Am I being unfair? Discipline by new eXW & DP

[wildfish]

Okay step parents, shoot me down, flame me, barbecue me. Jammi & youcannotbeserious welcome Maybe I should have name changed!

I am expressing my initial and current feelings, rightly or wrongly.

I picked up DS (4) this afternoon, and apparently DS - told me - that new SDad was upset, because as DS was waiting for me he opened the inner door (of a flat type block safe place - second intercom door) and closed it, cos he thought I was there - he says he saw me in the window. He was told not to do that by SD.

Now at night, many many hours later, as he is supposed to say bye at bedtime on the phone, she says you been naughty today, (she says its not my business on what) and then makes him explain to her why he was naughty, he says he thought I was at the door, but she says when she or DP say no, he must listen, and then when he says sorry, she puts DP on phone and he has to agree he was naughty again and apologise to DP, who says you are nice most of the time, but naughty some of the time. She then comes back on and says when anyone, especially her or him say no, he must obey.

DS says to me they will be happy now, and when they say no, they mean no.

Note before new DH SD, there was no such absolute discipline. New DH became DH about 2 weeks ago, and was new DP 3 months now.

Okay so its my DS, and she is an X, and he is new DH (who I haven't met yet), and surely I am biased, and I have different levels of no means no (only for the most dangerous or bad behaviour). But I still feel annoyed that DS was made to say sorry to both over such a trivial thing to me, at bedtime over the phone so many hours later.

Go on set me straight - I'm new to this. No doubt over reacting to this, and it really isn't my business. (but still annoyed)

Wildfish, that man is sounding scarier. I would, as others have suggested, be pushing for supervised access for your ex wife only. I wouldn't trust that man she's with to be sane and sensible around your child.

Take care.

Sorry guys. Had to do some real work yesterday. Been slacking too much over the last few weeks. Caught up with me.

I am trying to be firm, but to be honest I am talking to them because they seem to provide so much insight into their mad approach.
X new DP for example says I am playing a victim to keep DS (thats what she does with DS all the time - "Mummy is lonely")
I am too insecure thats why I won't let DS stay over.
I am too insecure, which is why I don't talk to Xs DP about DS - hmmm no, its because you are literally NO ONE.
Punishing me by stopping DS seeing his only cousins - who he WANTS to go and see (asks everyday to go to London).
She can't decide things about DS with DP say so.
Him telling DS to "don't tell daddy" , her saying keep it a secret.
Her saying a 4 year old should be sensitive to her/their feelings. Making DS apologise 24 hours next day
If these people seem sane to anyone I'll be stunned.

When mediation session comes I will try and be concise and summarise why I now think its even more of a bad idea now (which I really do now). Once that is past and on record, I will start to take more tough action.

Hehe I am waiting for the call, telling me I can't have my parents over because it stopped X seeing DS.

When reading over my notes, I have noticed a definite pattern of pushing their pickup times early (by 10-30mins) and my pickup times later (but 15-30mins). Its is very consistent. An obvious power play IMO. Hadn't realised how often it is.

How do I feel after the calls?
Honestly ? Annoyed, Angry, Frustrated and end up replaying it over and over in my head. Very time consuming and really throws me off. Don't get me wrong, my resolve is not buckled by the bullying. But the effect is still very very off putting. The only plus is picking up all the stupid statements they put out.

Do I want to escalate it?
No - Not for DS
No - Because I would be scared of forcing DS over there - especially with this egotistical arrogant controlling [censored expletives] over there.
Yes - stop DS being in X DP company for extended times. He seems to cause more damage than positive.
Yes - stop this incessant annoying communication and demands. And maybe be able to enjoy things more.

Hire a strong willed woman to pose as your new partner. Send her in to battle with the twat and your ex, telling them what they can and can't do etc. Wait for the resultant bitchfest from your ex. Tell her that anything she can do, you can do better.

Sing that song all day because I will be now.

Okay, so I'm not being sensible, but I can't think of anything as fucked up as your life right now, and that includes my own:/

No, MM... That's a good idea.

Couldn't agree more that you will have an almighty bitchfest on your hands if YOU start playing exactly the same games as your X and her fuckwit partner

Seriously, though, decide what it is you are prepared to do and stick to it. I am sure that this arse lawyer thinks by going round and round he can grind you down. Don't even give him the time of day. He IS nothing to your child (and remember I am talking as a step parent. Step parents do need to understand that they are nothing to their step kids. Any respect, love, trust that evolves is a benefit - NOT a right)

I've called MM 'scary' before because she is prepared to do that for her DC. I did mean it in a good way (honest! ) I was sceptical at first, WF, but it does sound like you have real reason to want to watch what's happening here.

You know you guys are right, of course. I told yas that originally when we split X demanded that any new partner must not be called various words of mother or father. But then she started with the new daddy and is using another word for father right now. But if my new partner was calling the shots would seriously get up her, without any doubt. She wouldn't be able to take it.

I don't know if they expect by "playground bully" tactics I'll cave, but I am not going to.
I am prepared to go all the way to the end if need be, regardless of the cost or effort.
Sometimes I do think shouting threatening etc back would work, but I guess I think too much, and wonder if I am already up against 2 psychos.

I am also beginning to get the impression X is confusing getting DS overnight, impressing new DP, trying to "beat me up" and thinking I am all torn up that she has a rich new partner. She does come up with some confusing stuff.

Incidently, you should hear the new school teacher tone she has with DS now. DS didn't want to say bye on the phone today, cos he said "mum would be angry" over something DS was already told off for. (I was there picking up). I can't understand their tactics.

YCBS: BTW re step parents, I genuinely never really wanted a step parent on either side to be nothing. I genuinely would have supported a role/position for them - I can understand the difficulty. But the arrogance, demands, venom towards me and the attitude towards DS makes me want to give him absolutely nothing (well something else but better not say ).

"...the arrogance, demands, venom towards me and the attitude towards DS makes me want to give him absolutely nothing (well something else but better not say)"

... a bloody good kick inna rocks /PTerry

I am available to hire, although I'll have to talk to the twat by e-mail as I'm a softie Southern Sassenach Did I spell that right? My local friendly Scottish mate isn't about for me to check

No, I didn't mean that bio-parents should start off wanting a step parent to be nothing (and, as strained as things were for DH's ex and I, I don't believe she wanted this either) just that it is actually a good position to start from.

Meeting any person (but especially a child) and demanding stuff from them is pretty much a recipe for disaster.

FWIW, I do believe your ex is probably getting a load of issues mixed up, but I get the underlying feeling she is trying to quell some insecurity in her new partner... He seems to want to be involved too much, want to run the show, and it does seem that she feels she has to go along with this / be seen to go along with this.

I'm afraid the more you write, the less I like this guy.

Hope you and DS have a good weekend without too many hassles.

YCBS

Oh well, can't I get a peaceful day or two?

Okay, X came to pick up DS (X DP is not here this weekend). I had DS ready changed, and we were waiting in the garden (garden is front) (I mean its a nice day), then 1 minute before she arrived he decided to walk outside in our street. She came, he decided to run away from mummysauros (He's dino mad at the moment). She is shouting and screaming that she doesn't have time for this (I always wonder why not), she needs petrol, she needs to buy sandals for him.

Anyway him being him, thinks its a game, so carries on round the block. She tries picking him up, but he squirms away. I have to follow, but she makes no effort. Finally she drives round and says you coming or you want mum to go home. He says go home. She says fine and drives off, before stopping and phoning me to hurl obscenities and abuse at me, that I shouldn't have him in the garden I should have him at the door only. She says take him back into the house or else. (Of course I tell her to speak as adult to another adult and stop swearing and shouting).

I take him back to the house, and he runs inside. She comes, he still doesn't come out. She hurls more abuse at me then says she is going to get her lawyer to demand I put DS in the car.

I say what about mediation is that off? She says mediation are useless she has been calling all week to make the appointment early and no one is getting back to her. (They wrote a letter to both saying they will arrange an appointment in a few weeks).

So I bring DS to the car, and he just makes dino noises to her, (she doesn't find it humorous). She then says she will see me in court. He refused to go. I say do you know how long court is, she says a couple of months. I said no its a year. She said she'll get the best lawyers to speed it up.

She also said she would go for 5-2 (5 days her). I said good luck with that, she says she's the mum and she will win if she wants that. I said I dare you to, she said you've seen a lawyer (well yes), but I said no mediation told me. I said so one year later when the courts agree with me (bluffing) what you going to do, she said at least she can move on with her life.

Oh well court it is then. 6 months to a year to toughen him up. I doubt I'll get 7 days, but hey I don't think it'll go down to 50-50 either. And if she cancels mediation, shouldn't look good.

See how committed her DP is to spending the money. Damn I don't have 30K either, but hey thats what credit cards are for right?

Frankly I didn't want court, but if they initiate it, then I am not backing down either. Dirty laundry out it comes.

Big gamble on my part, but I feel I have no choice. Though I would imagine the lawyers would suggest mediation first, since thats what sheriffs prefer to happen first too. gulp

You know, she said

I shouldn't take him for a walk, or play in the garden or do anything that is attractive, when she is coming, so he will go with her. Just have him ready and standing at the door.

Those were her words.

In which case, I suggest you do exactly that. If the only way she can get her son to want to be with her is to make the rest of his life too boring for words, then she has a problem.

Freckle: Do which way? Make it boring or not

I have nothing to contribute to this thread except sympathy

Good luck wildfish

Not!

Have just read this thread and share the sympathies and concerns of the other posters.

I am particularly freaked by the remark that you undermined them by taking ds to the zoo. Was Seaworld okay, in that it's only land-based animals that should not be seen twice in two days?!?! That has to be one of the maddest things I think I have ever heard.

I wonder what version of events she is telling the new 'H'/'P'/'Lunatic'; I would be prepared to bet she will say that you weren't looking after ds safely by letting him walk on to the street. So prob worth being prepared for that accusation.

It's completely bizarre that a mother would want to delegate all decision-making about her own child to someone else. The "don't tell daddy" thing is sinister, most definitely. Your poor little boy, he deserves better than this On the plus side, at least he has you, think what any children of these two are going to have to go through

Supervised contact would be my recommendation too; both your X and her new fuckwit 'H' seem to have a great deal to learn about parenting.

go to course wf - we're all here for you to rant at etc.

Get everything legalised and formal. do not give in and bow down to her demands.

courts - afaik (and i'm no expert here) favour the child NOT THE MOTHER. to that end as said mother is not the RP, coupled with various other things you';ve said, it's highly unlikely they'll got for 5-2 in her favour, and I doubt they'd do 50/50, tbh they'll prob cut her down to weekends or soemthing./

eityher way this isn't healthy for your son (as you know)

so talk to your solicitor on monday and take it form there. where our kids are concerned we alwasy find the money/a way around things.

can you get legal aid at all?

You know I thought it was going to be a quiet weekend as X DP was not up here.
Who knows perhaps he will come storming on my door tonight or tommorrow after flying to the rescue - I wouldn't be suprised.

The way I see it - completely my own view -

1. She chose to persue career 1st.
2. She chose to complete education 1st.
3. She chose to pursue love life 1st.
4. She has never picked up DS on time (shows lack of commitment IMO).
5. I have always handled nursery and school (her initial reaction was to say you are handling keep doing) (I selected nursery too - nursery still say that was a strange thing, normally mum or mum and dad. lol they initially thought I was a widower).
6. She has just put new partner in place of 2-3 months.
7. She has chosen to remove herself as the sole parent in exchange for newpartner and her - there is no Mum & DS but MUM/nDP and DS..
8. She has changed the house rules from soft free reign to hard you will comply.
9. She is punishing me by depriving DS seeing his cousins.

10. She puts her own sleep ahead of DS (often said I want a lie in, so I'll come at later time ....). 11. New partner feels its justified to teach my DS to keep secrets. So does she 12. She feels DS should be sensitive to her THEIR feelings. 13. X nDP was annoyed DS did not greet his mother with more feelings after a two day trip to London.

1. I have NEVER stopped her from seeing him.
2. I have bent over backwards to let him see her
3. I have NEVER stopped him from staying over - only I will not FORCE it.
4. I have always kept her consulted over major decisions (even when she doesn't care).
5. I have always been flexible in times.

well I could go on and on .... I already have many many times Thanks for all listening and reading.

TP: Seaworld they didn't pick up on that sharks are not at Zoo's . Otherwise it would have been a double bam on me "How dare you undermine us by taking him to two places"

DTM: Legal Aid is a no. At the moment it would be a no for her too - but who knows what crap she would pull, like quiting job or something. Mind you if he really earns 100K then its not really an issue for them.

"10. She puts her own sleep ahead of DS (often said I want a lie in, so I'll come at later time ....)."

This woman is a parent?!?!

Actually, she isn't, from all you describe. Very sad for your ds. I don't even understand why she wants custody? Particularly five days a week? Is that to be weekdays, so she's limited to taking him to school and then picking him up / dinner / bedtime? (She's probably not thought through the holidays!!)

TP: She has a "romantic" picture in her head. I can't verbalise, but its like a 1950/1960's tv advert/show. Mother looking after a clean house, Father out to work coming back, peck on the cheek. Mother prepares breakfast for the kids who sit down eat it, and go off to school. Mother waves from the window. ...... Kids come back, father comes back, all sit down discuss the day, then kids get ready and go to bed and get a kiss and go to sleep. Nice little clean package. No faults, no issues. Picture book family. No trouble with sleep, no getting up too early, no time constraints, no tantrums, etc etc.

So she needs DS to complete the fantastic picture.

I read you regularly and grimace for you and more so for your DS.

Disengage - not for your sake, but for DS's. Nod, "Ah" on the phone and get on with your lives. Do look at the private schools they'd like to pay for and if there is one that would enhance DS's life beyond anything locally, - agree, as long as the school acknowledge, in writing, who the primary carer is!

They are both playing games - you can't stop them but you can prevent it flowing into your daily lives anymore than the agreement states.

Meantime, RANT, your DS does not need to know his Mum and new Step-Dad are a right pair - because, bless him, he already knows this and he is still lucky - he has you in his corner. I had a lousy father and a Mum who is amazing, and you know what, she more than made up for him, and even allowed me to love him.

hope all is going well for you .

Hope you had a relaxing Sunday. I feel for you, I send you my scary parent vibes if you wish for them. YCBS can vouch for my apparent insanity when it comes to my babies

I was trying not to bore you all. I could make this into my daily blog!

Actually on Sunday there was more carry on. DS was refusing to go, he was running around the block (but made me carry him back!), and she was screaming, crying, swearing and threatening. Great I live here! But that now seems standard issue. The worst part was whenever DS refused, she phoned her childless DP for advice!!!!!!!!!

One point she called over DS and said "[that word for father] wants to talk to you", put it on loudspeaker and then her DP started to shout - and I mean shout (you could hear the voice at full pitch breaking with anger) "[DS] that is not acceptable behaviour. Listen to me, you have no choice, get in the car. Are you listening". SHOUTING.
Lucky my brain did kick in (its a bit slow at times), and I shouted back into the phone "DO NOT SHOUT AT MY SON", and told DS come on we don't put up with this behaviour. Told X it was unacceptable. I could hear him shouting "keep out of it" to me.

Anyway apart from me actually hearing this tosspot shouting at DS (really gives me the creeps now), I eventually persuaded DS to go (out of fair play or stupid play) shopping with mum. During the 1 1/2 hours of no no no , her X was on the phone again many a time to her, and once again to DS this time without the shouting but still the I am boss voice, and was telling him to get into the back of the car and go with mum, and he has no choice. (I guess when he is not around he doesn't know the seat is in the front - she isn't 100% borg yet).

Sorry I babble on. After hearing him shout though and I mean shout, I am very concerned about how he treats DS over there. I tried jokingly playing his role by saying to DS yesterday
"Look I am very upset at you, I want to you go and ...", and DS had tears in his eyes. I didn't even have a stern voice.
DS also told me he has to "play in his room" when "adult conversations" are happening. Not sure if that is there or here, but I told DS over here don't worry.

I have an appointment on Wednesday to see solicitor - she said the email was so long, better to come in and talk

btw:

X on sat was dropping mediation and seeing a lawyer
X on sun was going to mediation ("to not look bad in the eyes of the law") but seeing lawyer on Monday
X on mon was going to mediation and seeing lawyer after mediation was completed.

I don't know whats true and whats bluffing or whats tactics, but I am going to be prepared.

I should ask any advice on how to have DS (4) handle Mr Temper over there?

This sounds like a huge power game for both X and her DP. It is clear that they both expect instant obedience from ds and I am concerned at what happens at their house when they don't get it - which is often inevitable with a 4 yo.

I think you need to stress your concerns about this to your solicitor. It sounds like emotional abuse to me, so goodness knows what it must be like for your little boy. I think the DP is dangerous and potentially violent.

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