Advice on dating a man with a small child?

[Terpsichore24]

Firstly I’ve met an incredible man absolutely falling in love.
He has a 4yr old adorable son and is coparenting quite amazingly with his ex.

They’ve been divorced for years and split the week parenting, she’s remarried recently and I’m completely happy with their dynamic.

I’m 24 and he’s 34, I would like any tips and advice on how I should be navigating our relationship. I’ve never dated a man who’s coparenting such a young child and I’m really keen have my ducks in a row when if comes to step-parenting, navigating our relationship (in terms of when to introduce what kind of boundaries I should be setting etc)

It’s not that I don’t trust him to lead and set the dynamic but rather I want to have my own solid ideas and suggestions of how things should go aswell as a realistic grasp of the obstacles I could face.
please do share any advice tips or stories! x

I actually think you are right to have these conversations early. He has been married and has a child. There are some men in his situation that do not want to marry again and don't want more children. Seeing as this is something you know you want, it's better to know his intentions now so it wouldn't be wasting your time and energy getting involved in a relationship that you know wouldn't work long term.

As for meeting his child, 12 months seems to be the recommended time. If you want to be married and start having children by 27, that would give you 2 years of his child accepting you and getting used to you which I think is fair. It also gives you sufficient time to make sure he actually is as good a man as you believe at the moment. Defo don't rush into meeting his child, it'll hurt both you and the child!

Can you explain why you think he’s a good dad? Actual specific examples?

Im worried that you are not giving him the opportunity to show he is a good dad. You should not be suggesting any time frame to meet his child. He should be doing that. He is the father. You should be listening carefully to what he says and judging his character based on that. People are saying one year to give you advice. But if he doesn’t (without any input from you) suggest one year then you have information. And that information is that he is not the great dad you think he is.

Im also very sceptical of the whole “she just wanted out” The only women I know who have chosen to end a marriage with a very young child did so because their ex was abusive. In every other case, the woman has stayed longer than she should, trying to make it work. Of course they are amicable now, that’s not unusual where a woman is putting the welfare of her child first. It doesn’t mean that he did not treat her really badly in the past.

You need to slow right down. Don’t think at all about his son. Think about the core relationship between you and him. Also think about how you want your life to be. Do you currently live in a place you are happy with and want to stay in? Are your family close by?

As somebody who is much older I would caution you to think very long and hard about going foward with this relationship. You are 24 years old with all the options in the world. Why are you saddling yourself with a man 10 years older with a child? Ten years may seem fine now but when you are 34 and he is 44 it will feel a lot more noticeable. You will give up a great deal of freedom and money for a child that is not your own. Right now everything is new and giddy but that doesn't necessarily last and reality sinks in. Just what is exceptional about this 34 year old divorced father that makes you think you won't regret or be bitter about the sacrifices and compromises you will have to make with him.

Also if you never develop much of a career before you have children and are a SAHM you are putting yourself in a very vulnerable position should the marriage fail. It is much harder getting a career off the ground at 44 with still quite young children for example. He's already got one failed marriage with a child so not a stunning start is it?

You’ve had some good advice OP, you’ve also had alot of judgment and condescending comments. Just a note of caution - MN is very anti blended families and SM’s on here get attacked fairly frequently whatever the tone of their post. It’s a shame as I think there’s some good tokens of advice but a lot reads like an attack which completely discredits it.

I do think you’ve got a lot to think about and need to keep your guard up and put your own interests forward - it’s easy to put yourself second to a child who’s not your own in the interests of “doing the right thing for the child” but remember they’re not your child and this is your life so don’t allow yourself to be second best in your own narrative.

I would have a read about love bombing etc as I do think this is a concern here.

I don’t think 24 is too young to be thinking about your future and it’s good you have your own goals at the forefront. Just be wary you’re not so focused on your own goals that you’re not just excited that your OH can facilitate those - there are other men if you decide this isn’t for you.

Think about these things:

You'll probably never have a holiday alone together (beyond a few days break). Can't go travelling, can't have a spontaneous trip. Things when you're older you will wish you'd done.
Can't move area. Ever.
Your marital house would be their house
You'll spend half your free time with someone else's kid that you have no authority over. They may be cute, but other people's kids quickly become annoying, seem demanding. His parenting style may be worlds apart from how you would parent you might not even get to see it until you're already pregnant by him, by which time it's too late.
His child will always come first over you. Always.
No firsts together.
Your life will become a drudge of school runs, housework, going to kid friendly places.
Try spend time with a friend who has a child this age and imagine what it would be like to have your whole life now be centred around a child this age. Because thats the type of deal you're sleep walking into.

I’m not living in a fantasy we both want children soon and to be married even sooner. I just recognise he’s a really special guy.

You are breathtakingly naive and wilfully refusing to answer many questions put to you here. What do you do for a living OP?

Oh, amd he is so far from a really special guy. I would bet my house on it.

If he wants more kids soon, that's a huge red flag that he isn't actually thinking about the ones he has already. You're not going to listen to any of this though, but for one more try - this isn't a romance novel, it's real life.

I'll wait for your thread in 5 or so years when you're trapped with a couple of kids and he has outsourced all the childcare for his existing child on to you.................

You haven't answered the question about the rest of your life @Terpsichore24

Do you have a job? A pension? A property, or on the way to being able to get one?

you will need to be independent at some point, whether or not you settle down with this man.

This.

OP come back in 10 years when you have one SC and two DC and you do absolutely everything for all of them and you have no earning potential and he's thinking about 24yo girlfriend number 3. Because you're now boring and 34.

There's no telling you right now because you're too immature to see that he's behaving utterly ridiculously for a 34yo father. He should be cautious and slow and not talk about marriage and kids 8 weeks in. But he's not because he sees a young, impressionable nanny with a fanny.

I agree with @MrsTerryPratchett

This is actually depressing to read as you can really see how this is going to play out over the next ten years.

I hadn't realised they'd only been dating 8 weeks. The OP sounds so naive and easily manipulated. She hasn't met the ex or the DC and is swallowing everything the new BF is saying.

I can only say to the OP don't rush into a situation you really know nothing about. But I suspect she won't listen as she hasn't responded to any of the red flags other experienced step mums have pointed out.

Another one bites the dust.

While I think this is highly likely to fall on deaf ears, the biggest thing that you need to stop and think about is this:

you can't be having meaningful conversations about being married and having children (irrespective of how long you've been together) until you have met his DC and gradually built up a relationship with him. It's just not realistic or sensible.

You shouldn't (and I am glad you are not planning on rushing into this) be intending on meeting his child for a good long time - but you have to be aware that all of the time that you are building this solid foundation with your partner it could easily collapse when you get introduced. What if he is a terrible parent? What if you have completely different ideas about how to look after his DC when he stays over? What if his DC don't like you and make that apparent?

There are so many 'what ifs' when it comes to dating someone with children - and I think for it to work well long-term it takes so much time and so much patience.

Great, how’s your career going? You don’t have long to establish yourself well financially and professionally so you can support your children well, as is necessary as a parent, It will need to be a strong focus for you over the next few years.

Realistically this time frame is unlikely to be appropriate when you meet someone who already has a young child.

I must say I’ve never even heard of anyone who’s divorced their husband over small things when they have a young baby. That’s extremely unusual indeed. People usually work very very hard to stay together at that stage.

Op I was in a step-mum type situation (we lived together for 5.5 years and I basically acting in that role) and I would say slow down, try and emotionally detach yourself and look at it objectively. Even if he is the perfect man (which no-one is) step parenting is SO hard.

You might not feel the bond you expect to feel when you met the child and that will come as a shock. It can take a lot longer than you might expect.

When you do start to fall in love with the kids you then start to come up against different issues. You will be worried about their well being, if they are being fed well, if their mum is emotionally leaning on them too much, the choice of school, the hobbies they do / don't do and you will have almost NO control over any of it and it's very difficult to watch a child you are expected to love 'as your own' not be treated as well as you would your own. The only way to cope with this is to try and emotionally detach and tell yourself you can't care more than their parents but if you are a loving emotional person it feels very unnatural.

Then think about having your own kids. Will you want to take them to visit grandparents at Christmas? You might not be able to do that because of the schedule - I didn't spend a single Christmas with my family for the time I was with my ex. An awful lot of your 'family' time and holidays will likely end up more with your partners family rather than your own because they don't see much of his son. You might not get to take your children on holidays in the few years before they start school as you will need to take all the children and this will need to be in the school holidays so the price massively adds up.

Being a good parent means that the child will get prioritised over you but this does essentially mean you are just along for the ride and have to lump whatever decisions the parents make between them.

Then there the impact on you as a family making decisions. So you might not take a job that is a good career move as the commute will be too long and moving closer isn't an option because you need to stay local to his son. You'll be tied to certain areas / schools etc for your own children depending on where mum is living. If mum decides to move you might end up having to follow her.

It's easy to think 'I can love and care for another child part time' but it's not like taking a childcare job that you can leave it have time off. It can and will impact every choice you make for as long as you are together.

That's even before you start adding in the idea that he might not be perfect. Most common on step parenting board - nrp guilt, Disney dadding, expecting you to do the brunt of the childcare, favouring one child over another, placing financial burden on you. I'm sure many men don't intend to do this but it creeps in and social expectations of women make it feel justified to them. Read the the board to get an idea.

Finally - if you split you will have no rights to see this child again. I see my ex's kids once every couple of months which I am fortunate to do, but going from being someone that has taught them how to brush their teeth and helped with their homework to an occasional visitor is one of the most painful experiences of my life that I wouldn't wish on anyone.

My ex was very similar to yours in the beginning. I really believed he was perfect and he promised me all the things I wanted from life - marriage / kids etc. None of it ever happened. There was always a reason it needed to be pushed back or delayed, often to do with his kids. They will say what they need to say to get you on board.

A divorced parent who is talking about marriage again 8 weeks into a new relationship is showing very clearly that they have not processed what went wrong in their last marriage.

I get the “it’s just right” feeling, OP. My husband and I had it the moment we met. We’d both been burned before, though. I wonder whether you have?
We knew but waited several months before living together and a year to marry. I was your age. There was no great rush. Even then, friends and family thought it was all very quick.

Luckily for us, it all worked. Together 35 years now and very happy so it can happen.

Please, though, listen to all of the good advice you received here from people with experience. You have to tread even more carefully when there’s a child involved.

Thank you, yes I’m not going to rush into making any big decisions until atleast after winter!
No moving in or engagements etc.
as much as I’m excited to start that chapter I don’t want to jump into it and this thread has really opened my eyes to that!

Good for you op. Remember every poster here is trying to help you. Absolutely no harm in taking it slowly, if you're going to be together forever, and fingers crossed you are, then there is no value in rushing.

You’re at the exciting stage at the moment where you’re crazy about him. So of course you’re going to feel fine about everything because at the moment neither he, his ex or their child affects your life in any way. But they most likely will as time goes on somewhere down the line. And your child’s life too if you have one with him.

I’m sorry to be so pessimistic, OP. But I’ve been on here long enough to know what can go wrong. Not to mention my own experience which is thankfully long behind me now.

@Terpsichore24

Genuine question, what is his financial situation?

Does he have his own place? does he own it or rent it? does he have a career or stable job? does he earn well?

What's his current setup?

These are really important factors that will give us a better picture of where he is life and help us to advise you.

Very pertinent questions, OP.

Also, where are you as far as your career goes? Do you rent, or have you got a mortgage? Are you paying into a pension?

I assure you that these things are important.

@Terpsichore24 has ignored all questions about career, pension etc. So I assume she has little financial stability of her own........?

no I’m sure I previously answered that I earn more than him.

I’m still at the beginning of my career but it’s going really solid and im happy with what im earning.

He’s still rebuilding after his divorce but seems to be on track to get back to where he was financially before. He does well for himself regardless but he wants many children so is keen to go back to earning a lot.

You haven’t even met this child, yet you’ve deemed him adorable, and think your partner co parents “quite amazingly”.
None of this is real, the reality is not going to match the fairytale you’ve concocted in your head.
You’ve only just met, anyway, your contact with this child should be minimal.

How is he earning less after his divorce?
Less disposable income I get, less overall earnings sounds most peculiar.

Does he have his own place OP?

Or is he living with his parents whilst he gets back on his feet?