Advice on dating a man with a small child?

[Terpsichore24]

Firstly I’ve met an incredible man absolutely falling in love.
He has a 4yr old adorable son and is coparenting quite amazingly with his ex.

They’ve been divorced for years and split the week parenting, she’s remarried recently and I’m completely happy with their dynamic.

I’m 24 and he’s 34, I would like any tips and advice on how I should be navigating our relationship. I’ve never dated a man who’s coparenting such a young child and I’m really keen have my ducks in a row when if comes to step-parenting, navigating our relationship (in terms of when to introduce what kind of boundaries I should be setting etc)

It’s not that I don’t trust him to lead and set the dynamic but rather I want to have my own solid ideas and suggestions of how things should go aswell as a realistic grasp of the obstacles I could face.
please do share any advice tips or stories! x

OP, the more details you give the more red flags are coming out. Be really careful with this guy. Keep just dating him for at least another year and then re-evaluate the relationship.

Right now you are looking at it through pink goggles of love, which is great. Enjoy it, but do not be in a rush to enmesh you life with this guy. You don't need to date for years, but you are quite young and can easily spare another year to see what is what in this relationship.

You seem serious about wanting children and that's great too, but in order to raise your children well you need a good partner and only time will tell you if your current partner is up to scratch. Personally I don't think you can tell without having observed him in day to day interactions with his son, both mundain as well as during daily stressors that can bring out the worse in people.

I feel that at this point you can't yet see if this guy is suitable for you and your future children.

I bet he's one of those men that decide to start their own business up when their wife has just gone on maternity leave knowing they can't afford for him to do it.

Then she filed for divorce because he was just shit all round and she couldn't count on him as a spouse and parent. Then he probably moved into his parents or house share, dissolved his company so he wouldn't have to pay child support for a good while because he was resentful.
He is probably pissed off that his ex has moved on and now he's found another victim to lure in and be his skivvy.

@Terpsichore24 is your boyfriend living at his parents' house?
I don't think you've answered that yet.

What you are making here is an argument for a woman not to date AT ALL whilst her children need all her attention.

I still can't see what's wrong with a child meeting new people who they only see for a while then never see again. That is what happens with distant relatives who come to stay, locum teachers, neighbours, and even some friends. And it reflects real life.

You sound like a teenager with the 'best boyfriend ever'! I wish you well OP, you do sound very young and very naive. I suspect you may be back on here in a few years time, possibly a little less giddy...

I wonder why he is no longer dating women in their 30s, who have more life experience and is going for a (possibly) more impressionable 20-something?

Wow, I assumed when I read the OP that he must be very well off for you to find any appeal in a man so much older, saddled with a child and a co-parenting relationship.

But you out-earn him at 24?!

Honestly, he might be the loveliest person but in all practical ways this has nightmare written all over it.

That’s valid and properly closer to the truth than what he’s said, maybe he didn’t have bad intentions but was overwhelmed and blindsided I think over time he’ll admit the divorce wasn’t as ambicable it’s one thing I think he’s glossing over

I’m hoping for the best but my therapist once told me, just because someone tells you something doesn’t make it true.

I only outearn because I’m in law, I worked throughout my degree so very lucky to have started my career so well.

So it’s interesting to see a lot of the responses kinda reiterate that. Maybe I’m going into this a little too naive, but I’m not really sure what I can actionably do aside from let time show me his true character

Oh no he’s been divorced for 3yrs.

It sounds like you're beginning not to trust what he's said to you.

OP you can only be an NQ at 24 in law - that really doesn’t explain why you’re out earning him.

Oh dear op reading your updates this really does have red flags all over it.

I think you should cut your losses. Sounds like you are a smart woman and you literally have your whole life ahead of you. Don't spend it with this guy. He's clocked you are a smart young woman with a great deal of earning potential. It certainly doesn't sound like he has a lot of it.

You can leave.

Find yourself a decent man with less baggage.

Honestly OP, read your posts as if they were made by a friend. What would you tell her?

All of this.

@Terpsichore24 speaking as a step-mum, I think the one thing you REALLY need to think about is how you will deal with the actual reality of having a step-child. He might be an "adorable" little boy, but I can assure you once you're introduced to his life, he will start to fight you for his dad's attention and he will no longer be as "adorable" as he seems from the photos and stories you hear about him currently.

Will you be ok if, say, you're sat on the sofa with DP and he comes in screaming and crying because he wants to sit next to his dad and wedges his way in so you're sat on the edge of the sofa on your own?

Or with him coming into your room in the middle of the night crying and wanting your DP to go and sleep in with him because he's having nightmares?

What about holidays? Are you ok to sacrifice going away to a place that revolves around children and getting no alone time?

If your DP is such an "amazing" dad, then his son will come first. Are you ok with coming second? Really?

And he co-parents "amazingly" with his ex because there is no new woman on the scene yet. That will / could change too. Will you be ok with your DP putting her requests above yours?

I've got to say, if I was 24 I wouldn't touch this one with a bargepole but you've obviously got your mind made up that he's some superhuman, amazing dad and wonderful boyfriend so all I would say is, please, please, please date for at least a year until you're introduced into his child's life. For your own benefit as much as his. It will NOT be easy.

Does your boyfriend live with his parents?

Going to jump in with a don’t do it. You’re 24, go out and live your life and not be saddled down with a man and his young child.

I am sorry to be brash but it’s not the fairytale you think it will be. There’s a reason why many many step mothers say don’t do it in these threads when asked! Me included!

You're at an age where you’re definitely going to be coming across men your age who don’t have children. I can guarantee you’ll be happier with one of them.

Sorry

So many red flags - ten years older, dissolved business due to stress and now earns less than you, wants loads of children but doesn't appear to have the means to pay for them... Literally how can you know what a great dad is he or how adorable his son is or how wonderful his co-parenting relationship is - you've known him for a couple of months and have observed none of these things.

Oh dear god take a step back. You don't even know each other and you are discussing future children???

You don't know this man, how he is as a father, how he was as a husband or even what he is like to live with

Put the brakes on and stop giving yourself such strict timescales, let life happen

So it's went from amicable divorce to not so amicable, his business failed, he doesn't own a house and yet he is desperate for marriage and more kids.... aye right

“and is coparenting quite amazingly with his ex.”

how would you know? 🤔

Wonder Dad told her, of course.

Are you still with him now, OP?

That bullshit story of his is full of holes.

I bet his ex has a very sorry tale to tell getting rid of this loser.

OP, you are in law?
You need to fine tune that nose for spotting liars and bullshitters, because you definitely have found one.

His version of his split is hilarious.
Far more likely he is a lazy loser looking for another woman to bankroll him and his child.

Say NO to him about a few things, and you will see the real him.
At the moment you are dealing with a mirage.

Don't be used, protect yourself.

Hey OP.
I was 18 when I met my OH.
His DD was 18 months (although I didn’t meet her until she was 2.5) and OH and his ex had split up before SD was born.

We’re 13 years down the line and over time I’ve had to really learn to pick my battles and set boundaries and stick to them.

One thing that an earlier poster said that really resonated with me was the introduction of the new girlfriend and then childcare being expected of you. Huge red flag!

I look back and wish I’d advocated for myself more back then, I felt like I had to constantly ‘prove’ myself to OH & his family. After a couple of years of this expectation I felt incredibly resentful of the situation I’d found myself in (mostly because I wasn’t strong enough to implement boundaries) which wasn’t good for anyone!

My advice to you would be to seriously consider your position here.
I don’t want to be negative but having your own children is hard, step children is a whole different ball game.

The last 4 years have been easier but I spent the previous 9 years wishing I’d run a mile which feels like it’s taken years off my life. It’s a lot better now but it’s taken it’s toll to get here and if I had my time again, I’m not sure I’d have stayed as long as I have done.