To think OH shouldn’t be paying towards SD & BM’s holiday?

[user1488481370]

BM is taking SD (14) on holiday abroad for the first time in the summer holidays.

It’s an all inclusive and according to BM is going to cost 3.5k for 2 of them all in.

I don’t begrudge either of them a holiday however, today, during pick up/drop off BM mentioned said holiday and said she’d just paid it off last week. She then proceeded to ask OH to pay his £500 towards said holiday!! PLUS spending money (which we were going to give her anyway)

AIBU or is this cheeky AF? I absolutely do not begrudge them a holiday but we never have and never would expect BM to contribute to a holiday that we were taking SD on. In fact, when we last went away with SD, 4 years ago, she didn’t even send her with a tenner!

Sounds like she’s asked him a while ago and he’s agreed (he agrees to everything to keep the peace) but we’re in a really tight position financially right now. We’re buying the food shop on credit cards, into our overdraft, need a new roof on the house as water is leaking into our DD’s bedroom and desperately need a new bathroom too as the floor has rotted away.

Im so upset as I know that if I say anything then I’ll be the big bad SM but I can’t see how this is really OH’s responsibility. She gets £350 maintenance every month plus half of all clubs/school trips and uniforms etc.

I just can’t see how this is fair.

Has your dh promised to stop being so overly generous and sneaky with your joint money and do you believe him and what will be different this time? I'd find it hard to trust him.

Maybe the ex said I am thinking of booking this and can you contribute. It doesn't follow she is taking the piss. He is contributing £500.

If anything the issue is between OP and her DH . He isn't open and honest about his finances with her but that isn't on his ex or his daughter.

@FairFuming yes we use Olio! It’s brilliant. Also fairly rural but seems to be a few locals using it. Brilliant for filling the freezer.

@Theoldbird he's apologised profusely. Not good enough and I’m going to struggle to trust him again in future.

@Spirallingdownwards she’d booked the holiday the day after her friend asked if they would go with them. Said she’d decided to do something spontaneous. So I don’t believe she’d factored in that OH would contribute at the time (probably just assumed that he would if asked.)

@user1488481370

how do you split your finances?

it may be an idea to separate them, so it’s him that goes without.

dh and I have totally separate finances. He pays me his share of the bills, everything else is his to what he likes with.

it means I have enough to pay bills, buy food, sort kids etc guaranteed.

if he wants to give his ex or his kids money, he can crack on. But it comes out of his money, so he has to go without. If that means he can’t pay his work lunches or gym membership, or got to the pub on a Friday, then that’s on him.

i don’t think you can or should stop him paying for his dd if he wants to contribute. But it needs to be done so your family still has the basics. If he doesn’t have it, he can’t give it.

Don't be so ridiculous

It not really that ridiculous

What's ridiculous is people coming on a thread where the OP is worried she might have to start using food banks to feed her children so they can inform her that they happen to spend a lot of money on food every month

So that's still on him if he agreed to contribute not her. He could have not offered or said no.

The fact that he has to sneak money to his ex gives the impression to me that the OP wants to ensure that the Mum (not birth mum as another poster quoted, just Mum is fine) gets as little as possible money wise. Why else would he feel the need to be secretive?

@Northernlights1234 🥱

@Northernlights1234 you are incorrect. Her partner sneaks money to his ex as he can’t say no to her as he’s a weak man. He doesn’t say anything as he knows he should be discussing the matter with his long term partner given they have a joint business and share finances.
You are making incorrect assumptions based likely on your personal experience and not fact. I don’t think you’ve read the OPs posts either. Did you read the bit where she mentions food banks and the maintenance arrangement?
What is the point of people posting if they can’t be bothered to read the information.provided? If posters need to discuss their personal situation or vent then maybe create your own post requesting advice and/or sounding off. Or get some counselling sessions to offload personal issues and grievances.
Not all step mothers are bitches out to stop the ex partner from receiving the right amount of maintenance. A lot of step mothers are decent people who want to do the right thing. and can’t do right no matter what,
We need to look at the mans’ actions and stop blaming other women by default.
If a father only pays the bare minimum in line with the Child Maintenance guidelines then unfortunately it’s tough. Thats his choice. I understand it’s not always fair but the dad in this case is paying much more plus half of all extras. He has his daughter 40% of the time. Objectively I’d say this ex has it pretty good.
As others have asked - what would be a decent amount? Should the dad sell one of his other children online so the ex gets more maintenance? All children are equal. The first set or first born child/den dont take priority over further children. I genuinely think some posters on this thread think this should be the case. They aren’t special because they happened to be born earlier. They shouldn’t get luxuries to the detriment of younger half siblings. ( (It’s up to the ex how she spends her money btw.)
Maybe the solution is 50/50 with no maintenance payable and both parents bearing responsibility for their own child related costs. Funnily enough I don’t think this option wouldn’t be acceptable either.

@Ozanj
I feel for her. The reason she probably can’t afford holidays is because he only pays her £350 a month. It doesn’t matter if that’s all he / you can afford, and it doesn’t matter what CMS might legally mandate, it‘s still shit.

She's able to afford £3.5k for a 2 person holiday!! you can holiday for a lot less than that.
Also, £350 is not shit, get a grip.

Is there any need to be so aggressive? Talking about counselling sessions, honestly, I don't know who you think you are. Calm down.

I wrote that 'I' get the impression he needs to be secretive, that's my thought, that doesn't give you the right to storm in with saying I'm incorrect. How do you know what the truth is or why he feels the need to be secretive?
Everyone is entitled to an opinion, this is a public forum after all.

I understand that OP and her OH have a joint business, but they've also taken on extra work according to the OP. Maybe her OH has put aside some money from his sole income so that he can help his Dd out. That doesn't mean he's too weak to say no to his ex, maybe he just wants to help his child, and maybe he doesn't realise or think that his finances are in such dire straits.

Well it appears she's not had a holiday for some years, so maybe she's been saving for a special one, and asked the father of her child to contribute. Nothing wrong with that.

Sounds like she’s asked him a while ago and he’s agreed (he agrees to everything to keep the peace) but we’re in a really tight position financially right now. We’re buying the food shop on credit cards, into our overdraft, need a new roof on the house as water is leaking into our DD’s bedroom and desperately need a new bathroom too as the floor has rotted away

If he doesn't realise that he can't afford luxury for his eldest child while his other children are living like this, he's not only weak - he's incredibly stupid.
And also monstrously unfair and out of line. I suspect he does know this, which is why he's being sneaky with OPs money.

Well there is when the father of her child is struggling to feed his other kids. I reckon they've not had a family holiday for a while either. Holidays are a luxury, not a necessity.

When you're shelling out almost £2k per person, holidays will be few and far between. Not many people could afford that. If OPs DH has agreed to this when his family are struggling I'd be hitting the roof as well. Whilst I agree he should be paying for his child, which he seems to be doing, paying for them to have a luxury holiday when you're considering food banks for your other kids is ridiculous. I'd also be furious if I found out my DH had been spending money we couldn't afford secretly whether that be to his ex or for anything else that wasn't a necessary expense.

@Northernlights1234 I was responding in the same tone you used in your post. The OP has said nothing to back up your statements and I feel you were unnecessarily mean towards her. In my opinion you are automatically seeing this from the exs perspective based on your own experience.
You state everyone is entitled to their opinion so I’ll have mine too. I.have been posting on this thread since the start and have read the whole thing. If anyone is storming in it’s definitely not me.

I would imagine he needs to be secretive because he's literally putting his children at risk of not being able to eat in order to fund part of one child's holiday

I'm not sure where £350 per month to the parent who has the child ~36 days more a year being "as little money as possible" is coming from...

I would imagine he is sneaking money because he knows he is being financially irresponsible. In any other situation where a man was taking money out of the joint funds leaving his wife barely able to feed the family with what was left he would be called abusive. But the OP is a step mum, so instead it must be her fault.

I've not had a holiday in close to 10 years. My DP wants us all to go on holiday next year, which we are slowly saving for. It'll be my DC first holiday, so it'll be special. Shall we ask his ExW to contribute for her 2 DC (my DSS)? After all, there's nothing wrong with that. We might even get a nicer destination with her footing some of the cost!

Do you see how ridiculous you sound now it's a SM saying the same thing?

£1000 a month?! What are these children being raised on?!

We have just kitted out from scratch for a baby on less than £1000, including stocking up on formula and buying furniture. That includes some designer items as keepsakes as well. DC has clothes to last up to 18 months, minus a few baby grows and shoes. There is nothing that child doesn't have.

2 DSC aren't costing us anywhere near £1000 between them. They live here 50% of the time, we buy all clothes/ shoes, toiletries, kit for activities etc (DM doesn't buy any of this) and even when kitting them out with a whole new wardrobe it doesn't cost £1000 each!!

Edited to add; the above is considering all bills as well. £1000 a month is ludicrous!

So the child's mother is taking her child on holiday, and she is paying £3500 and the child's father has agreed to pay £500.

You are prob very lucky he hadn't offered to pay 50%

as i expect the mother has paid for a holiday based on 2 adults, as you usually only get a child discount if there are 2 adults going + one child.
and even if it were 2 adults going plus this child, at this age this child would prob be charged as a adult.

So many questions about the £1k figure.
Does that account for economies of scale where siblings are involved? Does it mean kids who only have one home and bedroom or is it kids who split their time between two homes? Are we shopping at Aldi and Primark or flashing the big bucks at Sainsbury's and Next? Etc etc..

It is unfortunate that your business isn't going well right now, and that you have to use credit cards to pay the food bills and your child is sleeping in a wet /damp bedroom.

Would it be preferable for one or both of you to find full time employment ?

I don't think there's anyhting wrong in asking. DP should have said no if he can't afford to/doesn't want to.

I disagree, but that will be based on my own life experiences and experience as a SM.

Personally, I believe that luxuries should be the responsibility of the household wanting and benefitting from them. As an example, ExW wanted a console for DSS that would only be used at her house. DSS has a console at our house. ExW asked DP to contribute and he said no. If she wants her DS to have this at her home, she had to fund it. We would never ask her to fund anything in our home.

I personally think it is extremely cheeky and bad manners to want a luxury that's unaffordable and ask someone else to fund it, whether in part or full. Especially when it's not reciprocated.

Spot on @GlassCaseOfEmotions