My child hates my partner

[Purplepixie1]

I don’t really know where to start with this… I met my partner when my DD1 was 3, it had been just the two of us since she was 1, we moved in together a year later and had a child DD2, a few years after that. We are not married and my DD1 sees her father every other weekend.
There have been a catalogue of issues over the years that have caused my DD1 to dislike him, he has a temper on him and we have had a very turbulent relationship. He has shouted and yelled at her multiple times, made her feel stupid and blamed her for things that wasn’t her fault. I’ve caught him saying nasty things to her behind my back, name calling etc. He also favourites his child over her which has caused so many arguments between us and as a result I am very protective of her and jump in the moment he says anything which causes more arguments between us. He has been very heavy handed with our dog in the past, has called me names constantly in front of her. Separately to all this a few years ago he pushed me backwards really hard (like a rugby tackle) and broke my wrist, he was arrested but I didn’t press charges and he apologised and has since gone to therapy. (My DDs don’t know about the wrist incident and think I fell over).

I have recently found a journal from my DD1 saying how unhappy she is. How she hates him and doesn’t want to be here anymore. She is in therapy at school but hasn’t told me, and talks about how she has trauma from past events. It has absolutely broken my heart and I feel so much guilt for letting it get to this stage.

I know I need to leave but I am so scared and don’t know how to do it. We are not married but very entwined with a joint business together, mortgage etc. He has also said in arguments that he will take DD2 with him if we were to separate which kills me.

I also feel torn that I would be taking DD2 away from him, she loves him so much and although he has a temper and has scared her a few times with shouting and swearing etc he is a good dad to her and she adores him.

He has been in therapy the last few months and is trying to make changes.. he has been better recently but he is one of those personalities that will always over dramatise everything. He is also very opinionated, says racist remarks, swears in front of the kids and isn’t able to control it very well.

From the outside people that we know all like him… he is the life and soul of the party, outgoing, will do anything for anyone, a popular ‘nice’ guy.

I know I am probably going to get slated for not leaving sooner but it is easier said than done and it is so easy to make excuses for his behaviour and carry on but now I feel like I am losing my DD1 and I can’t bear the thought of this damaging our relationship forever.

I was the child in this scenario. My mother never left and the things I was subjected to were truly horrendous. I grew up scared and sad.

When I reached my early twenties i realised I could never forgive her and physically couldn't take it any longer and went no contact with her to start my life afresh. That was over ten years ago. Will never have anything to do with her ever, ever again.

Think about it op.

My mother refused to do anything about my extremely abusive stepfather and we are completely NC now.
I felt if my mother would not protect me from that man then she isn't a mother and I don't need her in my life.
Do you want that?
She's old now and is on her own having completely alienated me.
What court do you think would award custody to a violent man and take DD2 away from her sibling. None is the answer to that one.
It's time to break up with this person. For your children and don't rush into any more relationships before you have had counselling.

I was also this child except I got lucky I got taken into care but also have no contact with my mum she made her choice it's her loss she has 2 beautiful granddaughters she's never met

@Purplepixie1 is he aggressive. scary, loud and shouting swearing at work...

I'm really sorry that you're going through this, OP 🙏 However it's urgent you prepare things to leave this man. He doesn't have a temper: he is abusive and a danger to your daughters, even to the one he favours. Please look for support and keep it hidden from him until you're out of there, safe, with your daughters. Your DD1 is wise. Children know how to spot a rotten soul. Seek help from Women's Aid or similar. You deserve a peaceful and safe life. Your daughters deserve a mother who protects them and ensure that kind of life for them too. I sincerely wish you the best 🙏🍀💐

OP, your husband doesn't need therapy - he needs locking up. Get yourself, the kids and the dog away from him. He isn't a great dad, he's a violent unstable sorry excuse for a human being. You will irreparably damage your children if you don't and it might be worse than a broken wrist for you next time.

@Purplepixie1 you have become so acclimatised to the abuse, you have normalised it and justified your inaction to yourself. Believe me, it happened to me which is why I’m begging you to speak to women’s aid and get the hell away from this aggressive abusive excuse for a man. You know that a man who displays such a temper it terrifies his children is NOT a good father by anyone’s standards. My father was exactly like this. I lived in absolute terror throughout my childhood. I lived wondering if the next violent outburst was going to be the one that killed me. I can’t even begin to tell you how that has shaped the person I am today. I’m 64 years old and my father is long dead but I still suffer ptsd symptoms today. It’s no different to people who have returned from war! My husband drops a pan on the kitchen and i feel sick to my stomach, my heart races, my stomach churns, my mouth goes dry and my hands tremor. I’ve had years of therapy. Please don’t allow this to become your children’s lives. Stop justifying and leave.

He is an abuser. She hates him because he is abusing you all.

But you recognise this. What you really need is a plan of action to help you get yourself and the kids away from him. It won't be easy but you can do it.

And I disagree that you should just "leave". Leaving is unlikely to be straightforward. He is a violent man who has already hurt you and made threats against you. It's not improbable that deciding to leave will put you and the children in danger. You need to seek professional advice and help... You shouldn't do this on your own.

Everyone always worries that their child will be unhappy not seeing the other parent as much, but the short term unhappiness is FAR outweighed by the long term damage exposure to a man like that and abuse like this will do to them. If your girls end up with a man like him you will never forgive yourself - you have the strength, you will find it to get you and your girls out of there. You can do this. You will live peacefully again, and your girls will too. You can do this. Please ring Women's Aid.

I agree.

My brother was a bit of a lazy parent and him and his ex absolutely hated each other (she cheated on him).

But when she got into a relationship with an abusive man (never towards the DD) she told my brother who immediately stepped up and said he’d have full custody of their DD until she was able to leave.
He even offered to help her move out.

They still dislike each other and she now is back being the RP but both of them could see how the DD was better off out of that home.

OP your DD will leave that home one way or another.
She will either be taken off of you, be harmed/harm herself or you can choose to remove her from the situation.

Right now you are doing irreversible damage by keeping her in such an awful situation.

The best thing you can do is call women’s aid and leave with both kids.

DD2 can still have a good relationship with her dad without living with him 24/7.

This .... and I just want to add that the Dogs Trust run a scheme called Freedom where you dog can be fostered until you are safe in a new home.

What the fuck am I reading? Your daughter is going to hate you big time, and rightly so. Letting a man emotionally abuse her… I am speechless.

I also feel torn that I would be taking DD2 away from him, she loves him so much and although he has a temper and has scared her a few times with shouting and swearing etc he is a good dad to her and she adores him.

She is probably also terrified of him so this manifests in an 'adoring' persona as in her fear and confusion she seeks to protect herself.

OP, there is nothing you can do about the past, but you are very much in control of the future. Should you not act immediately, you deserve to lose both daughters.

Yes. It's always worth remembering that an abuser can NEVER be a good father.

I agree. I can’t believe you are enabling this abuse to your DD. You need to put your DD’s first now

Mums have had their DCs removed for less.

If social services knew the whole truth they'd be giving g you an ultimatum.

Get evidence so he does t get contact with dd2 and go back to the police and say you want to press charges about the assault.

Your have allowed your daughter to be abused, sorry no compassion here.

Set a date even if you need a little longer while ypu save abit ect,ring womans aid,get all your important letters&documents and leave when he goes to work or shopping ect!
As hard as this is for you,leaving him will be the best thing you do for all three of you!

Many good points here.

You don't say how old your daughter is, but sounds like she's maybe late primary age at least. For the school to put her into therapy and not tell you seems odd to me, so perhaps she's older.

If you really don't think you can get him out or get yourselves out immediately, then if she's old enough, I'd sit her down and tell her that you realise how bad things are, apologise, and tell her you are going to put an end to this. She needs some light at the end of this horrendous tunnel.

Of course, then you absolutely have to stick to your word.

I've been this kid. My first thought when my mum died when I was 10 years old was "What is my life going to be like now? This man doesn't even like me". So I'm very glad to see her dad is still in her life. Can you ask him to have her for a week or two while you sort things out?

Jesus, another woman not putting their child first.

You should have the moment he was abusive towards your daughter.

You’ve allowed her to be abused!! Give your head a wobble and get your children out of there.

Letting him move in within a year is way too soon when you have a DC

Op you have had lots of excellent advice now do the right thing and leave. You may have already damaged your relationship with dd1 for life.
If in the future she asks why you let this happen to her, what will you say?
Your children cannot protect themselves you must.
If he has already broken your wrist what next?

You don’t leave, he does:

Go to the police and get a restraint order.

You are damaging your children if you don’t. They deserve better than growing up in a home where they feel frightened.