DP's ExW Silent Treatment

[FatfunandADHD]

I guess this is probably just a moan really and there is nothing we can do but DP's ExW is driving us mad.

Tiny bit of background, DP wanted 50/50 childcare and there is no real reason he can't have it, if we had pursued in court we believe we could have had a good chance of achieving this but he was blackmailed to accept what he has which is about 40/60 split.

She insists on doing the childcare plan school year by school year, but clearly this means not knowing who is going to have the children in October half term. DP sent a proposal out 2 months ago on email to her. Still no response, when he has asked she has said she is having 'e-mail problems'. These don't seem to occur when she emails asking for money!

It is DSS birthday coming up and it falls on her day, we have asked to see him for an hour to give him his gifts etc and that has been ignored.

Elder DSS has SEN and DP has messaged to ask about what words he needs to be working on at the moment and again no response.

I don't think any of these reasons for reaching out are unnecessary, and trust me this is just the latest group of unresponded to communication. She regularly r messages DP to say things like, DSS wants X from your house can you bring it round, so its not that they are permanently NC.

DP said last night she treats us like a credit card statement, just thrown in the pile and ignored when we feel all we are trying to do is be good co-parents to the children.

Any advice appreciated.

• Don’t message her about non-essential things. You don’t need to be planning the October holidays yet, that is ages away.
• Dont message about step kids birthday plan - just celebrate with him when you next have him and give presents then.
• Dont message about what words to learn, that sounds a bit trivial and who cares really.
• Ignore her trivial messages too.
• Ignore her requests for money if you are not obliged.
• Ignore her and leave it to your partner
• Leave your partner his baggage sounds a mees

In mediation she said that she did more homework with them etc

He has evidence of the emails where he has tried to ask about spellings and she hasn't replied.

He should make an appointment with the SENCO at school and the child's class teacher and find out this information.

Are you sure there isn't a further back story to this? It seems odd that if there has been no abuse/harassment that it is so closed off in terms of communication? Via email and no cross over in drop offs and pick ups seems strange if there is no emotional baggage?

Oh come on! There are plenty of ex partners of both sexes who make co parenting hideous without ‘abuse or harassment’ being the reason. They might resent sharing their kids, feel bitter that the relationship ended, want more money, feel jealous of a new step parent, have a new partner themselves who hates them speaking to their ex, loads of reasons. Two years is also a reasonable time to feel committed to someone and bond with their kids and reluctantly agreeing a 60/40 split re contact to avoid further conflict when someone is struggling mentally is hardly a sign of a deadbeat dead who has abandoned his kids. However, I think the OP & her partner need to be realistic about the fact that the ex does not want a warm and chatty relationship where she makes plans collaboratively. Stop sending texts asking questions unless very important. Re the spellings, it’s annoying but your ss’s dad can gently go through them and see what he can do. It won’t do any harm to recap. He can then send an email to say what he’s done re homework so there is evidence that their dad does do homework with them contrary to what the mum says. Also he can make an appointment with the school to discuss his son’s progress and what their plans are to help him. He’s about to go to secondary so being so far behind is an emergency

Thank you for your message. Just to be clear, and not vilifying mum, but it is myself and DP who noticed how far behind SS was. We paid for private testing and shared the report with school and ExW, we set up a meeting with the school. She did not attend, we emailed a few times to try and agree the best way forward. We rarely agreed apart from the spellings and she said she would take charge of them, send us a list etc whilst we took charge of other things that the report, and school had suggested. I can't even imagine how we will discuss secondary schools, ultimately she will have final say and all we are trying to do is advocate for him and his needs.

I 100% agree that there is away around the spellings and we will work that out and people are right I guess we go very low / no contact with her.

My DP is not a dead beat dad as you say. He spent years being told he was a shit dad when he was married, in a marriage that was not abusive but very hard for both parties, after the sudden death of both of his parents he had unresolved trauma to deal with and initially he was offered every other weekend and 4 weeks school holidays. He fought tooth and nail to get to where we got to but eventually it wore him down and he felt that soon enough the boys would be able to speak up for themselves and that might increase the time he gets to see the children. He is a great man and my own son has a fantastic relationship both with my DP and his own dad.

The chances are the reason she's not sharing information about the spelling is because she hasn't actually been doing any work with him and updating you OH would highlight that.

My DHs ex makes promises to the kids all the time then avoids any questions regarding it because she never actually keeps her promises or does what she's supposed to do.

She'll probably hates the fact that you picked up on his issues and not her. DH ex refuses to acknowledge and treat DSD for asthma and hay fever because it was me who got the diagnosis. She even binned the prescribed inhalers and told DSD they were poisonous.

Does your ss have diagnosed special needs? If he’s four years behind and about to go to secondary I think his dad should look into getting him an EHCP to help him access the support he will definitely need in secondary school. His mum shouldn’t have the ‘final say’ as your partner has equal parental responsibility. Has he started looking at secondary schools yet? It’s so important to get in there and speak to the SENCO about how they support children who are struggling.

He has fairly bad dyslexia. The test said that at 10 years old he could not write the full alphabet in order. My heart broke for him, he loves to learn and read and had learnt some coping mechanisms but as a fellow dyslexic, when I sat down to do his homework with him - he asks to do it with me or DP as we are calmer - I said to my DP, I think he might have dyslexia too.

I shall call the school now to see when we can get a meeting with SENCO at the local secondary school.

He might have to go back to basics with learning phonics. Could you afford to get him a specialist literacy tutor now and during the school holidays? Someone with good phonics training like this lady (I don’t know her , she’s just an example, but Sounds-Write is a great resource and has a good iPad app too). Obvs he probably wouldn’t be able to do it when he’s with his mum but it could really help him as going into secondary will be a challenge when the poor kid is so far behind. https://www.forwardwithphonics.com/about.html.

yes it would be a major red flag to be on a date with a man and for him to give me the story of how his evil ex stopped him getting 50/50 because her evil parents threatened to take him to the cleaners

and the nonsense about the spellings

I’d be making my excuses. Sharpish

I think we may have to. Mum said she was not willing to pay for the testing as she believed he needed a tutor and not a diagnosis. We believed that a tutor could work more directly if we truly understood his struggles. She said she would get a tutor and we could do the testing. The testing suggested a particular qualification of tutor would be best and last I heard he still is without a tutor some 3 months later from mum. DP has emailed the secondary school for a meeting with the SENCO and we will try and find him a tutor, I guess the worst that happens is he ends up with two tutors, and as you can probably imagine there is no point messaging mum to check on status of the tutor as it will likely result in no response.

We paid for private testing and shared the report with school and ExW, we set up a meeting with the school.

how long ago?

so you contributed financially too?

you seem very involved in this child you have known a couple of years at most and you have your own children

by the sounds of it

your Dp did bugger all about this, even though would have been abundantly evident before 10 until you came along and pointed it out (and paid too?)

I shall call the school now to see when we can get a meeting with SENCO at the local secondary school.

FGS OP you’ve been in this boys life for a couple of years

all the years before then that your DP did squat all

and even now… it’s you calling the school

Step parents cannot win. Here we have one who is, yes, ‘invested’ in a struggling child and people are sneering. Yet a step parent who says they don’t want to help with any particular aspect of parenting will get criticised for that. Loving and wanting to help your step child is not a bad thing. Anyway OP you clearly empathise with this boy because of your own struggles and I think it could be helpful to speak to your partner about finding a literacy tutor who understands phonics to help his son improve his reading and spelling as a matter of urgency - regardless of what mum is going. And getting on top of the locals secondary admissions process.

I don't think it's sneering but more accurately calling her DP out as to why he's not the one doing it. OP quite clearly loves this child and wants the best for him but why is her DP not being more proactive parent in this. Why is the OP having to be so involved?

my point is

the OP needs to get real about her DP

yes, the boy’s own parents should both have stepped up before now, but they are where they are.

but don’t you see it’s indicative that the DP is not this incredible father the OP is trying to have herself believe

It is the Op who progressed an assessment (at 10, this year!) and i’m wondering if she also paid for it given the “we paid”

and she’d even the engaging with the school in the matter

it is as though she sees herself as this child’s knight in shining armour. When really she needs to think about why she is having to do so much (especially when she has her own children!)

Fuck that. I DID face exDP and his monied family who hated me, I spent months on end devoting every waking thought and act as to how i could get DD back without a penny to my name after he bled me dry, gaslit me, chewed me up and spat me out. The alternative was not something I could bear to live with, I cried over it all most days while we were apart. I got her back and all was right with the world, i couldnt rest until that was the case.

I shall call the school now to see when we can get a meeting with SENCO at the local secondary school.

Your husband should be doing this and I’d be very surprised if they allowed you to make an appointment for him when you don’t have PR.

Funnily enough my ex's new partner is the one who drives and facilitates his relationship with DD now too, the difference was stark to me as I saw the before and after.

Twinkl have spelling mat downloads for
Year 3/4 statutory spellings
Year 3 Year 4 Mat | Statutory Spellings for 7-8 Year Olds (twinkl.co.uk)
year 5/6 statutory spellings
Year 5 and Year 6 Spellings Word Mat - KS2 Spelling List (twinkl.co.uk)
They also have common exception words, high frequency lists, new curriculum

I'd do a free trial, download these, print and laminate if you can

Knowing the spelling rules will help
The national curriculum in England - English Appendix 1: Spelling (publishing.service.gov.uk)
TES have a decent free download (you'll need a free account)
Download | Teaching Resources (tes.com)

Finally, for dyslexia, I did hear that Toe by toe was an effective investment. Hopefully others can confirm.
Toe by Toe: A Highly Structured Multi-sensory Reading Manual for Teachers and Parents: Amazon.co.uk: Cowling, Keda, Cowling, Harry: 8601404200175: Books

My DP because of his job has no phone / internet access during the day, I often pick up life admin and he picks up lots of other things.

Having had a rubbish childhood myself, any child who runs up to me, tells me they love me, snuggles onto my lap for cuddles, stories and asks to do homework I will do what I can, when I can for them and their future.

DP IS NOT a model father, nor is his ExW a model mother (nor am I a model of anything either), he has his faults and will admit them freely. Both parents should have picked this up, I 100% agree with this statement, and in an ideal world they would be fixing it together but they aren't.

The sun does not shine out of his backside, nor does the sun shine out of mine. We are just two people who love each other and I am fortunate to have the head space and time to do a lot of our life admin. He will get home late tonight as we have no children and so he will catch up on work, and he will do lots of things to support me, my son and his children.

This post has twisted and turned in ways I was not expecting, overall what I have taken away from it is that in my head we have allowed ExW to dictate things and that we don't have to. We will simply 'do us'.

Just to be clear, he did fight and took her initial offer of every other weekend and 4 weeks of school holidays, and its now 5 days a fortnight and 50/50 school holidays but this took nearly a year and cost him £10k in legal fees. His eldest has now asked for an additional night with dad so would be getting very close to 50/50.