My child hates my partner

[Purplepixie1]

I don’t really know where to start with this… I met my partner when my DD1 was 3, it had been just the two of us since she was 1, we moved in together a year later and had a child DD2, a few years after that. We are not married and my DD1 sees her father every other weekend.
There have been a catalogue of issues over the years that have caused my DD1 to dislike him, he has a temper on him and we have had a very turbulent relationship. He has shouted and yelled at her multiple times, made her feel stupid and blamed her for things that wasn’t her fault. I’ve caught him saying nasty things to her behind my back, name calling etc. He also favourites his child over her which has caused so many arguments between us and as a result I am very protective of her and jump in the moment he says anything which causes more arguments between us. He has been very heavy handed with our dog in the past, has called me names constantly in front of her. Separately to all this a few years ago he pushed me backwards really hard (like a rugby tackle) and broke my wrist, he was arrested but I didn’t press charges and he apologised and has since gone to therapy. (My DDs don’t know about the wrist incident and think I fell over).

I have recently found a journal from my DD1 saying how unhappy she is. How she hates him and doesn’t want to be here anymore. She is in therapy at school but hasn’t told me, and talks about how she has trauma from past events. It has absolutely broken my heart and I feel so much guilt for letting it get to this stage.

I know I need to leave but I am so scared and don’t know how to do it. We are not married but very entwined with a joint business together, mortgage etc. He has also said in arguments that he will take DD2 with him if we were to separate which kills me.

I also feel torn that I would be taking DD2 away from him, she loves him so much and although he has a temper and has scared her a few times with shouting and swearing etc he is a good dad to her and she adores him.

He has been in therapy the last few months and is trying to make changes.. he has been better recently but he is one of those personalities that will always over dramatise everything. He is also very opinionated, says racist remarks, swears in front of the kids and isn’t able to control it very well.

From the outside people that we know all like him… he is the life and soul of the party, outgoing, will do anything for anyone, a popular ‘nice’ guy.

I know I am probably going to get slated for not leaving sooner but it is easier said than done and it is so easy to make excuses for his behaviour and carry on but now I feel like I am losing my DD1 and I can’t bear the thought of this damaging our relationship forever.

Please listen to what everyone us saying. My stepfather was abusive to me, my Mum didn't know. Tge minute she found out he was gone it royally fecked me up , do not do that to your child. Even if ye wasn't abusive to her, I don't understand why you would stay another second with a peice of shit like that. Money, business is all sortable, the effect on your children won't be if you don't act now.

This is entirely your fault. How could you allow him to abuse your children like that? This is just awful to read.

Are you waiting for your boyfriend to do more harm to them is that why you're staying? And, you still call him your partner. Just bizarre.

Leave

Can you imagine how trapped your DD feels being so unhappy AND seeing her mum hurt. Her precious childhood. I could cry for her🥲🥲 this will have lasting problems for her.

I don’t understand why you’re even questioning this? Get both of your children away from this abuser, now.

Realistically, this situation has already inflicted cumulative trauma and stress on your DD, which will almost certainly have a longer-term impact. You have not protected her and have prioritised your need for a relationship above her safety, wellbeing, and emotional health. She will almost certainly be angry about that at some point in the future. Just how bad the long-term outlook for your DD and relationship will be is likely dependent on

• how much longer you stay. It’s time to tell her enough is enough, no one in the household deserves the way they are being treated by your partner, and you are sorry for not protecting her sooner. Then act on that and protect your child. The longer you stay, the worse the outcome for her as an individual (and DD2), as well as your relationship with her.
• arrange for trauma informed counselling for her asap. When you have left and things are settled, you will need family counselling to look at relationship repair.
• be prepared that you are going to need to hear some really really hard truths from her at some point in the future about how badly you failed her. You will need to strengthen yourself to hear these without defensiveness and to then apologise without reservation.
• your DD is going to have a lot of trauma about this. Until she is an adult and has moved out of home, under no circumstances should you re-partner in any serious way. Maybe she can know you casually date someone, but that’s as far as her exposure should go.

If you aren’t willing to leave in the near future (I.e sometime this year), I’d be giving very serious consideration to whether she would be better off living with her father or another family member until you are ready and willing to prioritise her.

You have a short window to recover this, OP. Your eldest daughter is unhappy and all she sees is a mother she loves and trusted keep her in this state of fear and unhappiness.

You have to leave, there is no other way, he will not change. Please get advice and support from Women's Aid on how best to do this.

I'm really sorry, you don't deserve this to happen to you but you must put your children first; they definitely don't deserve to be subjected to this man in their home. I would also look into therapy for eldest daughter and myself.

Your poor daughter, I hope she is able to find peace as an adult and, as so many abused children do, end up being a victim her whole life.

I know it's difficult to leave emotionally , financially etc , but you have to get your daughter out of there.

This.

Plus why are you prioritising DD2 over DD1?

The abuse of DD1 here should be your biggest concern. Like this poster I suspect there are a hell of a lot of empty threats to control you.

Nothing here says you love him.

Your soul reasons for stayed are emotional blackmail and the business.

This is not healthy.

I missed that your child is in therapy at school and that you weren't aware of this? How devastating for your daughter.

Once you've contacted Women's Aid, would it be an idea to get in touch with your daughter's school to update them on what's happening? Sooner rather than later.

Firstly it is evident that a lot of the posters giving you advice have never been in an abusive relationship. To the poster who said this is entirely your fault. Seriously educate yourself?!

if leaving an abusive relationship was as easy as leaving we would all leave at the first sign of abuse.

it is a really positive step that you recognise you need to leave. I suggest you get in touch with women’s aid, they can help you to leave safely and detach your life from him both emotionally and financially. At the very least, make the call. Get some advice. You will only leave when you love yourself and your children more than him. I don’t have children but I’m told the love for a child is like nothing you’ve ever known, I hope that’s your strength to get out.

they will also help you with ensuring you get contact with your shared child. Given his behaviour it is entirely possible his contact will be supervised and his custody dream is not attainable or realistic.

make the call, make the plans. My inbox is always open because I actually understand and I don’t think it is your fault you’re being abused.

As others have said you need out of this relationship. Your children need love and care and be nurtured into adults, neither of them will do well growing up in that type of environment and itlll lead to so much pain. It's scary being alone I'm sure, but it's the job of a parent to recognise what's wrong and you've
Done that already, you just need to execute the plan - good luck

This is very sad to read and I am sorry you are all experiencing it. Do you have much IRL support. My guess is not, which is how he has managed to pull the wool into you believing he’s a good dad to DD2.

It’s a complicated situation but you know you need to leave. Reach out to Women’s Aid, or your local DV services. There will be details on your council website - use an incognito browser if you don’t feel safe.

You and your children deserve a life away from this. They would both benefit from specialist support, which should be available through the local services. I’m glad your older daughter is getting counselling at school.

You already know that you need to leave. If you can't/won't do it for yourself, then please do it for your children. You are their mother, and it is your duty to protect them. Failing to do so will make you complicit in their abuse.

You and your children deserve better than this. No more excuses. Call women's aid today and get out as soon as you can. Your daughters need you to act now.

OP, contact Women's aid.

Your poor daughter.
What a truly horrific childhood.
I fear you will pay dearly and not see her for dust as soon as she can get away from you.
So sad.

Hopefully she will soon tell her teachers of the pure hell of her life so that she can be helped.
I'm sorry OP, but this is a child that has endured a decade of abuse.
She will carry this for the rest of her life.
Please call Womens aid and tell the police the truth.

And I'm guessing you wasn't the child being abused because your own mother wouldn't protect you. So sorry if we don't feel sorry for a grown ass adult in this situation

Seriously? She’s a victim she needs support. Don’t talk on things you don’t understand.

"I am very protective"

No you're not. You've done nothing to protect her.

Contact Women’s Aid and know that you are able to leave him. It’s difficult to hear ‘they’re a good dad to X’ when actually good dads don’t abuse their children’s mother or make other children feel unhappy or make that child feel scared. Sounds like everyone will be safer and happier in the long term when the relationship is over and you are safely away from him.
Wishing you love and luck and strength.

Same to you do you have any idea how damaging child abuse is

Her DD is the biggest victim here.

Yes I do. Both myself and my brother were exposed to child abuse by my step brother. But I also have a very good idea of how powerful the abuser can be in keeping you in a relationship. Telling the op she is no good, a failure, at fault, enabling abuse, etc etc, is not going to help her take the steps she needs to leave. She knows, she absolutely knows it’s not right, but she’s been ground down and probably made to believe she’s fucking crazy that she has no idea what to do because her abuser has made her so fucking dependent on him. So rather than blame her (when it’s not her fault) I’d rather encourage her to take some positive steps and hand hold her to getting help than tearing her down. Because after all, leaving is not as easy as just going in the small of the night with the kids.

but hey tear her down and verbally abuse her some more, sure that will be really useful for her finding safety for her and her daughters 👍🏼👍🏼

"Easier said than done"

I've never really understood this argument. You bought this man into you and your child's life. You have a responsibility. Bet he showed these traits before you had a child with him but you just blindly carried on

Nothing is hard when it comes to protecting your children

Leaving seems scary. But the thought of staying should scare you more