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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DP's ExW Silent Treatment

108 replies

FatfunandADHD · 16/05/2024 10:28

I guess this is probably just a moan really and there is nothing we can do but DP's ExW is driving us mad.

Tiny bit of background, DP wanted 50/50 childcare and there is no real reason he can't have it, if we had pursued in court we believe we could have had a good chance of achieving this but he was blackmailed to accept what he has which is about 40/60 split.

She insists on doing the childcare plan school year by school year, but clearly this means not knowing who is going to have the children in October half term. DP sent a proposal out 2 months ago on email to her. Still no response, when he has asked she has said she is having 'e-mail problems'. These don't seem to occur when she emails asking for money!

It is DSS birthday coming up and it falls on her day, we have asked to see him for an hour to give him his gifts etc and that has been ignored.

Elder DSS has SEN and DP has messaged to ask about what words he needs to be working on at the moment and again no response.

I don't think any of these reasons for reaching out are unnecessary, and trust me this is just the latest group of unresponded to communication. She regularly r messages DP to say things like, DSS wants X from your house can you bring it round, so its not that they are permanently NC.

DP said last night she treats us like a credit card statement, just thrown in the pile and ignored when we feel all we are trying to do is be good co-parents to the children.

Any advice appreciated.

OP posts:
greenbeansrock · 18/05/2024 11:02

what the op says to me is utterly utterly irrelevant to the situation

Twylitette · 18/05/2024 14:42

FatfunandADHD · 16/05/2024 17:14

Can I ask how this makes you feel? Please don't feel you have to say at all, but I just wonder if she hates me being involved in her children's lives, or if in fact there is an element of relief that he found someone who would walk over hot coals for her children.

ExW will contact me if the children need to be kept off school and she knows Im wfh, or if she is stuck in traffic and they need picked up. I know I am probably her last resort but am at least on the list.

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It makes me feel extremely angry with him and extremely sorry for her. She's stepped right into my shoes, wiping his arse for him.

I wonder how he continues to lure women in, because I was young and gullible when we met, she is in her 40s and, with his history flying those red flags for her especially, should really know better? I feel sickened his exploitation of women continues, I just hope he doesnt breed this time because ultimately his behaviour has hurt DD more than me. Of course, I can't say anything to the new woman, I'd just be the crazy ex he's no doubt warned her about. I just keep contact between us all to an absolute minimum. I'm civil to her as we have no beef but I'll give him shit if he oversteps the mark, no problem!

ETA i should probably add I dont have her number and dont call on her for school pickups etc, i have no doubt she'd do it no question and seems very lovely but i'm determined not to help him shirk his responsibilities and i have 100% that if i had her number and we were matey it would be me and her bringing up DD

BannnnaSplit · 18/05/2024 18:02

Sorry you are going through this.. I've also had similarly traumatic experiences with step kids and ex wives .
If I could turn the clock back again I'd probably do things much differently. I Was much like yourself, being overly kind and supportive. Perhaps chill a little, and don't project outwards to the ex wife how much you want to spend time together with the kids... I believe that partly why the ex is acting like she is, is to have some kind of control. Perhaps with a little reverse psychology, she may become easier to make agreeable if she's made to think differently, and essentially you remove the feeling of necessity.

Mostlycarbon · 20/05/2024 10:39

RedHelenB · 18/05/2024 09:03

It's not up to the mum to reply though. Sounds like the dad wants to be spoonfed.
Dad needs to contact school himself to see how he can best help his dcs learning.

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That's exactly what I said in my post 🙄

Original poster
FatfunandADHD · 20/05/2024 12:12

Mostlycarbon · 20/05/2024 10:39

That's exactly what I said in my post 🙄

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I'd have thought that given my DP has always allowed his ExW to see the children if their birthdays fall on his day with them it is not unreasonable to expect a response from him to her saying that DS has asked if he could see us to get his presents on his birthday and would that be ok with her? It has now been over a week since the message was sent and so we have decided to celebrate his birthday early.

OP posts:
Original poster
FatfunandADHD · 20/05/2024 12:14

BannnnaSplit · 18/05/2024 18:02

Sorry you are going through this.. I've also had similarly traumatic experiences with step kids and ex wives .
If I could turn the clock back again I'd probably do things much differently. I Was much like yourself, being overly kind and supportive. Perhaps chill a little, and don't project outwards to the ex wife how much you want to spend time together with the kids... I believe that partly why the ex is acting like she is, is to have some kind of control. Perhaps with a little reverse psychology, she may become easier to make agreeable if she's made to think differently, and essentially you remove the feeling of necessity.

Thanks, just for confirmation though, these messages aren't coming from me, they are messages sent from DP to ExW, I do not get involved anymore in speaking to her unless the boys ask me to send her a photo or to call her from my phone etc which is probably once every 3 months so not often at all.

But all the advice on here has reinforced that maybe if she does not wish to have communication with DP anymore even for the benefit of the children then we will just get on with things ourselves.

OP posts:
Illpickthatup · 20/05/2024 13:23

FatfunandADHD · 20/05/2024 12:12

I'd have thought that given my DP has always allowed his ExW to see the children if their birthdays fall on his day with them it is not unreasonable to expect a response from him to her saying that DS has asked if he could see us to get his presents on his birthday and would that be ok with her? It has now been over a week since the message was sent and so we have decided to celebrate his birthday early.

Show quote history

Don't expect others to behave in a certain way just because it's what you would do. Learned that the hard way and almost drove myself mental. I'd doesn't matter how courteous you are to some people they will still behave like dicks. They don't care what's fair and what's not, they only care about themselves.

paprikaforever · 21/05/2024 08:27

how long ago did they divorce?

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