Advice on dating a man with a small child?

[Terpsichore24]

Firstly I’ve met an incredible man absolutely falling in love.
He has a 4yr old adorable son and is coparenting quite amazingly with his ex.

They’ve been divorced for years and split the week parenting, she’s remarried recently and I’m completely happy with their dynamic.

I’m 24 and he’s 34, I would like any tips and advice on how I should be navigating our relationship. I’ve never dated a man who’s coparenting such a young child and I’m really keen have my ducks in a row when if comes to step-parenting, navigating our relationship (in terms of when to introduce what kind of boundaries I should be setting etc)

It’s not that I don’t trust him to lead and set the dynamic but rather I want to have my own solid ideas and suggestions of how things should go aswell as a realistic grasp of the obstacles I could face.
please do share any advice tips or stories! x

Are you taking onboard the advice you've already been given by experienced step mums?

He’s got a 4 year old and been divorced years?? Didn’t need to read much to identify the first red flag 🚩

You need to date him for a year minimum before you meet his child. If he wants you to meet the child before it’s too soon.

Plus prepare to be poorer and have all the difficulty of Christmas and birthdays. Also it’s what sort of parenting will you decide on between you.

I will also say as myself and my friends prepare for retirement how will you feel when you’re still working for another decade and he has retired. Unless of course you end up being so well off you can retire very young.

How did you meet this man? What’s the dynamic?

I would love to, I don’t know any personally that’s why I came on here.

I think you are sensible to be posting here op.

I haven't had a serious relationship since my divorce but I am a single mum so my opinion might help you.

I'd advise waiting at least a year before meeting his child. Keep your head screwed on and your feet on the ground. Do not interfere with any part of the co parenting relationship. Be wary as soon as he starts moaning about the mum - this is the woman he chose to marry and have a kid with after all. Encourage him to be amicable and not fall out with her. Look out for the red flags which may explain the split. Things like being unreliable, flaky, bad with money, a bad temper, doesn't pull his weight with housework or cooking.

Whilst you are simply dating, do not offer to babysit. Do not offer support (financial/practical or otherwise).

Things will not always be rosy. Be prepared for this. Your holidays and weekends together may get cancelled at short notice. Be understanding of this.

Make sure he always puts his kid first. Consider the following questions.

If the mum is ill or goes on holiday, does he look after the child?
Does he pay maintenance plus half of all expenses?
Does he have a bedroom for the child and clothes and toys at his place?
As the child progresses at school, does he know the year he is in, teacher's name, friends names, hobbies, contents of school reports?
Does he take care of the child at least every other weekend plus one evening a week (the more the better)?
Does he take time off work (or make the best efforts to) if the child is unwell?
Does he attend at least some of the school events when he can, eg sports days, assemblies, parents evenings?
Is the majority of his annual leave spent covering the school holidays?
Does he discipline his child as necessary (discipline doesn't just mean telling off, it also means boundary setting etc)?

If the answer to any of these questions is no then he isn't a good father and won't be a good one to your children. Do not fool yourself that he will be a better one to your children if he isn't to the one he already has.

Essentially you need to ensure that he takes good care of his child and isn't just interested in the "fun bits", and that he doesn't just seek to recruit a free babysitter (you).

I meant the advice you've had on here from Mumsnetters.

At your age, that age gap is very large.

He's about my age. If one of my mates started dating a 24yo, we'd raise eyebrows for sure. You're so young, enjoy life, don't get bogged down with a (comparatively) aging divorcee and his kid

You don’t know that. I met my husband when his son was 4, he spilt with his ex after a short marriage before his child was 2. She was absolutely abusive (I have seen the divorce paperwork - not just his word). He is a good man who removed himself from an unhealthy relationship. Granted it’s not a great sign, but it’s absolutely not fair to draw that conclusion based on that alone.

You are still in the honeymoon period, and I get it it's all fantastic, he's wonderful, potential wedding bells. But then real life kicks in, and it's just not the utopian life you imagined. Add a child that isn't yours, where you have minimal say and the utmost responsibility for. Then a whole other person who has power over your finances and decisions which you have to comply with. Even when things go well it's hard.

I have the most wonderful man, I met him later on in life (36) he has two children I have one, we now have one together. And I love my family but it's so tough being blended. His ex is incredibly hard work, his children don't share my values, but they do really try. Both households have very different rules, in one household they are not held to account for anything, the other they are. My partner treats the children differently subconsciously. I have been in their lives for over half but I still don't feel that unconditional love I feel for my own. The dynamic of the children is tough they don't always get along due to different values and interests. It's expensive! Aside from maintenance payments which are a huge chunk of money, every holiday is for 6, clothes for six, food for six. Car to fit 6 with car seats.

It is the main cause of rows and tensions.

It is definitely not a life I would want at 24. You have a chance to find someone to start everything from scratch with.

The honeymoon phase you are currently feeling will end.

Both my partner and I wished we met earlier, we love each other dearly but there are so many complications and compromises in our current life and things completely out of our control. For example my SD has a life long condition that impacts part of her body. She wanted something cosmetic doing to that part of her body. By doing this it can cause long term damage (there is a high risk). To me I would never let her do it, the risk is too high. But her mum let her do this. And guess what, the risk happened and now we get the blame ( how I don't know). That's just one vague example of how parenting children that aren't yours can be so challenging when you don't get the over riding say.

Don't do it!!!

Try to think really dispassionately about how things would work if you were living together, then married and children together. A chunk of the household income will be going to a child that isn’t yours for at least the next 14 years. Can you be really sure you won’t resent that?

What if your boyfriend’s child has a better quality of life than your own, because between his maintenance and the child’s mother’s household income they can afford more clubs, holidays, opportunities?

What if you had the opportunity to work in another part of the country or overseas? He can’t move away from his child.

Your child will never be your partner’s first. All the excitement - he’s done it before and might not feel it again in the same way. That might be hurtful for you.

Thank you, I do know all the smaller details but they’re quite personal so thought I’d leave it out of a public board! I can PM if you’d like the additional context.

But I think the advice us don't assume it will come.if you want kids in the next couple of years, this isn't the man for you. Having kids with him will be massively more complex that with someone else. So at 8 weeks in, is the future investment of your time worth it?

They haven't been divorced "for years".

How long have you been together and how soon did he introduce DS?

Stop calling him amazing for being a PT dad, it's his actual job to do that.

The main thing you need to know, if he's as great as you think he is, is that you will never, ever be number one in his life.

You only know what he's told you, and you've only known him for eight weeks.

I wonder what his wife would say about everything.

'You & him.shouldn't even be thinking about you meeting his son for at least 6 months.....and I would go so far as go day at least 12 months. Then only the briefest of meetings.....days out 6-12 months later & not even thinking about living together for another 3-5 years. "

Gosh. I know a man who has a 4 Yr old daughter. 50% custody. He started dating a woman the same age as him, 30, and by the third date she had met the daughter and since then half of their dates are spent taken the little girl out somewhere to some fun place. Everything seems to be absolutely fine. I had no idea until I read this thread that new girl or boy friends are not supposed to meet the children and tell six months or 12 months.

Thank you for adding some questions I need to consider.

funnily enough we’ve discussed the loss of excitement thing but he said it would be his first child with me and he would be just as excited and love the children equally. Plus I think he’s just one of those men that is good at being a dad and wants multiple kids

I echo this. I did it at your age; the children were older though. It was certainly a learning curve for me and a big, big mistake.

He most certainly is “the average man”, it is not just him having a child that makes him imperfect.

Talking about marriage and babies in the next couple of years is very rushed when he already has a child and was divorced before that child was in primary school.

I think you should find out what the “little things” were that led to his divorce.

They’ve been legally divorced for over 3 years.

I haven’t met but we’re discussing how/when etc.

They’re both PT parents not just him, I think he’s doing amazingly!

i know I’m not number one and I’d never expect to be, but I am a priority and he definitely shows me that often

Having read your other posts.. please be careful not to go running at this.

24 is young, but you also sound young for your age - leaping into a fantasy where you think you know him and are planning a long relationship after 8 weeks (I’d assumed you meant 6 months or so) is very childlike.

I think you are too emotionally young for children right now, but anyway you can’t have kids quickly with him - you shouldn’t really be spending significant time with his child till you’ve been together for a year, a year of contact after that, and two years of living together before getting pregnant would be the bare minimum.

Sorry but I think you’re nuts to be thinking of marriage to someone after 2 months.

Only thing you really need to know is that his child will always come first. If you can (honestly) handle that, just take it slow.

a year is the number I’ve seen the most so definitely think I’ll be suggesting that.

I’m not living in a fantasy we both want children soon and to be married even sooner. I just recognise he’s a really special guy.

For some context the ex not only remarried this year but also moved in with her then boyfriend fairly quickly.
so that’s kind of why we’ve had some discussions around how we’d navigate

Why the hell are the pair of you discussing marriage and children when you've only been going out for 8 weeks!!!

Have you met his wife?

@Terpsichore24 ill try not to patronise you as many others have.

im not too much older than you, a smidge but not much. I’m really worried this perfect man might not be all he seems. I could be wrong because one in a million’s come along. Maybe I’m clouded by my own experiences of which I’ll share because I’m drawing some parallels.

I met my ex, 8 year age gap, he was charming, attentive loving, wanted to spend time with me all the time. I felt so loved, all the things you want you’re finally getting, you get sucked in quick, yea I’d say I loved this man after 8 weeks. It’s called love bombing and the start of a trauma bond. Anyway my ex has two kids, separated from his wife. Tells me his kids are is world but I would come first because without me, there’s no family. Spoke about marriage because he did it before, spoke about children because he did it before. Got the same lines, it would be different with me because he really loves me and I’m the love of his life.

we moved in together quickly, I met his kids quickly, will add I didn’t want to and he didn’t want it that quick but he told his ex about me and she informed the kids and told him to introduce me because they know about me now and they’re asking questions. I think ex did this hoping boys would hate me. They didn’t. That hurt her more I think.

things quickly turned ugly, the loving kind attentive amazing man I met vanished! He was not a great dad, he didn’t teach them anything of value just tried to buy their love. It caused clashes and fights and we never healed. It was fight after fight usually around his abusive behaviour, his shit parenting or his lack of boundaries with his ex. oh and the man who said I’d come first, I came last every damn time. I came last to his friends, his family, his ex wife and his kids. Everytime. It was lonely and I often felt worthless.

I worry you’re falling soo quickly. I know you say you’re not doing it now but this must be on your mind to do within the next 2 months to be asking now. You don’t know this man to be thinking about having a child with him. You’re 24, you got bags of time. Be selfish. Kindly, don’t you want to experience your first wedding, first child, first cohabiting with someone who is also experiencing it for the first time?

Because not everyone wants to date for years?

We’re 2 adults who knew we had a special connection and shared all the same values VERY quickly.

so yes we are discussing kids and marriage, I understand it’s not super conventional these days but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong.