Advice on dating a man with a small child?

[Terpsichore24]

Firstly I’ve met an incredible man absolutely falling in love.
He has a 4yr old adorable son and is coparenting quite amazingly with his ex.

They’ve been divorced for years and split the week parenting, she’s remarried recently and I’m completely happy with their dynamic.

I’m 24 and he’s 34, I would like any tips and advice on how I should be navigating our relationship. I’ve never dated a man who’s coparenting such a young child and I’m really keen have my ducks in a row when if comes to step-parenting, navigating our relationship (in terms of when to introduce what kind of boundaries I should be setting etc)

It’s not that I don’t trust him to lead and set the dynamic but rather I want to have my own solid ideas and suggestions of how things should go aswell as a realistic grasp of the obstacles I could face.
please do share any advice tips or stories! x

Well you don’t want either of you to lead any factor in your relationship, it has to be equal.

I might be wrong but you sound very keen to involve yourself. You are in the early stages of a relationship, so your involvement in his child should be nearly nil. If he tries to use you as childcare in the guise of wanting you around - that is a red flag. If you happen to be around at the same time be kind and friendly but don’t overdo it. Some men in his position are looking for a girlfriend/nanny, and that’s not good for you or the little boy.

In a couple of years you may become slightly more involved. I am a SM of about 15 years, these days it has advanced to an involved aunt role, but that was very gradual.

As the years role by, you will gradually get to know their parenting style, and how much you want to do. If you do - not now, but eventually - take a part in their care then you have to have authority, but that does not make your their parent. Never involve yourself in your partner and his ex’s relationship, and do not get involved in communicating with her until you are years in if ever.

But right now I would back off. You are falling in love and that’s great, but it doesn’t mean you are going to be in a long term relationship, so it simply doesn’t involve his child for now.

How long have you been together?

Have you known him for long?

He and his wife can't have been "divorced for years" if the child is only four.

How quickly did he introduce you to the "adorable" little boy?

The child won't be adorable when you try to discipline him, by the way.

It strikes me that you're already looking at this as a long term relationship. At your age, that's foolish. You'll want your own children eventually, and the dynamic will rapidly change.

Have a read of the step-parenting boards on here.

Eye-opening.

We’ve only been dating for a couple of months but feelings are getting stronger so I thought I’d come on here and get some advice beforehand rather than mess it all up and need advice after!

To clarify I haven’t met his son and won’t be meeting him until we’re serious!

So the ex wife actually divorced him 3 years ago the divorce was finalised very quickly she’s since remarried..

I definitely want to be married soon and to start having kids in the next couple of years. I’m ready for that chapter he also wants more children soon too.

the point you made about discipline is interesting that’s why I’m on here really want to navigate this in the best way and prep myself :)

Nrp guilt is a real thing.... Especially if you have dc together

Yes you’re rught! I really don’t want to prematurely involve myself. I will reign it in although I’m super excited to meet his son I will definitely not suggest/talk about it until we’ve gotten to know eachother more. But so far so good, thanks for the keeping me grounded :)

I've only been a step-parent to adult children (which has been a really rewarding experience) , which is very different, but have had two significant relationships since leaving my daughter's dad (she is 12 now and was about 5 when we split) so I have seen it more from the other side....

As a parent, I am very clear that I am not expecting any partners to play any kind of faux parenting role in my daughter's life. For that reason I am fairly slow to introduce (was with my current partner a year before he met her) but I don't think it's necessarily wrong to meet the child sooner, as long as you aren't foisted upon them as a sort of mother substitute - but just introduced as dad's girlfriend, in the same way he might introduce any other friend to his son, is fine.

I would try to avoid any situations where you are looking after the little boy yourself, as it's such a minefield - things like feeding, rules and boundaries etc - everyone has different ideas. And generally I would say try to avoid any kind of judgement of how the boy's mom and dad are raising him, as they won't take kindly to that. (Tho in this case it may come to a point where you yourself want kids with this man, in which case you will need to have some kind of say in the child reading, as both kids will need to be treated equally).

Honestly, I see you are trying to get kind, sensible and mature here, but I would just focus on the relationship with the guy for now - there is plenty of time to get to know his son if you get to the point of deciding to live together, but surely that won't be for a year or two?

Good luck.!

You sound a bit giddy and excited and early in a relationship that's sweet. But, when kids are involved it is more complicated.
My top tips- your DP should always put his child first, not to say you should accept crumbs but be prepared to compromise.
Step parenting is not equal parenting. Think of it more like you are there to support your partner and his parenting not insert yourself. Especially with such a little boy. Mum will probably always be the primary carer.
Wait quite a long time before you meet them. All/most dialogue and organising should be between Mum and Dad.
And in all of this - don't forget yourself and your own identity and needs.

My advice?

Don't do it.

I would never ever date a man, don't care how fabulous he is, who has young children.

Can't think of anything worse than spending my precious down time with someone else's child. I get paid to do that, I'm not doing it in my free time too.

She's not asking you to date him...

@Pandasnacks

The title is 'Any advice on dating a man with a small child?'

My advice is - don't do it.

Honestly you are 24, you have time for everything, don’t rush into anything with a man ten years older than you and with a child. Kids are bloody difficult. Right now it’s ok because you aren’t involved but it can quickly get messy. I just wouldn’t do it. I would have a very careful read on the step-parent boards, it’s a challenging role to take on and there can be many pitfalls.

If you want to be married soon & having kids in a couple if years then this man is not for you.

In fact I'd be telling him to run far & run fast.

You & him.shouldn't even be thinking about you meeting his son for at least 6 months.....and I would go so far as go day at least 12 months. Then only the briefest of meetings.....days out 6-12 months later & not even thinking about living together for another 3-5 years.

His son is the most important person in his life. Or should be. If he isn't then he isnt a good father.

Short answer: find someone closer to your age who doesn’t have so much baggage

long answer: because he is more established in his career and because you need to have babies soon, you will always be behind him financially. You will be the perfect built in caregiver for his son. Your career will always come second . You will be compromising your job for your own child anyway, so what is one more in the mix? He will be free to work, earn, pay into his pension, and advance his career. If you ever divorce, you will be left with reduced earning capacity, a small pension, and a giant hole in your heart because you lose access to the child you helped raise.

I had a fairly broad criteria for men at 24, but not having kids was high up there. I agree with a pp- find one with fewer complications. I had no desire at 24 to be a potential step parent.

i don’t think you read my post properly AT ALL. I’m literally asking for advice to ensure we do what’s best for his child! im looking for advice to do things right I’m not suggesting I’m taking any steps yet!

I didn’t want a man with kids either but his situation/dynamic is ideal as could be. He’s also not the average man. This is the only “imperfect” part of his life.

Do you know why he split up with the other of his child op?

*m

Oh yes of course that was the first question I asked!
Ultimately a lot of little things happened and she just wanted out. The divorce was finalised within months it was very ambicable.
I have told him if he’s lied about the details (which I don’t think he has) then I would immediately leave.

I suggest you spend a long weekend reading this board and ask yourself do you want this amount of baggage at 24? You keep saying things like married soon and children in the next couple of years which is going to force a relationship with his child fast too. I am unsure of the general rule of thumb but at the very least you shouldn't be meeting his child until a year in bare minimum. Plus you really need to know someone before you marry them. I am not a step parent but I know several people who are but they also have their own children too before they met their now husbands.

Just because things are going swimmingly now with his ex doesn't mean that things will continue to do once you are firmly on the scene so or that the child will be accepting of you with his Dad. Personally if you were my daughter and you could be as my son is 3 years younger than you I would be telling you to open your eyes to this. I could never be with someone who had children with another person before me. I wanted my first born to be Dh's first born. Not the complicated blended family that can ensue. You asked for advice, this is mine.

Why would you need to change how he parents his child?

If you were my daughter op, I would be urging you to find out a bit more about what the little things were.

As an older woman, I can tell you that there are potential red flags all over this. Potential, so not necessarily, maybe he's wonderful.

But, the age gap isn't good. It's a power imbalance. You are very excited about him, as 24 year olds are, it's an exciting time, but that leaves you very vulnerable.

Just go carefully. Slowly.

I am close with my SC, which I think is a rarity (from what I have read online and what I have read in the book “Stepmonster” by Wednesday Martin - HIGHLY recommend.)

We waited almost 2 years before I met them, I always treat their mother with respect and NEVER bad mouth her, I have never asked them to call me anything other than my name, I have my own life away from them. And, above all else, my husband and I service our relationship in order to best service our family. We take the time to talk and listen.

I do provide childcare, taxi services, supply pocket money and occasionally dole out discipline where required - so I do break many of the MN step parenting golden rules.

These are my practical answers to your questions. My absolute bottom line however is this… you’re young and he’s not. Kids are hard work and step kids are even harder. Give this some real thought. We aren’t trying to spoil your good time, we just speak from real experience. It is never the life you think you’re signing up for.