Am I the evil stepmother?

[Sleepystrugglingmama]

Bit of background, I (29f) met my partner (35m) at the beginning of last year. He has two children from previous relationships. We were just looking for a more casual relationship as he was recently divorced and I’m a widow.
Cut to less than a year later and our son was born. And I am currently pregnant with our second child.

Ive always had a good relationship with my stepchildren, and with his son who is almost a teenager that relationship hasn’t changed. He’s very sweet with our son however my stepdaughter who is now 3 has decided to be mean and quite nasty both towards myself and my son.I understand she’s jealous and now has to share her daddy with a new baby and that the adjustment is hard for her but her behaviour is becoming more of a problem and is affecting my relationship with my partner.

When I collect her from school she cried and hits and kicks me. She is constantly telling me that she loves her mum and dad and her older brother but not me and not the baby. Last week she put her hands over the baby’s mouth when he was cooing to shut him up.
She has kicked my son, takes his toys away and hides them. And whenever my partner is holding or playing with the baby she doesn’t like it and kicks off until my partner leaves the baby.

She has stopped doing as she is told, stopped her toilet training and has gone back to using a nappy, suddenly won’t sit and eat her tea.
She has been good as gold before the baby came but now she’s even taking it out on the cats and rabbits by spraying them with the hosepipe.

My partner just keeps justifying her behaviour saying she’s 3, which I totally understand however he is reluctant to tell her off or let her know that this behaviour is unacceptable, and tells me I’m too harsh when I tell her off.

It’s causing a lot of issues between me and my partner on top of having a new baby with another on the way.

Is it me? Am I just being mean towards her?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

She is 3
You have a child with her father and another on on the way
No wonder she is acting up

Unfortunately you are in a relationship with a man who is a poor parent.
On the upside, if you split up, you are forearmed as to how he will manage your shared children.

You met in 2023, already have 2 children (or about to) with a 3 year old step sister, smaller age gap than many fully relate children have, and you're worried why you're all struggling?

I can understand that her behaviour is making you feel angry. Two things to bear in mind here though - first, you're a new mum, and new mums have an almost irrational drive to protect their babies. I remember feeling very angry with another 18 month old who bit my child. I see now obviously that the old child was just that, a child, but at the time the feelings are overwhelming.

The second thing is that she is 3. As they say, all behaviour is communication. She can't communicate how she feels by having a calm discussion, so this is what's happening. She's had to live through her parents splitting up, dad meeting someone new, and now a new baby, all while she is still essentially a baby too. Also, all things with children are phases - just try to get through it as kindly as you can. And finally, remember, her dad will have very protective feelings towards her that he also can't control (and shouldn't try to).

I will never understand how fully grown adults get into these situations

She's a baby struggling with a series of massive changes, no wonder she's confused. Why on earth did your 'casual' relationship lead to having two children far too quickly for the wellbeing of the children he already has?

Poor little girl, she’s just a baby.

She sounds properly troubled. You're not wicked but I think you'll regret reading this as a discipline issue and using words like mean and nasty. It seems bigger than that. Can you get advice from nursery/play school/health visitor/home start? Also don't have the child when Dad is isn't there.

I will never understand how fully grown adults get into these situations

I know - what a shit show.

Family therapy, maybe?

Seriously. Met him 18 months ago when he was recently divorced with an (approx) 18 months old child and has managed to have a baby and get pregnant again in that time. And it's the toddler's behaviour that's an issue?

This.

You have really rushed this.

The poor kid probably has whiplash from the speed at which her life has been utterly turned upside down.

So in the short 3 years of her life, her parents have split, she got a new stepparent, a new sibling with another on the way and you're wondering why she's acting out? On top of all that she is just 3. She's a baby trying to figure out who is who and where her place is in amongst all of this.

For people who planned on keeping it casual it sure escalated quickly didn't it?

Way too much too soon, thats appalling decision making on you and her dad.

Her dad needs to parent her, she needs to see her parents are still her parents, she's too little for words to make much difference, he needs to pick her up from school, care for all her needs at home etc.

I really hope the adults in her life step up and don't make her the family scapegoat for the next 15 years.

This really. Yes, you are being too harsh on a three year old whose life has been turned upside down. You are the adult. Ps your partner sounds a bit crap and should be working harder with his daughter to sort this..

She hasn’t “decided” to act in any particular way. She’s 3 and a very long way from having the emotional maturity you’re expecting from her.

She is having a lot of feelings that she can’t express and needs some reassurance from her dad (and you).

This isn’t really a step parenting issue as such because lots of older siblings react badly to younger siblings coming along even in a nuclear family.

This. Far, far too fast, not in your boyfriends kids best interests. Four kids with 3 different women and getting you pregnant very quickly was always going to result in not making his existing kids feel happy and secure.
He needs to do better by all his kids and sort the consequences of his choices. You should not be parenting his other 2 kids at all.
Step back and let him form secure attachment with his very young child whose life has been completely upended.

She is 3.

It is entirely possible that your older child will act like this when the new baby is born, even though they will have been through less upset than the 3 year old.

I get that your every instinct is to protect your baby. But yes, you are being the evil stepmother here. It is adults who have created this situation, not her. She needs a secure relationship with her father.

When your baby is 3 you’ll realise how little they still are. She probably looks massive compared to the baby but she’s tiny, she’s had her whole life blow up and she’s hurting, confused and desperate for safety and security.

Her dad should be picking her up from nursery, her dad should be giving her lots of quality time, doing all bedtimes, loads of cuddles and reassurance.

She's behaving exactly as 3 year old in her situation would be expected to act.

But your DH did needs to step up and manage her behaviour. He needs to be the main person in her life at your house, give her lots of attention and love, but make it clear that she cannot hit people.

I am always dubious of these women who meet a man and are “accidentally” pregnant within weeks.

Amazing that it only seems to be people who are only weeks/months into relationships have contraception failures, while couples who have been married for years seem to manage to not have multiple pregnancies they didn’t plan.

And these men who have multiple children by multiple different women - don’t kid yourself that you’re the one. You almost certainly aren’t.

His daughter has already been brought into a relationship where she will have had a step sibling, then her parents have got divorced, and her father has knocked up another woman within months (did you even meet her before you got pregnant or was the baby presented as part of the deal).

This whole situation is a complete car crash, and the little girl is the victim here, not you or your prince among men of a boyfriend (am reticent to say partner since he’ll probably be gone soon.)

PP are a bit out of touch I think. Yes she's had a lot change and it will be difficult for her and something you need to help her through BUT you cannot just ignore unsafe or unkind behaviour to a baby or to animals. How long do you ignore this for? Til she really hurts one of them? Til she's 4,5,6?

She needs some consistency. She needs people to acknowledge her feelings but she does need to be corrected if she's being unkind. If your husband isn't doing that I can see why you would but it does need to be him taking the lead on it really.

You've only been together just over a year. The 3 year olds whole world has changed it that time. They've been through a divorce, seeing a parent less, having different households, being introduced to a new partner, having a new sibling These are huge changes for an adult to process let alone a toddler.

I think you both need to slow down and instead of prioritising your own needs/ wants you need to consider the needs of the kids you already have.

What is her dad doing to support her during this time? They shouldn't be having regular daddy daughter time alone. He needs to spend quality time with her. He needs to let her be the baby.

What discipline are you currently using? I'd be very careful of how you discipline this child. Remember, if your relationship doesn't work he will be letting the next woman treat your kid just how you're treating his.

Sticker charts work well for kids this age. The good behaviour book hands are not for hitting (Amazon) works well. In this situation I would tell her no, we gave kind hand.

It might be worth talking to the HV. When I had an issue with my oldest. There's 15 months between my 2. The health visitor sent out a nursery nurse to observe and give me advice on how to manage her.

And you said the relationship was 'casual'!!

What’s done is now done but the behaviour whilst obvious what the trigger is, is not acceptable. Your partner should be correcting this behaviour. You say he says you’re too harsh.. how do you deal with it?

I had my friends kids for a weekend, at the time the boy was 3, the girl was 9. Boy smacks girl with wooden building block, girl cries, boy laughs. I explain you’ve just hurt her, please say sorry and give her a cuddle. No. Say sorry it’s unkind, no. Ok got up took his hand put him upstairs for 2 mins, went in, are you going to say sorry? No, repeat until the answer was yes. By the end of the weekend, when I say “right” everyone who knows me knows oh she’s had enough, he was dicking about and I went RIGHT, 3 year old got himself up, left the room and went upstairs for 2 minutes 😂 came down, sorry reeree. Kids learn.

you need to find age appropriate solutions to this behaviour and show assurance love care and kindness more so from dad