Am I the evil stepmother?

[Sleepystrugglingmama]

Bit of background, I (29f) met my partner (35m) at the beginning of last year. He has two children from previous relationships. We were just looking for a more casual relationship as he was recently divorced and I’m a widow.
Cut to less than a year later and our son was born. And I am currently pregnant with our second child.

Ive always had a good relationship with my stepchildren, and with his son who is almost a teenager that relationship hasn’t changed. He’s very sweet with our son however my stepdaughter who is now 3 has decided to be mean and quite nasty both towards myself and my son.I understand she’s jealous and now has to share her daddy with a new baby and that the adjustment is hard for her but her behaviour is becoming more of a problem and is affecting my relationship with my partner.

When I collect her from school she cried and hits and kicks me. She is constantly telling me that she loves her mum and dad and her older brother but not me and not the baby. Last week she put her hands over the baby’s mouth when he was cooing to shut him up.
She has kicked my son, takes his toys away and hides them. And whenever my partner is holding or playing with the baby she doesn’t like it and kicks off until my partner leaves the baby.

She has stopped doing as she is told, stopped her toilet training and has gone back to using a nappy, suddenly won’t sit and eat her tea.
She has been good as gold before the baby came but now she’s even taking it out on the cats and rabbits by spraying them with the hosepipe.

My partner just keeps justifying her behaviour saying she’s 3, which I totally understand however he is reluctant to tell her off or let her know that this behaviour is unacceptable, and tells me I’m too harsh when I tell her off.

It’s causing a lot of issues between me and my partner on top of having a new baby with another on the way.

Is it me? Am I just being mean towards her?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Amazing that it only seems to be people who are only weeks/months into relationships have contraception failures, while couples who have been married for years seem to manage to not have multiple pregnancies they didn’t plan

made no sense when it happened to me either. Years of long term relationships happily on the pill and then bam 5 weeks pregnant with my 4 week boyfriend.

Years of long term relationships happily on the pill and then bam 5 weeks pregnant with my 4 week boyfriend.

Sure, but there are choices, and when your "casual boyfriend" has a baby already, which the 3 year old would have been for the first pregnancy, I know I'd have been thinking about the impact to the pre existing children as well as my own future children. I don't know why it's taboo to say that.

My goodness, the amount of judgement on this thread is unbelievable. I suggest you take a good hard look at yourselves before judging others.

OP, your stepdaughter needs to learn that her behaviour is unacceptable. She could seriously harm your baby or pets. Your husband should take control of her behaviour but if he doesn't then you need to step in and educate her.

I think you need to get a councillor or someone to help you all. The part of the brain that deals with emotional regulation is not developed in a toddler so when they feel something they really feel it and there is no off switch. Giving out or getting cross makes it worse, not better! I have got grumpy at my 3 year olds behaviour on a handful of occasions (only human) and each time found her tantrum escalated rather than improved! They don’t have proper empathy, they don’t have emotional regulation, their brains are growing and they are only learning. When you lose your cool at them they then mimic this behaviour back - if you want her to be calm you need to be calm! Honestly whatever you give her you are going to get back!

Personally I would get in some
professional help, read some books on child development and most of all
include her and make a fuss of her! If she says she hates you respond with “That’s okay, I love you very much” if she says she hates the kids tell her they love their big sister and can’t wait until they are big enough to play with her. Ask her to be a special helper and to get things for her step siblings or help hold the bottle. Make sure your partner says things about how he is so lucky to have 3 special children and how she is such a good girl to the baby! Make it positive even when she makes it hard. It is a challenging age but they are learning and it’s not forever - just make sure she has positive behaviour to learn from!

You met last yr and you're already pregnant with your second child to him? Talk about moving fast! No wonder she's upset.

Were all his children planned?

I don't think people are saying her behaviour should be ignored. In fact a few have said her dad needs to step up and be a parent. PP are just asking OP to give this child some grace given her age and the situation that's been forced upon her. Her behaviour absolutely should be addressed, by dad. Dad needs to step up and start being there for his DD more including doing nursery pick ups.

OP she’s behaving like a 3 year old whose Dad left when she was a toddler, shacked up with a new woman straight away, popped out another kid, and has another on the way. Not many 3 year olds would take that in their stride.

I suggest you come back and tell us how your DS behaves when the new baby is born…..

I don't think the op will be coming back to this thread

Put aside for a moment that she is a step child. She is 3 and lots of children get very jealous/insecure when a new sibling comes along and they have been the youngest until that point. You need to work with her to make her feel important as a big sister. You need to be firm with her when she does something dangerous but other that telling her off will not help here.

This. What on earth were the pair of you thinking?

She’s three?

She is still a baby.

You aren’t picking her up from school. It’s nursery.

At three, she doesn’t have full understanding of her actions enough for that kind of discipline. That comes more around four or five.

I feel so bad for this poor baby.

Maybe she needs to spend more time with her mum, in a household where she’s still treated as the baby/toddler she is.

Being strict with her isnt going to to anything to help her feel safe and like an important part of her Daddy’s new life. She’s still a baby at three. There’s also the fact that most children don’t really want or need step parents or half siblings. The adults that make those things be a part of their lives have to accept that there is likely to be challenging behaviour because thats what children do when they’re unhappy.

She only posted less than 1hr ago!

Step back and tell her df he needs to be the main carer while in your home.

You've moved WAY too fast. Babies are disruptive to the family dynamic whatever the situation is. Plus she's only 3.

That poor little girl. It’s a dreadful set up for her

S he's got a 3yo with someone else, and a baby and a half with you. She's a toddler who has had massive disruption in her life. She's probably really struggling. Why on earth have you rushed to have not one but 2 babies with a man who already had a baby?

This

This whole situation is absolutely insane.

What the hell are you thinking?

She's 3, with a dad who can't keep his cock covered for longer than 3 minutes, breeds like a wild rabbit and doesn't know whether she's coming or going.

It's not the 3 year old that needs educating. It's her dad and stepmother who need educating on when to not keep procreating. You know, so they can focus on the kids they have got.

This child doesn't need educating she needs stability and she doesn't have any.

And yes, I do judge parents like that.

It’s not right to centre yourself in this. The question is not “am I the evil stepmother?” ( poor me) , the question should be “how do I help this unhappy little girl who I have so heavily imposed upon?”

I agree with this. I got mixed up with a loser guy too soon whilst going through a divorce. It wasn't my finest hour; he had multiple children, all be it most were older teens/early 20s, and a 5 year old. Same pattern each time, meets woman, gets her pregnant in the whirlwind of lust, everything is fine until the realisation that the existing kids from his previous whirlwind of lust haven't magically disappeared and actually need nurturing.

My kids were young at the time, and somehow, I ended up pregnant within months. Nothing good would have ever come from continuing that pregnancy, my kids would have suffered, his 5 year old would have suffered and it would have just enabled the continued pattern he had of having multiple kids with different women.

When it went inevitably sour and ended, I was free of him instead of struggling to raise yet another kid in a toxic "family" environment where every child in it suffers. Sadly, it's too late in the ops situation, so the only thing that can be done is damage control.

Maybe a bit more bloody judgement would improve people's morals and teach them to look after the children they already have before creating new ones with people they've known 5 minutes!

The poor wee thing - she’s only a baby herself and her whole world has been blown up.

There’s no point in all the hand wringing, that ship has sailed. OP’s casual relationship is now one baby and another on the way plus a tiny child in nursery to step-parent. It can’t be undone.

Read Siblings Without Rivalry and start thinking how to help this little girl make sense of her new world. She acts out because she doesn’t understand, is scared and frustrated.

I doubt you are being mean to her - but your family set up is chaotic - and she's responding to that.

You've had a baby far too quickly for her to adjust to you, and now there's another on the way.

Your partner, as the father of your two step kids who he deprioritised in favour of having more kids with you, is more to blame than you are - but you got pregnant quickly by a man with 2 kids by 2 different women, one of them a toddler, which is crackers. Overall, you are both very much at fault. As a minimum, you shouldn't meet a partner's kids till you've been dating a year - they need a year to get used to you before you move in, and they need a year of you moved in before you get pregnant.

However you are where you are.

You and your partner need to agree clear boundaries on her behaviour - she cannot be allowed to attack the baby. Time Out is v important here, but until she's settling down, I'd honestly just limit her time with him.

Sticker charts and rewards help most kids that age.

What's really key is quality time alone with her dad.

Once she's settling down a bit, then you taking her out to tea (or whatever she likes) a couple of times a month would be a good idea so you can build a relationship - but only once she's got used to quality time with her dad.

Again once she's settling down, get her to help a bit with the baby - kids that age like to help and it will help her feel responsible for him.

If you need to call in professional help in the form of a family therapist, then do.

I think you and your partner really need to acknowledge that you seriously fucked up here, and take joint responsibility for moving forward.

I’m looking at my little three year old girl (my baby) and it’s making my heart hurt.

Tantruming when you pick her up from nursery - 3yos are so tired after a long day, they tend to tantrum at pickup/dropoff anyway. But why are you picking her up, and not her mum or dad? It must be awful for her. It’s unacceptable and you’re not putting this baby girl’s needs first.

Spraying animals with the hosepipe - your DPs fault. A three year old shouldn’t have a hosepipe.

Not telling you she loves you - why should she? You don’t sound like you even like her. Are you loving towards her?

When your eldest turns three, and you realise how little that still is, I think you’ll look back on this time with some shame.

In terms of discipline - at most, something like a sticker behaviour chart, which is explained to her gently each time it’s used. Your partner should not “tell her off”.

If you’re going to be in this baby girls life, please be loving and gentle to her. With so much trauma and upheaval in her early life, she already has the odds stacked against her.