Is this too much, too little or a normal amount of time to have the kids?

[NellyElly1]

As a childless step-mom in my set up, I'm starting to struggle a bit with how much we have my OH's children as it's feeling like we never get time to ourselves. His argument is that we'd have them full time if they were ours but the fact is they're not and I don't necessarily want children. I've sacrificed it because I love him. I worry about this for the future too, do other couples make things work if one isn't particularly maternal and accept that they won't feel the same way about their children that they do? I've always been independent, I have my own hobbies and like my own time as well.

The current rota at the moment is this and it cycles round each week:

From Friday at 4pm to Saturday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 10am
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 3:30pm
Weekend off
And then it cycles back round again.

We also have them every Wednesday night.

I worked it out to be 10 Saturdays that we get solidly in a whole year (52 total) to ourselves from Friday night to Saturday night.

In total, out of 104 weekend days, we get 31 to ourselves.

As much as I like spending time with the children, I'm almost finding it too much and never feel like we get a break. I think it is impacting both of us too as he is constantly feeling like we are on the go as well and never get a breather.

Does this sound normal? Or is it too much or not enough?

Thank you.

Genuinely horrified.

Can you confide in someone in real life about this? It’s absolutely not normal. You’re being abused.

If you want out, speak to your mum/ dad/ brother/ friend. Get them round to the house when he’s not expecting it. Then calmly, clearly and without any doubt say that you want him to leave. Tell him you’ve packed an overnight bag and will drop the rest of his stuff back in a few days. Make him give all keys back. If he’s difficult then call the police. If he tries emotionally blackmailing you about his kids tell him you’ll write to them at their mum’s address.

I can almost guarantee that if you do this in front of someone he’ll do as you ask. People like him are at heart cowards, they can’t bear to have other people think badly of them. Apart from you of course, he obviously doesn’t give a shit about you.

No one can force you to do this but honestly don’t wait too long- you’ve let him know that you want out, that’s when some men get really dangerous. Not trying to scare you but just be very aware.

I agree with @Spotto.

It seems like you have been conditioned to think you are so unloveable that you need to buy love.

This absolutely isn’t true, and actually it’s impossible.

Please take your life back OP.

I second a PP who suggested therapy. Get an hour a week. In fact, start that first if you can't brave yourself to finish things yet. It sounds like you're in a pattern of behaviour which is quite embedded. Posters will get frustrated with you but thats because they care.

His reaction to your having therapy will be interesting. You shouldn't share any of it with him by the way, it is deeply personal and not advised.

Just read your updates OP.

He's a complete and utter cunt. Take the advice you're getting here and get him out your house and your life. Stop being a victim you hold all the power here.

Please just get with a man with no kids and leave this family alone. The kids already see little enough of their dad and then they have to share him with you as well. If you don't like kids, be in a relationship where there's no kids. It's that simple.

@NellyElly1 I agree with all the other comments, that he needs to leave, but I do worry about how you can do this safely. I think there are so many red flags here that he could be dangerous. Take the advice of people who have been in this situation. Don't antagonise him tonight if you are alone. Have the locks changed while he is out and have a friend or police there when you tell him.

He doesn’t want her to ‘leave them alone’. She’s paying all the living costs for him and his share of the living costs for the children.

He also insists she gives up everything in her life to spend time with him and the children.

Suggesting the issues with the relationship is because she’s not giving in enough to an abusive cocklodger is not helpful.

So what is the implied threat? What do you feel he is capable of to back that up?

Coercive control and veiled threats all because he can feel the rugs about to be pulled from under his comfortable feet. Inch by inch he’s controlling the narrative on everything. That ‘package’ is not right for you and in no way should you be expected to bend over backwards to accommodate him at his every whim. You have no issue with his children but the adapting all seems to be done by you and not him. I could t see a reason why for the strange pattern. Why not just have them alternate weeks? I get he starts work early, but in all honesty only 5 weekends a year free? I don’t think that’s on tbh. Every other week would work far better, surely?

I think you don't want to do anything. I'm not sure if it's the sympathy you are wanting or something. Everyone has been unanimous in what you need to do but you just keep coming up with more stories that turn this more and more horrifying. Somehow, you are incredibly resistant to taking back some form of control over your life. Good luck and all the best when you come back in years time and he now can claim some equity in your house. And then you will be asking us again what to do.

If seems you do want a child-free life and that is perfectly reasonable; but it won’t work with this man. Best to cut loses. At least it is your home and you are financially secure, as you said.

Be free to pursue your hobbies. Don’t get involved in future with anyone with DC and don’t compromise your boundaries.

Emotional blackmail to say “it is their home”. It isn’t really. Their home is with the other parent. He needs to get set up on his own two feet and provide a home for them himself. They are not your responsibility.

Seek professional support if you need him to leave and he won’t - women’s aid, police.

Oh yes, goodness, that’s WAY too much time to spend with your own children.

Does the man not have a brain in his head? 🙄

I'm fairly certain you've completely misunderstood the thread.

He dictates how often your mum can come to YOUR house? Think about that for a moment OP. You mentioned previous abusive relationships.....abuse comes in many forms. The relationship is now over, but please bookmark this thread incase he comes crawling back.

PLEASE READ UPDATES. THE MAN HAS SAID THE RELATIONSHIP IS OVER BECAUSE SHE WON'T OBEY HIM.

Well thank fuck for that.

No he hasn’t.

I would reconsider your situation . You are young and more importantly they are young. You are making a huge commitment and it may be a long, arduous journey particularly through the teenage years.

I doubt the Op can come back now until tomorrow, as the children are there on Wednesday evenings.

I do have therapy. He actually encouraged me to do it.

@NellyElly1 ... If the thread locks due to number of posts, please keep us updated.

I think it's safe to say a good number of us are worried about you.

Sending love.

Yes implying you need psychological helps him to gaslight you.

I misunderstood, I thought the relationship had ended but it clearly hasn't. I'm not sure what else you need to hear OP. You have asked for advice which has been clear and unambiguous. There a big red flags everywhere. You are unhappy, you want him gone, but for some reason you love him and want to stay with him. Sorry OP, but this is ridiculous.

Thank you.
He's gone. He wasn't here when I got home and has told me it's all my fault, I broke his heart, belittled him, etc. He said he'll have his stuff by the weekend and I can live my life how I clearly want and like a tramp having the cats back in the bedroom with me.

When I agreed it was over, he told me I've been pushing for it and it was me that caused it.

Don't let him guilt you OP. Absolutely none of this is your fault. Enjoy your home in peace, and your lovely cats.