Am I the evil stepmother?

[Sleepystrugglingmama]

Bit of background, I (29f) met my partner (35m) at the beginning of last year. He has two children from previous relationships. We were just looking for a more casual relationship as he was recently divorced and I’m a widow.
Cut to less than a year later and our son was born. And I am currently pregnant with our second child.

Ive always had a good relationship with my stepchildren, and with his son who is almost a teenager that relationship hasn’t changed. He’s very sweet with our son however my stepdaughter who is now 3 has decided to be mean and quite nasty both towards myself and my son.I understand she’s jealous and now has to share her daddy with a new baby and that the adjustment is hard for her but her behaviour is becoming more of a problem and is affecting my relationship with my partner.

When I collect her from school she cried and hits and kicks me. She is constantly telling me that she loves her mum and dad and her older brother but not me and not the baby. Last week she put her hands over the baby’s mouth when he was cooing to shut him up.
She has kicked my son, takes his toys away and hides them. And whenever my partner is holding or playing with the baby she doesn’t like it and kicks off until my partner leaves the baby.

She has stopped doing as she is told, stopped her toilet training and has gone back to using a nappy, suddenly won’t sit and eat her tea.
She has been good as gold before the baby came but now she’s even taking it out on the cats and rabbits by spraying them with the hosepipe.

My partner just keeps justifying her behaviour saying she’s 3, which I totally understand however he is reluctant to tell her off or let her know that this behaviour is unacceptable, and tells me I’m too harsh when I tell her off.

It’s causing a lot of issues between me and my partner on top of having a new baby with another on the way.

Is it me? Am I just being mean towards her?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I have suggested before that every woman going into a new relationship should be required by law to have a three year contraceptive implant fitted.
Why are people in such an all fired hurry to breed with people they hardly bloody know??

'they probably don’t have experience of step parenting.'

Possibly not. But what they probably have got experience of is picking up the pieces and mopping up the tears once again for their child whose father has shat on them once again,by surging forward solely focussing on new girlfriend and pretending his existing child doesn't exist.

Sorry but I agree completely with this

Four children with three women by age 35… now what sort of man does that remind me of?

Carrie? Is that you?

It’s completely understandable, she’s 3. That doesn’t mean that she shouldn’t be told off. She needs firm, loving boundaries now more than ever. Especially when she is physical with the baby or pets. No wonder she ‘doesn’t love you’ when you are being forded into being the disciplinarian. Her dad needs to step up or no more picking her up from school etc. If he wants to parent his way then he needs to take 100% of the responsibility.

Would make far more sense for the blokes to carrying this responsibility, given they can impregnate 10 women every day, whereas a woman is once per year. We're currently putting contraception responsibility on the wrong sex.

The responses are unreal. The two parents of the three year old have split - ultimately leading to this child having problems. Whilst the OP has met a man and had children with him. How is the the earlier split her fault and therefore the toddler’s issues her problem?

Any excuse to blame and bash a SM for events completely out of her control?

Where is the poor dear 3 year olds mum in this sorry mess you and your partner have created.

And the mother had zero influence on the split did she? Just blame the dad and his new partner.

How did you go from wanting casual to having a baby within a year??

The mother also created it!

I’m sorry you’re in such a situation it sounds super stressful for everyone ❤️ but she’s a baby, a 3 year old. Bless her what a stressful situation for her. Did you guys have your first baby together when she was 1? That’s where the problem lies unfortunately nothing you can do about it now, but that little girls needs lots of extra love and support and you both need to make it work as the adults. She’s an innocent little girl at the end of the day and she’s didn’t ask to be thrown into this situation. My heart breaks for her to be honest. I hope you guys can make it work ❤️

@WillLiveLife
Well obviously the earlier split isn't remotely her fault which is why not a single responder on this thread has said it was.
What is undoubtedly her fault was getting pregnant within two minutes without pausing for thought on how this would im pave his existing baby.

I think it’s your partners problem to sort out, sounds like your doing all you can from your end. Maybe he should pick her up from pre school if she’s kicking off?

This 👆🏼

You're missing the point @WillLiveLife

The split of the partner and his ex is completely irrelevant.

The decision by the op and him to make babies straight away is what's relevant.

my goodness another child on the way already and he already has children with 2 other mothers.

And he's only 35 yet his eldest child is almost a teen. His irresponsible fathering (and I'm using that in the techincal sense of impregnating women, not parenting) started when he was around 22. I'd bet everything I own the OP won't be the last.

As for the OP "whoops a daisy, I've got a baby, oop's it's happened again- how did that happen"?

I feel sorry for all the children, the cats and the rabbit being lumbered with you and this ghastly man.

Have you read and understood the thread @WillLiveLife ?
Your answers are suggesting you haven't fully understood the problem.

I read many posts that are blaming OP!

I am not missing the point I am offering a different opinion!

A little girl who probably has no memory of living with her dad, now has to watch him being full time dad to 2 other children.
This is probably very upsetting and she can’t express this properly.

It’s normally for young children to be jealous of siblings. She’s basically a baby herself and she’s being pushed into the role of older child (which can’t be helped) but it’s on top of being ferried between two homes and a step parent doing her care. Poor thing.

Of course the three year old’s parents’ split is part of the problem!

Personally, if i met a man who had a 1 year old that he'd walked out on, regardless of which of the baby's parents had instigated the spilt, I'd be backing off and leaving him to concentrate on his relationship with his baby. Not getting together with him and getting pregnant when said baby was only 1, thus throwing this little girls life upside down. It's called being a decent person. What kind of person thinks that this entire situation is acceptable when there is a tiny child in the midst of it?

She is 3 for gods sake and you barely got to know his kids before you got pregnant. Leave her alone

Her whole life has been flipped upside down. Her lashing out is a cry out for attention. Your attention has been taken away from her and she is seeking reassurance, love and attention. 1-2-1 time with her might be a good starting point. It doesn't have to be long just playing some games uninterrupted. Adopt gentle parenting and tell her the feeling is ok but the behaviour is not. Look at Big Little Feelings. They have great advice on navigating toddler behaviours.

At 3 she has no impulse control, is suddenly experiencing emotions she didn't know she had and doesn't have the language or social skills to tell you what she needs/wants. When she says she doesn't love you or the baby just respond "OK well I love you more than sticky marshmallows" or something else light hearted. It's reassuring her that you won't abandon her if she pushes you away and cuts through the tough emotions