Advice on dating a man with a small child?

[Terpsichore24]

Firstly I’ve met an incredible man absolutely falling in love.
He has a 4yr old adorable son and is coparenting quite amazingly with his ex.

They’ve been divorced for years and split the week parenting, she’s remarried recently and I’m completely happy with their dynamic.

I’m 24 and he’s 34, I would like any tips and advice on how I should be navigating our relationship. I’ve never dated a man who’s coparenting such a young child and I’m really keen have my ducks in a row when if comes to step-parenting, navigating our relationship (in terms of when to introduce what kind of boundaries I should be setting etc)

It’s not that I don’t trust him to lead and set the dynamic but rather I want to have my own solid ideas and suggestions of how things should go aswell as a realistic grasp of the obstacles I could face.
please do share any advice tips or stories! x

"I have told him if he’s lied about the details (which I don’t think he has) then I would immediately leave."

If someone said this to me at the start of a relationship I'd think it time to leave. It sounds like a threat. "lied about the details", maybe some of the details are none of your business?

Oh. My. God.

So you already don't really trust him.

I mean my advice would be to find someone closer to your age and baggage free but I suspect you wouldn’t heed that advice no matter how many people say it,

So I will say remember that this is a real living breathing child, you sound almost giddy about trying to get involved like a child wanting to play mummies and daddies.

He’s also not the average man. This is the only “imperfect” part of his life

He absolutely is just an average man.
And the imperfect part of his life is very much the most important.
You're being very naive.

And also he isn’t Mr Perfect, nobody is perfect. Maybe two months in you may be naive enough to describe him having a child as his only imperfection(horrible way to word it btw). He is an average man just one who likes to date much younger women who are at a very different life stage to him.

Woah
Slow down. You're 24 in a brand new relationship. To be focused on the need to have kids within a couple of years is a recipe for disaster.

Do you work? Build your career, your pension, and your independent life. Think of kids in 5y+.

You sound like a lovely person with good intentions, but if you were my daughter I've got be honest I would be worried.

I've been a step mum for 20 years and it's one of the hardest things I've ever done. It means compromising every aspect of your life to the demands of a child that isn't yours and potentially the ex wife.

Everything looks good now but to be honest you're a novelty at the moment not a permanent fixture.

Breaking it down:

Financially you'll never be able to make a decision without factoring in child maintenance, additional costs and future financial support. Any maternity leave you have can be impacted by existing financial pressures. You may need to work full time rather than part time. There are real practicalities that can cause resentment long term.

Family dynamics, you have an idealistic image in your mind of being able to make things go smoothly by preparing and positive thinking but this just isn't the case. His child may not like you once they start to rrally adjust to the situation, he may be jealous if you had another child with their dad which doesnt go away, dad may actively chose his son over any kids you have together (NRP Disney dad guilt can be very strong). Just because his mums got a new husband doesn't mean it will go smoothly your end.

You're so young to be saddling yourself with this situation. If you're really determined to go forward with this then take it very very slowly.

Do you live together yet? how long have you been together?

I'd also encourage you to take a step back and think hard about if this is what you want.

I wasn't in a dissimilar situation to you and fell completely head over heels with someone.
We have taken it slowly with my relationship with his children - I didn't meet them for over 2 years and a year on I still don't stay at his house when they are there.

To be clear - I love my partner and his children very much and I am happy but there are lots and lots of challenges, and there's lots of things I wish I'd thought about more carefully before entering into this relationship. While I would not look to change things now - it's not a situation I would recommend to other people. If your partner and his ex-wife are on good terms, then this is likely to make things slightly easier long-term.

Also, to add please, please don't end up being the unpaid nanny for your boyfriend.

A lot of men date younger women so they have childcare on tap for their social activities. The pattern generally is they love bomb you in the beginning, get you all starry eyed and then gradually train you into being the nanny, housekeeper and bed mate. There are loads of threads on the relationship board where women have ended up in this situation.

Also be careful about getting pregnant without marriage. Women can end up vulnerable financially in these scenarios where the man doesn't want to commit but is happy to have more kids.

Your situation is a cliché but there's always a grain of truth in clichés.

I'd be wondering why he's with someone so much younger?

You sound over excited and naive.

I had a friend in a similar situation. She ended up caring for the child on his days while he went out with his mates.

Dial it back, @Terpsichore24

It's only been eight weeks.

Much too soon to be thinking of marriage and more children at your age, with a boyfriend who is so much older than you, and who already has a child, who will always be his priority.

Op how do you know he is co-parenting amazingly with his ex if you haven't even met his son yet?

I would be very careful. They split when the little boy was 1. It usually takes more than lots of little things happening to break up a family when you have a one year old. I'm not saying this isn't the case but it seems a little unlikely to me.

Have you already spoken about marriage and children? It seems a bit early on in the relationship to be doing this. If you haven't how do you know he wants to get married again and have more children.

Are they parenting 50/50? Does his son stay with him overnight for half of the week?

I'm not saying don't do it but you need to be very cautious. I wouldn't be impressed if he introduced you to his son this early on. Very often men can be looking for a replacement to look after their child.

Are you in a job where you hope to develop your career? You need to think about this. As another PP has said your boyfriend will always have a financial commitment to his child and this could affect any future children you might have together.

It's not ideal and I would think very carefully but ultimately if you feel it is worth it then it is up to you.. Also be very sure of your contraception.

Ultimately a lot of little things happened and she just wanted out

That's his explanation

I'd be interested to hear hers

oh hell, is it only 8 weeks? I assumed longer than that.

@Terpsichore24 Calm down. Grow up. Slow down.

I definitely want to be married soon and to start having kids in the next couple of years. I’m ready for that chapter he also wants more children soon too

But you've only known this paragon of virtue for eight weeks!

Biggest question is how long have you been together?

I think he should lead in this situation. It's up to him when he introduces you to his child. If it's rather fast, I would be weary. He should want to make sure you are someone he would be okay having in his child's life. He should consider your stance on the situation as well. Such as are you ready to accept someone else's child. This whole situation is not something to be taken lightly.

I was with a man from the age of 23-28. He had a 4yo when we started dating. She was the best part of it all (he was horribly abusive). It's not always awful. I have my own child now and am single, and interestingly would prefer to date a man without children. Not because the kids are an issue, but working around two kids' schedules would be a pain.

Honestly, I would just go with the flow. Don't meet the kid until a year or so in. Don't worry about dynamics etc until then. It's not your place and realistically you should be following his lead re his child.

If I could go back and advise my 25 year old, perky boobed self when I met my husband with a 4 year old DC, I’d say RUN FOR THE HILLS

To clarify I haven’t met his son and won’t be meeting him until we’re serious!

In seriousness OP, I think this is a huge mistake. How can you assess what the dynamics will be like, how your partner parents and what life will look like as a SM if you don’t meet his child and see it all in practice until you’re already head over heels?

This was a mistake I made. I was so deeply in love when I met his son that I was absolutely determined to make it work and yes, ten years on, it sort of has but if I’d known then what I do now I’d have doubtless made different choices.

This is where people are very hypocritical IMO. You can’t possibly, intrinsically know what you’re “letting yourself in for” if you don’t see for yourself what that is.

How your OH parents, his values how they align with yours, how much he respects your views and outlook towards children, the dynamics when you’re all together and how he co-parents with his ex are all absolutely crucial in determining whether this is a relationship that will serve YOU too.

It’s too late, IMO, to find that out when you’re already very emotionally invested - by that point you’re in too deep.

His son will meet friends and acquaintances ALL the time. If you keep it casual and discreet there’s no reason you can’t hang out and get to know him a little.

You sound really excited and a little bit naive (I am sorry!) - to be fair, I was exactly like that at your age.

You've only known him for a few months and you are already thinking about marriage and kids. It's way too soon, even if he didn't have a child.

Why are you in such a rush to have kids already? And especially with someone who you don't know that well yet.

Do you know his ex? Or how are you certain that they co parent amicably?

At 24, i would never have dreamed of dating a man with kids. Why would you? My firm advice would be to find a man without kids, so it's all new for both of you, you aren't tied to living in one area, and don't have to do this juggling.
At 34, I wasn't even considering men with kids.

I'd only contemplate it if I was 40+ and my own ship had sailed on having my own kids.

if he was so special he would still be with his child’s mother

it’s been 8 weeks. You shouldn’t have even met this child. Utterly shite parenting

he wants a hot young nanny OP. Wise up.

I’m not asking to go faster but like I said, looking for advice on how to navigate the situation when it comes. I have no idea and would like advice from women who have been in that situation

I met my now husband 15 odd years ago. He had a 2.5yr old which I didn't know when we first met on a night out.

I don't mind people thinking it's stupid but I fell in love with him fairly quickly. I knew how much I liked him, I knew about his child soon, so I had to really think about whether it was a long term thing. I had a split family and had experience of "step parents" Coming and going. This was the 1980s, so it wasn't a time when I think people were more aware of the impact on their own children of divorce. The first thing my now husband and i did was sit down and talk and decide that we wanted to give a relationship a go properly.
Next, we spent the time we could together over 6 to12 was months to work out how we work together. Only when we had really got to know each other, and been clear about wanting to be in a proper relationship together, which looked like it had a long term potential did we talk about anything really to do with me meeting his child. ( I have only called them child for anonymity.). My advice would be.I don't think there's anything wrong with dating somebody who has children, My experience has been wonderful. We now have two children and we're married and we have a blended family, which works well. We really took things slow though. For the eldest, I really wanted to make sure that things were as consistent as they could be.. Even though she was very young, we agreed that I wouldn't really have a role in disciplining or making decisions for them. They have a mum and dad for these things.. I worked to build up a good relationship with their mum so that we all got along for the benefit of the child. Also as other people i've mentioned, I was older when I met husband in my thirties and I knew that I wanted to settle down and maybe have a family so him having a child was not something that I felt would change the way I wanted to live my life. In short, a child fitted into our lives well..
The child is questioned is seventeen now.. I hope to think that we are good friends. I am in some ways like a parent. Giving support where it's asked for and advice, and also occasionally being a taxi service.. I still don't do any of the disciplining, but if they ask, I'll tell them my opinion about what I think about things they do ..even if that sometimes does feel like me telling them the things aren't great that they may have done.. If this happens, though, I'll try and couch it in a very human way..
I agree with post above. Kids are hard work at times, amazing as well.. You do need to kind of know that you want of that commitment and then being in your lives, as it will change quite a bit.
Apologies is a long post, but I hope what i've said helps from experience a little..