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Step-parenting

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Am I being unfair? Discipline by new eXW & DP

226 replies

wildfish · 26/04/2008 21:56

Okay step parents, shoot me down, flame me, barbecue me. Jammi & youcannotbeserious welcome Maybe I should have name changed!

I am expressing my initial and current feelings, rightly or wrongly.

I picked up DS (4) this afternoon, and apparently DS - told me - that new SDad was upset, because as DS was waiting for me he opened the inner door (of a flat type block safe place - second intercom door) and closed it, cos he thought I was there - he says he saw me in the window. He was told not to do that by SD.

Now at night, many many hours later, as he is supposed to say bye at bedtime on the phone, she says you been naughty today, (she says its not my business on what) and then makes him explain to her why he was naughty, he says he thought I was at the door, but she says when she or DP say no, he must listen, and then when he says sorry, she puts DP on phone and he has to agree he was naughty again and apologise to DP, who says you are nice most of the time, but naughty some of the time. She then comes back on and says when anyone, especially her or him say no, he must obey.

DS says to me they will be happy now, and when they say no, they mean no.

Note before new DH SD, there was no such absolute discipline. New DH became DH about 2 weeks ago, and was new DP 3 months now.

Okay so its my DS, and she is an X, and he is new DH (who I haven't met yet), and surely I am biased, and I have different levels of no means no (only for the most dangerous or bad behaviour). But I still feel annoyed that DS was made to say sorry to both over such a trivial thing to me, at bedtime over the phone so many hours later.

Go on set me straight - I'm new to this. No doubt over reacting to this, and it really isn't my business. (but still annoyed)

OP posts:
wildfish · 13/05/2008 21:56

I shall ask about various options regarding contact etc, with my solicitor tomorrow, and the best way to handle this.

I would like arggggghhhhhhhhhhh at the moment.

I ask you what type of mother will refuse DS a weekend to go and see his ONLY cousins, and the ONLY children he gets on with.
What type of mother says he can't go until I make him stay there.
What type of mother says he can't see his ONLY cousins, until he sees his "step cousins" or "children of her cousins".
He can't go away to see "my family" until he goes away to see "her family".

I know I can ignore her completely, but I am so stunned - this is supposed to be his mother?

I mean I say we will swap the extra time, but she says no way.

SELFISH and VINDICTIVE is all I can think.

OP posts:
wildfish · 13/05/2008 21:57

Sorry meant to say, tried to join the groups, didn't realise you had to really join Found out today when I finally tried to see why membership was pending!

And yes keeping the daily diary.

OP posts:
madmuggle · 13/05/2008 22:12

As the resident parent what you say goes. Take your wee man to London, have a ball. Keep showing your son what a real parent is. In three years he'll be able to make his own mind up.

Stay strong, you have a lot of people thinking about you

Freckle · 13/05/2008 22:19

Absolutely. Until such time as a court order is in place with definitive contact, what you say goes. If she is being unreasonable, just ignore her and go to London. If she doesn't want the extra contact to make up for the time missed, that's her choice. I would imagine that her arse of a DP will have something to shout say about it, but you can just tell him to go whistle.

alittleone2 · 14/05/2008 12:02

Message withdrawn

paros · 16/05/2008 14:22

Hows it going

duomonstermum · 16/05/2008 16:34

thought i'd drop in and see how things were going but i see it's the same shit different day hope you do/did the london trip. he needs to know that life cn still be normal.....

i know it might not be the route you want to go but i would def be looking at supervised visits if only for your DS sake. it has to be stressful knowing that you have to go somewhere that you'll get shouted at. big hugs anyway.

ps. do you need "hired help"?? only joking!! although there are days that i seriously contemplate it...... but that's a whooole other thread!

clare3009 · 16/05/2008 18:33

I've not posted anything on here for a while, but I've just read this thread from top to bottom and I'm disgusted that a MOTHER could do this! I had a similar situation but to a MUCH MUCH lesser degree. X wanted me to go to mediation because he wanted me to apologise to his GF. It never went anywhere to cut a long story short.

At the end of the day bear in mind one thing - Your son has all of the rights, not you and not her. Not sure if you've been made aware of the no order principle?? But, if she has access and you're not refusing contact it's not in your son's best interests to drag him through the court system. From what my solicitor told me, courts are focused on the child/children involved these days, and not making winners and losers out of the parents.

Although, the whole secrets thing is seriously worrying and Duomonstermum has a point about supervised visits.

If your DS is making the decision not to go then I totally agree with you not forcing him. That's been my opinion with my DD, but fortunatley it's all cooled down a bit.

You really do have my sympathies, and I really feel for your little boy xxx

clare3009 · 16/05/2008 18:41

PS, I don't mean to be rude or derogatory about the whole MOTHER thing. It's just as a mother, I don't understand in any shape, way or form anything that she's done.

wildfish · 16/05/2008 23:55

Well, I saw my lawyer on Wednesday. She left me feeling a little disappointed. She outlined the options (nothing, mediation, letters or court order for residency). Seemed nothing else, not interested too much in new DP behaviour at all. Also said new DP could be a spokesperson for X if X instructed him to be so. Also she seemed too much .... "what instructions next" type of role.

Decided to seek alternative lawyer view, see if they have more "fire in their belly" type of persona.

In terms of other activity relatively quiet, other than now refusing me to go to London on the grounds he "shouldn't see your family when he doesn't see mine". Changes regularly.

Today however bigger blow up. She takes him away, and then with help of another person (not her DP), calls and says DS wants to stay at his mums tonight. I say let me hear him say that and that'll be fine. She says no, and there is nothing I can do other than call the police! Probably true. But the fact she wont let me hear DS on the phone say that...I scoot right over.

Scene out of a film I would say, other woman sees my car coming, grabs DS into the house and locks the doors. DS is crying for Dad and she takes him in the back. X comes back and says how dare I turn up.

Anyway finally we talk, and DS doesn't seem to want to stay at all. Makes me wonder what they said and chose to hear.

Long long evening, other person tells X to persevere tonight. No backing down. So X refuses to let us go until DS agrees to stay over. Once point she tells DS that law man will say stay over, and other law man will do something, and DS is in tears saying he will go to mums for the night. But since he is in tears, I refuse until he says he wants to.

Long story long, She finally gives up at 11pm. DS is so tired, drifting off to sleep in the car and she is not quiting.

I think I have little alternative but to go to court over this now. She has threatened to be in a hotel next time so I can't pick up DS. Once again she can't even wait for mediation, she doesn't have the time to wait a month or there abouts. (Not sure what this time emergency is about).

Lawyer told me based on my end of the story, getting residency would be a high probability. Worst case is court award her a trial one night stay a week. If DS is too distressed he might cancel that.

The costs .... potentially horrendous. But with the threat of "kidnap" on the horizon I feel I have no choice. I don't understand this woman thing of sticking together and forcing me to break my trust with DS to get her, her way.

The only reason she quit at 11pm was that I started to video her on the mobile phone, and said it was to show mediation what she was like. She seemed to run from that ... weird I have to say. Does she think she is being unreasonable then? very strange.

I am annoyed, can't get a single day of peace from this woman, who simply doesn't care about DS at all. All about her. She says he has no choice at 4, so she'll decide (Not sure what happened to me), so I'll say I will decide, she says my mind is clouded hers is crystal clear. Seems no logic. Any referral to mediation or courts and she says nope. Again confusing to me. She claims she will not start court action -- she must have seen a lawyer - mine frightened me by saying whoever starts it has to pay for the court specialist fees (maybe 12K). I can't see why else she is so reluctant.

Does anyone know who the most expensive top lawyers in the country are? I want to give that name to X DP ..... what a idiot he is. He says if I instruct a lawyer then he will launch a counter claim on me and he nor her will be able to speak with me..... From what I understand from my lawyer, family law is NOT corporate law. What an idiot. Counter claim from someone not legally married ? Thats interesting. Unable to speak with me, thats cool. I can't tell her about the school intro days then

OP posts:
wildfish · 17/05/2008 00:02

Oh he thinks I am bluffing about the lawyer. Err no I do have one, my only question is kick it off or not....what to do, and I don't want to give the name until the papers are in place, so they have a little less time and more of a surprise. Counter claim -- sounds like something out of LA LAW (or are you all too young to remember that show )

Sorry comment above about women sticking together .... meant her people (who happen to be women) all saying I should force it, (I should allow DS to feel trust is broken with me), so she can benefit. Why?

Sorry not thinking clearly....trying to formulate whats the next move on both sides.

OP posts:
paros · 17/05/2008 00:09

Bloody hell I didnt think she could get any worse . Hang on in there , I think the best thing to do now is keep your head down and get on with keeping your son with you and supervised visits behaind the scenes as it were , She is truly barking and give her enough and she will certainly hang herself . (I wish literaly but hey ) As a point of view seriously can we not refer to her as DS mothere because she clearly isnt a mother. She truly is barking and you did so well sticking up for him today .

Quattrocento · 17/05/2008 00:11

WF - you have all my sympathy

can I just ask you if it is possible instead of demonising your ex, whether it is possible to try and see it from her perspective?

it would have broken my heart to lose custody of my children

however bad a mother i was

maybe if you just asked her what she wanted and then see if you could come to terms peaceably

this can't be good all this arguing in front of your ds

good luck

paros · 17/05/2008 00:16

I see your point Quatro but have you read the whole post .

paros · 17/05/2008 00:19

ok quatro I can see you have read thread and askihg her what she wants could be an interesting conversation for wildfish . But you must admit she is really weird and controlling .

Quattrocento · 17/05/2008 00:20

Yes I first posted a week or so ago, I've been troubled by it

Of course I think WF is having it really hard right now and ex is being very unreasonable

I meant it sincerely when I said WF had all my sympathy

But I just wondered if there was another way out of all this horrible mess

wildfish · 17/05/2008 00:20

QC absolutely agree with you. Which is why I have never blocked it, which is why I always maintained that he grows in confidence he will return to shared arrangements. Which is why I've never actually said a bad word about his mother to him (I've only stopped defending her now).

But from my perspective about her perspective [does that make sense?] I can only see that while it was convenient, she stepped out. Now she needs the perfect picture completed, she wants in again, without talking to me. Simple order order order. She is happy to demon-ise me to DS. Daddy is this and daddy does this.

I feel I am in this mess, cos I've been too sympathetic to her over the last two years. Should have let her sink up front. grrrr.

Sorry I am getting angry with her - no doubt. remember her motto

Qualifications
Career
Love life
now to sort out son.

OP posts:
wildfish · 17/05/2008 00:26

I didn't add. Stupid sympathy man was thinking okay, how about we try Friday nights, and I pick up Sat Morning, and we drop Sat visits. I tried calling her, and on the third (spaced attempts) thats when X new DP picked up and said stop hounding her and if she didn't pick up she didn't want to talk (like I should know she didn't hear - last time she said call the home line, and then DP mobile if no answer). And that I always hound her (eh .. check the logs you moron).

And they don't want to talk about any proposal as it means I have somehow the upper hand ? (Hmmn this lawyer is one hell of a dick)

OP posts:
madmuggle · 17/05/2008 07:56

Although it goes against every sensible thought on the planet, I would up sticks and move if I were you. You ex-wife is a bitch and her 'husband' is a twunt of epic proportions. Neither of them appear to be able to think about your son as a child and human being, only as an asset

Thought: If they do decide to instigate legal proceedings, is it not a long and protracted affair? Which could play in your favour, as isn't it at age seven that a child gets the ability to have their own say about what they want?

Good luck to you, and as vindictive as it is I hope the twunt gets run over by his own ego and your life calms down soon

tribpot · 17/05/2008 08:07

My god wildfish, how awful for you and ds!

Is there any way to defuse this situation so you can all take a breather and regroup? Logically I would say: go to London for a few days and give ds a change of scene / some time out, but equally that's simply likely to inflame the situation more.

The emotional pressure on your ds must be intolerable for such a little boy (any child really) I can't help but think it would do him good to have some time away.

wildfish · 17/05/2008 15:12

DS has told me that they (Mum and DP) are going to make him stay overnight tomorrow. This is actually against a verbal promise that he could stay over if HE says he wants to.

She normally takes him 2pm to 7:30pm. I fear that at 7:30pm I will not be given access, and I am of the mind to refuse to let her take him at 2pm, and initiate court action on Monday.

Any one around Saturday ?

Any advice - should I refuse access now - pending court action? I can't let DS suffer that level of pressure like Friday - just for her motherly ego.

OP posts:
Freckle · 17/05/2008 15:17

I think you need to speak to exW. Tell her what ds has said and ask her if this is true. If she says yes, then you can tell her he will not be going as this is contravenes your verbal agreement to let him choose. If she says no, then let him go, but, if she then keeps him, you contact your solicitor and initiate court action straight away on Monday. She will lie and say that ds changed his mind and asked to stay, but I'm sure you will find that ds will deny this.

madmuggle · 17/05/2008 15:55

I would be pushing for supervised contact at this point. They are frightening your son. They are trying coercion on you both and they are, to be frank, trying to menace you both. It has to stop for the sake of your son.

Best of luck

wildfish · 17/05/2008 16:11

Since I have been forbidden by hot shot lawyer to call, I will text a message indicating their violation of their verbal promise, the unacceptable behaviour, and as such forcing resolution via 3rd party.

I really didn't want it to get here, but I can't have two grown aggressive bullies pushing DS around to force staying. I suppose at the end of the day, if the judge awards 1 overnight stay (predicted by lawyer perhaps), then the rest of the week I can ignore her which would be superb and I know would annoy her no end.

OP posts:
davidtennantsmistress · 17/05/2008 16:21

i'm in favour of stopping everything after fridays episode until court action, offer supervised contact at a 3rd party's house, NO over night stays NO unsupervised contact.

agree with MM they see your DS as an asset. he's 4, and needs to be protected, he's not there to be used as a way to score points and as a pawn as your X and the new man seem to want to do.

I also don't think you should break ds's trust with you - he needs to know there's at least one person fighting his corner.

and re the london trip - tbh i'd do down next weekend and have a lovely long break.