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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

My child hates my partner

113 replies

Purplepixie1 · 07/09/2024 11:16

I don’t really know where to start with this… I met my partner when my DD1 was 3, it had been just the two of us since she was 1, we moved in together a year later and had a child DD2, a few years after that. We are not married and my DD1 sees her father every other weekend.
There have been a catalogue of issues over the years that have caused my DD1 to dislike him, he has a temper on him and we have had a very turbulent relationship. He has shouted and yelled at her multiple times, made her feel stupid and blamed her for things that wasn’t her fault. I’ve caught him saying nasty things to her behind my back, name calling etc. He also favourites his child over her which has caused so many arguments between us and as a result I am very protective of her and jump in the moment he says anything which causes more arguments between us. He has been very heavy handed with our dog in the past, has called me names constantly in front of her. Separately to all this a few years ago he pushed me backwards really hard (like a rugby tackle) and broke my wrist, he was arrested but I didn’t press charges and he apologised and has since gone to therapy. (My DDs don’t know about the wrist incident and think I fell over).

I have recently found a journal from my DD1 saying how unhappy she is. How she hates him and doesn’t want to be here anymore. She is in therapy at school but hasn’t told me, and talks about how she has trauma from past events. It has absolutely broken my heart and I feel so much guilt for letting it get to this stage.

I know I need to leave but I am so scared and don’t know how to do it. We are not married but very entwined with a joint business together, mortgage etc. He has also said in arguments that he will take DD2 with him if we were to separate which kills me.

I also feel torn that I would be taking DD2 away from him, she loves him so much and although he has a temper and has scared her a few times with shouting and swearing etc he is a good dad to her and she adores him.

He has been in therapy the last few months and is trying to make changes.. he has been better recently but he is one of those personalities that will always over dramatise everything. He is also very opinionated, says racist remarks, swears in front of the kids and isn’t able to control it very well.

From the outside people that we know all like him… he is the life and soul of the party, outgoing, will do anything for anyone, a popular ‘nice’ guy.

I know I am probably going to get slated for not leaving sooner but it is easier said than done and it is so easy to make excuses for his behaviour and carry on but now I feel like I am losing my DD1 and I can’t bear the thought of this damaging our relationship forever.

OP posts:

LikeWeUsedToBe · 07/09/2024 15:08

Op I left an abusive partner. It's fucking hard. Still sorting the finances 8 years later in my case. It's certainly not easy to do and you are right to think it through so you can prepare yourself. But you have to leave.

My dd hates having contact with her dad and resents me for sending her but I've been able to explain we have a court order and I'm powerless to stop the contact. She knows I left him and if I hadn't she would live with that environment all the time and have no safe place. I know our relationship will stand into her adulthood.

My mother was abusive to me. My dad stood idly by and did nothing to stop it. He died last year and I couldn't give a shit I was surprised by how little affect it had on me. He was never safe or trustworthy and I couldn't rely on him to protect me so I shut him out emotionally. My mother is now I'll and I'm caring for her out of a sense of duty. It's such a burden and I dislike her with every breath. It would kill me if when I'm old and dying my kids feel how I feel now. It would kill me if my kids end up in abusive relationships like I did because they hadn't been protected from abuse and were damaged the way I was.

If you don't leave you will do more damage to these kids than has been done. And they won't be able to connect with you emotionally because you are not a safe person in their life you are a risk

Pennyplant19 · 07/09/2024 15:14

My brother and I were abused similarly as children by my Dad. My Mum didn't leave, and by not leaving allowed it to continue. My brother suffered the worst of his abuse.
I went through therapy, and have come out the other side. My brother never did, and turned to drink. I found him dead 3 months ago.
LEAVE. NOW.

krustykittens · 07/09/2024 15:27

I am glad it has all clicked together in your mind, OP, and you can now see him for what he is - an abuser. Sadly, The vast majority of these men can't/won't change and you need to leave him ASAP. I get that is must be very frightening but the difference it will make to your daughters lives will be incredible. My stepdad was mentally and physically abusive, to myself and my mother but she would never acknowledge it and gaslit me. I finally went NC with them both when he started on my children and I had a lot of therapy. Being made to feel worthless all my life led to some pretty self destructive behaviour, and the bad example set to me led me to put up with unacceptable behaviour. I am lucky, I turned my life around mostly thanks to a wonderful partner who recognised the signs of abuse and urged me to get help and supported me through my therapy. That is very rare. My relationship with my mother has not survived because I am so angry at her for putting a man first that she let me endure all that. She was the breadwinner as well. If you don't leave him, you will either see your kids suffer their whole lives at the hands of abusers just like him and probably end up in an early grave, or they will get mentally healthy and never speak to either of you again. You have NOTHING to gain by staying with him, no matter what he promises. I really hope you go. x

Ellie56 · 07/09/2024 15:29

There have been a catalogue of issues over the years that have caused my DD1 to dislike him, he has a temper on him and we have had a very turbulent relationship. He has shouted and yelled at her multiple times, made her feel stupid and blamed her for things that wasn’t her fault. I’ve caught him saying nasty things to her behind my back, name calling etc.

He also favourites his child over her

He has been very heavy handed with our dog in the past, has called me names constantly in front of her.

Separately to all this a few years ago he pushed me backwards really hard (like a rugby tackle) and broke my wrist,

Why are you still with this violent horrible man, and letting your kids grow up in a toxic abusive household?

Is it any wonder after what she's had to put up with? Poor, poor little girl.

Don't feel torn. He isn't a good dad. Good dads don't scare their kids. She only adores him because she doesn't know any better how a dad should behave.

He is also very opinionated, says racist remarks, swears in front of the kids and isn’t able to control it very well.

He's a nasty abusive shit.

it is so easy to make excuses for his behaviour and carry on but now I feel like I am losing my DD1 and I can’t bear the thought of this damaging our relationship forever.

If you don't get out now your relationship with both your kids will be damaged for ever.

Lotsofsnacks · 07/09/2024 15:31

OP get out of there now for the sake of your dds. Poor dd1, do this for her, now. He sounds an absolute shit!! When he has to look after dd2 on his own, promise his interest will wain, he’s using her to make you stay. And he can’t just ‘take’ dd2. Was he nice to dd1 when you met him but turned nasty as soon as he moved in?

NiftyKoala · 07/09/2024 15:50

Danikm151 · 07/09/2024 11:28

As a mother it’s your job to protect your child. You aren’t doing that.

you say you other child loves him and he’s a good dad to her- a good dad that will teach her that being angry, racist and aggressive is the norm?

think about it

This. There was a thread recently a mother in a similar situation who's adul daughter went NC. You are a mother. Your job is to protect your children. Just because you have failed miserably so far does not mean you can't change. There is no man or womanworth more then your children.

Choochoo21 · 07/09/2024 15:59

Pennyplant19 · 07/09/2024 15:14

This is so awful! I’m sorry for your loss 💔

OP you may not be the one abusing your child but you are enabling it by staying in a relationship with the abuser.

Your child has an awful childhood.
She is also going to have an extremely difficult adulthood too.

If you don’t want to leave, then please get her out of this situation.

As a PP said, speak to the dogs trust as the freedom project fosters dogs whose owners are going through similar things.

tsmainsqueeze · 07/09/2024 16:07

Sod your business and other logistics grab your kids and get them out now.
I would rather live in a cardboard box than stay one second longer with a man who abused my child, you had one chance to give her a happy childhood try and salvage whatever she has left of it.
It is heartbreaking to think of any child being terrorised in their own home,the one place they should feel safest of all.
Please be the mother your children deserve and leave,there is nothing else you can do is there ?

LifeExperience · 07/09/2024 16:22

You and your children are being abused. You must do the right thing as a mother and get them and you out of a dangerous situation. He could escalate quickly and hurt one or all of you. You can't allow that. Take your children and leave today!

chocolaterevels · 07/09/2024 18:48

soundsfamiliar · 07/09/2024 14:49

You don't say how old your daughter is, but sounds like she's maybe late primary age at least. For the school to put her into therapy and not tell you seems odd to me, so perhaps she's older.

If you really don't think you can get him out or get yourselves out immediately, then if she's old enough, I'd sit her down and tell her that you realise how bad things are, apologise, and tell her you are going to put an end to this. She needs some light at the end of this horrendous tunnel.

Of course, then you absolutely have to stick to your word.

I've been this kid. My first thought when my mum died when I was 10 years old was "What is my life going to be like now? This man doesn't even like me". So I'm very glad to see her dad is still in her life. Can you ask him to have her for a week or two while you sort things out?

This is really good advice.

It's tiresome reading the posts of people who say leave now today, living in a cardboard box is better. Real life doesn't actually work like that.

Hopefully op can apologise to her daughter, validate her daughter and tell her daughter she is putting plans in place. Then find the strength to get help and advice from women's aid. They will be able to guide you on what to do.

Zanatdy · 08/09/2024 15:00

You have to leave. It’s not easy, I left my ex because he fell out with my son and I know how hard it is, but this is far worse. You can’t keep putting her through this. He sounds horrible and he will never change. He can’t take your DS2, he can get joint custody but he won’t get full access

Zanatdy · 08/09/2024 15:02

And please get the dog out now, ask someone to rehome or take to a rescue, abuse of animals is never acceptable. The poor thing

Dweetfidilove · 08/09/2024 16:31

I hate him too, having read this.

Presuming these things didn't just appear, I kinda hate you too for saddling her with this abusive prick who's put her into therapy, because her mom didn't think to end the relationship before it got this far.

Hopefully, for her sake at least, you're well on your way out the door.

Does her father know this man is abusing his child? If she has a good relationship with her dad, can you send her there so she's safer, at least until you've entangled yourself?

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