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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Partner's kids refuse to meet me

271 replies

Buttonsmum67 · 25/10/2024 11:58

Good Morning

I have been with my partner for 2 years. I have two adult children 19 and 17. Partner has children 12 14 and 15.

This is long winded so please bear with.

He and his wife split after 19 years (3 years ago) after she slept with someone and told him and they decided to end the marriage.

He met my children about 8 months in and they get on really well and have done ever since. Obviously being older they both pretty much have their own lives so mums boyfriend has not been a massive issue to them.

My partners kids do not want to meet me at all. Which to me is fine. It's only been two years and they're only little and he was there the whole of their lives and they are probably still navigating their new way of life etc.

My partner has his own flat which he is never at as he is always at mine. His kids due to their ages and wanting to see friends maybe go to his house once a month. He invites them every weekend but they normally state they are with friends and doing things with them etc. They speak to their dad daily on the phone. The flat he has is hemorrhaging money as he's never there and even when the kids come over they don't want to sleep over as they want to get back to computers or whatever. Again fully understand. But he is now paying £1000 a month in London for a flat he uses to see the kids one to two Saturdays a month.

He wants to move forward with me and move. I am perfectly happy staying in my home and having him move in and there is enough room for his kids to come and visit if they ever wish to.

I however am now feeling super guilty I am going to take away the place they can see their dad without me being there as I will bend over backwards to accommodate them but I won't be leaving my home or making my kids go out on any days they wish to visit.

He of course has the option to take them out for the day but should they ever want to stay or maybe if their mum got ill or there was an emergency (I'm an over thinker lol) they would be forced to be around me which they don't yet want to do.

But I am also at the same time ready to progress my relationship to the next level with him.

I want his kids to be able to come round but I also don't want to force them to be around me.

Do I have him move in and progress as we are. He wants to have a frank decision with his kids that he's moving in with me and is planning to marry me, but then I don't know if that will be upsetting for them either.

OP posts:
Ozanj · 26/10/2024 21:28

Him moving in with you ONLY benefits you. It will probably make his relationship with his kids worse. Just drop it and let him carry on repairing the relationship with his kids.

Aroastdinnerisnotahumanright · 26/10/2024 21:46

I don't see how the OP benefits from him moving in. Only the cock lodger is better off.

Can this even be real, where in London does a 2-bed cost a grand per month? Is the OP really naive enough to think that will all be spent on the kids?

Olderbutt · 26/10/2024 23:20

Whoowhoo · 25/10/2024 12:11

His kids should come first. No way should be move in with you so they can't come to stay with him anymore!

I don't agree, the OP has been very accommodating. With the money he saves he could take them for weekends away or similar.

Borrowedtime · 27/10/2024 03:02

I'd give him a break. His wife of 19 years cheated on him and just like the kids, he had his life turned upside down because of it. It presumably wasn't his life preference to move out and be living on his own with his kids only staying occasionally. It's been 3 years. He deserves to be able to pursue a new relationship. I would probably suggest keeping his flat for another year or so, but he should be having conversations with his kids to start to pave the way so it's not another sudden upheaval.

Lollygirl15 · 27/10/2024 08:18

I’ve been on both sides of this so a couple of observations….
when I split up with my exh he only saw my 2 dc (13 and 16) weekly and said the same thing - teenagers have their own things going on. They stayed rarely and usually as my insistence as I wanted them to have a good relationship. Looking back they just didn’t like going and this has continued over 7 years and their relationship now isn’t that great.

I now have a lovely bf and my girls get on great with him. His daughter (26) didn’t want to meet me for a while as she had struggled with her parents split the previous year as no idea how unhappy they were (amicable joint split). It took my bf actually going to chat with her, being a bit vulnerable and telling her it was really important to him that we met and had some sort of relationship that she agreed (as she wanted her dad to be happy).

I think that rather than moving him in your partner needs to ensure that you meet his kids and start to build a relationship. Good luck 😉

Amabitnewhere · 27/10/2024 08:39

SereneFish · 25/10/2024 12:20

I wouldn't be with a man who was willing to lose contact with his children for a girlfriend.

This nailed it.

Gouki · 27/10/2024 12:02

HalloweenHannah · 26/10/2024 21:13

It's not their father' house. It's the OPs and her kids home.

No one is saying he puts his life on hold. You don't have to move in together to have a relationship.

I think the OP has a lot more to worry about with this guy than his relationship with his kids. He seems very keen on moving in and getting married. Nobody falls in love quicker than a divorced dad with no assets. I wonder why that is 🤔

Show quote history

First of all, my mistake; I meant to type father's home, as they would be living together.

Secondly, yes; people are saying he should put his life on hold - read the comments again, people are literally saying he should not move in until the children are older. That is putting his future on hold.

As for his intentions, the way OP writes, it seems she is the leader in wanting him rid of the financial burden of the apartment. He's practically living with her already now.

HalloweenHannah · 27/10/2024 14:54

Gouki · 27/10/2024 12:02

First of all, my mistake; I meant to type father's home, as they would be living together.

Secondly, yes; people are saying he should put his life on hold - read the comments again, people are literally saying he should not move in until the children are older. That is putting his future on hold.

As for his intentions, the way OP writes, it seems she is the leader in wanting him rid of the financial burden of the apartment. He's practically living with her already now.

Show quote history

I've read the comments thanks and you are incorrect.

It is not putting your future on hold not moving in together. You can still have a relationship without being in the same house. One that doesn't involve making a conscious decision to alienate your kids because you want to save some money.

The OP is clearly having doubts or she wouldn't be posting here. As a mother she wouldn't dream of doing this to her children, if she did she wouldn't be feeling guilty. She has clearly indicated he's pushing to move in and is feeling uncomfortable about the situation. She's right to question the situation and why he'd be willing to take a step that she wouldn't herself.

BlueFlowers5 · 27/10/2024 15:23

I think DPs DC come first. His children may never want to meet you, OP, and maybe never want to be at your house.

Their views about their parents breakup and/or relationship may not tally with your DPs views.

His responsibility as a parent is to keep seeing his DC and maintaining a positive relationship with them, not him forcing them to do something they currently don't want to do.

Calliopespa · 27/10/2024 15:29

HalloweenHannah · 27/10/2024 14:54

I've read the comments thanks and you are incorrect.

It is not putting your future on hold not moving in together. You can still have a relationship without being in the same house. One that doesn't involve making a conscious decision to alienate your kids because you want to save some money.

The OP is clearly having doubts or she wouldn't be posting here. As a mother she wouldn't dream of doing this to her children, if she did she wouldn't be feeling guilty. She has clearly indicated he's pushing to move in and is feeling uncomfortable about the situation. She's right to question the situation and why he'd be willing to take a step that she wouldn't herself.

Edited
Show quote history

Also sometimes parents do have to do things like “ put their lives on hold” once they get Dc. There are lots of holidays etc DH and and I would like to do but they just aren’t appropriate right now. Similarly, I have a friend who wants to move to a different county but her children are happy and settled at their schools do they are waiting. That’s parenting. The “ me me me why: SHOULD I be impacted?” attitude is poor parenting.

premierleague · 27/10/2024 16:22

So if it's still 5 years time and they don't want to meet me we should never move in together?

Well yes, of course.

If he's a decent father.

Calliopespa · 27/10/2024 16:41

premierleague · 27/10/2024 16:22

So if it's still 5 years time and they don't want to meet me we should never move in together?

Well yes, of course.

If he's a decent father.

I think once the children are of an age they would likely have moved out of home in normal circumstances, that’s different.

But for now, they aren’t that age. They still need to be able to go to their dad’s as of right.

I do think if they don’t want to meet you in five years time, they shouldn’t be forced to. But the need for a home they are comfortable in lessens once they are in their twenties, maybe very late teens.

Cazzoh · 27/10/2024 18:01

His children are not babies. What I find strange is that whilst mum had the affair and no doubt living her life, dad is meant to live on his own on the off-chance they may want to visit. They don't visit weekly, only when they feel like it. These children are not "little" (I had to recheck the ages). The older two are teenagers - I have twin 14 nearly who are nearly 15 year olds so know what they are like - and the youngest is 12 and will soon also be a teenager.

The OP is not the reason the marriage failed, so why is she and her partner being the ones to have to "suffer", financially and emotionally. It sounds as if he is being punished by the children. These young people not babies.

Have the children said why they don't want to meet their dad's partner? They are older enough at that age to explain why. Do they think one day daddy and mummy will get back together?

What sort of relationship does the OP's partner have with his ex-wife? Has he spoken to her about it? It may be that she needs to intervene and explain to her children that they are not going to get back together and she has moved on so it is right their dad should too and that wherever their parents are (separately) there is a home for them.

I really think your partner needs to know what their objections are rather than "we just don't want to".

Gouki · 28/10/2024 14:41

HalloweenHannah · 27/10/2024 14:54

I've read the comments thanks and you are incorrect.

It is not putting your future on hold not moving in together. You can still have a relationship without being in the same house. One that doesn't involve making a conscious decision to alienate your kids because you want to save some money.

The OP is clearly having doubts or she wouldn't be posting here. As a mother she wouldn't dream of doing this to her children, if she did she wouldn't be feeling guilty. She has clearly indicated he's pushing to move in and is feeling uncomfortable about the situation. She's right to question the situation and why he'd be willing to take a step that she wouldn't herself.

Edited
Show quote history

Well there we go. You do not believe taking the next step in a relationship i.e. moving in together, is progressing with your romantic future.

Nothing to add to that. You have your conviction. Good for you.

Mememoo · 30/10/2024 07:35

Oh come on guys there not little children there teenagers they only visit daytimes like twice a month, and it's been 2years already plus it was there mums fault for the break up, id be sitting down with children and having a long discussion about this because it doesn't seem fair. There dad deserves abit of happiness and sometimes kids don't like stuff but where do you draw the line in putting them first amd being completely ruled by them? It's a tough one hope you noth figure something out and all goes well for everyone involved.

StormingNorman · 30/10/2024 07:40

If he has any hope of his kids ever coming to terms with you, he needs to sort out your relationship with them before he moves in with you. If he steamrolls over their feelings, he can kiss goodbye to any meaningful or loving relationship with them.

More to the point, what’s attractive about a man who disregards his kids feelings?

Emptynester67 · 30/10/2024 07:42

HalloweenHannah · 25/10/2024 12:58

@Buttonsmum67

Ooooh I'd be really careful here OP.

Putting aside his kids for a second, why on earth would you get married when you own a house outright and have two kids you'd presumably want to leave that house to in the event of your death? If you marry this guy you'll be putting their inheritance at risk. Why would you do that?

Does he have any assets of his own? if not ask yourself why not.

Sorry but him pushing to move in sounds like a bit of a red flag to me. Add on top of that his kids not wanting to meet you and I'd tred really carefully if I were you. Have you actually seen evidence they are saying this or do you just have his word for it? it's entirely possible he wants to keep the two worlds separate until he's got his feet under the table.

Just go slowly and carefully OP. That would be my advice. Rushing into living together because he wants to save money isn't a good reason to put yourself at risk.

If you want to do an acid test on his intentions. Tell him you'd like to wait another two years before you make that commitment and see how he reacts. That should tell you what you need to know.

My thoughts exactly. I'm not sure what the laws are where you live but where I live your husband would inherit everything if you die first and don't have a will and then his children could inherit YOUR house from him leaving your children with nothing! Be careful.

Beccaboo0979 · 30/10/2024 08:40

My husband and his ex split because of her multiple affairs. My DSD alwsys had an underlying resentment of me which we never knew why.

Turned out his ex told her that the reason they split was because my husband left her for me leaving them both.

This all came out when she was 13 (after we had neen together 10 years) and dhe had moved in with is because of falling out with her mum. It came to a head when my husband was at work and she started threatening me. And calling me allsorts

DH sat her down and told her the truth, then got his ex on the phone to join in the conversation forced her to tell the truth. (DH and I got together 6 months afyer they split)

You may find the truth is being witheld to why they split or worse (like in my case)

Beccaboo0979 · 30/10/2024 08:43

Those worrying anout marriage/ him moving in and the ownership of OP home ... A prenup and will will negate any of these issues. If he's in it for the right reasons he'll understand this.

Dymaxion · 30/10/2024 08:53

I presume you only have his say so on the reason that his marriage ended ? If it was a relatively amicable split, then surely these are conversations he should be having with his ex ?

Are the ex wife and the children still living in the marital home at the moment ?

Does the ex wife have a new partner ?

Is he essentially already living with you and just going back to the flat when his children visit ?

user1492757084 · 30/10/2024 09:35

Your husband to be should keep the safe flat for his children until they are comfortable meeting and seeing you or until the youngest is eighteen...whichever comes first.

Yes, it is a waste of money but he needs to prioritise being available for his children.The money would be better spent saving for the kids' tertiary éducation.

Seagoats · 30/10/2024 10:13

Whoowhoo · 25/10/2024 12:11

His kids should come first. No way should be move in with you so they can't come to stay with him anymore!

You sound delightful, she's putting his children's feelings first. Did you not read her post?

Op. With.the money he would save on his flat he could easily whisk them away for a weekend if it came to that.
Your dp needs to try and find out why the kids are so anti you. I think you sound lovely

Little404 · 30/10/2024 10:18

I personally couldn't be with a man who after 3 years hasn't sorted accommodation that allows his kids to have their own spaces even if sharing rooms in what should be their second home. It should feel like home to them. Saying in dad's room willst dad sleeps on the sofa isn't that. It isn't their own space.

He is not facilitating anything to make this work...

A good parent would be allowing them to stay with then whilst having their freedoms abd taking them to friends, activities etc so they want to stay and spend time with them...

He is a terrible dad or they would want to see them.

After being together so many years ask yourself if she did infact cheat why? Women who stay with men that long usually only cheat (which I'm not saying is right) if everything was broken and they asked over and over for change for the man to step up, do more, participate etc and were ignored. These men are then "blindsided" when given divorce papers or cheated on (again cheating not ok just end it!)

He's not likely being honest how this came to pass.

I wouldn't be surprised if there wasn't actually any cheating and she just left him but saying she cheated makes her the and he takes no responsibility for his behaviour in the relationship breakdown so new partners don't question why she left him. Cheating makes it seem something done to him not him fing up or being a poor sad and husband.

Maybe he was the one who cheated abd if you meet the kids you could find this out?

I question his character because of how he is treating these kids. The lack of effort to see them and be involved. How he is willing to further impact their relationship by moving in with you and speaking of marriage after only being together 8 months.

Love for your children is supposed to be the most strongest love and yet he is seemingly unable to put them first. Did he do his fair share with them when wirh his ex living in the family home? Probably not or they'd still have a strong relationship. He was likely always like this with them.

If he can be this way with his children , imagine how he treats partners... This is not a man you want to get involved with. He has only thought about himself at every point.

His eagerness to marry after only 8 months I would be cautious .

I wouldnsugest saying to him "what if we waited 2 years to try and improve things with your kids first" and see what he says... if he is adamant about moving in properly and marrying ASAP to the point he would break it off if you wanted to wait 1-2 years that's worrying.

Also if he's basically living with you why has he not made "his bedroom" at his flat into his kids room? Wouldn't that have made sense? To make his kids want to stay?

As he mostly stays with you does he do his fair share around the house ? Does he contribute where he can financially?

You outright own a property I would be cautious marrying and risking your children's inheritance for a man you have being with for 8 months.

I'd be waiting a few years for marriage

You have given more thought about his children than he has and that to men speaks enough of his character. Imagine this man was your kids dad at those ages ....

You can do better

Little404 · 30/10/2024 10:21

Emptynester67 · 30/10/2024 07:42

My thoughts exactly. I'm not sure what the laws are where you live but where I live your husband would inherit everything if you die first and don't have a will and then his children could inherit YOUR house from him leaving your children with nothing! Be careful.

Show quote history

This is what I also posted and if they split he could be entitled to some

Littlesandjoolz · 30/10/2024 10:27

Buttonsmum67 · 25/10/2024 12:16

So if it's still 5 years time and they don't want to meet me we should never move in together? The issue with money is he's spending a grand a month for nothing when he could be using it on them???

Show quote history

He is using it on them, the flat they feel comfortable to stay in. Theres no way id be giving up the opportunity to see my kids, if they refuse to ever stay when I moved in with a partner. They are only 12 and early teenagers, things change, they could want to stay over at any point. Having said that, if if split with a partner, I'd be making sure I had my weekends (or whatever days work) with my kids. None of this "we're with friends"