Is this too much, too little or a normal amount of time to have the kids?

[NellyElly1]

As a childless step-mom in my set up, I'm starting to struggle a bit with how much we have my OH's children as it's feeling like we never get time to ourselves. His argument is that we'd have them full time if they were ours but the fact is they're not and I don't necessarily want children. I've sacrificed it because I love him. I worry about this for the future too, do other couples make things work if one isn't particularly maternal and accept that they won't feel the same way about their children that they do? I've always been independent, I have my own hobbies and like my own time as well.

The current rota at the moment is this and it cycles round each week:

From Friday at 4pm to Saturday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 10am
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 3:30pm
Weekend off
And then it cycles back round again.

We also have them every Wednesday night.

I worked it out to be 10 Saturdays that we get solidly in a whole year (52 total) to ourselves from Friday night to Saturday night.

In total, out of 104 weekend days, we get 31 to ourselves.

As much as I like spending time with the children, I'm almost finding it too much and never feel like we get a break. I think it is impacting both of us too as he is constantly feeling like we are on the go as well and never get a breather.

Does this sound normal? Or is it too much or not enough?

Thank you.

Fucking hell😱. Sorry Op but after this I don't much like you either. You are allowing this piece of shit to wreck your cats' lives. You gave them a nice life that they got used to only to turn around and take it away from them over a man. Completely unimpressive😓 How do you know he's not abusing them even more when you're not around. You will regret this one day. I feel sick about it and I'm not even a cat person.

When he says that the OP belittled him I presume he is talking about her not kow-towing to all his demands. He thinks he is a king who must be obeyed, but he's a shameless grifter who was scrounging off of her.
He cant be belittled, he's already lower than a snakes belly.
I'm sorry you've had all this grief OP.

Oh thank fuck!
Now have a good cuddle with your cats and don't let that fucker worm his way back in.
Best of luck to you Op

So pleased to see your update OP.

I hope you very quickly start to enjoy the peace and freedom you deserve.

Stay strong and stay safe.

Bag or box his shit and put it outside the door. Call the locksmith in the morning. Otherwise he will worm his way back when the financial reality hits.

Well done OP! Now cuddle up with your lovely cats and make a plan to get your youngster going. And as a horse mad old lady, let me reassure you there are decent men who understand mad horsey women. My lovely DP understands the commitment that horses take. He is a cyclist, so spends a lot of time out on his bike. He watches me schooling my youngster as he worries about me falling off when I am alone in our yard. He also cooks my dinner while I am doing evening stables. There are good men out there.

It may not feel like it now but he has done you a huge favour. Please stay strong and do not let him gaslight his way back into your home or your life. If you have a wobble, re-read this thread and post on here for moral support. Keep up with the therapy, spend lots of time with your horses and cuddle your cats as much as you bloody well like.

He's not the man for you OP. Quite frankly he doesn't sound like the man for anyone with a life of their own. Hold your nerve lovely x

Well done @NellyElly1
You're awesome.
Stay vigilant.
Carry on with your therapy.
Enjoy the great life you are making for yourself.
So proud of you.

This is the part where he expects you to come begging for his forgiveness. Remember all that he's said, all that he's done and stay strong. It's your house, they are your pets and this is your life. You deserve better than this.

Yale locks and upvc door locks just need a new barrel, I managed it with a video and a screwdriver. Mortice locks are beyond my skill set.

Well done OP.

Well done!!!! X

Remember OP, this is how much he cares for you. The minute you assert yourself he flounces off into the sunset. You were there to service his needs not as an equal partner. It’s really hard to hear but try to remember that when he starts begging you to take him back or tries telling you you’re nothing without him.

Do you have a double lock on your door, if so use it tonight. Have something in your room with you, a knife, screwdriver etc or sleep in a different room to usual. This may sound dramatic or overkill but he’s obviously a psychologically messed up man and if he’s going to react it may be soon.

get the locks changed first thing in the morning and if you don’t already get a ring doorbell.

His reaction has shown he doesn’t really care about losing you specifically. More the set up of the home etc he has.

Stay strong, continue with your therapy and learn to love yourself and to be alone. Speak to people at your stables and show them a photo of him and tell them if he turns up to call the police.

I know it doesn’t feel like good news but it is. I guess that by the end of the year he’ll have a new GF, it’s how they work.

And always always remember, cats are awesome.

Well, lovely, all I can say is 'Thank God'. I know you probably don't see it now, or don't see it clearly, but you are very lucky he's gone.

He was controlling and emotionally and financially abusing you. He also felt that he was entitled to your home, your money, and your 'domestic services'. ENTITLED to them, not grateful for them although he probably gave you lip service to make you think he was. Yes, yes he probably helped you out with housework etc, but that was small peanuts compared to him thinking that you should support him, his kids, be at his beck and call, AND live your life to suit him.

Listen, if you're tempted to feel foolish please don't. Men like that are master manipulators. They prey on our kindness and they know a woman's emotional soft underbelly and they can hit that target every time. Thousands of us have been there and there will be a thousand more who will follow. So, just come stand next to us because we're all assuredly standing with you.

As far as him getting his things, is there any way you can have someone there to stick to you like glue when he does? A friend, or better a friend and her big husband or brother. You don't want him playing on your emotions or worse, 'setting' his children on you by saying "Netty doesn't want you here now" or worse. In fact, I think you should make clear to him that he is to come alone and not bring the children.

And you said that he has made threats, albeit not specific ones. You need to have a hard think. If you feel he is at all capable of violence or destruction of your property, then you need to speak to the police, now, before he comes to get his stuff.

You can get through this.

I'm so glad you clarified this. I sensed it was the case. Strange that people always think the woman moves into the man's home...my husband moved into my home and brought his child.

Wow. Just rtwt. Good for you. Just DONT CAVE.

As a cat person myself I agree she's been awful going alonr with it they are senior cats to they must be so Confused 10 years of being loved and fussed now out in the cold horrid tbh.

OP, bloody well done. Of course he won't take responsibility. Of course he'll blame you. Of course you'll be the bad guy. But fuck what he thinks. Be single, snuggle your cats, spend time with your horses and enjoy the life you've made for yourself with your nice house and the job you have that pays for it all. You are stronger than you think, and I bet you anything, you'll feel free once his shit is out of your house. Do you have some proper old school horsey bird chums who can be at yours this weekend when he comes for his stuff??

I hope you're okay op.

Time to take control now - change your locks , get a ring doorbell installed and send his belongings to his parents house. None of this picking his stuff up in bits and pieces nonsense! Let your friends and family know that he's moved out and why , and if he shows up with the kids at the weekend please don't let them in!

Oh OP well done that must have been so difficult for you. He really did show he true colours on the way out of the door calling you a "tramp" (what is that insult, is he 60?! 😅)

You are going to do amazing and take some time to really recover from this string of abusive twats. Sending love to you, your horses and your (no doubt very happy) kitties. Xx

19 pages, RTFT. She's a victim of abuse and could probably do without someone calling her derogatory names after what she's just been through.

Was it your kids or his? And if his, would that be “enough” if it was your kids?

I’m a separated dad. My ex-wife and I are flexible but aim for 50/50. So I might do Saturday and her Sunday or vice versa. Occasionally I might do all weekend because she’s going somewhere, occasionally she does all weekend because I’m going somewhere.

Only seeing my daughter every other weekend plus one weekend night would kill me. I’d be in bits. Any woman I might get together with would have to accept that.

I can’t see how you were able to cope with seeing your kids so infrequently (unless it was your other half’s kids, in which case I can’t see how he could cope).