To think OH shouldn’t be paying towards SD & BM’s holiday?

[user1488481370]

BM is taking SD (14) on holiday abroad for the first time in the summer holidays.

It’s an all inclusive and according to BM is going to cost 3.5k for 2 of them all in.

I don’t begrudge either of them a holiday however, today, during pick up/drop off BM mentioned said holiday and said she’d just paid it off last week. She then proceeded to ask OH to pay his £500 towards said holiday!! PLUS spending money (which we were going to give her anyway)

AIBU or is this cheeky AF? I absolutely do not begrudge them a holiday but we never have and never would expect BM to contribute to a holiday that we were taking SD on. In fact, when we last went away with SD, 4 years ago, she didn’t even send her with a tenner!

Sounds like she’s asked him a while ago and he’s agreed (he agrees to everything to keep the peace) but we’re in a really tight position financially right now. We’re buying the food shop on credit cards, into our overdraft, need a new roof on the house as water is leaking into our DD’s bedroom and desperately need a new bathroom too as the floor has rotted away.

Im so upset as I know that if I say anything then I’ll be the big bad SM but I can’t see how this is really OH’s responsibility. She gets £350 maintenance every month plus half of all clubs/school trips and uniforms etc.

I just can’t see how this is fair.

Yes 🙌

"I don't want to let her down" is a completely unacceptable answer from a man who is quite happy to let you down, OP.

And, even worse, his own younger children.

@user1488481370 although I agree with what you’re saying, I don’t feel like it’s something he can go back on now

Of course he can!! He's claiming to struggle to afford to buy food etc for his younger children, but he has enough money to give his ex £500 plus spending money for a holiday on top of the child maintenance?

If I was you I'd give him an ultimatum. He either says no to his ex and gives his oldest DD maybe £50 cash (not bank transfer) or he gives his ex £££ but he's no longer welcome in your house.

I'd break up with him because you and the younger children are not a priority.

To be fair, there’s often quite a lot of emotional blackmail in these situations.

dh’s ex would get sdc to phone and ask him. She would tell them she couldn’t afford whatever it was and their dad could pay. As he and I had lots of money (we didn’t).

she could afford it, it was her way when she didn’t want the kids to do something, or didn’t want to pay, she’d get him to say no.

so it was him always having to say no, you can’t have violin lessons, go in the school trip, buy the really expensive dress for prom.

i can see how you’d want to say yes. If she’s told dd that friends are going on holiday, but we can’t go unless your dad pays for you, then that puts him in a really shitty situation. He can’t even say go on a different holiday as it’s with these friends.

dh’s kid barely talk to him now as they really believe their mum was skint and the only reason they missed out was cos dad wouldn’t pay.

user1488481370 without wanting to patronise you in anyway, you seem to be letting you heart rule your head. You don't feel like dh can go back on his word (which he gave without consulting you and knowing the difficult situation that your family is in currently), although you know rationally that giving DSD £500 at the moment just isn't possible.

Where would the money actually come from? From what you've said, you're maxed out on credit cards and are looking at using food banks.

"I don't want to let her down" is a completely unacceptable answer from a man who is quite happy to let you down, OP.
And, even worse, his own younger children.

This. Why do so many men fear upsetting their ex wives, but they seem quite happy to upset their current wife. Makes no sense but it’s not unusual

it makes complete sense.

the ex has the ability to stop him seeing the child and forcing him to court for access. Stress, money he doesn’t have. It’s also likely she could, if she wanted, turn the child against her father or at least start damaging the relationship.

it’s also about letting the child down, as much as the ex. If the child’s been told they can’t go if dad doesn’t pay toward it, or the reason she doesn’t have x or y is because dad doesn’t contribute, again that can turn the child away from dad.

add in the guilt that many fathers feel about being weekend dads, they try to compensate.

it’s a frequent statement on here that a step child is always the one worse off as their mum and dad aren’t together, and the children of the second family do. So they deserve everything they get, be it twice the holidays, twice the Christmas presents, to make up for it.

This is it exactly. It’s a combination of guilt and fear. the second families end up worse off with the dad trying to assuage guilt and living in fear of the exes getting stroppy and stopping contact. It applies to my own dh. In our case it’s not really financial ( although I do think he pays too much cm) more his time and efforts. Our lives revolve around what’s convenient for the ex and dh spends most of his life in the car.

So they deserve everything they get, be it twice the holidays, twice the Christmas presents, to make up for it

They absolutely do not deserve holidays funded by dad while dad is struggling to buy food for their siblings.
Heard it all now. Fucking hell.

@toomanytonotice you've hit the nail on the head there.

As a toddler/young child it was always DM holding the threat of stopping contact over him and now that SD is older, she does this herself, I guess after years of watching and listening to her mum do it, it’s rubbed off on her. Although, I do think that SD is better than that and from time to time can read between the lines. I like to remind myself that she is only 14 and that in itself is an unpredictable and volatile age! I find DM in particular very manipulative and her husband speaks about OH in a very derogatory manner in front of SD.

it’s a frequent statement on here that a step child is always the one worse off as their mum and dad aren’t together, and the children of the second family do. So they deserve everything they get, be it twice the holidays, twice the Christmas presents, to make up for it.

i’ve posted this comment before, but I always used to think the ‘first family children’ got left behind when a second family came along, but in reality the second family get the worst deal due to Dad Guilt.

I’d tell dh this is the absolute last time he agrees toANY money outside of agreed money going anywhere. It’s not about dsd it’s about finances for your family (including dsd) and what you can afford. Ex agreed the holiday so she finances it imo and that’s true for whatever financial decisions she makes going forward. Dh needs to make this clear now so that there is no confusion.

@Thursdaygirl absolutey, of course, this also limits what WE can do with and for SD when she’s here with us.

You don’t feel like you can go back on it? I mean this in a nicest way possible but get a back bone!

You cannot afford to feed your children! Your own children are at the point they need you to go to a food bank to eat!! Yet your wet wipe of a OH is promising his ex wife hundreds of pounds.

You tell her you can’t afford it and that’s it.

You already said this isn’t the first time he’s gave her extra money without you knowing or agreeing first! Why you would even put up with that is beyond me but this time is a step too far.

He literally doesn’t care if your joint kids get fed or not to please his ex!

just tell her no.

She chose to take her daughter on holiday, the cost is on her. I say that as both a mother and step-mother. We’re taking youngest step-child away this summer (oldest step-child and my biological children are adults now) and we wouldn’t have dreamt of asking his mum for a penny. If she chooses to give him a few euros for spends then that’s on her but we wouldn’t ask as we’re also giving spending money.

My kids went away with their dad a couple of years ago and we weren’t asked for any costs. We just gave them €50 each for spends and that’s that.

In the nicest possible way it’s not as simple as that.

“tell her no”

ok, then what? Mum tells dd that dad won’t pay and they can’t go on holiday? Or that they can but now mum needs to find the £500 somewhere else so she can’t have a new phone, or go to prom, or have driving lessons, or whatever it is she wants/needs.

or mum throws a strop and says if he can’t contribute to his daughter she can’t see him. Daughter agrees cos now dad is the deadbeat dad who won’t pay.

nrp relationships are a knife edge. It takes very little to destroy it. Nrp’s are on eggshells because if they do or say the “wrong” thing, that’s it, child can just refuse to see them any more. And to be fair most teens (and ex’s) know this, and use it to their advantage.

disney dad may be a stereotype, but bottom line is if dad starts setting rules and boundaries the child doesn’t like, they can simply choose to stop contact.

£350 is a pittance each month to keep a child. Mortgage or rent, bills, food, childcare.

Everyone's missing the point that the mother is supposed to contribute as well. And the mother would have a mortgage to pay without having an ex husband and a kid.

No it isn’t. Add mums contribution and it’s £700. and dad has dd 40% of the child so £700 is for 60% of the child’s costs. Over £1000 a month for one child is a generous budget.

a “pittance” depends on your circumstances. £700 is not a lot if you earn £100k+, if dad is on 30k then it’s a massive chunk of his net pay.

i bet o/p wouldn’t see £350 as a pittance when she is struggling to pay for food.

DD doesn't cost that much a month. Add in mum's contribution, another £350 and that's £700 a month.

I don't know many 14 yos who need childcare, do you?

Oh and the mum and her partner are mortgage free so that doesn't apply either, but that's irrelevant anyway.

It really is as simple as that if you are not a total wet wipe.

You say no, the mum can kick off and who gives a shit. Let her, she will get over it.

if the child is as spiteful as her mother and wants to use the line ‘oh I won’t come then’ again… let her, she will grow up and realise what a dick she was as a teen like her mum.

£3.5k for 2 of them is loads !

And meanwhile dad loses his relationship with his child.

you’d be fine if you told your child off or said she couldn’t have x, she moved out to live with a relative and never spoke to you again? It’s ok because she’ll grow up and realise she’s been a dick?

believe me been there. It’s a horrible situation.

who gives a shit? Well as a parent yes I give a shit about my relationship with my child. Believe it or not some dads like being a dad, they love their children, and even if they are being dicks they still want to see them and be part of their lives.

So dad has to keep buying his kids love and ex silence? Honestly, get a handle on yourself if you think this is acceptable and it’s ok for his other kids to go without food. Pathetic.

How much do all these children cost! As if that would only cover food- that’s over a tenner per day on food alone but the child isn’t even with the mum and eating there every day.

£350 for one child is loads. It’s supposed to be a contribution, not cover all the costs for the child! The dad has to house her too and provide items at his house for her.

if they had 50:50 then no maintenance would be due. Both parents have to pay for housing even if the room is only used every other weekend. The expensive leisure time at weekends is split equally when they need entertainment. School and then relax- homework- dinner- bed is cheaper than activities at weekends.

considering they have the child every other weekend and 80% of the 13 weeks holiday, would be approx 125 days per year (10.5 weeks at seven days per week plus 52 days for every other weekend at two days). Equal split would be 182 days each so the mum has the child approx 57 days more per year than equal split and receives £350x 12 = £4200 for this.

£350 for one child is loads. It’s supposed to be a contribution, not cover all the costs for the child! The dad has to house her too and provide items at his house for her.

@Woodstocks totally agree, but sadly some women view their ex-husbands as a meal ticket for life.