Is this too much, too little or a normal amount of time to have the kids?

[NellyElly1]

As a childless step-mom in my set up, I'm starting to struggle a bit with how much we have my OH's children as it's feeling like we never get time to ourselves. His argument is that we'd have them full time if they were ours but the fact is they're not and I don't necessarily want children. I've sacrificed it because I love him. I worry about this for the future too, do other couples make things work if one isn't particularly maternal and accept that they won't feel the same way about their children that they do? I've always been independent, I have my own hobbies and like my own time as well.

The current rota at the moment is this and it cycles round each week:

From Friday at 4pm to Saturday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 10am
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 3:30pm
Weekend off
And then it cycles back round again.

We also have them every Wednesday night.

I worked it out to be 10 Saturdays that we get solidly in a whole year (52 total) to ourselves from Friday night to Saturday night.

In total, out of 104 weekend days, we get 31 to ourselves.

As much as I like spending time with the children, I'm almost finding it too much and never feel like we get a break. I think it is impacting both of us too as he is constantly feeling like we are on the go as well and never get a breather.

Does this sound normal? Or is it too much or not enough?

Thank you.

So so proud of you OP. You’ve been so brave.

If you were my daughter tonight I would want to hold you in my arms and dry your tears and tell you how amazing you are and what a bright future you have ahead of you. Single or in a relationship. You deserve so much more than this awful man.

Remember, people are always on their best behaviour at the start, but still, none of this is your fault. You have given so much and he became a controlling vampire, sucking your energy, lifeblood, even your money out of you.

Things might feel a bit hollow for a while but I have no doubt you’re going to feel such a sense of peace and freedom before too long.

Do keep us posted with how you are in the next few days would you? As PP. have said we’re quite worried about you and just want to see you straight and with a life you deserve, not settling for so much less.

Well done. Onwards and upwards. Out to see the geegees before too long I hope! 😁

I am delighted and you have done the right thing, Nelly. Whoopee! You are now free to live your life.

You tried hard and it just wasn't working for you.

It will be hard for a while as you thought so much of the man but, honestly, that will pass.

Enjoy your life, you are young and opportunities will gradually open up for you.

I bet the cats are happy!

All the very best for the future.

I’m glad he’s gone, for your cats sake as much as yours! I know you’ll feel dreadfully sad about it, even though you can tell by all the support you’ve had on here to get him to leave that it was 100% the right thing.

Please take note of previous posts - be on your guard for him ramping things up, emotionally or physically. He's behaved in textbook abusive ways so far so I would expect nothing less now.

Just remember if he truly loved you he’d want to make things work with you in a way that you’re comfortable with. He couldn’t have it his way so he threw his toys out of the pram and just left. Childish reaction, albeit accidentally the right one for you!

Take care, let friends and family know that’s happened so that they can be there for you if he tries to worm his way back in.

Congratulations on getting your home and your life back. Now don’t share it again with someone unless they deserve it!

I know it perhaps doesn’t feel like it now. However, this is the only outcome, which works for you and your animals, who depend on you, your love and care.

I get it may be hard for you as you love him. But he doesn’t truly love you at all. He doesn’t have capacity for that love. You are the lucky one on that score. And I don’t think you can possibly love the true him. The man, who’s abusing you and your cats, forcing you to neglect them and your horses. I think you love the man he portrayed to you when you first started dating, the attentive man, who wooed you and made you feel special. The man, who actually doesn’t exist but who, you see glimpses of.

I haven’t read the whole thread as it’s very long. He had such a cushy life with you. It’s unlikely you’ve heard the last of him. Has anyone posted the cycle of abuse? Right now, it’s likely he’s punishing you and is in the incident phase so he may be back sometime soon to start the reconciliation phase. In this phase, you get to see the man, you love, which why it’s all so confusing. Once you’re hooked again, he will move onto the next phase and the next until there is another incident. https://psychcentral.com/health/cycle-of-abuse

I hope you take some time to heal, get away from this man and have to time alone. You said in one of your posts that your dad isn’t there for you. Idk if you’re exploring that avenue. Women, who’ve not had a great male parent can be more susceptible to abuse from a male partner, which is why it’s important to strengthen your boundaries and practice becoming the person you want to be before moving onto another relationship.

Big hugs. You’re doing so well.

You must feel relief you have your home and your life back.

You can move forward now, slowly and carefully.

I would try to bag up all his stuff and send it to his mums. Or is there anyone who would be at yours when he collects so you don’t have to see him?

I say this because I am pretty sure he will have one last crack at breaking you.

I think you need to reconsider this relationship. I feel this situation is only going to get worse for you as the children get older and if you are not maternal and don’t wish to spend that much time with them I think you’ll find you and your other half will end up spending more time separate than together and at your age that’s not what you want. You should absolutely not give up your own personal hobbies to look after his kids, although I can see that it would be nice for you to spend time with them as a family. Like others have said I feel perhaps you should ask him to move out and consider your options as I can’t see this working for you long-term.

Well done but be cautious. He is very manipulative and will be expecting you to beg him to come back

After all your updates I am glad to read this one.

I am sorry for you that someone you loved has treated you like this. Random stranger on the Internet is proud of you for loving yourself and your cats more and getting rid of him though.

Treat yourself to something lovely with the money you save from your reduced bills again. You have been through a rough time, you gave so much more to this relationship than he did. He really didn't change much and cocklodger of the CF variety is very apt for this particular man. Regain your home, your space, your routine and your time for your unconditional loves in your life ♥️

If you are in therapy to help you become assertive in abusive relationships, you've been successful. You twisted yourself in every knot trying to accommodate and be reasonable and communicate, when that didn't work you ended it. You broke that cycle.

This. I don’t think he’s going to give up this easily, this is just a flounce off to his parents for a day or two until you begin to miss him.

I fear he will turn up with the children to collect their things. He will have told them horrible things about you on the way over so they will be angry and / or crying .

He plans to create a lot of drama to make you feel guilty and upset.

He will say things like “ how can you do this to the children, they love you so much ? You are not the woman I thought you were, I thought we had a future but now I see the real you who is selfish, hates kids, etc “

He will accuse you of using him (it’s projection ) , deceiving him , or accuse you of cheating . Or say things like you will never get a man etc

Im saying all these things now to warn you , men like this don’t care about how distressing a scene like this will be for his children. They care about getting what they want and punishing you for your disobedience.

So you need to make and execute a plan so this doesn’t happen . Ideally you should pack up the things yourself and take them to his parents , or put them in another location where they can be collected by him .

DONT do this alone . You will find it very upsetting packing up the children things that you bought for them, as you did this out of kindness and care for them . I know you wanted to make things work .

please reach out to a female friend or two help you with this . Don’t try to be brave, you need RL support.

Step mum here! You need to look after yourself. When I met him, they visited every other weekend, the key thing is they are his children and are visiting him. Yes form a relationship with them, but if you want to do things on your own you must. It is too easy for men to let the women do the child care. You don’t have to do family things every weekend. Have your own life. BUT they will always be there and, as happened in our case, they moved in full time after 2 years, due to their mothers ill health. That was hard but now they’re all grown up and have children of their own, and I still have a good relationship with them and their children.

Relieved to read you have gotten rid of him. This relationship was so unhealthy and completely wrong for you. As well as being controlling and manipulative, abusers can also be very nice, helpful, affectionate. It often causes people to forget the bad stuff and confuses them I to believing the relationship is good. If they weren't nice some of the time people wouldn't stay as long as they do.

Look into the freedom programme. I think it would really help you given your history of abusive relationships.

The fact that you casually mentioning having previously threatened police like it's a normal thing to do in a relationship really stood out to me. I've been in a controlling relationship before but never ever got to the stage where I'd ever need to involve the police. If you ever have to threaten a partner with calling the police just know that that relationship must be highly toxic and you need to get out.

My advice to you would be to stay single. Enjoy your life without being tied to anyone. Enjoy your animals, your family and your hobbies. Enjoy doing whatever the hell you want when you want. Enjoy your own money. You don't want kids so it's not like you have any rush to meet someone. Get therapy, complete the freedom programme and learn to love yourself. Learn your worth and only ever allow a man I to your life if they're bringing more good than bad into your life.

As someone with a child who has a step-mum, I do think you should probably reconsider your relationship. Love isn’t always enough and it’s not these children’s fault. You could run the risk of them feeling unwanted and that is the worst possible outcome.
my child is with his dad significantly less than you have described and he often feels as though he is in the way of his step-mum. It’s heartbreaking.

Sorry! Hadn’t read the whole thread!

Edited to acknowledge @OtsyBotsy90 ’s edit! Still good advice for other readers though.

RTFT or at least the OP’s posts (scroll to the top of the thread & click on OP’s posts: See all).

Things have moved on a long way since the first post.

OP do not let him guilt you.
Do not let him in the house.
Do not let him talk you round at the weekend.
Bag up his stuff and leave it outside the door for him to collect.
Have someone in the house with you.
Dint entertain any discussion, there's nothing to discuss.
He's blaming you & he's threatened you.
Please come back & let us know you're ok.
Stay strong & be assured you've done yourself a huge favour getting rid of this cocklodging bully. He was destroying your life & your wellbeing.

Well done for staying strong & standing up for yourself.
Make sure you don’t let him back in as he’s shown his true colours. You deserve so much better.
It sounds like you’ve never been in a proper loving relationship so don’t know what one is like. I would carry on with therapy/counselling & work on being happy yourself without a partner.
When you do decide to date again it might be wise to take it a bit slower.
Good luck & keep us posted with how you are doing, I’m sure this has been very hard on you.

An absolutely vile and manipulative man. Don't let him back.

I’m so so glad to read your update. I know this must hurt right now, but please, please stay strong. Honestly, reading your cat update made me feel sick. He is NOT a good man, and he doesn’t have your best interests at heart. He’s abusing you, and taking advantage of you. And you’re kind and loving and of course wanted to make things work. I’m so proud of you for asking him to leave. I agree with others that I don’t think he’ll go quietly and will try and weasel his way back in with promises of change.

He will not change! He might for a little, to lull you into a false sense of security and lure you back in, and then he’ll revert back to form, as that’s how he wants to behave. And then you’re further in and it’s even harder to get out. Please stay strong and don’t let this happen. Lean on the people you have in real life. Lean on us on here for support, if you find yourself wavering. You have so much of your life ahead of you, and when the rawness and pain of a break up happens, I think the relief will be astounding. You are free. You are kind and thoughtful and loving and you are worth so so much more than this man convinced you to settle for ❤️

You've obviously never experienced an abusive controlling relationship.

@NellyElly1 I'm sending you my love because I know you will be in shock and sad with what has happened.

But I'm glad it has and soon you will too.

In a short time you will feel that weight of guilt off your shoulders about being with your horses etc, not checking if its ok to do this, that and the other.

Your history with abusive men as you say has clouded your judgement, all the red flags were there, but they were small enough to slip by in the beginning. you know in your head you were beginning to make more and more excuses for him. You thought he was a good guy because the previous guys were worse. you traded a level 8 or 7 for a 4. But any level of abuse is unacceptable, but as a survivor myself, i know how hard it is to break this cycle because what feels comfortable to you actually isn't safe.

I strongly recommend the book Why Does He DO That by Lundy Bancroft. I also say that you would really benefit from doing The Freedom Programme. You mentioned a therapist - how experienced are they with abuse? Did your (now) ex convince you to go to therapy? Is this another way of him undermining your boundaries and mental health?

If your therapist is not skilled in abuse, then you need to find another one, that will really help. I went to a Group session in our village, I attended the FP in person AND i had a therapist. I was running about all over the place to get this fixed. Fixed? Well at least learning how NOT to be treated and how to navigate life post abusive relationship. None of that is a golden bullet in itself, but it's a start towards a healthier understanding our ourselves and what is and isn't acceptable. My therapist did some work with with The Other Side, so I wanted him as i felt he could understand what I had been up against, and also perhaps my experiences could help him deal with his abuser clients.

Oh, before i end this post, I want to remind you that of course its all your fault, of course you ruined it all. <eyeroll>

Bollocks. they all say this, all of them. without fail. They are SO predictably boring. it's like they have a pathetic little script.

He showed you who he is, he showed you what life is like with him. In a short while he has taken so much from you and it's still not enough.

No, promise us one thing? For the cats? For the horses? DON'T EVER LET HIM INTO YOUR LIFE AGAIN. Get his stuff sorted and leave it somewhere for him to get it. You should change the lock barrels too. Yes to Ring doorbell. It might be overkill, but lets not take chances and you will feel safer.

Dont give a second thought about feeling guilty about this, he really was awful. I wish I could give you a hug too. You have your life ahead of you, and now that you have that toxic being out of your life, you will be happier and healthier.

Thank you ❤that's so kind and thank you to everyone else.
He wants to work things out (expected) and said he didn't say it was over (expected. He did). I can't get out of my head that he only wants to work things out because he wants somewhere to live. I've told him there is nothing to work out.

Can i just highlight this. Ok, Ok, ignore the muppets, but you said this - well wrote this.

You acknowledging this relationship was abusive and controlling is HUGE. this is the start of your recovery. In abuse situations, the first person we lie to is ourselves, then we lie to others, present thing s in a better way, keep things to ourselves etc etc.

You admitting this to yourself is the first step, now, can you speak to friends in real life? therapist first perhaps?

He has now said that he wants to work things out but he will live at his parents as long as he needs to for us to do that. Who knows. I'm not really giving him any answers.

Stay strong, if you agree to "work things out" you'll be back to square one.

Sending love.

Don’t do it hun just close the door on this relationship, you deserve better he will become the man you feel in love with then revert back to his usual ways once his feet are firmly back under the table and who knows maybe even ramp up the control over you. I’ve been keeping tabs on this post since last night hoping it all goes well for you and he fucks off. I know it’s going to be hard but stay strong we are all here rooting for you in the best way possible and I’m sure if we could all be there to support you when he picks up his shit we would.
stay strong hun

He’s realised he is fucked and is trying to worm
his way back in.

There is no working it out. You don’t want to be a parent, that’s fine, you tried living in a family unit and it’s not what you want from life.
I think if you keep saying - I don’t want to be a step parent/don’t want children living here, so there’s no going forward - it will shut him down and means you don’t have to start an argument about his other shitty behaviour.

I still can’t believe he called your house ‘their home’. His entitlement is off the scale.