Advice on dating a man with a small child?

[Terpsichore24]

Firstly I’ve met an incredible man absolutely falling in love.
He has a 4yr old adorable son and is coparenting quite amazingly with his ex.

They’ve been divorced for years and split the week parenting, she’s remarried recently and I’m completely happy with their dynamic.

I’m 24 and he’s 34, I would like any tips and advice on how I should be navigating our relationship. I’ve never dated a man who’s coparenting such a young child and I’m really keen have my ducks in a row when if comes to step-parenting, navigating our relationship (in terms of when to introduce what kind of boundaries I should be setting etc)

It’s not that I don’t trust him to lead and set the dynamic but rather I want to have my own solid ideas and suggestions of how things should go aswell as a realistic grasp of the obstacles I could face.
please do share any advice tips or stories! x

Yes it does, when there's an already existing child involved.

OP in the nicest way you are living in a fantasy if you are thinking about marriage with someone you’ve known for 8 weeks, and that’s even without the divorce and the kid.

I don’t mean it’s a fantasy as in it couldn’t happen - I mean it’s a fantasy as in you do not know who this man is. You are experiencing the rush of chemicals that people call falling in love/the honeymoon period. It is not love, and it isn’t the friendship and partnership negotiation you need to run a marriage, and that’s without stepkids.

I didn’t say getting married in a year is a good idea, and I doubt anyone else did either. It’s a basic period of time before which you shouldn’t spend any significant time with his kid because you hardly know each other.

The fact his ex has behaved badly by jumping into a marriage is no reason for him to. The pair of them already have form for fast marital breakdown, which makes it more likely it will happen again and they should take future partnerships slowly. None of this is fair on this kid.

'I’m not living in a fantasy we both want children soon and to be married even sooner. I just recognise he’s a really special guy.'

This is a MAHOUSIVE red flag in his situation. Massive.

He is without doubt love bombing you now. A good father would not be rushing this at all. He would be making sure, and it is only time that gives you this answer, that you are the right one for him before letting you establish a relationship with a young child.

Please have a big read of the step parenting board op. You will have post after post after post of step mums who hate having their step kids over. It is the same tale every time. We fell in love so fast. No you didn't. And the more experienced posters will chime in with the sane thing - he saw you coming.

Op. He will not go for someone his own age. Do you know why? They will see through this love chat future faking easily. You won't, not experienced enough. He wants to get you pregnant as quick as possible so that you can also look after his child so he doesn't have to bother.

If you don't believe me, all of us, then just wait a little, slow it down, see how he reacts to that.

It’s not wrong if you are sure and sensible, I’m not moving in tomorrow but yes we plan to marry and have start having our own children within the next few of years aslong as things keep going this way.
sometimes we just know

He isn't special op, he is just a guy, a divorced guy who parents part time and seems to be love bombing a woman 10 years younger than himself with talks of kids and marriage.....

He sounds like a creep, please take a step back there's no need to rush anything and if we're all wrong and he is amazing and this is an instance of " sometimes you just know " then there's no harm in taking your time.

OP, no one can make sure and sensible plans for a relationship with someone they’ve been dating for 8 weeks. You don’t know him, you are just being rushed with chemicals.

He may well be a love bomber as Pp says, or perhaps he wants help with his kid, or is just daft, or wants to prove to his ex that his life has moved on too.

But no responsible parent would be planning a long term relationship with someone they’ve known for 8 weeks, so whatever his reasons are they aren’t good.

The whole marry and have kids at 8 weeks before you have met the child is pretty selfish. That child has to deal with their family splitting, mum remarrying, now you will soon be on the scene. Their whole short life has been an influx of change.

You need for the child's sake to start taking things a lot slower. My SS in particular had such a hard time getting used to changes. I would say it took him 2 years to finally feel comfortable with our blended situation. And that two years was difficult, lots of lashing out, upset, anger, hurt from him. He has settled he is definitely a lot happier, but it took a lot of work from everyone around him to reach that goal.

First the child's sake he needs to meet you when you and your partner have firm foundations, based on real life experiences rather than a fanciful future.

My own child I introduced her to three men before my husband, I am thankful she never got too attached, but in hindsight I really wished I had waited longer. Each of those men were going to be a forever, but the forever had no solid foundations just a hope and a prayer.

its not that he’s planning anything but he’s made it clear that if things keep going in this direction XYZ will happen?.. I’m not sure what the issue is!..

I was leaning more to this side too. Totally agree in us building a foundation together before introducing (as a girlfriend atleast)

i made this thread to get advice so I can do things the right way.

Absolutely do not do this. The sparkle will fade quick enough and what you'll be left with is weekends and holidays with someone else's child, not seeing your partner on Christmas morning, paying more into the household budget than he does, always being second fiddle. All these things are right and proper if he is a good dad but you deserve to come first in your partner/future husband's life.

That’s the problem, you can’t see any possible issue and that’s where it’s concerning from an outsider looking in. There is not any part of you that is taking an objective view.

are you close to your mum? Have a chat with her, see what she thinks.

or you could just ignore every bit of advice you asked for because it doesn’t suit your mind go for it. You’ll sink or you’ll swim but, if you sink, be prepared to be a single mum 27 divorced and let’s hope if it goes this way he manages to be an amazing co parent to two children

Your naïveté is astounding, OP.

You are far too young for this and it shows in your posts. If you had any sense, you’d not even consider marrying and having children until a long long way in the future…. His child matters.

To be totally blunt, you sound like you’re being lovebombed. Stay cautious.

Oh heavens. Please educate yourself on love bombing and narcissists at the very least.

I have a similar age gap with dh. I met him when I thought I was old and mature but in hindsight, was v young. Everything felt right from the start. We holidayed together after 4 months. Moved in after 8 or so.

But.

Neither of us had kids. Neither of us owned our own home. Neither of us were thinking long term and both of us could get out as quickly as we got in. I was younger than him but earned the same, thanks to v different career choices.

We have been together over 20 years now, but we didn't talk marriage until a year or so in. And we didn't talk children until we'd tried pets. And we could do this, because we only had to think about ourselves. Equally, when we decided to have kids, part of the excitement was the unknown and going through that together.

No I’m of course taking heed of the advice I’ve read on here and I’m very grateful for all the responses.

i just don’t think wanting marriage and kids is a red flag/ dating someone and saying that you would want marriage with them sooner rather than later if things keep progressing?

dating for years and years without getting married doesn’t align with my values or desires.

i would like to start having children at 27 in an ideal world

It is after 8 weeks!
How on earth can you know someone that we'll after 8 weeks? How many female friends became your best friend in 8 weeks?

It’s not normal for a 34 year old divorcee with a young child to have conversations like this with a much younger woman he’s been dating for 8 weeks. It’s a huge red flag.

I understand you can’t see it right now, but that is a symptom of your youth and inexperience - hopefully all the excitement will die down in a bit and it will be clearer.

In the meantime try and really absorb what’s being said to you on this thread, rather than cherry pick an out of context line from a post, and thank the poster without paying attention to what they are saying overall, which is what you are currently doing a lot of.

After 8 weeks it is a red flag and I’m concerned you don’t see it, but don’t worry because I didn’t either. I just thought omg this man is my match, I love him so much, he’s going to be my happy ever after.

now I’m healing, now I see it was a red flag. It’s 50/50 with this man. He could be your forever person or he could be love bombing you and god knows what next.

im not telling you leave this man, im saying don’t believe everything your told. Time is on YOUR side, not his. Slow it down, see how he reacts.

I notice you didn’t respond about me asking if you’re close to mum and I don’t want to pry because she may not be around for one reason or another but if she is around, I fear your mum doesn’t know about this? Do you deep down know why you haven’t told your mum about this man you’re so sure of?

I think the fact the he's entertaining the idea of marriage with someone he's been dating for 8 weeks is a red flag in itself. Fine if he was child free but he has a young child to consider.

OP meaning this kindly but he’s a lot older than you, ten years is a massive gap. Meaning that he has now, and will always have, the upper hand over you of life experience, to the fullest extent of him having already been through huge life stages of LTRs, a marriage, his wife’s pregnancy and bringing up a young kid. That marriage fell apart very quickly, with a young child involved which is huge, I can’t believe the split would be ‘amicable’ when there’s a baby involved. And now he’s talking about wanting to have more kids when his first one is only aged 4? This is covered in emotional and practical red flags.

You thinking the only thing that’s ‘imperfect’ (your words) about this guy, is the fact he has a very young child, tells me you’re really not seeing this situation for what it is.

Why not be single and have fun, or look for a nice single guy your own age with no kids? Then you can enjoy yourself, devote your time to whatever interests you, gather life experience, become a mum or don’t become a mum, at a future time that suits you. Your adult life has barely begun at 24. If you were my friend, I’d be wondering why you wanted to be in this relationship at all.

This 💯

Dating for years and years without getting married doesn’t align with my values or desires

FFS you're a lost cause.

This man has truly found his dream woman.

He must be licking his lips because he's found someone naive enough to fall for his nonsense so quickly.

Eight weeks in, and he's got himself a future unpaid nanny for his child. All he has to do is get you pregnant ASAP and pretend he wants to marry you.

Wake up! He's using you. He isn't the man of your dreams. He's a user.

The fact you think he's perfect and are speaking as you are two months in, are the hugest signposts that you're too young to realise the implications of what you're about to let yourself in for.
I'd honestly be gutted if my 24 year old DD was considering a man that old with DC. Imagine all those 'firsts' in life, he's already been there and got the t-shirt. My BF and I met our partners at the same age. The difference was huge when it came to our weddings, the birth of our first child, etc. She never bonded with her DSS and it eventually lead to the breakdown of her relationship. He went on to marry and have another DC. Three DC by different DMs lead to even more complications.
If you choose to stay with him I'd not think about meeting DS for at least a year and not to plan your own DC for five, ypu'd still only be thirty. The divorce rates for second marriages is frightening and you're only 24.

I'll tell you why........

Because if it doesn't work (and many don't) then you are back to square one dating again. And then you introduce your kid to your next date after a month......and then that one doesn't work out. You might then get lucky with date no 3 and it lasts a few months.....maybe even 6. At which point your boyfriend has been staying over and your kids have seen him coming out of the bathroom in his underpants. A few months later and he's almost moved in & he's there when your kids come home from school......but you dont have time to talk about homework & stuff as he's there & you feel that he needs your attention more.

Ask me how I know & I'll tell you to speak to my kids about how this happened to them. My daughter might talk to you because she doesn't talk to her mum. Not for the past 6 years that is. My sons see their mum once every few months & have only stayed with her twice in that time. All because she put her love life (and I've chosen my words there carefully) over her children.