Follow on thread

[NellyElly1]

Follow on from the previous one to keep it going as suggested.

Thank you all so much for your support.

Read all your previous posts, well done OP.

He was completely taking advantage glad you have realised that now. Hopefully stuff all gone soon and you can enjoy your own time however you like.

My first question.

Have you told him you need a few days space and then blocked him?

have you gone to work today
how and when is he getting his belongings
I expect you are not letting him in to pack for himself - as he will browbeat you whilst he is there
have you done anything about changing the locks
have you shared this with anyone in real life ?

have you removed the cat deterrent from outside your bedroom door !

No I haven't blocked him because there is still stuff to sort out.
He has told me that he is happy to move out for however long I need if it makes things work.

And then you said…?

Yes I've gone in. I can't afford not to, don't get sick pay.
I don't know, I haven't asked him yet but he will know he needs to do it while I'm at work.
I haven't changed the locks.
My mum knows.
I've removed the deterrent.

I said it still doesn't change the fact that I'm not sure it's the life I want anymore.

Ah glad you’ve made a new thread - we’re all concerned for you. You don’t need to finish things if you’re not ready yet. But something tells me that now your eyes have been opened to what his behaviour really means you’ll make that decision in the end.

Aren't you worried about him being alone there with your cat?

Are you close to your mum? What does she think of him?

But you ARE sure. Aren’t you?

My thought too.

Why would you be allowing him access to your house to pack his things
this means he still has keys !

you need to change the language you are using 'I said it still doesn't change the fact that I'm not sure it's the life I want anymore.' ' not sure ' means he will just pack enough for a couple of nights.

can your mum be at your house when he turns up ?

Thank you.
I am very aware and conscious of things and his behaviour so I'm not making excuses, although I know people will think that.

He's not aggressive. Yes, he's been pretty text book with a lot of things but he's also been very good in other aspects. I'm not condoning his behaviour by any means because it is wrong and controlling.

I agree, make sure someone is there when he comes for his stuff if you are allowing him to let himself in. He needs to only take his things, not being able to speak to you and leave his keys. Then you still need to change the locks.

At the end of the day, nobody on an anonymous forum can make anyone do something they don't want to do. If OP decides to let him move back in after a few days then that's her decision.

Thank you.
I'm going to take a breather, feeling a bit overwhelmed with it all.

OP, please remember that he is a debt ridden loser that clamped onto a very vulnerable woman with a house.

It's classic behaviour.

He controlled you seeing your family in your house. He banned them until it suited him.

This is so abusive and controlling.

He hates your cats and is horrible to them.

He lives off you.

Of course he is going to backtrack and say he wants to make it work.

A free home, free food, utilities.
Of course he wants to make it work.

OP I have a bunch of fabulous single friends.
Not one wanted children and not one of them would entertain a man with them.

They have met childless men and have great relationships.
They have kept their homes separate too.

They are in their 50's and every one of them looks amazing.

All living their best lives.

If you don't want children, think long an hard about going near a man with them.

It is 100% normal to not want children and not want to rear anyone else's.

You deserve the best.

He isn't it.

He will have to be good in certain things so you end up negating the bad things.
It's text book abusive man narrative.

" how can you think/say/do this after I did XYZ for you?! "

All the outrage at you not accepting his poor treatment is because he wants to control every aspect of what you do.

I'm glad you've seen him for what he is, just make sure you don't let him guilt you into anything, you have nothing to feel guilty about, nothing.

Just wanted to say that just because he doesn't tick the boxes for a narcissist quiz, it doesn't mean he's not still a nasty piece of work.

Is it just me, or are some posters on here are really pushy with their messages to @NellyElly1???
For example, why haven't you blocked him yet, what did you reply to him? Posts seem demanding, pushy and some even rude? At least that's how it seems to me.
At the end of the day, NellyElly is in a better position than us to assess her situation and decide her next moves.

he is happy to move out for however long I need if it makes things work
This is very different from saying that he is happy to live separately!
IMO his overarching goal is to get back into the golden Kingdom where everything is free.
If he gets back in his primary aim will be to get in control of things such that he can never be ejected from the kingdom again.
He might offer to marry you because he knows that's what you want and thinks you won't be able to resist his offer.
If you marry him you'll be tied to him in a much deeper way.

Good luck op. Please prioritise your emotional wellbeing and safety as you move forward.

This group of Internet strangers want the best for you.

He might not be a narcissist but he’s definitely a classic cocklodger.
He got his feet under the table and felt entitled to your home.

I wonder how he would react if you said you don't think living together would work until his children have grown up and left home?
Perfectly reasonable option, you don't want children so not wanting to live with them is understandable.