstanding. DH should spend the same on all 3, not once did I say he should spend less on DSS.

What do you mean about expectations around budgets sorry if I missed a question happy to answer.

@BobLemon we've had similar conversations before and his answer was 'figure it out'. ie if I can't do the £150 that's a me problem not a him problem.

I agree same amount from the household for all kids, but I can't understand why people are against op buying little extras for her kids as dsc will probably be getting extras from his mum?

Main point I took from this is why is he sending you the money for DSS's presents? Let him sort those out himself, or do you do all his grunt work for him?

So if you don't want your husband to pay the full 300 for your step son, are you suggesting you're going to split that 150 each too?
Because I'm sure you don't mean you want a 14 year old to get half as much as a 6 year old.

Are you unable to read. Shes already said why he’s covering the Christmas budget.

This. Sort of.

You're being disingenuous I think. You say "I think all 3 should get £300 from dad. And then any little extras from me as I choose". He clearly thinks you would "choose" to provide very different "little extras" and is trying his best to reduce the chances of his children being treated differently.

Where I do think a discussion should be had is around the total expenditure, or ideally around the way your finances are structured altogether. If he earns significantly more than you, he's being a complete twat in insisting that expenses are split 50/50. That's potentially in the realms of financial abuse, in fact. You're either married or you're not. There's no such thing as "his money" or "your money" in the eyes of the law and it's completely wrong for one spouse to be worrying about meeting financial obligations, paying for Christmas etc, while the other is hoarding savings and has tons of disposable income. Is this what's going on?

The decision around how much to spend on each child should not be made unilaterally by your husband. Why is he dictating that it's £300 per child? That's a decision for you to reach together. However he is perfectly correct in insisting that the amount is the same for each child.

She said that after I posted love, so perhaps it’s you that can’t read 🤔

The issue here is that you don’t want to pay because you paid for birthdays gifts and parties. But he wants you to pay. So it’s a communication issue about your budgets.

I think you are begrudging how the children get gifts cos you’re mentioning what SC gets from his mum and you don’t want to pay half towards your children gifts.

did you discuss at the start of the year how you and husband divide paying for gifts for both Christmas and birthdays? If not, for the sake of £300 can’t you contribute that towards both your children’s gifts. And in 2025 work out a new approach.

remove the SC from the equation it is not relevant and by focussing on it I can only imagine it hurts your DH and angers him.

are the gifts bought? Do each of your children together truly need £300 in total to be delighted? I don’t understand spending £300 as a target. I’d have it as a limit but if your done spending at £215 for instance why keep buying more tat?

I think it depends. If DSC is spending Christmas with his mum and your DH is sending money to his ex to contribute for the presents, £150 is fine and YANBU.
However, if you are getting the presents and DSC is opening them with his siblings, you can't make a difference and will need to spend the same amount. In this situation YABU.

@Fargo79 i wouldn’t buy loads of ‘little extras’ - although I do think as their mum if I wanted to I should be able to? Much like DSSs mum can if she wants.

My thoughts are what each mum spends should not factor into DHs decision anyway. He should want to spend the same from his account on each of his children.

The responses are split. Lots of interesting points from everyone for me to think about. 🙏

This makes it seem even more like it’s on you to lay the remaining £300 then. If you keep money separate he has paid the full £300 for his child and half of the budget for your shared children, leaving you to pay the remaining half which is how your set up works.
He wants his children to have similar value gifts to open, what happens at his mums is irrelevant as dad doesn’t have a say in it.
Pay for the other £150 for each of your children and then your partner sends you half the money for the stocking.

Oh ok surely you're joking and you're not really saying your husband should buy Christmas while you buy some sweets and fluffy socks

He sounds like a prick OP.

He should be giving each child the same amount and should be covering it in full like he said if you covered the birthday presents and parties.

Id never let my kids receive less.

@Caddycat DSS has never once opened presents here with siblings. A mix of a weird custody agreement (court ordered) and Mums family having big loud christmases whereas we have smaller quiet ones so DSS (understandably) finds Christmas with mum more fun

Am not sure if posters are being difficult on purpose here or if they are actually a bit thick - OP couldn't be any clearer in her post. She wants her husband to spend the same amount on all 3 kids i.e £300 on each, not £300 on one and £150 on the other.
I think that's a perfectly reasonable expectation - as the dad he should treat all 3 the same. The mums then decide what they spend on their own kids and that is a different matter.

If he wants OP to top up the £150 for her 2 kids,then he should do the same for the DSS mum - ask her to top up.

It sounds like there are much bigger issues with your finances but putting that aside, I'd just ask when he's transferring what he owes you for the birthday presents and parties, then use that to make up your £150 share.

I'd also find a way to step back entirely from being the sole organiser. Why the fuck is he transferring you money for presents? Has he no ability to go shopping with his own money? If he's off work surely he has more free time to shop than you anyway!

She’s already said she covered all birthday presents and the parties and he was covering Christmas.

So no, she’s not joking. Stop being a twat and read the thread properly before making a tool of yourself.

@leia24 did you read my other posts? I covered the entirety of their birthdays (parties included) DH didn’t even buy some ‘fluffy socks’

Then I think he should contribute £150 towards his eldest, same as the other 2.