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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Am I the evil stepmother?

377 replies

Sleepystrugglingmama · 08/09/2024 10:12

Bit of background, I (29f) met my partner (35m) at the beginning of last year. He has two children from previous relationships. We were just looking for a more casual relationship as he was recently divorced and I’m a widow.
Cut to less than a year later and our son was born. And I am currently pregnant with our second child.

Ive always had a good relationship with my stepchildren, and with his son who is almost a teenager that relationship hasn’t changed. He’s very sweet with our son however my stepdaughter who is now 3 has decided to be mean and quite nasty both towards myself and my son.I understand she’s jealous and now has to share her daddy with a new baby and that the adjustment is hard for her but her behaviour is becoming more of a problem and is affecting my relationship with my partner.

When I collect her from school she cried and hits and kicks me. She is constantly telling me that she loves her mum and dad and her older brother but not me and not the baby. Last week she put her hands over the baby’s mouth when he was cooing to shut him up.
She has kicked my son, takes his toys away and hides them. And whenever my partner is holding or playing with the baby she doesn’t like it and kicks off until my partner leaves the baby.

She has stopped doing as she is told, stopped her toilet training and has gone back to using a nappy, suddenly won’t sit and eat her tea.
She has been good as gold before the baby came but now she’s even taking it out on the cats and rabbits by spraying them with the hosepipe.

My partner just keeps justifying her behaviour saying she’s 3, which I totally understand however he is reluctant to tell her off or let her know that this behaviour is unacceptable, and tells me I’m too harsh when I tell her off.

It’s causing a lot of issues between me and my partner on top of having a new baby with another on the way.

Is it me? Am I just being mean towards her?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Lotsofsnacks · 08/09/2024 11:24

I don’t even know where to start with this one… you wanted casual and 18 months later you have a son and another on the way. Your SDD is probably so confused bless her, as her family suddenly split up, daddy got a new partner straight away, and then out of nowhere a baby brother, then months later finds out another baby is coming, hmm. Your partner is not managing this situation well is he?! How often do you have SDD, does she live with her mum most of the time? Has her mum got a new partner? So many questions…!

Moveoverdarlin · 08/09/2024 11:25

She’s 3!! She’s soon to have two YOUNGER half siblings, blimey Dad doesn’t hang about does he? Three kids under three by different mothers. Good grief no wonder she’s struggling to adjust. It’s hard to keep up.

violetcuriosity · 08/09/2024 11:26

It actually sounds like she's behaving as a child that has experienced trauma would. I felt really, really sad for her reading this. She needs structured and consistent time alone with her Daddy. She has had her whole life as she knows it turned upside down and I seriously recommend you both do some research into attachment theory. Poor little girl.

theduchessofspork · 08/09/2024 11:26

Fannyfiggs · 08/09/2024 10:59

My goodness, the amount of judgement on this thread is unbelievable. I suggest you take a good hard look at yourselves before judging others.

OP, your stepdaughter needs to learn that her behaviour is unacceptable. She could seriously harm your baby or pets. Your husband should take control of her behaviour but if he doesn't then you need to step in and educate her.

No there isn't too much judgement.

The OP, and even more her partner, have been deeply deeply irresponsible - this is a terrible way to treat existing children and to start a family.

The OP does need to understand she doesn't have a difficult step daughter - her stepdaughter is in a difficult situation for a 3 year old. If the OP doesn't understand this, she cannot move forward, and unless she and her partner sort this out, there will be another 2 kids with split up parents and a complex sibling set up. This kind of chaos is really bad for kids.

More or less everyone on here has acknowledged the OP is where she is, and that the 3 year old needs clear boundaries of behaviour, along with quality time with her dad. What the OP does not need to do is 'step in to educate her' - her partner needs to do this, and it needs to be done carefully, with professional support if necessary.

Nn9011 · 08/09/2024 11:27

redgum · 08/09/2024 10:19

You met in 2023, already have 2 children (or about to) with a 3 year old step sister, smaller age gap than many fully relate children have, and you're worried why you're all struggling?

💯 this was my first thought

Moveoverdarlin · 08/09/2024 11:29

Fannyfiggs · 08/09/2024 10:59

My goodness, the amount of judgement on this thread is unbelievable. I suggest you take a good hard look at yourselves before judging others.

OP, your stepdaughter needs to learn that her behaviour is unacceptable. She could seriously harm your baby or pets. Your husband should take control of her behaviour but if he doesn't then you need to step in and educate her.

It’s not her husband. It’s her current boyfriend of about 18 months.

And he doesn’t need to take control of his daughter’s behaviour, he needs to take control of trouser snake.

hattie43 · 08/09/2024 11:31

anothermomday · 08/09/2024 10:21

I will never understand how fully grown adults get into these situations

Me neither .

arethereanyleftatall · 08/09/2024 11:32

Zero sympathy from me. Less than zero.

The two adults here have CAUSED all of this. Beyond selfish.

How much thought did the two of you put in to how your behaviour would affect another tiny human beings life?

I'm sure it is absolutely miserable. Tough.

The only person I feel sorry for is that poor little girl.

PrincessPeache · 08/09/2024 11:35

What the fuck did you think would happen when you chose to have a baby with someone who already had a BABY with someone else, and then chose to have another baby again?

That poor little girl.

catin8oots · 08/09/2024 11:37

They never come back do they these OPs. What a fucking mess. Poor kids. All of them.

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 08/09/2024 11:52

Your partner is in dire need of a vasectomy.

Psychologymam · 08/09/2024 11:56

Yes you are being mean. The problem is it’s hard when a new baby comes along for everyone - especially the toddler. However, if they are your child you make a massive effort to support them to adjust and to make sure they know they are loved unconditionally and wanted and important. As a step parent that unconditional love is missing (from posts on here it’s more like resentment that step kids are taking up time and resources) and she can sense that and is acting out. Your instinct to protect your child is so normal and understandable but you chose to get pregnant with someone who has very small children so now you need to find a way to be a decent person in her life.

Calliopespa · 08/09/2024 11:58

MintTwirl · 08/09/2024 10:23

Poor little girl, she’s just a baby.

Yes. Whatever she is up to cannot be her “fault” at that age; she’s a direct reflection of the circumstances and input she is getting. Those things are clearly not optimal.

WorriedMama12 · 08/09/2024 12:01

That poor little girl. She's a baby.

The pair of you have acted disgracefully. That toddler should not have to be going through all of this, dad leaving when she was just a baby, then going on to shack up with some rebound relationship/shag and then having even more babies, when his number one focus should have been his existing baby. He is the main one at fault here but you aren't far behind OP. What on earth were you thinking?

I pray that the child at least has some stability with her mother.

GingerPirate · 08/09/2024 12:05

Evil stepmother?
I don't even read it.
YABU for putting up with a "stepmother" situation
at a first place.

Calliopespa · 08/09/2024 12:06

Psychologymam · 08/09/2024 11:56

Yes you are being mean. The problem is it’s hard when a new baby comes along for everyone - especially the toddler. However, if they are your child you make a massive effort to support them to adjust and to make sure they know they are loved unconditionally and wanted and important. As a step parent that unconditional love is missing (from posts on here it’s more like resentment that step kids are taking up time and resources) and she can sense that and is acting out. Your instinct to protect your child is so normal and understandable but you chose to get pregnant with someone who has very small children so now you need to find a way to be a decent person in her life.

Completely agree with this. And your resentment of this tiny little girl comes across strongly OP.

Lemonmelon1 · 08/09/2024 12:08

No I wouldn't say you're an evil stepmother. You have recently had a baby along with being pregnant again. Your hormones will be all over the place.
Becoming a stepmom is incredibly hard. Harder than I ever anticipated. Adding into that your sd not treating your new baby very well of course you're going to be upset.
Sd must be very confused and hurt as so much has changed in her little world in a very short space of time. I agree with others that she needs a lot of reassurance and love from her dad. But she does also need to be taught that it is not right to be mean to others and to animals.
From one stressed stepmom to another I'm sending you a hug.

IWasHittingMyMarks · 08/09/2024 12:13

Bit of background, I (29f) met my partner (35m) at the beginning of last year. He has two children from previous relationships. We were just looking for a more casual relationship as he was recently divorced and I’m a widow.
Cut to less than a year later and our son was born. And I am currently pregnant with our second child.

Don't think much of your partner, OP.
He's got 2 children from previous relationships, and you started dating him as he was divorcing his wife and roughly 18 month old.

Your 'casual' relationship resulted in an almost immediate pregnancy, baby in less than a year in, and you're already pregnant with another one.

And you're wondering why his now 3 year old is acting out? And hysterical. And regressing (for attention) to compete with the new baby, soon to be babies.

Really?!

Sounds like it was all about what the adults wanted here with no thoughts to the existing little one.

So yes, I would say you are thoughtless and possibly evil if you're actually blaming the child her behaviour and not taking a long look in the mirror and at your partner over how you've both gone about this.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/09/2024 12:13

Fannyfiggs · 08/09/2024 10:59

My goodness, the amount of judgement on this thread is unbelievable. I suggest you take a good hard look at yourselves before judging others.

OP, your stepdaughter needs to learn that her behaviour is unacceptable. She could seriously harm your baby or pets. Your husband should take control of her behaviour but if he doesn't then you need to step in and educate her.

On the contrary. There clearly isn't enough judgment as this keeps happening over and over again.
Zero thought for the impact on current children as selfish, immature new couples rush to cement their 'love' with new babies and proper families and let's just pretend the current ones don't exist.

We have somewhat of a mental health crisis at the moment, how much of it is a result of being pushed aside.

Livinghappy · 08/09/2024 12:17

When I collect her from school she cried and hits and kicks me

Why are you collecting her from school? This is all wrong and the child is acting up because she doesn't feel safe or secure and her anger is the only way she knows to express her inner feelings.

The poor child is being labeled as problematic when it's the adults who have disregarded her emotional needs.

I don't think you are the issue, you are a new mum and pregnant so understand why it's difficult for you. Your partner is the issue for not taking enough care over his children and making you responsible for her care. He should never have jumped into a new relationship so quickly.

Does he have children with 3 women or two?

SonicTheHodgeheg · 08/09/2024 12:22

You are being unfair but I’m not going to call you a wicked stepmother because it’s possible that you are an only child so sibling rivalry wasn’t on your radar.

This little girl is only 3 and been through a gobsmacking amount of change in such a short time. She’s bound to be insecure and act out when her life has been changing so rapidly. The problem is not 100% on you because it takes 2 to have a baby but many adults would struggle with a massive whirlwind like this and it’s not going to end until you have baby 2 and try to make her life more settled and calm. Being 3 is difficult enough without massive changes coming thick and fast. If you’re interested, it’s called being a threenager wnd being 2 is often called the Terrible Twos. Kids often regress for a few months when a younger sibling is born then have to contend with feelings sibling jealousy. It’s difficult for them to express themselves because they are only 3 and it’s all very complex to describe even with adult vocabulary.

What she’s doing isn’t ok but she needs patience while she works things out emotionally. She’s had a lot of changes thrust on her (and more to come ) and things can’t get better until you and her dad decide to keep things calm and stable for everyone.

Psychologymam · 08/09/2024 12:24

arethereanyleftatall · 08/09/2024 12:13

On the contrary. There clearly isn't enough judgment as this keeps happening over and over again.
Zero thought for the impact on current children as selfish, immature new couples rush to cement their 'love' with new babies and proper families and let's just pretend the current ones don't exist.

We have somewhat of a mental health crisis at the moment, how much of it is a result of being pushed aside.

Show quote history

Exactly - I find it hilarious that it’s the three year old who needs to learn there are consequences to actions - there’s a grown man who apparently can’t figure out that unprotected sex leads to unplanned pregnancies.

MsCactus · 08/09/2024 12:24

Icanttakethisanymore · 08/09/2024 10:27

The poor kid probably has whiplash from the speed at which her life has been utterly turned upside down.

This

Livinghappy · 08/09/2024 12:25

Your husband should take control of her behaviour but if he doesn't then you need to step in and educate her

Absolutely NOT. No way should Op take on the discipline to a child, that she has no relationship with, especially as it's obvious the child is going through anxiety/separation/anger.

The Op isn't qualified to soothe or fix this dysfunctional setup. The daughter will need help from those who have a strong bond or professional help.

Op, step away..let the mum take over as much parenting as possible so that there is stability in the little girl's life. Let your partner have one to one time with focus on bonding and suggest he asks the health visitor for advice. Don't label this little girl...can you imagine if your child was handed over to a stranger to be looked after??