Am I the evil stepmother?

[Sleepystrugglingmama]

Bit of background, I (29f) met my partner (35m) at the beginning of last year. He has two children from previous relationships. We were just looking for a more casual relationship as he was recently divorced and I’m a widow.
Cut to less than a year later and our son was born. And I am currently pregnant with our second child.

Ive always had a good relationship with my stepchildren, and with his son who is almost a teenager that relationship hasn’t changed. He’s very sweet with our son however my stepdaughter who is now 3 has decided to be mean and quite nasty both towards myself and my son.I understand she’s jealous and now has to share her daddy with a new baby and that the adjustment is hard for her but her behaviour is becoming more of a problem and is affecting my relationship with my partner.

When I collect her from school she cried and hits and kicks me. She is constantly telling me that she loves her mum and dad and her older brother but not me and not the baby. Last week she put her hands over the baby’s mouth when he was cooing to shut him up.
She has kicked my son, takes his toys away and hides them. And whenever my partner is holding or playing with the baby she doesn’t like it and kicks off until my partner leaves the baby.

She has stopped doing as she is told, stopped her toilet training and has gone back to using a nappy, suddenly won’t sit and eat her tea.
She has been good as gold before the baby came but now she’s even taking it out on the cats and rabbits by spraying them with the hosepipe.

My partner just keeps justifying her behaviour saying she’s 3, which I totally understand however he is reluctant to tell her off or let her know that this behaviour is unacceptable, and tells me I’m too harsh when I tell her off.

It’s causing a lot of issues between me and my partner on top of having a new baby with another on the way.

Is it me? Am I just being mean towards her?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

No one’s heaping the blame for a failed relationship on the OP. They are heaping the blame on the OP and her boyfriend for having a child very quickly in a casual relationship and then getting pregnant AGAIN when there was already a very young child involved which has forced a blended family in a situation where there should never have been one.

The failure of the relationship between the mother and the father isn't the issue here. Plenty of people separate and coparent amicably. The issue is that the OP and the father chose to introduce head spinning changes into a babys life without putting that baby at the centre of everything, as it should have been. As a result, there has been emotional amage done to said child.

I think you can see that but either have been in the situation of the OP yourself or you don't want to back down on your original opinion so are doubling down.

God forbid a woman has two children with a man quickly?
OP said she was initially looking for casual. No one can say a relationship with two children is casual.
Stop blaming step parents for everything that goes wrong. The majority of the blame lies with two parents who are unable to parent a three year old together.

She’s 3 op, she just can’t regulate her feelings nor does she understand beyond that she has big feelings. The poor little girl. I know it’s really difficult with a tiny baby but every time you do tell her off you need to follow up with cuddles and I love yous and make her feel secure. I spent much of my second mat leave trying to feed or cuddle baby while holding my 3yo off from jumping on me or baby and it was really really hard. But this is where you are at and it’s not this little girls fault or choice. Help her grow up secure.

I have been a step parent where I was the evil one blamed for everything. I don’t have children of my own nor was I the OW.

I was a stepparent for ten years. I’ve been a parent for six years.

doesnt change the fact that the child’s mother has no blame in this shit show created by OP and her boyfriend.

Unless you have PR you can't do any of those things as a stepparent. Medical decisions require parental authorisation.

I entirely disagree. Shit show created by the little girls parents.

You say “god forbid” as if it was a completely fine decision to make. When actually it was incredibly irresponsible when there was already an existing baby from another relationship.

Are you serious? The OP should be stopped from having children with her new partner because he already has a child? And you were a step parent? Is that not highly hypocritical?

I agree with @PrincessPeache

It was incredibly bad judgment when this man already had two childen, one extremely young, by two different women, who he apparently is doing a really shitty job of parenting. Why on earth would anyone want to saddle their own offspring with being a part of that situation?

I agree too. I don't see the attraction of having babies with a man who has shown how easily he can walk away from an existing child.

SHE IS THREE.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Agreed. And having these children makes the OP partly responsible for the situation the little girl is in.

I have no doubt that the OP will be none too happy when her children are introduced to their next set of siblings in a couple of years time.

Yes the man is responsible for the fact he moves from woman to woman spreading his seed, but the women are responsible for bringing more children into this shitshow.

You absolutely cannot claim the mum carries some blame for the situation by having the child in the first place- that's an outrageous statement! She had a child with a man who had ONE, much older, child- she presumably didn't invisage that he'd have got another woman pregnant, TWICE, by the time their baby was three.

You have absolutely no idea what led to the breakdown of the relationship between the little girl's parents- if he left her, or was abusive, then the mother carries zero blame. Obviously we don't know if either of these is the case, but my money is on the man who can't keep it in his pants being more at fault here.

Of course not everything is the step-mother's fault- it's the dad's fault! But it certainly isn't the mum's.

I genuinely cannot understand your determination to blame a woman who has no say over the current situation, unlike the OP and her partner.

If you didn't have your own children, then your situation was nothing like the OP's. You are very clearly projecting your feelings about the mother of your step-children into this random woman you have never met.

Jeez I was worried about my step kids reaction to having a new sibling and I'd been with their dad for 6 years.
This poor girl sounds utterly confused. You're not just a new person in her life it sounds like your being a parent, collecting her alone, disciplining etc when you've been in her life what a year? That's way to soon for you to be doing that stuff imo.

There’s nothing wrong with having a child with someone who already has children when you’re in a long term committed relationship and can provide stability for the existing and future children.

But that isn’t what has happened here, at all.

Do you generally struggle with cognition because you seem to be struggling to grasp a very simple concept?

Funny how I've managed to then eh? A parent can authorise a step-parent to make such decisions.

My Ex did this. His GF was pregnant 3 months after they met. He moved in her to his home after 6 weeks... we have two kids who were primary school age, so much better than 3. It's still been an absolute shit show. All kids (theirs included) are just getting hurt by their rash decisions. I cannot understand why people don't consider the impact on all the children- they literally have no say in this and it breaks my heart. The least you can do show is show some empathy

If there's no legal documents that say you have responsibility to do that, then your medical providers and other people allowing you to sign legal documents are breaking the law then- which I find unlikely.

Someone with 'parental responsibility' can consent for Under 16s.
This could be:

• the child's mother or father
• the child's legally appointed guardian
• a person with a residence order concerning the child
• a local authority designated to care for the child
• a local authority or person with an emergency protection order for the child.

https://faq.nhsbsa.nhs.uk/knowledgebase/article/KA-01790/en-us

Some hobbies will allow you to sign a child up without PR and obviously you can assign chores, but you do not have any legal rights unless you have PR.

A "step- parent" is a social construct, not a legal construct.

I've taken my DSD to the doctor and been prescribed medication for her. I've never needed to sign anything. I do sign permission slips for school trips etc.

My parents have also taken my nephew's to the doctor before on behalf of my brother and never had any issues.

You can copy and paste what you like and tell me what I can't do but I've literally done these things without any issues.

I've taken my DSD to the doctor and been prescribed medication for her.

You weren't prescribed medication for her. She was prescribed the medicine. The doctor assumed you were her father's nominee.

A step- parent is not a legal construct. It's a courtesy social construct. "Step" relatives for example have no rights to inherit from a deceased of whom they are a "step" relative unless they are specifically named in a will ; in which case they have as much right to inherit as say, the local Cat and Dog Home if it were named as a beneficiary.

Not to chime in but there’s also a lot more involved to parenting than the legality of it. Just like marriage is more than a bit of paper.

Legally, most of us acknowledge (and support) that a child has two legal parents. But an awful lot of what step parents do is parenting. I do think that describing it as a courtesy totally minimises that.