Am I being unfair? Discipline by new eXW & DP

[wildfish]

Okay step parents, shoot me down, flame me, barbecue me. Jammi & youcannotbeserious welcome Maybe I should have name changed!

I am expressing my initial and current feelings, rightly or wrongly.

I picked up DS (4) this afternoon, and apparently DS - told me - that new SDad was upset, because as DS was waiting for me he opened the inner door (of a flat type block safe place - second intercom door) and closed it, cos he thought I was there - he says he saw me in the window. He was told not to do that by SD.

Now at night, many many hours later, as he is supposed to say bye at bedtime on the phone, she says you been naughty today, (she says its not my business on what) and then makes him explain to her why he was naughty, he says he thought I was at the door, but she says when she or DP say no, he must listen, and then when he says sorry, she puts DP on phone and he has to agree he was naughty again and apologise to DP, who says you are nice most of the time, but naughty some of the time. She then comes back on and says when anyone, especially her or him say no, he must obey.

DS says to me they will be happy now, and when they say no, they mean no.

Note before new DH SD, there was no such absolute discipline. New DH became DH about 2 weeks ago, and was new DP 3 months now.

Okay so its my DS, and she is an X, and he is new DH (who I haven't met yet), and surely I am biased, and I have different levels of no means no (only for the most dangerous or bad behaviour). But I still feel annoyed that DS was made to say sorry to both over such a trivial thing to me, at bedtime over the phone so many hours later.

Go on set me straight - I'm new to this. No doubt over reacting to this, and it really isn't my business. (but still annoyed)

I second everything DTM has said. They've now pushed things to a point where the absolute best thing for your ds is for the madness to stop and for things to be put through a formal process.

And definitely go to London next weekend!

Well.......do I ever stop? sigh, I feel like a SIM in a big SIM game.

Anyway bedtime call ..... DS says don't call mum, I say why not
"cos she will be angry"
I say "why"
"cos she was shouting at me today"
"why"
"I was listening to adult conversation"
"when"
"in the car, they said daddy is horrible"
"and"
"I said daddy is nice, and mummy was angry"

So I say if she shouts I'll shout at her.
During the call DS says
"I don't want to sleep there Sunday"
She says
I never said you have to sleep over, only I wanted you to sleep here
and DP says
And we said you have the choice

yeah right.
They have sent a text saying pickup at 7:30 as agreed and until a court sorts it out access should remain as is. Suppose thats as close as evidence I can get if they renege that they are untrustworthy. I think I'll buy a new mini video camera to wear at all times.

wildfish, they can say what they like. I'm sure they would like access to remain as is until a court ruling. I'm equally sure you would not.

at listening to adult conversation (at all really) but IN THE CAR? Was he meant to get out?!?!

I honestly think you need to break contact for a while, even a few days, to give your ds a little peace. My ds is nearly 3 and the thought of him in only a year's time (or indeed ever) going through something like this just breaks my heart. He is a child. I do genuinely think his needs are better served right now by a cessation of this contact. Is supervised contact at a third party's house feasible, is there someone who could do it?

Well they are going away for 7 days yes yes yes.
And we are going to London... though would have preferred to do it while here.

Every morning DS says "has mum gone far away yet? Then we can go to London"
And says he doesn't want her coming back.
And he is saying "daddy get a new mummy"
And about 'old mummy' she "can stay far away"

Surely that's not good. But it is her doing. She is the one who said to him you can go when I go away. She is the one who introduced new mummy idea -- really don't know why !

hey I just realised you probably wont hear from me during those 7 blissful days... probably

Though 7 days is not enough. 7 years maybe...oh well.

Mind you she'll still phone. Though in the past I used to pay for those foreign calls (cheaper to call from here) ... but not this time.

WF, when is she going away? I kind of get the impressions from your posts that until yesterday she wanted full custody pronto, now they want to go on holiday so it wouldn't be "convenient" until after said holiday.

Really glad you're getting to go to London stress-free, hope you have a lovely time! Feel free to send updates like "went on the London Eye, really enjoying ourselves" if applicable!

She introduced the "new mummy" idea? For no reason? She truly is barking, isn't she?

Of course we'll want to hear from you if you want to talk

If your lad doesn't want to speak to his mum, don't make him. I'm on excellent terms with my ex as far as stuff like this is concerned, and our kids speak to him every night as part of their bedtime routine. However, if my daughter has a snot on and doesn't want to talk, I just let him know and he's fine with it Your ex needs to learn to grow up I'm afraid.

I hope you enjoy London, and that your son has a whale of a time.

Going on Thursday (so he said) Friday (she said) ..... back Friday following according to her. So we'll go on Friday I guess. For the weekend since I'll still be at work (only so much before they notice me missing )

Yep she wants things now, but that's like standard for her, reality and actions are different in her head.

"new mummy" was introduced by her. I could imagine a number of reasons (getting it out of a 4 year old is not that easy at times).

I could imagine she said it so he would accept "new daddy" (on the basis there is no actual new mummy) You know "your daddy will get married and then you will have a new mummy too, like this new daddy". I'll be honest I retaliated by saying "old mummy", but DS came up with the idea of a complete replacement by himself

IT seems as though your wee lad has completely made his mind up about his mum. From the sound of it he would probably feel safer and have a lot more trust in his mum if there's rigidly structured supervised access.

I've no idea how these things work, can you just decide on your own to do that sort of thing, contact such a place and ask for it to be set up? My ex and I sorted out access ourselves, our arguments are that I will not allow him to take my children anywhere near his new partner whore. If I had your concerns I wouldn't even let him near my babies.

madmuggle I love the approach. I seem to miss that particular trait in life (in general). You wont let him near the "new woman" and you simply imposed it. It certainly proves to be the best approach, I'd say [stands in admiration]

It's one problem I have is I don't try it, cos I jump to the next 3 levels and say ahh but the judge wouldn't accept that. Even though we aren't at the lawyer stage. doh!

Unfortunately now I have the amateur family lawyer playing along too, with his counter lawsuits and co-named counter claims it's a bit harder in my head!

They both sound mad. I would definitely keep a written record of everything and I second what Madamez says, the guy sounds abusive. Have you and your x got an agreement on corporal punishment btw? I would be very very insistent on that one.

Part of me feels sorry for her, she obviously has no sense of self and has been completely taken over by this bloke. The other part just thinks she's such a flake to be so taken over that she's not safe on the streets and should definitely not be allowed to make adult decisions about your DS, she's not capable.

lol, was told previously not to talk to her in person, Friday told not to talk to "his wife" on the phone, and now told not to talk about DS via text either.

What a pair. I suspect because they think I am bluffing about the lawyer. But hey stupid stupid, you corner someone then they fire back. If she refuses to communicate then lawyers letters (at 100 pound a time ouch). But if he helps her write responses then brilliant it would be perfect.

hope you have a good time in london. but you really have to stand firm and try to get supervised visits..... she's messing with his mind. if a man did this to his child he wouldn't be allowed near them and it should work both ways. i have to admit she sounds as mad as a box of frogs

Dhs ex put the kids through similar hell and we ended up changing solicitors twice. luckily the last one was a barracuda . funny cos he didn't want another female cos the first 2 were shite (he used to say they were exs DP in drag) but new one was scary!!

sorry wildfish, I cannot follow any of this, not sure what all the abbreviations mean or what sex you are!!!

BUT I think to put all this pressure on a 4 year old who has enough to contend with all this pandering sounds really awful! I think you're instincts are totally right. It sounds over the top.

Here is a question for you all with experience of the courts.

X has a friend (the one that locked up DS in the house when I arrived) - causing him distress - which now translates to DS being scared of me!

This friend has said the court action will take 2-3 months even when a conflict. She cites her own experience. No interviews, no experts, just lawyer submissions then judgement.

My lawyer says, court action will take 6-12months, where there is a conflict. The lawyers cannot handle it like in normal law. Judge will interview parents, and very likely appoint specialists (expensive) and they will interview parents, witnesses and possibly even DS.

Who is telling the truth?

PS DUO, yeah I think I need a scary one too

wf - might be worth starting a thread off about caffass (think it's called) lots of people on here have been thru it, either in relationships or lone parents, and I understand they're the specialists as it were appointed by the courts. (but that's only what i've picked up form on here - so ask someone in the know) I think glitterfairy def had these folks over, not sure of any other posters off the top of my head thou.

2-3 months is probably the time scale when there isn't a conflict. The CAFCASS officer will have to interview both parents alone, both parents with child, child alone, possibly new DP, compile their report and then try and get a court date. Your solicitor is the more accurate.

Why are you taking any notice of exW's friend who clearly does not have your ds' interests at heart??

Oh not taking notice as such, but was wondering in case solicitor has been telling me lies to inflate fees. lol 2-3 months of no conflict .... what would that be like. I like the interview with everyone thing.

DS said today to me, he would stay at Mums .... when he's older .... but he's still small yet. He is coming up with some good ones nowadays. Still love the we'll drop mum at the airport and she can go far away and then get new mummy and then we go to London. If it wasn't in the midst of this seriousness it would be funny.

I'm sure families need fathers woud have some very good adice for you plus they would be able to recommend GOOD family solicitors/lawyers - they do exist and recommendation is the best way to go. I'm not sure if the law is different in Scotland to England/Wales (are you in Scotland or am I imagining it?)

I'm not surprised your ds wants his Mum out of the way at the moment, why are they too thick to see that he needs time & patience to adjust to such massive changes (ie change in Mum's parenting style & the sudden interest).

I would be inclined to ask your ds if he wants to continue the daily phone calls and if not how often he would like to speak to his Mum - pre-school days only etc etc? They seem to do more harm then good. I think you children like to switch off from the parent they are away from and keep them pretty mutually exclusive.

I am so sad for you and your DS my ex and I have co-parented and arranged all contact being completely flexible and it's just not been an issue IYSWIM.

Scotland yes.

When you surround yourself with "yes men" then you can never see any other alternative as being real. Its all reinforcing the same view. Thats why I come here, because there is a mix of views, and scale of views. Yes you guys are terrific for support too, but equally you remind me of the fact it is about DS. (Family naturally just want revenge).

It just crossed my mind, the eX friend on Friday (one who locked DS in the house) who said just persevere, until DS gives in (I mean on the same day not over months), only allows her eX 6 hours contact a week with the two girls. No overnights, and she has stopped contact since Jan, despite court agreement. Hypocrite comes to mind.

CarGirl: flexible parenting should be the way it is, as long as Children are getting the best of it, the adults can also get the best too.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! about your X friend!

The irony is if they backed off with all the pressure your ds would probably be happier to try an overnight stay.

Wildfish - I have commented on your threads before, but jesus they have esculated their behaviour.

THis means you are threatening them. You haven't backed down adn they are not sure where to go (hence threats/attempts at control escalating). DOn't forget that.

Your son has a father to be proud of. This fight can't be easy but you are doing well.

You will need to keep angry for the upcoming battle. And they will play dirty by the sounds of it.

Just remember though - never post anything on here you wouldn't be happy for them to read. Never put anything that could harm your case. All it takes is for a friend of a friend to see it or someone to google.

NEver stop believing in yourself and remind yourself of all you have acheived so far.

Just wanted to tell you you are someone to be admired through this. And your boy is a lucky one.

TA thanks.

I think I am comfortable in what I've put up so far (Maybe I should double check )

CG I actually agree. The less the pressure, the less the anxiety and more likely to have a result. DS is the type of kid - from observing - that will never jump into the deep end of a pool when told too (cos he is scared), but let him stay at the pool, and come back later he will be jumping in no probs (own speed and own comfort level and own probing). (Okay I wouldn't leave a 4 year old at the pool, but you get the idea )