Is this too much, too little or a normal amount of time to have the kids?

[NellyElly1]

As a childless step-mom in my set up, I'm starting to struggle a bit with how much we have my OH's children as it's feeling like we never get time to ourselves. His argument is that we'd have them full time if they were ours but the fact is they're not and I don't necessarily want children. I've sacrificed it because I love him. I worry about this for the future too, do other couples make things work if one isn't particularly maternal and accept that they won't feel the same way about their children that they do? I've always been independent, I have my own hobbies and like my own time as well.

The current rota at the moment is this and it cycles round each week:

From Friday at 4pm to Saturday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 10am
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 3:30pm
Weekend off
And then it cycles back round again.

We also have them every Wednesday night.

I worked it out to be 10 Saturdays that we get solidly in a whole year (52 total) to ourselves from Friday night to Saturday night.

In total, out of 104 weekend days, we get 31 to ourselves.

As much as I like spending time with the children, I'm almost finding it too much and never feel like we get a break. I think it is impacting both of us too as he is constantly feeling like we are on the go as well and never get a breather.

Does this sound normal? Or is it too much or not enough?

Thank you.

She’s not stupid, and neither is your OH, with his built in childcare every weekend. Go off and do your own thing whenever you fancy, it sounds like you do more than enough for someone else’s children. I wonder if he’d be so keen to have them every weekend if you weren’t there?
Of course it’s great and the right thing he wants them - but that’s his responsibility, not yours.

I don’t know if this is truly the last of him OP. He’s had it all his way.

Keep your guard up and look after yourself

I'm so pleased he's gone. You deserve so much more.

Hold firm when the guilting starts, because if you take him back he'll think he can do whatever he wants.

Another misogynist that pulls the 'childless cat lady' BS. Ignore him. Be strong. Change locks. Get therapy.

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OMG @NellyElly1 his threats to you if you changed the locks or called the police sound as if he's going to make a claim on your house. And his behaviour towards your cats?! He was abusing you, and them, and your horses by limiting your time with them.

If he has gone for good, could I suggest you investigate doing some assertiveness training for the future?

OP you are a strong, independent, successful young woman. I know this hurts just now but in time you come out the other side and see him for what he was.

Stay strong and you do not need to listen to his nonsense nor explain yourself to him.

Take the time you need then start living your best life.

Sending you hugs☺️

DO NOT LET THIS MAN GUILT YOU OP

ive read all of your replies and this man is horrifying im begging you pack his stuff up every bit and leave it at the front door for him to collect on the day he says he will be there don’t let him in the house and change all the locks ASAP

stay single for a while block his number once he’s collected his things, matter of fact block him on everything and if he reaches out from another number or someone else’s SM then BLOCK them too, this guy is using you and using the fact you’ve been in past abusive relationships to push you in to things you don’t want and your letting him.
you’re seeing all the red flags and still allowing him to do what he wants.

please keep us updated on how things go, I’m sure we’re all rooting for you to get rid of this absolute CUNT of a man for good

big hugs

I don't believe him. Please calmly pack his things and change locks ASAP. You might find this cathartic, although you are feeling sad. He will probably want come in and talk you into staying. You don't know if it will be safe so don't let him in and have someone with you.

I’d suggest changing the locks. No doubt he’s kept his key.

He said he'll have his stuff by the weekend

How does he propose that happens?

When I agreed it was over, he told me I've been pushing for it and it was me that caused it.

So what?

Look after yourself Op as I can't see that he'll want to let this go so easily.

I guarantee it’s a manipulative tactic and when he comes back he’ll open a door to “if you reconsidered your behavior I might come back because I love you so much and there few days apart showed me how much I miss you. But you do understand that you’ll have to change too…” and back to square one.

if not, thank God for that and good riddance. May try to consciously stay out of relationships for a while and focus on therapy and building/rebuilding a vibrant social life as a young, successful, unencumbered woman.

Yes & need to keep coming round for one more thing that he has forgotten.

I agree with a pp-get his stuff together, don't let him back in & make sure you have someone with you when he collects.

Unless you could take it elsewhere.

Live like a tramp… shows exactly what he thinks of you.

From someone that was in a similar position, minus kids, his house, he was all for it, I love your cat, I love your horse…

By the 4th month started with the cat is dirty, hair everywhere (it wasn’t), you spend too much time with/at the horse. Sulking, stomping, stonewalling. I tried for 6 months to get the man I fell in love with back. New Years Eve he told me he couldn’t take me to the yard (I didn’t drive then and snow canceled the buses. IT (my horse) will be fine until tomorrow. I set off on the six mile walk, got there and back, moved into the spare room while he begged and apologized. I found somewhere to rent the next week and was out the week after. He kept pestering me on and of for two years until I moved to the other end of the country.

Please, please do not take him back. That was 16 years ago for me and I’ve been single and happily horsing ever since. No cuntman is coming between me and horses. They are my whole mental health.

Sorry to ramble, never let it all out before.

❤️🐴🏇❤️

Keep strong now op.

I would imagine this is a trick for you to capitulate and give him everything he wants.

Pack his bags. Put them on the doorstep ready.

He is showing you loud and clear who he is.

He’s not gone, he’s far from gone. You actually did the easiest bit, this next bit is the fucking killer. I suggest you do not allow him the opportunity to collect his things, it will be an excuse to try to talk you round, instead you bag them up and you take every last bit to his parents. I hope he left his key. Change the locks ASAP and block him. Leaving him unblocked will only make it harder and give you doubts when you did the right thing.

gosh the lines they use are all the same, pretty much word for word I’ve had it all. There is no shame in being the one who caused this. You asked for compromise and respect healthy requests, you were met with a total unwillingness from him to compromise so yea damn right you ended it because, you are ENOUGH, you deserve the best and he is not the best, not for you.

stay safe, it is a dangerous time for you. Alert any family or friends of the situation, there’s an app called hollieguard look it up.

it’s going to be tough but you’re not alone, my inbox is open anytime. Xx

I don't believe him !

so you need a plan of action which starts with changing the locks ! back and front doors !

he will text/phone/visit and try his hardest to wheedle his way back - making it all your fault and blaming you

until you accept his forgiveness, agree to rehoming the cats and the horses.

do not let him in to collect his and the children's belongings.

be alert and aware. do not let your guard down. this is not over yet

' by the weekend ' - not good enough. he needs to be specific.

I would start packing it all now, stay up all night and do it, phone in sick tomorrow and continue the packing.
when it's all packed, then you tell him when he is coming to collect it.

My DC prefer to have most time alone with dad rather than both dad and stepmum. I don't see why you need to be doing family stuff if you don't want to.

If you understandably feel tempted to restore the status quo with him OP, just remember how you felt when he slyly pushed YOUR cats, who you’ve loved for 10 years, off your lap.

Wishing you all the best.

Because she was involved with a gaslighting abuser who bullied her if she didn’t.

You might want to read the follow on posts - she’s not going to be spending any time with the children if she doesn’t take him back after his flounce out.

Please change your locks.

Well done op!!

Change the locks now he can knock to get his stuff when he comes for it. Have it all boxed up so he doesn't have to come inside.

Now be aware this is when abusive men step it up. He will be trying to guilt you. He already is with the kids loosing their home (it's his responsibility to provide a home NOT YOURS). When that doesn't work he may claim depression or mental health promise to get help or threaten to hurt himself. Or he will tell you the kids miss you and are so very sad. If this doesn't work he may get nasty. Or he will leave it a few months then get back in touch as a friend to work his way back into the cushy life he had with you. Know it's coming and stay strong.

Have you don't the freedom program? Do it again if you have or do it for the first time. It was life changing for me I went from abuse relationship to the next before I did the freedom program and forced myself to be single for a while. Like you I owned a house and it does attract a certain type of man unfortunately. It feels shallow but only date men who have their own financial security so you know they are not making a play for yours. And be upfront from the start you don't want kids and while you can spend some time around their kids you will not be taking any parenting role for them. You will be amazed how many men run for the hills when you say that!

And read around DAVRO (?? Can't remember the acronym). He's already doing that by saying you brought this about and you are the one messing up the kids life etc etc

Good luck and stay strong.

Thank God for that, pack his stuff, change the locks and enjoy your peace and quiet.

In addition, he may even show up on your doorstep with the children. Hopefully not if he is actually a decent father.

I don’t have any words to help but you’ve been so brave to get him out - I hate all that angst and confrontation and I suspect he isn’t going to go quietly. He had a good set up with you because he is an entitled and arrogant man he will feel the loss please stay strong you are an absolute catch ❤️