My child hates my partner

[Purplepixie1]

I don’t really know where to start with this… I met my partner when my DD1 was 3, it had been just the two of us since she was 1, we moved in together a year later and had a child DD2, a few years after that. We are not married and my DD1 sees her father every other weekend.
There have been a catalogue of issues over the years that have caused my DD1 to dislike him, he has a temper on him and we have had a very turbulent relationship. He has shouted and yelled at her multiple times, made her feel stupid and blamed her for things that wasn’t her fault. I’ve caught him saying nasty things to her behind my back, name calling etc. He also favourites his child over her which has caused so many arguments between us and as a result I am very protective of her and jump in the moment he says anything which causes more arguments between us. He has been very heavy handed with our dog in the past, has called me names constantly in front of her. Separately to all this a few years ago he pushed me backwards really hard (like a rugby tackle) and broke my wrist, he was arrested but I didn’t press charges and he apologised and has since gone to therapy. (My DDs don’t know about the wrist incident and think I fell over).

I have recently found a journal from my DD1 saying how unhappy she is. How she hates him and doesn’t want to be here anymore. She is in therapy at school but hasn’t told me, and talks about how she has trauma from past events. It has absolutely broken my heart and I feel so much guilt for letting it get to this stage.

I know I need to leave but I am so scared and don’t know how to do it. We are not married but very entwined with a joint business together, mortgage etc. He has also said in arguments that he will take DD2 with him if we were to separate which kills me.

I also feel torn that I would be taking DD2 away from him, she loves him so much and although he has a temper and has scared her a few times with shouting and swearing etc he is a good dad to her and she adores him.

He has been in therapy the last few months and is trying to make changes.. he has been better recently but he is one of those personalities that will always over dramatise everything. He is also very opinionated, says racist remarks, swears in front of the kids and isn’t able to control it very well.

From the outside people that we know all like him… he is the life and soul of the party, outgoing, will do anything for anyone, a popular ‘nice’ guy.

I know I am probably going to get slated for not leaving sooner but it is easier said than done and it is so easy to make excuses for his behaviour and carry on but now I feel like I am losing my DD1 and I can’t bear the thought of this damaging our relationship forever.

I don't want to pile on but you owe your daughter a huge apology. You kept her in misery with a man you openly admit verbally abuses her.

No excuses, make plans to leave.

She needs a reality check and to take some responsibility and realise as an adult she can make decisions and that these decisions impact her children. Her children have endured this for years because she chose to stay. You can make crappy decisions like this when you don't have kids but as soon as you become a mother your children come first and upto this point she hasn't done that.

Don't feel bad about "taking dd2 away from him". If you stay you teach both dd that they should tolerate a violent bully and their house should be one of shouting unhappiness. If you leave you teach them they deserve better and that your willing to go through a huge upheaval to keep them safe. Your 1st dd is already showing you she cannot trust you with her unhappiness so she has hidden it in a diary and sought counselling. She is a bright kid to get herself help but you now need to step up as her mother. I know it isn't easy but the answer is glaringly obvious. If you find you cannot leave do the kind thing and send dd1 to live with her dad (provided he isn't abusive)

Get women's aid involved and leave secretly!!! Don't tell him or let on.

For God's sake this is your last chance to repair with your daughter and make her happy.

It's child abuse and you have allowed it and are continuing to do so.
She hasn't talked to you so that shows you are already low down on her list of safe adults to go to for help.
If you don't act and leave you will lose her when she is old enough to choose or school will get ss involved.
You need to note everything he has done and keep record which may help with custody of your shared child.
It doesn't matter if he is currently seeking help. The damage is already done he can't change that

Your daughter is getting some sort of therapy at school?.She writes in her diary that she doesn't want to be here - what does that mean? That she doesn't want to be in that household any more? Or that she doesn't want to live?
Interesting that she doesn't come to you with her worries and fears. Perhaps she knows that you have ignored her plight for years because you always put him first.
Get both your girls out of there before they suffer further damage.

You know you have to leave. Protect your children and stop making up excuses to enable his abuse.

How old is DD1?

It is really easy for people to say just leave. Not so easy in reality. How is the housing situation where you live? Really difficult where I am, but would have to take any rental (probably a 1 bed flat for all of us) I could find given your situation. Do you have business accounts and credit record? This can't continue, and it's great that you've realised that.

Could you leave the business? Is it something you could set up separately on your own?

It angers me that it's so bloody difficult for women to leave these days, due to finances and housing. But you have to find a way. He can't take the second child off you.

You need to sit down and give yourself a good talking to OP. I grew up in a home where my parent chose (and still chooses) to be with a person exactly like this. I was scared of them, they had a horrible temper and I would regularly have to comfort my parent after they’d had yet another horrible argument.

I still cannot fathom how they could sit and watch a grown man scream in my face and not leave.

I am glad you are leaving difficult as it is .Only yesterday on here ,a woman asked how to reconcile with her child who doesnt want to know her as an adult, as similar situation as a child to you.

When DD1 becomes an adult, it's highly possible she will never forgive you for this if you don't do something. You're downplaying this quite severely, which I know abuse victims can do.

You have to leave. There is no good outcome from this. It isn't going to be easy so definitely seek support and advice from Woman's Aid or any DV charity. It will need planning.

This. Even if you can't see the wood for the trees now, look to the future. If you don't leave now, you won't have a relationship with her then.

Everyone else has just said it. You myst keave even if you leave with nothing. This man will eventually kill you and his abuse and your complicity will eventually destroy both your daughters. At least, if you leave, you have a chance to apologize to them and show them a better world. If you stay they will be crushed by this man.

Also, eventually your shared DD will feel like this too. He's already abusing her.

So you will end up without either of them, but still living with a violent abuser, wasting your short life.

You may have to go to court to protect your younger daughter, yes, but you need to protect you elder DD now. Leave. He is abusive and she needs you to protect her.

This.

He isn't a good dad to her if he behaves as you have described.

Can you line up alternative employment?

My advice:

1. speak to women's aid for advice.
2. report all of the abuse to the police.
3. get a non-molestation order out against him.
4. get him (legally), out of the house.
5. you may need support for social services in terms of arranging only supervised contact for his daughter.

You really do need to act now. Your daughter is damaged, you need to get her to safety before she starts self-harming, or kills herself. If you act quickly, there is a way to save your daughter and limit the trauma that will haunt her through life.

You are all victims, even the dog. You have realised you need to leave, which is a MASSIVE step. But now please do leave/get him gone ASAP.

Someone suggested mediation for the business/finances, I'm sure mediation is NOT advised in cases of DV.

You also need to go back to the police, you should then be able to get legal aid.

The business and mortgage are NOT reasons to stay in this highly abusive environment. Kindly, you do need to put your children first.

IF you decide you cannot leave, or you're not going to do it for a while, then really you need to get your daughter's father to take her or a grandparent or aunt/uncle. You cannot let her stay being abused like this, and by failing to protect her, you put yourself at risk of prosecution, should it come to that.

I wish you all the best, from someone who left their abusive monster x

ETA if you do take your daughter to stay with someone else for a while, please make sure you tell her why, and that it's temporary while you leave him. Please tell her how much you love her and are now protecting her. But please make sure this is temporary, as in days, not months, as you do not want her to then be traumatised by thinking you've chosen him over her. I wouldn't tell her until after she's out of the house, so she doesn't tell him your plans x

The correct term is 'collaborator'.

OP, I know that all these messages are really hard for you to read but you absolutely don't have a choice. You must protect your children.

Not to add to your misery but you've told us that your daughter is having therapy at school. That means that the school is aware of her chaotic and abusive home-life. It is only a matter of time before other agencies like social services become involved.

Act now by calling Women's Aid. You are also a victim but you have agency, your children do not. Safeguard them first and then take what you need for yourself.

has scared her a few times with shouting and swearing etc he is a good dad to her and she adores him

No he fucking isn't a good dad.

He's abusing all of you.

This is awful and was actually upsetting to read.

if you posted because you need to hear it from others fine.
leave him.

you might be a “victim” but you’re an enabler too. The real victim is your daughter…a child who cannot choose who is forced to live with an abuser who terrorises her in her own home.

its your job to protect her and instead you brought this arsehole into her life. You are failing your Dd horribly.

I could cry for your 1st little girl. No child should ever feel so sad that they wish they weren't here. As a mother, you have failed her terribly (and still are). You have chosen an absolute bastard of a "man" (he isn't a real man) over your poor little girls. The one you've got with this nasty piece of work is also miserable. ....."although he has a temper and has scared her a few times with shouting and swearing etc he is a good dad to her". He isn't a good dad or partner. He's a horrible piece of shit, and YOU are no better, as YOU are allowing that scumbag to DESTROY the lives of your children. Get out, please. Stop making excuses. TRY to be a decent mother before it's too late.

I hope your eldest daughter's dad gets to know about this - and that he gets custody of her.

You've enabled this an to abuse your child for years and done absolutely nothing about it. That makes you as bad as him.
Your child should go and e with her father. That way you can stay with him, continue your comfortable life, run a business with him and make sure his child has a lovely life with her father.
Where children are involved in domestic abuse like your eldest child, they are the victim, not the adult (you).
I don't care how hard your fucking life is, that child comes first.
I was an abused child. there isnt anything I wouldn't do to protect my children