Partner's kids refuse to meet me

[Buttonsmum67]

Good Morning

I have been with my partner for 2 years. I have two adult children 19 and 17. Partner has children 12 14 and 15.

This is long winded so please bear with.

He and his wife split after 19 years (3 years ago) after she slept with someone and told him and they decided to end the marriage.

He met my children about 8 months in and they get on really well and have done ever since. Obviously being older they both pretty much have their own lives so mums boyfriend has not been a massive issue to them.

My partners kids do not want to meet me at all. Which to me is fine. It's only been two years and they're only little and he was there the whole of their lives and they are probably still navigating their new way of life etc.

My partner has his own flat which he is never at as he is always at mine. His kids due to their ages and wanting to see friends maybe go to his house once a month. He invites them every weekend but they normally state they are with friends and doing things with them etc. They speak to their dad daily on the phone. The flat he has is hemorrhaging money as he's never there and even when the kids come over they don't want to sleep over as they want to get back to computers or whatever. Again fully understand. But he is now paying £1000 a month in London for a flat he uses to see the kids one to two Saturdays a month.

He wants to move forward with me and move. I am perfectly happy staying in my home and having him move in and there is enough room for his kids to come and visit if they ever wish to.

I however am now feeling super guilty I am going to take away the place they can see their dad without me being there as I will bend over backwards to accommodate them but I won't be leaving my home or making my kids go out on any days they wish to visit.

He of course has the option to take them out for the day but should they ever want to stay or maybe if their mum got ill or there was an emergency (I'm an over thinker lol) they would be forced to be around me which they don't yet want to do.

But I am also at the same time ready to progress my relationship to the next level with him.

I want his kids to be able to come round but I also don't want to force them to be around me.

Do I have him move in and progress as we are. He wants to have a frank decision with his kids that he's moving in with me and is planning to marry me, but then I don't know if that will be upsetting for them either.

This ^

He's the usual useless fecker we see on MN all the time.

Freeloading into someone's house and getting shot of the kids, saying it's my way or the high way.

His youngest would have been 9 when they lost their dad. No of course they don't want to come and spend weekends with you or see you. Why would they? Lives ripped up and torn apart by their parents.

Granted it wasn't his fault but he has a duty of care to their mental health to protect their wellbeing and if that costs £1k per month, so be it.

it's not forever. Put your fucking kids first people.

He should move in with you, and on the rare occasion (by the sound of it) that they actually want to see him AND spend the night, he can make it a hotel weekend with them.

He'll still save loads and be able to afford a decent hotel room or two if he's saving £1000 every month.

I totally understand your thinking. Much better not to force them to meet you if they are not ready.
Do they ever stay the night at DP's place or are we talking about daytime visits? If there are sleepovers, they might be important to children even if infrequent and I'd hesitate to let that stop even if in effect it is costing £1k a month.
If it's daytime only and DP and his ex are good terms, perhaps they could discuss this situation and agree that if for example there's a crisis where the children need him to look after them overnight, he does it in the family home. Also he needs to talk to the children about what he's planning and make sure they know how much he wants to continue seeing them and being available if they need him for any reason.

Really really think carefully about this man’s intentions. Are you absolutely certain that he loves you for you……. and isn’t just attracted to the fact you have a mortgage free house? Funny that he’s the one pushing for moving in and also marriage (Please don’t marry him without advice from a lawyer on protecting your house).

How about renting out your house and you both move into a new rental together - one with more bedrooms so that there is room for his children, when they hopefully come around to meeting you in time. Split the cost 50/50. What is his response if you suggest this option? Does he think it’s a great idea, or is he only interested in living in your free home?

Op

sorru you got such a kicking on here but the gut instinct is a no from me

the fact he wouldn’t have his own place is a big red flag and the kids are likely to withdraw completely from him if he goes with your move

the fact he knows this but wants to proceed says a lot

I doubt the extra money will go to them either

I’m quite surprised these kids never ever want to sleep over tbh

It would be a no from me. There's no need for him to move in now. He should keep his own rental flat for now and make sure he has a place for the children to stay.
I would also be very wary about him moving in and marrying you. People with their own mortgage free homes have to be very careful when the other person is not in a similar financial situation and it sounds like he isn't.
You can reassess the situation in a couple of years. Maybe with more time the children might want to meet and get to know you and also you'll have more time to see if he has honourable intentions or if he's one of these divorced dads who look for financially stable women to provide for their needs.

It's your house. You should be making that decision. I'd be wary.

It is him that's adamant to move in now and saying everyone will have to deal with it as it's been enough time passed :/

I don't think I would have much respect for a man who prioritised his comfort over that of his children. If they were post uni/school and earning independently, I might just agree with the 'you can't let children dictate your lives for ever'

Sounds to me as if he just wants his own live to be easy at his children's expense.

Not sure I'd want someone like that.

I can't see three teenagers wanting to cram into a hotel family room together with their father. Of course they'd rather be at home.

His children seem to come last in his planning. A free place to live appears to rank highly though.

Noticed you title as soon as I posted.

"Partner's kids refuse to meet me" but he wants to move in anyway and save £1k a month for his flat. Hmmmmm.

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This is the vibe I’m getting from your posts @Buttonsmum67 . Run for the hills.

But your 17 year old must have only been 15 or 16 when she met your boyfriend ? So the same age .
17 isn’t an adult , and 19 is only just an adult, so there isn’t a huge difference really, they are all teenagers apart from the youngest who will be a teenager this year.
But anyway, teenage years are tough, and I agree with you that waiting is better. It’s a lot for them all to navigate in a short time at a time when life is rapidly changing.

Nope, him moving in is not the right decision. The children do not want to be around you, so will obviously completely stop visiting or staying over if he moves in with you.

He'd be spending the £1k anyway and it's not a waste, it's to provide a safe space for his children that they feel comfortable in, I couldn't actually think of a better use of money tbh.

Why can't you wait until his children are all grown? It's really not that long away as they're all now teenagers.

I really wouldn't risk his relationship with his children at this time in their lives.

He should have some family therapy with the kids to talk about all of this. It could be his ex alienating the children. They come first but also refusing to even meet you seems quite unreasonable if you’re not the OW, in which case it would be understandable.

@Buttonsmum67 Has your partners divorce gone through? If that isn't all done and dusted with financial order all signed off, you are best off not letting him move in full time with you. If he moves in full time and you are open about it, you may become part of their divorce, and if it goes to court, the way the law stands, his ex can ask to see your wage slips, and your partner may well end up getting less financially from his divorce settlement, as his ex will likely argue his housing needs are covered. Plus do you want to become party to someone else's divorce?

So rather than a likely 45% split of marital assets, he may be looking at 35% or worse if he moves in with you officially. Also if he moves in with you, don't suppose the ex will be all ok about it just because she had the affair. Plenty of these women just see it as a way to improve their financial settlement from the divorce if their ex moves in with someone else. It can make divorce more painful and prolonged. I understand why you think why rent if the kids don't stay, but again this could affect financial settlement if it becomes part of the argument that the kids never stay so his housing needs are less. Also it's early days, the kids may soften and want to stay more in future.

It may be better to take shorter term pain here for longer term gain.

It also sounds like his kids are currently in denial, and that baby steps of them meeting you are needed, rather than the sledgehammer approach of him moving in with you. If he moves in, likely outcome is an even worse relationship with his kids and an even worse financial settlement, so it's unlikely to be better for anyone in the long run.

Also agree with everyone saying Do Not Marry Him

This is what I think.

I’m glad you aren’t forcing yourself into his DC’s lives. It is dp’s choice to have you in his life, but they are entitled to make their own choice. I’m constantly shocked how people expect Dc to just adapt and accept people unrelated to them.

Unfortunately if that’s their position, the cost of the flat is the cost to dp of having a home available to them. Children cost in many ways. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Do his children think that he and mum may get back together if she’s now free? Teenagers of that age are tricky anyway and can resent a new partner , maybe he can arrange a meal together with you now and then and start to build a relationship with you . If you intend to marry in the future it would be nice to have a friendly relationship with them , dad needs to put more effort in but I applaud your consideration for his childrens feelings .

It seems there are other options. Bf can move in with you and when it’s time to see the kids, use an aib or a hotel at a fun location.

The kids are probably hoping their family will get back together and you are getting in the way of that, in their minds.

Stepchild here. Please don’t do this. The children will feel pushed out. They may blame you, even though I hear you that this is coming more from their Dad. If this relationship really is long term then in a few years’ time things will look and feel very different and the timing may then be right for him to give up his flat. I agree with you, 12 in particular is still very young, and it’s a difficult age.
The only other alternative I can think of is that he books an Air BnB once a month to host them. But this means that he wouldn’t be able to have them spontaneously, and they wouldn’t be able to leave things at his house in between visits. I really think it’s best to wait.

I think this is very wise reasoning.

Go for it. They re teenagers, they will face more difficult situations in life than staying at their father's house overnight.
The same people advocating for the dad to put his life on hold until the kids are older; I bet you'll find them arguing the exact opposite on a different post.

Your relationship is something that they will either have to accept at some point, or they will be consciously making the choice not to see their father.

It's not their father' house. It's the OPs and her kids home.

No one is saying he puts his life on hold. You don't have to move in together to have a relationship.

I think the OP has a lot more to worry about with this guy than his relationship with his kids. He seems very keen on moving in and getting married. Nobody falls in love quicker than a divorced dad with no assets. I wonder why that is 🤔

he would be better off spending his 1k a month on treats for his children and booking into travelodge if they are due to visit. He knows that, but be careful you not used for free accommodation