Christmas budgets - how do you split?

[Chelsieelsie]

Argument this morning so would love some perspective.

DH has DSS from previous. We have 2 DS together.

When asked how much be was sending me towards Christmas presents he said £300 for DSS and £150 for our 2 each.

I think this is completely out of order - surely he should be spending the same on each of his 3 children and then the mums (ie me and DSS mum can then spend whatever we want extra).

He doesn’t see it that way and thinks I am wrong and should pay for half of the ‘£300’ from our household. This means that DSS gets double contribution from DH and then presents from Mum too…

Happy to be told I’m wrong and this is the normal way to do it? But it feels unjust to me.

What age are they all ?

What is the age difference and what do the children want.

Quite often a younger child will want and get less expensive gifts. An older child will cost a lot more.

He may have an agreement to cover Xmas with his ex and she covers something else.

I don't see it as necessarily unfair if you are working then your half will bring the children up to the same level

I think it’s fine. Step children lose out enough by having split up parents so extra presents is just a small benefit to offset that. I can absolutely see why he wants all his children to have the same value of presents from the household. This is even more relevant because I’m assuming DSS is significantly older and therefore gifts are naturally more expensive.

I think it’s a bit off that you want your DSS to receive less from your family unit to be honest, he’s just as important and valued as your two kids.

Ok some context. No agreement between him and ex. They just rely on DSS to ask for different things. He is 14.

Our two are 8 & 6.

We both work full time. Ex is currently not working due to health but he pays over and above CMS (by over double) and she is due back in around a month I believe - if any of that makes a difference 😊

@YaWeeFurryBastard I dont want him to receive ‘less’ - I just want DH to contribute the same to each of his - and then I’ll normally top up with stocking fillers etc.

I'm confused, so is he expecting £300 to be spent on each child but that you'll contribute the other 150 for your own too, and he's covering all of SS's?

Or is he actually saying SS should have double the amount for presents as your other 2?

I don’t think it makes any difference whatsoever. CMS is a pitiful amount and doesn’t go very far towards supporting a growing teenager. Good for him for taking his responsibilities to his first child seriously and paying what I assume is a reasonable amount towards his upkeep. I’m not sure why you think it’s relevant? It’s coming across like you think DSS receives far too much from your DH to be honest.

We don't split money between me and DH so we don't have that issue, we have a joint amount of family money we spend on the kids each Christmas (DD and DSC x 3) - we spend relatively the same on all 4 but it does depend what each of them wants a little - the DSC are much older than DD but we keep budgets relatively similar so they will not notice any disparity.

@YaWeeFurryBastard I don't buy the need to spend more on DSC because they've experienced a family breakdown, quality time & relationship with parents and step parents not more presents at Christmas is what will better compensate for that.

i assume you make up the 2 younger DC budget to £300 each? If so, that seems the best solution. The 3 DC should all receive the same in your house. Whatever happens outside isn’t under your control. Yes that does mean DSS gets double (potentially) from parents but he also has to travel between two homes, get less time with his dad and siblings etc. I think it’s so important to show fairness in the moment within your home.

i also think it’s normal for budget to increase a little for teen years when they’d like bigger items. My 12 yo isn’t getting too much this year as he had a new x box last year. He gets that it’s not necessarily the same each year.

So to be clear, you’d be happy for your DSS to receive half the amount/value of presents from your household as presumably you don’t want to contribute towards anything for him? I think that’s awful to be honest, the children should be treated equally by the household. Are you happy for your DSS to sit there and open fewer gifts on the day? Surely not?

@YaWeeFurryBastard someone asked if I worked so I gave the full picture for relevance.

not at all - I often buy him extras too. I’m asking specifically about the Christmas spend split here

I agree with you OP. Their Dad should put in the same for all his 3 children and the mothers (you and ex) can put in what you want.

@NoahsTortoise £300 on each and I’ll cover half towards our 2

So he is stepping up and making sure all children get the same. And 300 won't go half as far as what it will do for children of 6 and 8. Take a football jersey, his will cost nearly double. Runners depending on size the same etc.

If his mum has been sick I would think the kid could do with his dad ensuring he gets a decent Christmas.

We don't have children together so for us my dh pays for sc and I pay for my children. Sc does have less here than mine for Xmas.
Mine are here Xmas day and open all their things that day. Then Boxing Day with their dad and he doesn't buy them much at all.
Sc does the same the other way round. So he has his main Xmas with his mum Xmas day and then spends Boxing Day here. He doesn't get as much here as my Dh can't afford it and also he doesn't spend as much time here so doesn't need as much.
I do think your Dh is being a bit unfair. How often is sc with you?

If you and your DH have separate finances surely you discuss an amount and then split down the middle for your two, which is £150 each?

@YaWeeFurryBastard no - I expect DH to cover the Christmas presents. Like I paid the entire birthdays and parties this year (no splitting in half here).

@Chelsieelsie for clarity are you suggesting that your DC gets £300 worth of gifts on Christmas morning from you and your DH but your DSC would only receive £150 worth of gifts from your side of the family? If so then of course YABU - you cant consider what mothers side of family are buying this is about what you as a family give your childen. If you are suggesting that DSC gets £300 and your DC only get £150 in total from you and your DH then your DH is bu.

By the way OP you'll be made out to be a terrible person on here because first born children must always take priority over everyone else in a family at all times.

@Blankscreen thank you you’ve articulated it better than I did I think

Well my view is why would you be willing to make a 14 year old boy feel potentially less than to the household for the sake of £150? The kids presumably wont know who paid what towards presents so why not just suck it up for the sake of family harmony and everyone being happy. I don’t think this is really the hill to die on.

So the budget for each child from your household is £300, but he's covering the whole cost for step son, because he's not expecting you to contribute half as he's not your child.

So step son gets £300 funded by Dad
Joint children get £300 each, £150 of which is funded by Dad and £150 funded by you.

This seems fair and reasonable, I can't see your problem.

All research and a well used psychology sector would say otherwise.