Am I the evil stepmother?

[Sleepystrugglingmama]

Bit of background, I (29f) met my partner (35m) at the beginning of last year. He has two children from previous relationships. We were just looking for a more casual relationship as he was recently divorced and I’m a widow.
Cut to less than a year later and our son was born. And I am currently pregnant with our second child.

Ive always had a good relationship with my stepchildren, and with his son who is almost a teenager that relationship hasn’t changed. He’s very sweet with our son however my stepdaughter who is now 3 has decided to be mean and quite nasty both towards myself and my son.I understand she’s jealous and now has to share her daddy with a new baby and that the adjustment is hard for her but her behaviour is becoming more of a problem and is affecting my relationship with my partner.

When I collect her from school she cried and hits and kicks me. She is constantly telling me that she loves her mum and dad and her older brother but not me and not the baby. Last week she put her hands over the baby’s mouth when he was cooing to shut him up.
She has kicked my son, takes his toys away and hides them. And whenever my partner is holding or playing with the baby she doesn’t like it and kicks off until my partner leaves the baby.

She has stopped doing as she is told, stopped her toilet training and has gone back to using a nappy, suddenly won’t sit and eat her tea.
She has been good as gold before the baby came but now she’s even taking it out on the cats and rabbits by spraying them with the hosepipe.

My partner just keeps justifying her behaviour saying she’s 3, which I totally understand however he is reluctant to tell her off or let her know that this behaviour is unacceptable, and tells me I’m too harsh when I tell her off.

It’s causing a lot of issues between me and my partner on top of having a new baby with another on the way.

Is it me? Am I just being mean towards her?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Yes, Jesus Christ what a situation. Whenever I read these threads where everything was rosy until the stepmothers involved have their own children and suddenly can’t stand the old kids it is just heartbreaking yet always the same pattern. I don’t understand why there is no level
of empathy towards the child that is now being pushed out and having to undergo traumatic change they didn’t want or ask for - you would think that thinking about their child being involved in a situation like that might occur to them. And yes I also blame the shitty father who has fathered multiple kids by several diff women. It’s always the same and so so sad for the children involved.

Oh, OP...

Is this your first time ever on MN? You have made some extremely stupid decisions in the last 18 months and this is the result. No sympathy, enjoy the mess!

Nope.

If the parents had coparented sensibly, centering the needs of their little girl, there would be no problem.

However, at no point did the father, combined with the op, centre her needs at all. THAT is the problem.

Nobody said the break up of the earlier relationships is OP's fault.

The behavior of the OP and the sperm scatterer she's allowed to impregnate her since they met each other is appalling. They are both completely irresponsible.

Nope.

This 😂😂

I don’t very often think “wow you rushed that”, but actually - you have.

If a casual relationship for you involves ending up with 2 children plus step children, what would a serious one entail?

It's really hard on you. Your step DD is going through some major life upheaval at the age of 3 and needs lots and lots of love and support from her mum and dad to settle into the new situation. I think you can only keep offering love and support too. It is so challenging as children at that age are hard work and naturally you feel protective of your own children. I think be firm and kind with her and set some clear boundaries. When my DS was about that age and really pushing my buttons I read a very helpful book which was literally called "When your kids push your buttons and what you can do about it". Good luck. You are not the evil stepmother at all!

I am always on the side of stepmums because I think they have a hard road. In your case I think you have been very careless and deeply cruel In having 2 DC so soon..And you say its a casual relationship!
That little girl is traumatised.

If this is real, the OP should be focussing on being kind and loving towards the 3 year old. And should not be telling her off. The focus should be on making sure the little girl knows how much she is still wanted, both by her dad, the OP and her new siblings.

Do any of them bother to tell her that her baby brother has been looking forward to seeing her when she comes out of nursery? Buying a present for her from him?

Why on earth does a single person choose to get involved with someone who already has kids when you can only be bothered with kids that are biologically yours.

Good post.

@IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle - “sperm scatterer”

Well played

Your partner needs to spend a lot more time with her, to try to make her feel secure.

After he's booked himself in for a vasectomy ✂ 🍆

“my stepdaughter who is now 3 has decided to be mean and quite nasty both towards myself and my son”

she hasn’t decided a thing, she is 3, her brain isn’t developed enough. She has experienced a lot of change in a short space of time and her brain is in developmental/life chaos. Give her grace, boundaries and consistency (which has obviously been seriously lacking) and help her to weather this storm.

You need to react with kindness. When she is reacting, speak softly, have kindness and acceptance in your expressions, reach to her and pull her toward you.
She is looking for you to treat her like you do the others.
100% change your behavior and words. You are the adult, you can do this.

This little girls parents split wasn't in the ops fault or in her control but ensuring the little girl in question has had time to adjust to not only her parents split but also to her dad having a new partner before more kids were brought into the mix was in the ops control.

That’s far too much upheaval for a 3 year old to cope with. No wonder the poor little thing is distressed and acting up.

I know the world is a lot changed recently but if causal these days means 2 kids in a year then it's a lot more gone than I originally thought.

I dont want to bring it up but have you actually healed from the loss of your dh?

The way you describe this three year old girl is quite disgusting.

Why are you picking her up from school?

The whole thing looks like a gigantic mess you and your “casual date” have created.

She’s not giving you a hard time, she’s having a hard time. Poor mite is having big feelings and this is the only way she can communicate them.

This isn't about YOU OP - she's three

You've met, had a baby, have another coming soon and you wonder why she's acting like she is? Poor kid, her head must be spinning with how fast this is all moving

As adults, you need to get your shit together. And stop blaming her, the child, who's had zero choice in this shitshow of a life you've created between you

I really hope this pound shop Lothario is properly supporting all of his children, and not expecting the rest of us to pick up the tab. OP, what on earth were you thinking of to inflict such a father on your children, who will abandon them the moment something more interesting comes along?

I had a feeling you were going to get your arse handed to you on a plate.

Please have empathy with the poor dear 3 year old. Show her she is loved, and she is important. And tbh, the teen also.

Yes. You are.