Am I the evil stepmother?

[Sleepystrugglingmama]

Bit of background, I (29f) met my partner (35m) at the beginning of last year. He has two children from previous relationships. We were just looking for a more casual relationship as he was recently divorced and I’m a widow.
Cut to less than a year later and our son was born. And I am currently pregnant with our second child.

Ive always had a good relationship with my stepchildren, and with his son who is almost a teenager that relationship hasn’t changed. He’s very sweet with our son however my stepdaughter who is now 3 has decided to be mean and quite nasty both towards myself and my son.I understand she’s jealous and now has to share her daddy with a new baby and that the adjustment is hard for her but her behaviour is becoming more of a problem and is affecting my relationship with my partner.

When I collect her from school she cried and hits and kicks me. She is constantly telling me that she loves her mum and dad and her older brother but not me and not the baby. Last week she put her hands over the baby’s mouth when he was cooing to shut him up.
She has kicked my son, takes his toys away and hides them. And whenever my partner is holding or playing with the baby she doesn’t like it and kicks off until my partner leaves the baby.

She has stopped doing as she is told, stopped her toilet training and has gone back to using a nappy, suddenly won’t sit and eat her tea.
She has been good as gold before the baby came but now she’s even taking it out on the cats and rabbits by spraying them with the hosepipe.

My partner just keeps justifying her behaviour saying she’s 3, which I totally understand however he is reluctant to tell her off or let her know that this behaviour is unacceptable, and tells me I’m too harsh when I tell her off.

It’s causing a lot of issues between me and my partner on top of having a new baby with another on the way.

Is it me? Am I just being mean towards her?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

No not evil at all.

But not the greatest situation :/

Even in the most stable of situations a new sibling can be hard on some young kids. So with 2 babies, a new lady in the picture, it would be a red flag if she didn't react at all Tbh.

I'm an adult and I would be flipping out with all the change and stress.

Like PP suggested I would outsource help, family therapy, ask health visitor for any resources. It's a delicate situation and how it's handled going forward will decide the childhood and development of your stepdaughter. At this point hazarding guesses on handling it and trialling different things could have rather negative outcomes. I know I wouldn't feel confident to manage such a complex situation.

I know you will feel all over the place with just having a baby and being pregnant but just try and hold onto patience. Step back if you need a breather and don't react impulsively. Try and hold compassion alongside correcting the negative behaviour as it's perfectly understandable how she is responding, and she will need help to express herself positively, she is too young to connect all the dots on her feelings and reactions.

But it does need intervention else she will be going forward having her negative expressions ingrained as a default way to react to uncomfortable feelings. How to do that sensitively though I think needs outside assistance on guiding you all.

Poor little girl - so much change so quickly, and none of it her choice

Nobody has put the existing child’s well-being first.
She is only 3. What she has had to contend with in her very short life so far has been tumultuous -her emotional stability is suffering. It isn’t just that she is jealous.
This behaviour from her should be a signal to her two parents that all is not well. Nobody is reading her signals….she is being ignored and expected by magic to suddenly accept her new place. Nobody is helping her or putting right the obstacles to her normal development.

Why is it that the child’s welfare always comes last in custody arrangements.
Trying to blend two families under these circumstances is never going to be easy and neither will you ever see good results with harsh words and discipline. You are just compounding the problem for her.

She needs her mum and dad. And she needs very careful handling from them to interpret her needs and to help understand how she is feeling, to soothe her back to feeling secure and to start building, again, from there.
You shouldn’t even be in the picture.

She doesn’t need these massive changes in her life ….and where her step mum is harsh with her.
In your haste (less than a year is so very foolish!) to create a second family, your partner has ignored the needs of his first family. There was always going to be a price to pay for that.

You need to make sure you can adequately take care of your own child and your pregnancy and leave your partner and his ex to sort out their children and themselves.

They need to put their children first and parent them properly to ensure they are happy, settled and secure, before introducing them to new partners.
This poor little three year old is clearly struggling with life with you and the baby around. She couldn’t be telling you more clearly!

Put yourself in her position OP.
Realise you and the baby are the obstacle right now.

my goodness another child on the way already and he already has children with 2 other mothers.

why are you picking up someone else's child from school - surely it is the child's father with whom that child is having contact with that does that...

Thanks for stating the bleeding obvious, but that doesn't answer the question or help!!!

She needs to understand that behaviour is unacceptable. Stop telling her off. Correct her behaviour by using examples where she agrees her behaviour is inappropriate. Always follow up with how much you love her etc. Maybe use her and her brother as examples.

What if DSS had reacted like this and took it out on your mum and you when you were born, would that be fair? Have a good conversation about it - how would she feel, what would she want to happen. Then say, so, if it would have been like that for you, is it like that for your baby brother and me? During the conversation, tell her you love her and she's the bestest girl. The bestest big sister anyone could want, but that she's not showing that is she? Tell her if wants to spend time with daddy when he has baby, she just needs to ask daddy to be next for kisses and cuddles. I'd add that I love picking her up from nursery because I know I'm going to get some good time with her and it's fun.

Good luck. At 3yo positive Reinforcement is much more successful than telling offs. Your DH though needs to join in.

I read it as 3 women

Her dad needs to be much more “hands on” with her, picking her up from school (nursery I suppose) etc. Doing her personal care, toileting etc.
You aren’t her mum. You need to back off and take care of your children.
Give her some space and time to mature.
Best wishes xx

So much harsh judgement for a new mum who is obviously struggling. Take out the step and if this was a mum struggling with a jealous 3-year old how many would be judging?

Everything that is wrong with Mumsnet is right here on this thread.

A couple of posts of help and support particularly @EG94 . Good luck OP I hope you find some answers. Don’t let the judgemental ones get to you they probably don’t have experience of step parenting.

3 women

A 3 year old isn't going to decide to be mean. She's had a lot of change to cope with. 3 year olds often struggle with new siblings in a non-split family so no wonder that your SD is struggling. You will only solve this with consistent love and patience.

What a lovely, helpful, sympathetic and constructive post, @Cem82

Bloody hell your partner must have a revolving door instead of relationships.

'Educate her'?

How exactly?

Poor kid needs kindness, attention (from her father) and help

And you can bet I'm judging

She's not the mum though is she.

This child needs to be cared for by her parents.

I don’t see where OP has said she is her mum, or wants to be. This is a huge misconception from mums who seem to think step mums want to take their place. Often it’s far from the case.

The child’s parents have split - their choice. Their problem.

How can you look at the decisions you and your partner have made over the past couple of years and then blame your relationship problems on this tiny girl?

You are not mean, but you are clueless. His daughter is being a typical 3 year old. These behaviours happen even in a stable family, when a new baby comes along, let alone 2 in as many years. You are young, newly widowed so probably still grieving, and this poor child - who was still a baby, has had to endure this level of change in such a short space of time. Of course she is acting up and regressing. A year into a relationship with her father, would ordinarily be too soon to have even met her, let alone to be trying to parent her. Why are you doing school picks for example? You need to take some responsibility for the situation that you have both created, and blaming a three year old for basically acting like a three year old, is not the way to do it.

The OP and the father are the two adults in the situation. They have acted in a way which puts the needs of the existing child (baby at the time) at the very bottom of everyone's priorities. The both of them must have known how damaging all this instability would be to such a young child but carried on regardless.

And as for the comment "The child’s parents have split - their choice. Their problem.". No. Everyone's problem, including the OPs as she is one of the adults who has chosen to foist this situation on such a young child.

Poor little girl

Bloody hell, met less than 2 years ago and your pg with the second baby? Have you not heard of birth control??

This is a completely different situation though compared to a mum struggling with their 3 accepting a new baby. This situation is a 3 year old who in their very short life so far has been born into a family where they already have a brother from another family, has had their parents split up/divorced, has had a new woman come into their life as their dad's new partner, has had a new half brother born very quickly and now has to accept there is a new baby on the way. This is nothing like a mum with a toddler struggling to adjust to their new sibling.

Om gosh this poor little girl is hardly more than a baby. I don't wish to be mean but please reflect on the fact that you chose to hitch your wagon to this man and get pregnant.

You have had a choice throughout this process and she hasn't. Now that you are in this situation you need to build on giving her unconditional love until she settles down. She was here before you were.

@Cem82 your post is kind but not sure it's realistic as Op is a young mum, with caring responsibilities to 3, soon to be 4 children. Each have their own needs and I think without lots of outside help, ideally family or caring professionals, Op can't deal with this. She also won't have a bond with the daughter so it's just much, much harder.

I've been a step parent so get it and have empathy but Op is so new into this family dynamic she isn't the solution, nor should she be taking on the responsibility.

The dad with 4 children, 3 women, at 35 suggests he isn't the best at providing stability so hopefully the mum of step daughter is around and can provide most of the care. I really hope the Dad isn't fighting for 50/50 and then expecting the Op to deal with the children.

Absolutely!

… and very much the children’s problem.

These situations always astound me in the extent to which the adults all decide the children just have to put up, suck up, shut up, get on with it, adjust. Yet the whole situation has come about because adults - I repeat adults - couldn’t continue to put up, suck up etc a relationship they had actually CHOSEN to be in . Then they have zero sympathy for people a fraction of their age struggling to do so in a relationship that has been FOISTED upon them.