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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Partner's kids refuse to meet me

271 replies

Buttonsmum67 · 25/10/2024 11:58

Good Morning

I have been with my partner for 2 years. I have two adult children 19 and 17. Partner has children 12 14 and 15.

This is long winded so please bear with.

He and his wife split after 19 years (3 years ago) after she slept with someone and told him and they decided to end the marriage.

He met my children about 8 months in and they get on really well and have done ever since. Obviously being older they both pretty much have their own lives so mums boyfriend has not been a massive issue to them.

My partners kids do not want to meet me at all. Which to me is fine. It's only been two years and they're only little and he was there the whole of their lives and they are probably still navigating their new way of life etc.

My partner has his own flat which he is never at as he is always at mine. His kids due to their ages and wanting to see friends maybe go to his house once a month. He invites them every weekend but they normally state they are with friends and doing things with them etc. They speak to their dad daily on the phone. The flat he has is hemorrhaging money as he's never there and even when the kids come over they don't want to sleep over as they want to get back to computers or whatever. Again fully understand. But he is now paying £1000 a month in London for a flat he uses to see the kids one to two Saturdays a month.

He wants to move forward with me and move. I am perfectly happy staying in my home and having him move in and there is enough room for his kids to come and visit if they ever wish to.

I however am now feeling super guilty I am going to take away the place they can see their dad without me being there as I will bend over backwards to accommodate them but I won't be leaving my home or making my kids go out on any days they wish to visit.

He of course has the option to take them out for the day but should they ever want to stay or maybe if their mum got ill or there was an emergency (I'm an over thinker lol) they would be forced to be around me which they don't yet want to do.

But I am also at the same time ready to progress my relationship to the next level with him.

I want his kids to be able to come round but I also don't want to force them to be around me.

Do I have him move in and progress as we are. He wants to have a frank decision with his kids that he's moving in with me and is planning to marry me, but then I don't know if that will be upsetting for them either.

OP posts:
Startinganew32 · 25/10/2024 14:43

Starting a relationship a year after a divorce (bearing in mind a divorce takes minimum 6 months to finalise and that the relationship was probably dead for a while before legal proceedings started) is not moving on too quickly or jumping straight into a relationship. Creating a tinder profile while your ex hasn’t even left the house might be hasty - this is not.

Most children with the support of their parents are able to move on from a divorce without strange behaviour like refusing to meet a new partner.

Sometimes children will fixate on something like not wanting to meet a person or taking an irrational dislike to someone they haven’t met. That doesn’t mean they are right or that their behaviour should be indulged. It doesn’t help them prepare for adulthood.

Some teens do behave terribly and allowing them to do so just because they are teenagers isn’t the right approach.

Adults who divorce are allowed to find happiness with someone else. It’s not neglectful to your children to want or do that.

“Just dating” without ever meeting the others family isn’t a normal relationship or something most people want. It would probably only appeal to someone who was a total commitment phobe and to whom the arrangement was convenient. Not to someone who was actually decent, yet it’s always proposed as an ideal solution for parents on here.

buttonsB4 · 25/10/2024 14:45

Any man whose kids are "his whole world" wouldn't see them just once a month. That's bullshit.

His youngest kids were in primary school when he left the family home, they didn't have their own social lives that prevented them seeing their dad, why wasn't dad doing school runs and helping them with homework and taking them to clubs and tutoring and swimming lessons etc? Why were the visits restricted to one day a month?

And now he's pushing to move into your mortgage-free home and marry you (instantly gaining 50% of that mortgage-free property) regardless of whether that means him seeing even less of his kids?

This man is not a good father, which is probably why his wife left him.

Mickey79 · 25/10/2024 14:48

They have said they aren’t ready to meet you, yet their dad is saying they will just have to ‘deal with’ him moving in with you. His focus should be on his relationship with his children and increasing contact/ overnights, not acting in a way that will reduce it further. I think you’re right to be concerned about this and should take the decision out of his hands, it’s not the right time to move in.

HulaHoopz · 25/10/2024 14:50

I think you've been more than fair OP.. this is a decision that makes financial sense and is also progressing to the next stage of your relationship together. As you say, he can always take them out if he wishes.
It's a hard dynamic but the kids presumably don't feel ready to accept you but that shouldn't thwart your future plan's.

hughiedoesntfight · 25/10/2024 14:52

Flextime · 25/10/2024 13:14

I don’t think advising the OP that these thread are generally against the OP if they are a step parent is irrelevant . Another poster has also highlight this. I’ve advised OP to speak to someone more balanced , because the boards are full of people who hate step mums !

Show quote history

No. The fact that it’s not happening on this thread makes it irrelevant.

and the posts wasn’t just advising the Op. it was also trying to have a dig.

Do they hate stepmums? Or are plenty also step mums. Those ‘first wives’ are also often second wives with step kids. The trolls and step mother haters? Are they? Or just disagreeing? If you think someone is a troll, report it. But you don’t actually know. You mean you don’t like what they are saying.

But as I said. Irrelevant to this thread.

hughiedoesntfight · 25/10/2024 14:53

HulaHoopz · 25/10/2024 14:50

I think you've been more than fair OP.. this is a decision that makes financial sense and is also progressing to the next stage of your relationship together. As you say, he can always take them out if he wishes.
It's a hard dynamic but the kids presumably don't feel ready to accept you but that shouldn't thwart your future plan's.

I don’t think it does make financial sense for the op.

Hencewy · 25/10/2024 14:54

@Startinganew32 you are clearly unaware of the statistics relating to loss of contact between children and their fathers post separation. Also the statistics that show the proportion of second marriages/ further relationships that fail….taking time to actually address relationship issues or behaviours before moving onto someone else is extremely important . Of course, there are many parents who actually work very hard to support their kids through the process, take time and put their kids needs first …but again, I would suspect a man who spends so little time with his kids has not been able to do this so far.

Likewhatever · 25/10/2024 14:57

If his DC feel it’s too soon to meet you, it’s too soon. They may be avoiding you out of misplaced loyalty to their DM, possibly they think they need her approval.

Relationship wise, two years is nothing in the scheme of things. I’d be hesitant about letting him move in so soon, and definitely not without at least trying to get his DC on board. Not doing so will guarantee they hold you responsible for any breakdown in their relationship.

If he intends spending the rent money he would save on his kids, he may as well keep the flat. A safe space where they have him to themselves will be worth more than anything else he could give them.

krustykittens · 25/10/2024 14:59

Mickey79 · 25/10/2024 14:48

They have said they aren’t ready to meet you, yet their dad is saying they will just have to ‘deal with’ him moving in with you. His focus should be on his relationship with his children and increasing contact/ overnights, not acting in a way that will reduce it further. I think you’re right to be concerned about this and should take the decision out of his hands, it’s not the right time to move in.

Exactly this. You sound lovely, OP, but I am afraid your partner is coming across as only thinking of himself. His children are clearly struggling and he needs to get to the bottom of this first or I can see it being a disaster for all of you.

MillyMollyMandHey · 25/10/2024 15:00

Honestly, take that as a win.

Just have a nice life not involving SDC, wish I could have

AGameOfPatience · 25/10/2024 15:01

sprigatito · 25/10/2024 12:19

He knows full well that the children do not feel ready and able to be around you. So if he moves in with you he will be telling them he doesn't care about his relationship with them and is happy to sacrifice it.

It doesn't matter whether you, or we, think the children are being unreasonable in refusing to meet you. The fact is that if he moves in with you, that's the end of overnight contact. He will lose them, because he will have made the choice to lose them.

Oof. I think this is the nub of it, actually. I wasn't quite sure what I thought but having read this, I think this is also where I come down.

You sound very nice and considerate, OP, and the most generous interpretation of his POV is that he's been wronged by his ex wife and is desperate to move on and be in a secure, happy partnership again. Perhaps he's frustrated by the brakes being put on by his children's difficulty in adjusting. But I think he does need to try to step back from that and view things dispassionately from his children's point of view too. It may not be "fair" on him, but it's not really his children's job to make it so, I think.

He must surely see that moving in and declaring an intention of marriage before they've even met you is too much too fast? He may be thinking that forcing the issue will result in everyone just falling into line and speeding up a happily ever after but I doubt that would be the most likely outcome, and I think you may suspect the same...

Startinganew32 · 25/10/2024 15:05

Hencewy · 25/10/2024 14:54

@Startinganew32 you are clearly unaware of the statistics relating to loss of contact between children and their fathers post separation. Also the statistics that show the proportion of second marriages/ further relationships that fail….taking time to actually address relationship issues or behaviours before moving onto someone else is extremely important . Of course, there are many parents who actually work very hard to support their kids through the process, take time and put their kids needs first …but again, I would suspect a man who spends so little time with his kids has not been able to do this so far.

Why does that mean that waiting for one year before starting a new relationship is moving too quick? Why can’t he improve on his relationship with the children if he has a girlfriend? Why does putting children first always have to mean being single?

thursdaymurderclub · 25/10/2024 15:06

how long does a parent have to be ruled by their children?

you've been together for 2 years now and are looking at the future. I think its time that your partner put his foot down with his children (and his ex) and told them that things are changing and that he would like them to have a relationship with you and that this will mean that they will have to start getting to know you because moving forward, he plans for you to be a big part of his life.

it sounds like his children are old enough to understand the situation, and its down to him and you to make sure that his children are as welcome in your home as they are in his and their mums.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/10/2024 15:10

MindatWork · 25/10/2024 13:55

If your DP split with his wife 3 years ago, the youngest DC would have been 9. I was only a year younger when my parents split (my mum left my dad for another man and I was still coping with the fallout well into my teens.

Despite being the one who was cheated on, my Dad always put me and my sister first, making sure he had a home for us only 5 mins down the road from our mum and taking us to school every morning to ensure he saw us every day. When he met our stepmum he made it very clear that we were his main priority.

We are still incredibly close today and as an adult looking back I really appreciate all the effort he put in.

You sounds lovely op, and the fact that you seem more concerned about his kids’ wellbeing than he does would be ringing warning bells for me.

Has he given you any more detail as to why they won’t meet you?

I get accused of being a scary man-hating feminazi on here a fair amount. And it's men like this one who are to blame. Grin There are wonderful, selfless, great fathers in the world and I have no time for the feckless arseholes as a result.

I'm really glad your dad showed up. Good for him.

Garlicnaan · 25/10/2024 15:17

Molly0 · 25/10/2024 12:48

Does his tenancy agreement allow him to have a monday to fridaylodger in the flat? to help with bills, if kids are never there Mon-Fri. Be wary of him moving in if he has nowhere else to go. Also keeps flat available for his kids at weekends.

Yes I was going to suggest this.

BestZebbie · 25/10/2024 15:18

For £1000 a month he can rent a family room in a nice hotel to stay with him on Saturday night twice a month! Maybe one with a pool and room service...or try a variety of places, if that suits the older teen's Instagram better.

LBFseBrom · 25/10/2024 15:22

I think he needs to have a serious talk with his children about you before making any decisions. He can suggest that, after so much time has elapsed since he and their mum separated, it would be nice if they met you. Maybe not all at once, one at a time perhaps.

I get that is expensive for him to maintain his flat but if he earns a decent salary, it may be worth it.

Time passes and his children will soon be as old as yours are now, and less invested in their dad's life.

Also, let him stay with you more, not just staying over, weekends etc, but as if he is living with you so you both know what it's like.

I wish you well.

Theonlywayisuptoyou · 25/10/2024 15:27

I wonder why you are more on his kids side than your own kids? He’s already moved into their home, just not made it official yet. I see how this benefits him tremendously but the rest of you not so much. It’s clear what’s in it for him, doesn’t it make you think twice when he’s pushing for it against your own concerns? Would he be so keen if you didn’t own your own home or your own children were younger - I wonder - your set up sounds very convenient. Surely as an adult never mind a parent, he would be expecting to have to pay rent to have somewhere to live. His priority should be working to improve his relationship with his children while he is in his current accommodation, and then considering moving rather than moving and hoping for the best. I’m seeing it as a set of scales with £1k month saving on one side v having a decent relationship with his children on the other side. The side with the 1k seems to be the winning side for him ( it wouldn’t be for most people)

Booteek · 25/10/2024 15:29

No that’s not fair on the kids. he should prioritise his kids

Sageteatowels · 25/10/2024 15:30

Red flags here. Don't move in with this man for the foreseeable and definitely don't have a baby with him (if you were even considering it)

SomeFinElse · 25/10/2024 15:30

I’d not be surprised if his kids only want to stay so seldomly because they sense an ambivalence from their dad. He hardly seems to be busting a gut to be an active part of their lives / daily upbringing. Children / teens are very astute, and can sniff out flakiness a mile off. They then vote with their feet, and see ‘home’ as where their consistent parent is (mum).

It follows on from this that when they see Dad conversely channelling a huge amount of time and emotional energy towards his new relationship (ie he stays with you 28 nights out of 30), they may well feel emotions like resentment or jealousy towards the relationship. It must be galling to see him so enamoured of your company but so relatively indifferent / laissez-fair about proactively seeking their company.

I can well imagine I’d feel the same as them. It’s not about them not wanting you, per say… it’s that they feel their father should tend to their relationship properly before he runs after another one (with teens only slightly older than them, who he ‘gets on brilliantly with’).

Poor kids - really bloody feel for them with this selfish twerp for a father.

SnoopysHoose · 25/10/2024 15:33

@Whoowhoo
They don't stay that's the point!
They basically drop by for a few hours a month other than that the flat is lying empty.

premierleague · 25/10/2024 15:36

Is this relationship worth the hassle?

SomeFinElse · 25/10/2024 15:37

Also - feel for the Ex-W who had to be married to this cock-lodging selfish excuse for a ‘father’. And now she has the kids by herself 28 nights out of 30, because Dad ‘spends all his time’ with a new girlfriend and her own teens, who he ‘gets on brilliantly with’.

If my ex-H pulled that shit I’d fucking tear him a new arsehole. But then, my ex-H wouldn’t, because he’s a really decent bloke and a commited father who despite having got re-married puts our DC’s 100% first and has them 50% of the time / ferries to clubs / buys party presents / takes to school / revises with them / takes them to visit grandparents etc…. The stuff a proper father does without even thinking.

OP- this guy is honestly a worm. Please don’t let him cock-lodge and play happy families with ‘new’ teens when he’s such a feckless moron with his own? 🙏🏻

TheyAllFloatDownHere · 25/10/2024 15:38

It's for him to solve, I think but there are other options:

  1. Rent the flat out to commuters during the week to recoup some of the £1k lost. I used to know quite a few people who rented London flats weekdays only.
  2. Sell the flat and use the saved money to rent an airbnb for the weekends he sees them - in time he may find somewhere he can rent regularly so it's always the same place.