To think OH shouldn’t be paying towards SD & BM’s holiday?

[user1488481370]

BM is taking SD (14) on holiday abroad for the first time in the summer holidays.

It’s an all inclusive and according to BM is going to cost 3.5k for 2 of them all in.

I don’t begrudge either of them a holiday however, today, during pick up/drop off BM mentioned said holiday and said she’d just paid it off last week. She then proceeded to ask OH to pay his £500 towards said holiday!! PLUS spending money (which we were going to give her anyway)

AIBU or is this cheeky AF? I absolutely do not begrudge them a holiday but we never have and never would expect BM to contribute to a holiday that we were taking SD on. In fact, when we last went away with SD, 4 years ago, she didn’t even send her with a tenner!

Sounds like she’s asked him a while ago and he’s agreed (he agrees to everything to keep the peace) but we’re in a really tight position financially right now. We’re buying the food shop on credit cards, into our overdraft, need a new roof on the house as water is leaking into our DD’s bedroom and desperately need a new bathroom too as the floor has rotted away.

Im so upset as I know that if I say anything then I’ll be the big bad SM but I can’t see how this is really OH’s responsibility. She gets £350 maintenance every month plus half of all clubs/school trips and uniforms etc.

I just can’t see how this is fair.

I don't think it's cheeky to ask a child's actual father to contribute at all.

Contribute to activities, school uniform, school trips, essentials? Reasonable.

Contribute to a luxury holiday? Ridiculous.

I didn't say I thought it was the right amount

Those are just the average costs in the UK

I didn't make the parents spend the money to make that the average costs so I'm not sure how to answer your question.

And presumably you also think its fine for the father to ask the mother to contribute to him taking his DD on holiday this year?

It's the average cost for separated parents the cost for parents together is lower

I don't mean to be rude but the article with the costs was linked earlier in the thread, its not like I just made it up, anyone can go read it instead of acting like I'm some mad woman making up figures for the fun of it

This! How is she being cheeky?
Shes asking for a contribution and that is fine.
£350 is not a lot of money per month and it's fine that she is asking for his share to their daughter abroad for the 1st time.

It was more of a disbelief and rhetorical question, no answer was expected.

If its an average cost, it is likely bumped up by childcare costs in places like London. It just seems absolutely insane to me, 3 children in this household aren't costing £1000 a month total. We aren't overly frugal and have some luxuries, but no lavish lifestyle!

Anyway, for OP, it won't change. All the fathers I know who have left the family home but stayed involved with DC, have terrible trouble denying them anyhting. I have a friend who will go without food if his adult DC ask him for money, despite good jobs of their own and another who will cancel plans if his adult DC needs a lift to the airport (3hour round trip and easy public transport options) another who will drop literally everything if an adult DD needs help with GC or DIY

So, OP, you need to separate your finances to the extent that if he chooses to offer this support, it only affects him.

Well yes it is likely to be bumped up by childcare costs in London. But I don't know where in the UK the OP lives so I wasn't about to do some kind of geographical analysis of what the exact proportion should be

My point was that even by the average approx cost of a child per year the OPs DH is wildly overpaying for his child. The point still stands even if it turns out the average costs are lower.

Because it is not an essential. It is a holiday she wants to go on with her friends.

£350 plus extras. And that is plenty for a child every month. I say that with 2 similar aged DSC and my own DC. They aren't costing us £1000 between them.

Perhaps just me, but you're coming across as defensive in your replies to me.

I agree with you. I was in disbelief that a study suggests a single child costs £1000 a month. £350 plus extras is ridiculous enough, I agree with you there too.

Maybe just increase maintenance for a few months to pay it back.

I would go mad if my dh did this. Wtf is he giving her money when you’re struggling? Livid I would be. My dd gets 150 quid a month off her dad who has not seen her since she was a baby. 350 is a lot especially if he’s covering other stuff and has overnights. No way should he be supplementing holidays on her time unless he’s loaded which clearly he isn’t.

Totally agree with this. Unfortunately it’s quite difficult to enforce. Like someone up thread said it’s often very hard for dads to say no to the children of previous relationships and it’s often the second family that loses out.

I'm ND

I'm replying to your comments. I'm not sure what else you are expecting me to do here?

Perhaps it is just you, who knows? I'm certainly lost as to what you are expected me to do with your replies.

Anyway I'm out.

It takes approx £1000 per month to raise a child

Get out of town. What a crock of shit. We have five. It doesn't not take £5000 a month to raise them. Absolute bollocks.

I'm not expecting you to do anything. I have agreed with what you've said. I disagree with the study that states it costs £1000 a month to raise a child.

Take care.

This must be so frustrating for you. Your DH needs to start considering all of his DC equally. He shouldn't be paying so much towards a holiday for 1 DC whilst his other DC are living in a home getting into debt. He needs to reconsider. In future, apart from his child maintenance, he shouldn't be making promises to his exw about additional money without discussing with you first. I'd be having that difficult conversation with him that he's treating his DC unfairly and playing favourites. If he didn't stop I'd ask him to move out and point out to him unless he wanted shared care of your joint DC he will be needing to pay your DC maintenance too and so at least they'd get their fair share.

I don't think £350 pcm is a pittance. This man also pays extra like half for uniform and clubs too. OP has already said it's far more than CMS.

As someone else wrote, the ex will likely have to pay full price for her 14 year old, which is almost the best part of 2k. Yet she's asked for roughly about a quarter of that as contribution for their Daughter.
Why shouldn't she ask?

Just because they're separated, he'll always be their child's father.

so when she goes on holiday with her dad and his family, mum should contribute also?

who decides what the contribution should be? A quarter? What if one parent decides to go on a luxury holiday while the other goes camping?

imo if a parent wants to take their child on holiday, they pay. Then one parent isn’t paying £500 for an all inclusive they don’t get to experience with the child, while the other contributes £50 for a week in Filey.

can’t afford it? Change your budget then. For me holidays are as much about sharing the experience with the child, and I’d resent forking out £500 for something I don’t even get to see them enjoy.

I didn't say he SHOULD contribute, I said why shouldn't she ask.

She obviously thinks he's got the ability to help out, and it's not as if he's contributed to any other big holidays, at least in the last few years.

BM? As in birth mother?? That's just an actual mother, unless you prefer to think that is you. BM is a term used in adoption to distinguish between a mother who gives up her child, and an adopted one. You should get your acronyms straight.

As in Biological Mother. Which is factually correct. Hope that helps.